Family Problems

Parents Forum
1

<p>[I think I'm going to cry. I spent half an hour typing up a post, then another half an hour editing it, and then the forum wouldn't post it and I lost it. <em>sigh</em> What follows below is a condensed version of the first post.]</p>

<p>Some of you know me as Rowan (and will therefore not be too terribly surprised by what follows).</p>

<p>That aside, let's get into it.</p>

<p>1) My grandfather is dying. After his recent release from the hospital (for pneumonia), he has been declining and the doctors have taken him off of nearly all his medications. To quote the doctor, "If you're going to have a stroke, we want it to be a big one," which everyone takes to mean that if he has a stroke, it'll be kinder for it to be fatal.</p>

<p>2) My mother stays at home to take care of him. He needs constant attention so that he doesn't hurt himself, or get lost, or let a problem go by unannounced (he's a "tough guy," harkening from his military days, meaning that he won't ever admit something's wrong). </p>

<p>3) My brother is being homeschooled by my mother. He scared us all by failing two years of high school, despite what help we tried to give him, and nearly turning to drugs. He helps around the house and the yard, doing what my mother can't.</p>

<p>4) My dad works out of the house and is often gone for 4 or more months at a time. Therefore, my mother handles all household issues, including bills, yard work, and all official correspondance between various agencies, as well as acting secretary to my dad for his traveling and scheduling and whatnot.</p>

<p>5) Lake Arrowhead (where I live) is quickly deteriorating. Check the news for the past year: federal disaster (the fires), flooding with washed out roads, an Aryan supremacy group beginning, feuding (country club is overusing water, despite the fact that there's a drought and the rest of the community has cut back), drought, and all manner of other problems.</p>

<p>6) My mother has colitis. She has lost 50 pounds in the last 6 months. The form she has is incurable (so far) and is kept in check by managing stress (which is getting to be way too much; see all the above) and regulating diet.</p>

<p>7) I am attending uni 400 miles away and costing them a lot of money in the process.</p>

<p>Having recently spoken with my mother, I have fully realized what a burden all of this is. In my part, I could quit going to UCSC (and move out of my apartment with my boyfriend -- it's a relationship that I believe could survive something like this), attend the local community college and live at home, and thus free up substantial expenses (approximately 10% of my dad's income) and also be there to help lighten my mother's load. </p>

<p>Realizing that this stress load is literally killing my mother makes this obvious, but I wonder if maybe there's another way.</p>

<p>If there was some sort of relief program (NOT a nursing home or social services; my mother wants to be with my grandfather (her father) when he passes, like she couldn't be with her mother), this would all be a lot easier. I know of no such program, and I am certainly going to look into STARTING one if nothing exists. But I haven't had the time to check in the middle of attending classes. Does such a program exist?</p>

<p>I am basically appealing for advice. Anything and everything is greatly appreciated. If, somehow, the above wasn't enough, I'd be more than happy to provide more details upon request (probably privately). I am at the end of my own tolerance of this. I am very close to my family (though we fight, as all families invariably do), and I can't take this for much longer.</p>

<p>-- undecided (and oh, isn't that true!) / rowan</p>

2

<p>Can you check into some sort of hospice or elder respite care that would allow your mom a break from Grandpa, so she is still with him, but can have a breather to retain sanity?</p>

3

<p>The only things available cost money that my family does not have -- that is, at least, unless I went to CC.</p>

4

<p>I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.</p>

<p>My advice would be to talk now with a counselor at your college's counseling center. That would be the best way to figure out your options. Your type of difficulties are not unusual. When I taught college, I had several students who had similar situations with their families, including having the combination of having an ill parent/grandparent and a sibling with behavior problems. Some chose to stay in the college. Some did not. There can be good reasons for either decision. </p>

<p>Hugs to you. I am very sorry you are going through this.</p>

5

<p>I just thought to seek out the counselors -- doh! That should've been obvious.</p>

<p>Thanks you, Northstarmom. I'm off to make an appointment.</p>

6

<p>Dear Undecided/Rowan,</p>

<p>My thoughts are with you. Here is the elderhelp website for San Diego:
<a href="http://www.elderhelpofsandiego.org/1.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.elderhelpofsandiego.org/1.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>You can contact me via private message if you wish. Meanwhile I will do some further work on resources in your area that you might access.</p>

7

<p>First off, my sympathy - my mother died last June after suffering a severe stroke on Memorial Day. I have just been through applying for aid and such. Contact me also if you like.</p>

