I remember when my bil was very ill. My sister was ok talking to her friends and me her sibling. But it was hard and she was not in the space to discuss things with my parents and his mother. She just shut down.
I wasn’t sure what you were looking for, which is why I asked that question. Glad to hear that you are reading all the responses. I find CC so helpful when I’m going through things. In a different way than I do with my other friends.
Sometimes a person going through a traumatic experience, doesn’t need advice. They want to be heard.
Just a reminder to call in some favors if you can. Local friends and family who have offered help in general really do want to lend a hand… just need suggestions for tasks.
I’ve said this to several friends (and also to my mom) when doing “favors” for them, as they told me how guilty they felt for having me do whatever…
“Doesn’t it make you feel good/satisfied to help a friend? Wouldn’t you have been so honored to do this thing for your own friend/spouse/parent? LET ME DO THIS FOR YOU, no questions asked. I’m happy and honored to help.”
Caregiving has had its up and downs. My husband was hospitalized for a week last month, that unfortunately gave me bedtime breaks. I was at the hospital with him from 8:00am-to around 8:30pm most days, so that was tiring. After being in the hospital, he decided he did not want to continue with treatment as all treatment would do is give him an additional month or two, and he did not want to continue living the way he was. If there was any chance he could get out of the bed and take steps, he would have restarted his treatment, but every doctor was in agreement that he was only getting weaker, not stronger.
The final decision was made last week to go on hospice. The kids and I support my husband’s decision, no matter how hard it is for all of us. I have hired overnight sitters for 3 nights this week, and may increase that as he becomes harder to care for alone. I have been lucky in the my daughter and her family were moving to town, so they have been her for the last 10 days. They will most likely stay at their home on Friday if they can get everything set up to sleep there.
Hospice has been great and I can call them 27/4 as needed. I still am afraid something will happen at night and I might not know, or will be staring at the monitor all night and not sleep. While I would like a mix of daytime and nighttime sitters, I might sleep better with someone with him at night. My daughter said she would work remotely from here a few days a week to give me a break; he does so much better with her than with me.
My SIL says she wants to spend as much time with him as she can, and when I ask if she wants to come be with him while I run a couple of errands, she either sends her husband, or says she will come and bring dinner in a few days. My husband asked to see her yesterday, so she said she would come Thursday or Friday; she lives 15 minutes away. She is in denial, so I asked the hospice social worker if she might be able to talk to SIL, which she was happy to do. I will give SIL the information when she is here. If she tells my kids or myself how this makes her sick to her stomach to think about this one more time, I might scream; it’s no cake walk for us! She actually asked my son how the interview when with hospice and what did we decide? My daughter had already had an hour discussion 2 weeks ago with her that H had decided on hospice, and she and I had talked about it, as well as my husband talking to her with their brother and stepmother, so not sure why she thought we were still looking into treatment options and interviewing hospice. Both my kids independently said they can’t talk to her anymore as she just doesn’t get it, and they adore their aunt and are close.
As frustrating as your SIL is being, try to remember that we are all wired differently when it comes to dealing with death. Her reaction is making it harder for you, your H and your kids, which isn’t fair … but this isn’t a situation with a guidebook, and people like your SIL can find themselves in a place that they can’t get out of. Having her talk to the hospice social worker is a great idea, although if it doesn’t make a difference in her behavior, then at least you tried. I think she may very well have regrets later if she continues on this path, but it’s her burden to bear if she continues.
I don’t have words to describe how sad I am for your family. The only thing I can offer is that being with my mom & brother through the weeks leading to their deaths brought me a sense of peace that I truly appreciate. It is a gift to be able to comfort our loved ones in their greatest time of need. Hang onto the love even as the going gets tough(er).
Many of us are sending you good vibes, prayers and whatever we believe in to comfort you in the time ahead. I hope that the universe allows you to feel our arms wrapped around you.
I feel inarticulate compared to those who have posted, but please know that I am thinking of you and your family a lot and sending you love. I know it is not the same, but I cared for my father at home through his death, so I have an idea of what you are going through.
It can be natural to second guess yourself, but try not to! You are doing the best you can, and that’s all you can do. No one is perfect, so you won’t be either. And that is OK.
Sending virtual hugs and support from a long time CC reader. Your obvious love and dedication are moving. So sorry you and your family are going through this.
I guess I might be very blunt with the SIL. You don’t have the bandwidth to deal with this right now. She can come and see her brother, who is asking for her. Or you can’t. You decide. But I’m not going to be able to hold your hand. Or talk. Or anything. But time is of the essence now. Come. Or not.
