Good job sorting through things, as best as you can do under the circumstances. I hope you can find some small way this week to get distracted by something other than the current crisis…. you are carrying a really, really heavy load.
One of the things I love about your idea of having hospice speak to your SIL is that they can do it in that “what do you and your brother need to make the time you have left what you both want it to be?”
It’s so much gentler than “get with the program!” The ending she’s in denial about is implicit but it also acknowledges that she needs help in making this transition in her thinking AND that not doing so may deny both of them some they need. Moving forward after a loss is so much easier when you are merely sad at the loss rather than sad and full of regrets and other unfinished business.
My guess is that the hospice folks have seen your SIL’s approach many times and know the kindest ways to bring her around. And know that bringing her around is a kindness.
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A perspective on your SIL. She’s been there his entire life, beginning as an excited 11 yr old anticipating the birth of a baby brother.
I remember when my dad died - the youngest in a family of 9 siblings, seeing one of his older brothers there at his bedside how it struck me that no one had known my dad longer. The memories and life lived surpassed what I knew of my dad. It’s the longest relationship any one of us will ever have.
So very hard for all of you to bear this.
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I have no advice, but sending positive thoughts and hugs your way. What a sad time for you and your family.
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Well, SIL brought dinner tonight, so while we were in the kitchen, and the guys were downstairs, I mentioned that I was going to have to call the synagogue to see what was available in the way of a room for shiva. SIL then tells me there in no way she can have it at her house; she doesn’t want that to be the last memory of her brother. She wants to keep all the happy family events she has hosted to be the memories she keeps alive.
She then asked why not have it at my aunts house, or maybe the common room at my 92 year old mother’s apartment. My aunt would do it if I asked, but she shouldn’t have to have it; she had my dad’s 4 years ago for her sister, my mother. So, I will call the synagogue on Monday and see what we can arrange as this isn’t their first rodeo. I just would prefer to have it in the comfort of a home, at least the first day, as we will be there all day after the funeral. I would like my son to be able to put the baby down for a nap, the GDs be able to run around outside with an older cousin; I want my family close.
I get that this is her baby brother and they have a longer relationship, but we have been married for 43 years, after dating for 6 years, since we were 16. We raise children together and watched our kids have grandchildren; that has to count for something. I am not one to hold a grudge, but it will take me a bit to get over this.
All you really need is a room. Perhaps the sisterhood at your synagogue can help you with all of this. I’m sure they have done so for others in the past. And would be happy to help your family as well.
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So sorry you have to deal with such issues in your time of such travail. I can’t imagine you having to try to find a public place to sit shiva; goes against everything the observance is meant to signify. It should not be on your shoulders, or your children, to figure out alternatives for shiva, especially when you’re all in such pain yourselves.
Are you sure you can’t sit shiva at home in your townhouse? It’s not a time for sitting down all together for a meal like at Thanksgiving. It’s a time to share grief and offer comfort and memories, and join in prayers at home. You and your immediate family should do what is best for you, not others. If it gets crowded, so be it; people can adjust or come in waves instead of all at once. And you should be able to take breaks as needed in your own bedroom; private and familiar
We sat shiva for both my father and then my mother in their condo; really just one large living room with an open kitchen area. Extra chairs were provided by the funeral home and no one had issues; very few people even sat at a table. The same was true with the shivas for my in-laws at their small and cramped house. People understand.
SIL lives nearby, correct? Might she be willing to have people go over to her home after they’ve been with you and your family? So it wouldn’t be sitting shiva at her house or observing any mourning rituals or prayers. It would be her being useful and supportive and loving and even a chance to share the happy memories.
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I have been thinking the same thing. We sat shiva in a small NYC apartment, and everybody adapted to the cramped space and it was fine. So much more comfortable for the family in mourning that going out somewhere.
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So sorry your sil can’t be there for you and your family right now.
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It seems like your SIL feels believes that if she has any experience related to her brother’s demise or death that it will taint her memories of him.
Oh, if only she could see that she can have those happy memories AND support her family (and be supported by them.)