8

<p>I posted this but it doesn't seem to have gone thru so I'll try again: have you checked out <a href="http://www.wellspouse.org/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.wellspouse.org/&lt;/a> to see if there's a group in your mother's area? If not, I don't know how hard it is to start one, but maybe easier than changing schools...</p>

9

<p>You're getting great advice here, Undecided. Best wishes to your and your family. Perhaps you can talk to your mom and see how she feels about what you're proposing. Sometimes we, as parents, find great comfort in knowing that our children are flourishing and happy...even when everything else appears to be in ruins. Your mom may want you to go on as planned.</p>

10

<p>Rowan:</p>

<p>I remember you fondly from last year; I am so sorry that your family is undergoing so much stress!</p>

<p>There are several different issues here. One is cost. Ten percent of your family's income is not an outrageous sum for tuition, room and board. If it is a great concern, however, look into a temporary transfer. Could you perhaps attend the local college and be able to transfer your credits back to UCS? Can you transfer to UCSD? </p>

<p>Still, I think the issue is subordinate to what I think is the more important one, namely the incredible burden on your mother, and consequently your concern over her health.<br>
Apart from the assistance your mother might receive from local organizations, there might be more informal ways to help her. A neighbor died recently after a long illness, leaving behind her husband and two children under ten. During her illness a relay of friends helped with shopping and brought ready made foods that her husband could re-heat. They helped with bringing the children back from school and daycare as the husband worked long hours. I think they organized themselves so that they took turns providing help. Would your mother be able to organize some of her friends that way?
Could your brother do a little more for her such as run errands, laundry, vaccuuming cleaning? If he cannot do so, could he tend your grandfather for a couple of hours a day so that your mom could have some time for herself?
There are things that can be done to ease your mom's burden that do not necessitate disrupting your studies and your relationship with your friend. Good luck. My thoughts are with you and your family.</p>

11

<p>So sorry there is so much sadness and stress in your family.
Your mother can file with Social Services in CA. to be paid for her services as her father's caretaker. She will appear before a judge from Soc Service Dept and explain and demonstrate how much time per day that she spends caring for GF. There is a social service court in LA, Santa Barbara, and other major cities. I do not have the department's phone number, but I expect it will be in phone book. If not, I will try to find the info for you.</p>

12

<p>Thank you all so very much for your suggestions and well wishes. </p>

<p>sandiegomom1: Thank you for the link! I checked it out, and the first thing I thought was "Doesn't that figure!" My grandfather lived in San Diego a while back (shortly after his stroke), but he was unable to properly care for himself, which is why he now lives with us. In the end, that arrangement worked out best: my mother can keep an eye on him, and his military pension is helping to support our family (and him, instead of going toward his own separate housing, bills, food, etc.) while our income is unstable.</p>

<p>ohio_mom: I am very sorry to hear that; my sympathies go right back to you. My grandmother died in '97 (mother's mom), and given how that affected our family (it was what actually drove us to move to California, and set into line the events that have led us to where we are now), I can only imagine what you're going through. </p>

<p>searchingavalon: From what I saw through the link, it's meant particularly for those whose significant others are ailing. As that is not the case here, I don't know how much help the group could be -- there is a subtle but distinctive difference in the communities between the specific sets of caregivers, from what I've seen. The overarching problem in this situation is that there is next to nothing in terms of support for people like my mother, who are supporting their parents full-time. </p>

<p>momsdream: Thank you. I usually do end up talking to my mother -- certainly I will eventually! It's hardly a 'hey mom, guess what? i'm not going back to school after christmas...' kind of situation. Still, I like to figure out as much as I can before I do, as I find that it's best. I get emotional when I'm stressed, and crying through what I'm trying to say AND not knowing what I'm going to say doesn't help anyone and usually makes her feel worse. I think it is the fact that I am having some trouble adjusting to university life, running into these indecisions and uncertainties, in combination with my mother's stress that has led me to here.</p>

<p>marite: As far as cost is concerned: 10% of $35,000 when living in California is a heck of a lot of money, especially when you consider that we're living on that income in a 4 bedroom house in a resort town. Expensive by comparison or no, it's 10% that could be redirected to such things as a live-in nurse, or even just nurse care while my mom takes a break once in a while. Around where I live, they charge about $40/hour. Excellent service, yes, but not something we can use often. </p>

