Such a hard time. Hoping you’ll get a few glimpses of him feeling somewhat better amongst the confusion. May you find a way to get some well earned rest tonight.
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I’m very sorry that I have not seen this thread until now.
Sending hugs.
I recently had a colleague who was returning to Israel to rejoin his IDF unit. He made the comment the only thing worse than fighting and possibly dying at war was living your life without anything worth fighting and dying for.
I only mention this because as a read through this thread it occurs to me that your pain is seemingly a result of your love and lifetime of experience together. It sounds like you were truly blessed to have had those experiences.
I wish you both peace soon and an opportunity to remember that lifetime together without the current burdens.
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@Catcherinthetoast : Beautifully put.
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Thinking of you. It has to be one of the hardest things to go through, what you are experiencing.
Sorry you are facing such a tough situation.
A mantra that helped me during my mother’s last months/weeks was - “Day by Day”… just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. There was so much that I could not change (including the challenges of 2020 Covid, and the need to stay somewhat plugged into work / training my post-retirement replacement… though my team was VERY accommodating of the flexibility I needed, since we were all working from home anyway). She did not need as much care as many hospice patients, which helped - I could just visit twice a day. Still I shudder to remember how stressful it was. Spouse would be soooo much harder.
I can only vent here safely, but this one make take the cake. Husband brother, and he can be known to be a bit clueless, just asked if I was planning something for husband’s birthday in 4 weeks. He thought maybe I was going to have a small group over to celebrate. 
We discussed husband’s recent decline, and that we were just trying to keep him comfortable. He was just over here 4 days ago, so not like he hasn’t seen this firsthand. I had to be blunt and let him know that a birthday, that husband most likely wouldn’t be here for, was the farthest thing from my mind; we are working on the day to day plan.
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My best friend’s younger brother said his biggest hope was to make it to his 59th birthday on November 4, and to attend the ceremony at UT-Austin on November 3 where he was to be presented with a major award. He didn’t make it. I will fly down to Austin to attend the ceremony and the memorial service on his birthday. It’s hard to fathom. Hugs to you as you go through this.
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Oh my. It really sounds like the in-laws are really in denial. That certainly doesn’t make things easier for you or your children.
Sending more virtual hugs. And shaking my head along with you.
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I can’t come up with anything sensible or insightful.
Sometimes the only reaction that anyone can have is quietly shaking our heads. We can’t be there to show support in person, but we’re all collectively shaking our heads - with you.
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let’s give the BiL some grace to be clueless and sad and clueless some more. So many things will be said and done; permission to just hand out grace like confetti until/unless someone is truly trying to be difficult or offend (and that can happen, too)
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^^^ So wise.
Everyone is doing the best they can to protect themselves, given their beliefs at the time.
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This. I could never imagine the denial in action until I witnessed it for myself. First it irritated me and sometimes made me angry but then I realized it’s a way of coping and dealing with grief which is very individual. Handing out “grace like confetti” is wonderful advice.
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Neither my SIL or BIL say, or do, the things they have said and done to be mean. I agree everyone handles grief differently, and there isn’t a “right” way. I just wish they didn’t share their thoughts with me, knowing what I am also dealing with. Sure they come over once or twice a week and visit; I am here 24/7 watching every breath, every hallucination, every outburst, every diaper change, etc…
My BIL has always been clueless, but really, am I planning a birthday party? No, I am planning a funeral I never would have imagined doing at my age. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but here I am. Oh, and he just told me he tested Covid+ and was here Tuesday. Hopefully his short visit was short enough sitting in the small bedroom with us. 
On another note, our cousin, who lost her husband 4 years ago today, came and spent several hours with us. She said she felt like this is where she needed to be today. Our husbands were the best of friends and 1st cousins. While we were always close, and became friends in college because of our husbands, we both have a new found connection; again, not one we wanted. It meant the world to me that she would spend her day of grief, with my husband and I.
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@snowball I am in awe of all you are dealing with and how incredibly well you are taking care of your husband. You are in my thoughts so much. Please continue to vent here and to know so many of us are here for you.
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I am so, so sorry to hear what you are going through. 
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Glad you had a visitor who could give you some comfort. Your cousins sounds kind and capable of meaningful companionship right now.
I know sometimes other people say dumb stuff. Fear of doing that kind of thing (unintentionally) is why often I think there are people like me who sometimes just stay away from tough situations and say nothing. Really very few people are good at the grief thing. I’m glad you have some hospice coaches too.
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i’m glad you had visitors that helped – in no way at all did I mean to imply that somehow asking about a birthday party was appropriate or welcome in any way, or that your reaction was anything but completely understandable. I mean, what a dumb thing to ask?!
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Hang on to that cousin. You might well need her support as events unfold and circumstances change. She’s been through it already.
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@VeryHappy She is not going anywhere! My husband and I were there through her husband’s 20 year health issues, and have been there for her and their children. We are actually closer to them than some of our own family members; our kids are like siblings to the others. Other than my husband’s brother and sister, the cousin and her kids and spouses are the only other visitors I am allowing at this time.
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