@snowball this must be physically and emotionally taxing on you. For your sake, and the sake of your adult children, I truly hope things progress quickly and that all of you can begin the process of healing yourselves and your hearts.
Oh @snowball. this is sad news. I am glad you have the support of the hospice folks; their compassion and experience are invaluable in navigating both the practical and emotional issues around end of life. (And your idea to have them talk to your SIL is inspired in so many ways.)
So many people here – who have never met you irl – are holding you in their hearts. Count me among them. I hope you can feel our love and that it nurtures you.
Snowball, I’m sending you all the good virtual hugs possible. This is just HARD and sad and I know your SIL is making it even harder. It was a great idea to have the hospice social worker talk to her. It may be that she will not really “get it” and all you can really do is find ways to detach yourself from her issues, whether by coming up with really rote responses to her or delegating someone else to talk to her or just finding some way to see her as just another one of those “things that cannot be changed” as they say in the Serenity Prayer. I have seen some family members be really difficult, mostly because of denial, I think, like if they just kept asking the same questions over and over they would get a different answer. And others who kept postponing visits. It made it harder, but I just had to keep reminding myself that I can’t control what other people do.
I so appreciate the kinds words and prayers, they do help even from my virtual family. While my kids and I have accepted what is to come, it doesn’t mean we don’t hurt. While we knew at the time of diagnosis husband didn’t have a long time, we were hoping he would be in the average life expectancy of 12-18 months, not the maybe 5 months we will get.
As far as SIL, she is going to my kids with her questions to protect me, but it is too much for them. They are adults, but this is their father, their children’s grandfather; does she not see how much they are hurting? When she is here tomorrow, I will try to talk to her when away from my husband; don’t know what if anything it will do, but I will try. Again, husband and his sister are super close, and she has always been there for him even before their mother died when he was 11, and SIL was 20.
I know me, and I will blow at some point, just not sure who it will be with. My daughter and I argued just a bit last night as she want to know where we will have shiva. I live in a 3 store townhome with not enough room to have shiva here. We have a clubhouse, but it will be a huge pain to have there on short notice, and more work for me that I don’t want to do. The kids assumed SIL would have it as she has a huge home and host most family holidays, except for Thanksgiving, which I host at the clubhouse. Daughter decided to ask SIL yesterday, and she was a firm NO; she said again that it makes her sick to think about that. That upset my daughter, but I can understand if SIL doesn’t want it at her house; not happy, but respect her feelings, I guess.
Thanks for letting me vent; somehow it feels better to type out my feelings and not burden my close friends with my whining all the time!
Per the shiva, is there a possibility that SIL would allow use of her house if somebody else (not her or you or your kids) was able to handle the planning/logistics?
Oh, we have plenty of friends that swoop in and take care of the meals, set up and clean up; that is not a worry. She just doesn’t want it at her house as it will make this real. SIL and my aunt have many of the same friends, and I have watched them take care of shiva. Luckily, my friend group has only had to do it for our parent’s generation, and it hasn’t been that many. The last for me was my dad’s 4 years ago, so I didn’t do anything in preparation; my aunt had it at her house as my parents lived in an apartment. D wants to ask my aunt, but I don’t know if I want to do that; now if she offered, I would accept! When I talked to her today, I will see if she says anything as she will know my SIL doesn’t want to do it.
Both my daughter and I are planner, so we are ahead of the game, although D is way ahead of me!
UPDATE: Spoke to my aunt; she said there is no way SIL won’t do it, we just need to give her time. We will see if she changes her mind or not; time will tell.
I agree with your aunt. Planning to host a shiva means that her baby brother is gone. She doesn’t want that to be the imminent reality so she’s reacting that way.
She is in denial, so I asked the hospice social worker if she might be able to talk to SIL, which she was happy to do. I will give SIL the information when she is here. If she tells my kids or myself how this makes her sick to her stomach to think about this one more time, I might scream; it’s no cake walk for us! She actually asked my son how the interview when with hospice and what did we decide? My daughter had already had an hour discussion 2 weeks ago with her that H had decided on hospice, and she and I had talked about it, as well as my husband talking to her with their brother and stepmother, so not sure why she thought we were still looking into treatment options and interviewing hospice. Both my kids independently said they can’t talk to her anymore as she just doesn’t get it, and they adore their aunt and are close.