<p>Also, the 10% is in the total amount of loans and out-of-pocket expenses. Most of my education is, thankfully, covered in grants, scholarships, work-study and a small student loan; because I live with my boyfriend, my living expenses are shared (and often fall more on his side, since his parents don't have nearly the fiscal concerns mine do -- they are commercially successful artists). </p>

<p>I don't know that I could take a bunch of credits at the CC and transfer them back to UCSC without doing so in non-term time. There is a chance I could transfer to UCSD, but that's an overwhelming distance as well, if slightly less so(since I don't drive, couldn't afford a car and would therefore still have to spend an approximately similar amount of time and money in travel). </p>

<p>It is heartening to hear that there are neighbors, somewhere, that are willing to do such things. Our next door neighbor's son is a friend of my brothers, and friends of his helped when the wood in the yard needed to be chopped and hauled about (we're talking stumps with a 5 foot radius). That's the extent of it, though. Most of the rest of the street is filled with vacationers that are never home, or else there are people who "have their own concerns" or are elderly themselves. My mother has spent all of her time caring for my grandfather and is not religious, so doesn't get out often enough to have made many friends outside the parents of mine and my brother's friends and our neighbors. The network there is sadly small and unavailable. </p>

<p>My brother is, in short, useful to a point. He has behavior issues, and is still phasing out of that stage where some teenage boys just can't think outside their own immediate needs and wants. He does help, but he does not have a driver's license (the cost for driver's training at this point is also prohibitive) and is not too reliable for long periods of time. He is as often the stressor as the relief from the stress. </p>

<p>bookworm: Hmm. Given our track record with social services and welfare (and the government in general), I'm not so sure that would do much to /alleviate/ stress. They tend to complicate things with forms upon forms, and delay after delay, etc. I will look into it, though, and see where it leads. It sounds promising, if it's doable.</p>

<p>I am looking into things. There has to be something that can be done. I am truly worried for my mother, though; she has not been sleeping or eating well, and what she does eat is often negated by the colitis. I'm afraid that despite her best efforts, my grandfather might end up in the VA Hospital or under the care of social services. </p>

<p>I made an appointment with the school psychologist so that I can at least get a handle on my side of things before bringing this up at home. </p>

<p>Thank you again, everyone, for everything.</p>

13

<p>I recently read that one of the hallmarks of a healthy family is the clear delineation of roles within the family. It appears that a number of unfortunate circumstances could be about to put that balance within your family in peril. You seem willing to take on the responsibility of an adult, perhaps even a co-parental role at a time when you are still a student, and at first glance, that raises red flags for me.</p>

<p>Before you make a decision to leave school, I would hope that some other discussions were taking place within the family; first, is there any flexibility in your father's work/travel schedule? If your brother is living at home rent-free, perhaps he could take on, temporarily at least, a larger and more helpful role if he isn't attending school. </p>

<p>Guilt often motivates people to take on more responsibility than is appropriate. I had an experience with a relative determined to do all the caretaking for a terminally-ill spouse. She ruled out all possible sources of outside help as being too expensive or of insufficient benefit, not because this was actually true, but because she felt <em>responsible</em>. Ultimately, she drove herself into the ground as a result of the stress and ended up relocating her own spouse fifty miles away where he died in the home of a stranger because she had underestimated the toll being sole caretaker would take on her. It was a sad ending for everyone. I'm not saying your mother would do this to your grandfather, but that there may be avenues of help she has been unwilling or, due to her sense of responsibility, unable to pursue. Or, people who might be willing to help have inferred, rightly or wrongly, that she doesn't want their 'interference'. </p>

<p>If the onset of her colitis is in any way related to her caretaking responsibilities, I would strongly suspect an element of stress contributing to the unfortunate lack of improvement in her condition. While you naturally ache to 'fix' the situation, I would first explore whether there is any possibility of a pattern here: your mother's guilt leading her to sacrifice her best interests unnecessarily and perhaps you being induced to do the same.</p>

<p>Only you and your family can decide what is the <em>right</em> thing to do in this situation, but I just hope whatever you decide, it is for the right reasons, as well. Like many other things in life, self-sacrifice can be a slippery slope. </p>

<p>Please don't interpret this as a lack of sympathy for other members of your family. I just think there are many stones yet to be turned before you need to make a decision so drastic as you are contemplating. Ask yourself for whom you would be making this sacrifice -- your grandfather? Your mother? the family at large? What are the likely long-term impacts? Do you see it as the end of your schooling or just a hiccup while you tend to family business? Would it be an emotionally healthy decision for you to give up your education at this time?</p>