@snowball, just wow! So sorry she is digging in on her approach. This makes it so much harder for you. Normally, I’d suggest asking her to arrange it at temple (secretly hoping she’d come around while facing the details) but she sounds impossibly flaky at this point. Every now and then, someone reminds us who NOT to be…
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I wouldn’t mind having it here at my home, but without making excuses, here are the list of negatives:
To get to the main living area, there is a flight of stairs that neither my mother or MIL can do.
The main living area is LR, kitchen and dining area; as it is a townhome, the area is very narrow. If I wanted to put extra chairs out, and I couldn’t put many, people could not walk out of the room. Hard to explain without seeing it.
As both our entire families are in our area, and we both have a large group, as well as friends and coworkers, we easily could have 50+ people each night.
We have no parking nearby, but people could park a bit away and walk.
Our community is now gated, so I have to buzz each and every person in from my phone. Of course I could give my phone to someone else to handle, so I wouldn’t have to do it.
As I was typing this, I received this text from my SIL:
Good morning, after our talk last night about shiva, I’ve decided to have it here for a lot of reasons. Please still call the synagogue and see what they can offer( if anything) and we can know our options. Then we’ll get a temporary plan. Love you❤️
So maybe our conversation got to her. I wasn’t trying to guilt her, just letting her know her friends and family want to be there for her, and what a nice way to honor her brother. If we were to ask him, he would want it at her house, as that is where we have everything. I will still call the synagogue, and see what they can do, secretly hoping it won’t work.
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So glad your sil came around. What an incredibly difficult time for your family. You continue to be in my prayers.
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Sounds perfect. Between your SILs home and any help from the synagogue…I think you have this covered. Thank goodness.
At this point, just take the time you need to be with your husband…and your kids.
The rest will fall into place when the time comes.
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I’m relieved for you. Now, just focus on your family, and leave the details to everyone else.
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It sounds as if your husband’s aunt was correct. When push came to shove, sil did the correct thing.
She might have also had a discussion with her husband and aunt. Came to the conclusion that unfortunately her refusal to see the truth isn’t going to make it not happen. 
It was actually, my aunt, my mother’s sister, that said give it time. I may have already said this, typing on my phone, so can’t see previous post, SIL thought my aunt should have it, or the room at my mother’s apartment building. While we are all very close, not sure why my relatives should be responsible for this. My 92 year old mother should have to arrange it to be in her community room? Seems a bit silly to me.
While my SIL is in denial, her husband has offered to contact the funeral home for me and take care of arrangements in advance so we don’t have to deal with it day of. It was already on my list to do, and boy do I hate adding to that list. 
SIL is getting it, not that it is easy for any of us. I think the kids and I see how he is daily, and know this isn’t how he wants to live, so want to accept his wishes no matter how it makes us feel.
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Sorry for my confusion but your aunt is a wise woman.
So very sorry for all of this. And yes, we don’t want to see our loved one suffer. Sounds like your whole family is trying to get through this difficult time together.
My daughter lives in a townhome that sounds similar to yours. All the steps and limited parking. It would be very hard to have a gathering such as shiva there.
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Not that we needed more drama, but here we are. After SIL decided she would have shiva at her home, she decided to check with her clubhouse in her subdivision to see what the availability was. She told me last night that her home just would not be big enough for the first day with all the family and friends, so hopefully her clubhouse would be an option. Her house is huge and has more than enough room.
My kids have had enough of her back and forth texting them about this and other things, and have decided SIL is out of the mix. My cousin’s wife has offered their home for the day of the funeral, and my maternal aunt will have the second night as that is all we will do. The kids are in agreement with me that we do not want in at the synagogue or a clubhouse; we want to sit in the comfort of a home, not plastic folding chairs. They are handling this and want my SIL out of the mix. I don’t understand why she doesn’t get my kids are going through this just like I am, and she is. They are trying to protect me, and I am trying to protect them. I just hope this doesn’t sour all of relationships with her.
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Good for you for putting yourself and your kids first. That is as it should be.
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Glad you have stable plans. So sorry for all you are going through.
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