<p>Obviously an impartial third party such as a trained counselor would be a good resource right now. But I suspect the real answer, whether it is the easiest or not, is in your gut, and ultimately, you will have to decide for yourself.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>Dizzymom</p>

14

<p>Hi Rowan,
I posted the San Diego link as an example of some of the things that might be available to your family up where you are. I'd suggest you contact the Alzheimer's Association's helpline for San Bernardino county (they do more than Alzheimer's in the helpline -- I think you're in San Bernardino?) and ask them for some no-cost suggestions. <a href="http://www.alzla.org/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.alzla.org/&lt;/a> will have the number. Recently the Alzheimer's Association has been very active in support groups for caregivers. I do recognize that services and support are much more problematic when you live in a rural area -- the San Diego chapter has recently started East Counth programs, and the LA/SB/Riverside may also have new programs. There may also be contacts through senior centers in your area.</p>

15

<p>I have to agree with Dizzymom. Your role at this time is not to care for your grandfather, help homeschool your brother or take the load off of your mother. As much as you ache to do that, it's probably not the right thing. Your role is to go to college, get an education that will help secure your future so that you are not one of the people in your family who your mom and dad have to support someday. In fact, you might be able to support them with a salary that is double or triple your family's current income one day. </p>

<p>Taking your concerns one by one:
1) Your grandfather is dying. Whether you are in SC or Arrowhead, you won't be able to change or alter this outcome. Sad as it is, he is in God's hands. You could telephone him, write letters to him, but you can't save him. Moving home won't change that .</p>

<p>2) Your mother stays home to watch him. This wouldn't necessarily change with you at home either (especially if you are still attending college and having to work). She would likely still stay home, though she might have a few more breaks with you there.</p>

<p>3) Your mom is homeschooling your brother. This would not change with you home. Whether he makes future bad choices or not is not controlled by you (or where you live). This is out of your hands.</p>

<p>4) Your dad is gone for work a lot. This would not change. Your mom would still have the bills, correspondence, etc... You might be able to pitch in, but she would still be responsible which is where the real stress lies.</p>

<p>5) Lake Arrowhead is deteriorating. Moving home will not change this fact, and it's probably just in a bad slump right now and will pull out just fine. Communities go in cycles.</p>

<p>6) Your mom's colitis. Moving home might actually make her more stressed out, because she would feel guilty about taking away your college dream (I seem to recall that last year you were really happy about UCSC). I know that when times have gotten really hard in our family, I have found great happiness in knowing that my children were happy and making their own way in life. We parents can put up with a lot as long as our children are happy, challenged and excited about the future. Don't underestimate this source of satisfaction for your mom and dad.</p>

<p>7) Money. You could get another job possibly or take out loans that you don't have to pay back until after you graduate. This area you have a bit of control over. But you still don't need to move home. </p>

<p>I think #7 is the one you should try to work on. Other than that, just call your mom a lot, write letters to your brother encouraging him to do the right things for himself and dedicate yourself to school so that you can graduate on time and become fully self-supporting. </p>

<p>Just my 2 cents -- Momof2 in CA</p>

16

<p>Rowan, I have mentioned you several times on this board and how we missed hearing from you, so it is good to have you back although I am so sorry about the circumstances. I have experienced similar stressful family caregiving situations, although not at your young age and I am so sorry that this is causing you such worry. </p>

<p>I hope, though, that through collective ideas and the help of family and anyone at UCSC who can help, that you will stay in school, as it sounds like you are happy and well. Honestly, your family probably benefits from your being happy in ways that are subtle but real. </p>

<p>Perhaps you could manage to go home a bit more often in the springtime, after your first quarter, to give your mom some help, but otherwise I hope that you stay in school. When you go home, do you fly or drive? If you drive, perhaps traveling with others headed in the same direction could keep the costs to a minimum. </p>

<p>Can you seek any more financial assistance from whatever sources exist at UC? Perhaps if they understood that you are feeling pressured to leave by finances, some way can be found to help. </p>

<p>Please feel to send me a private message with any more details. Honestly, I would love to help, as you were one of the cheeriest guiding lights here last year and I would love to be able to pay back the favor a little. Best, and hugs from a bunch of parents!</p>

17

<p>Thank you Dizzymom, sandiegomom1, momof2inca and patient. Your advice is very much appreciated.</p>

<p>I have made an appointment to speak with the psychologist at school, and ideally I'll be able to sort out all the underlying feelings behind this quickly.</p>

<p>My kneejerk reaction to speaking with my mom this afternoon was pretty drastic. I get very emotional where my family is involved; I had a similar breakdown last year, when a lot of this started to get bad. It cycles. </p>

<p>The thing about going to community college (NOT quitting school) was a strong manifestation of feelings I've been having for a while now. While I was indeed initially excited about UCSC, I am starting to be disenchanted very quickly, particularly because UCSC is really lacking in my department. I am considering a transfer junior year, and before this became an issue, I was considering other 4 years. Given the financial part of it, though, and truly realizing what a burden it is, I thought community college might be a better answer. And if I was going to do that, it might be best just to do it near home, where I could commute. </p>

<p>Trust me, I have no desire to quit school. I know that in the long run, that would be a bad idea. In the short time, however, doing schooling at a community college would amount to the same thing in the end. Besides, I'm not even entirely sure I know what to do; what I'm considering hovers around the "average salary" range, a bit above what my dad currently makes. </p>

<p>I am sure I have a lot of guilt associated with wanting to do this -- and I'm positive my mom has a huge load, as her childhood was not a happy one (because of her choices) and she's trying to make it up now. However, I'm not sure how I can help her see this without making her feel worse, and I know that she wants to do this on her own the best she can as a form of penance. </p>

<p>I will look into the Alzheimer's Association's support system; it sounds promising. Unfortunately, I looked up social services and most of their services are offered to people below my grandfather's salary. I am trying to help my mom find an ideal between taking care of her father and getting some time so that she doen't burn out or ruin the rest of her life. San Bernardino county is not the forefront of, well, anything, and living in Lake Arrowhead further removes everyone from the resources.</p>

<p>I do know that moving home will not prevent my grandfather from dying, nor change that Lake Arrowhead is going down the dumps, nor that my father works away from home. What I was hoping I might do by going home was find a way to lighten my mother's load while still getting my education. I don't think that it is such a good idea, anymore, but it seemed logical when I thought it. It still seems like something I should consider. </p>

<p>I am trying to find a job, too, but this area is pretty bad for it. I don't have a car (well, my boyfriend does, which we share -- I don't drive, though; no license), so I'm limited to where and when the bus can take me places. I have work-study, but it's not even enough to cover the award I have. I'll have to redouble my efforts in job hunting (been at it, ineffectively, since August).</p>

<p>Patient, thank you! I needed to hear that. :)</p>

<p>I fly home, which is expensive in itself, but only slightly moreso than busing is (and ten times more convenient -- roughly 3-4 hours start to finish rather than 8-9!). I really need to get a driver's license -- but even then, I'd have to find money for gas and a car. Obviously, that's not high on the list I have right now. Unfortunately. </p>

<p>This has probably been a long time coming. I worry about my family a lot. I have had trouble finding my place -- I'm still there. I have a lot of doubts about what I've done, what I'm doing now, and what I'll be doing in the future. I was starting to get into the control freak stage (which, here, would be going home and taking over, because I've grown up with the philosophy 'if you want things done right, do them yourself' and had it burned into my brain after watching how miserable things get if I <em>don't</em> get involved when I feel I should).</p>

<p>Anyway, this is discussion best fit for a psychologist, and between myself and my family. </p>

<p>I thank you all most sincerely for your kind, honest and very helpful words.</p>

18

<p>Are you sure that your grandfather doesn't qualify for hospice care, reimbursable via Medcaid, Medicare, or private health insurance?
<a href="http://www.vnasocal.org/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.vnasocal.org/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Click on the hospice link. </p>

<p>
[quote]
Eligibility
Two physicians must certify that patient is terminally ill, with a six-month or less life expectancy, if the disease takes its normal course - (attending physician and hospice director) </p>

<p>Patient and/or family must be aware of prognosis and elect palliative or comfort care, rather than curative measures.

[/quote]

I'm sorry you are having to go through this.</p>

19

<p>Are you sure you didn't leave anything out?</p>

20

<p>Perhaps you can go home once a month and care for Grandad and give your mother a break.Also, the emotional support of a church can be enormous.When there is little or no hope, faith can be sustaining.Is all being done to help your mother's conditon? When you think about it, time passes so quickly. Before yo know it it will be a holiday or break and you can maybe make the Thankgiving dinner or help for 5 days then. It's most important your studies do not suffer. Try to keep a clear head and if your grades start slipping go see the prof. and explain.Good luck to you, much helpful advice here!</p>