Stanford short essay no.3 (note to roommate; posted inside)

College Essays
1

<p>Here it is. Since it's a unique situation I'm not scared of anyone stealing it. I'm afraid of it not revealing enough about me. It's a very rough draft and any suggestions would be great.</p>

<p>Being a twin isn’t easy. There are always people mistaking me for my twin or asking silly questions, such as “Can you guys communicate telepathically”? These questions can get irritating, but I simply reward them with an answer and smile at their silliness. Having a twin also means that I have had to share everything, from the last piece of pie to the more comfortable bed. Recently, however, my twin has received an experience that we did not share, and I am thankful for it.</p>

<p>Last January, my twin was selected to be a Congressional page, which meant that we would be separated by 5,000 miles for six months. Before this, I probably had never been separated from him for more than a few hours. There would be no more fighting for six months over the larger slice of apple or who could use the computer first. But there would be no piano duets and no laughing together while watching “The Simpsons,” either. I was extremely excited for my brother, but prospect of not having a twin for six months frightened and excited me at the same time.</p>

<p>Although each twin is unique, each is also a reflection of the other. I was frightened that my reflection would not be there when I awakened in the morning, frightened that I would feel and be seen by others as only a part of a whole. However, a week after my twin left for Washington, I felt whole and although I missed him at times, I carried on as usual. My twin has taught me a lot, but his absence has taught me just as much. I realized that I could be a whole without my twin, and when it is time again to go our separate ways, I’ll be ready.</p>

2

<p>Very well written but there isn't any real <em>meat</em>. The essay seemed a little too general. Ok so you can live without your twin... so what?</p>

3

<p>Nicely done... shows a level of duality that's very unique. I would agree with Microload, in that you should expand on your independence.</p>

4

<p>You should be like. So that means, I can live without you and will whack you if forced to. <--that's good.</p>

5

<p>on a completely different sidenote, did your twin meet mark foley?</p>

<p>:rolleyes:</p>

6

<p>i think its good one
but it can be better if it describes more of what you learnt from this, has importance in your life, drive to your future....
and don't boast on your unique situation
anyone with brother or sister can steal this idea
no need to be twins because every case can be quite similar</p>

7

<p>I second Microload's opinion. Your writing is superb, but it seems like it's all story and no "so what". Shorten the story, and make a seperate paragraph on what you learned. Oh, and when I first read your essay, I wasn't sure what your "problem" was in the story, which made it even more difficult for me to feel anything at the end.</p>

<p>Other than that, your writing is pretty solid. Don't worry...I have a problem with this as well. :| (But I'm getting over it...I hope.)</p>

8

<p>i agree with what the majority of repliers are saying, you need some 'so what' or 'meat'</p>

<p>i think expanding on the last paragraph and cutting down the first few would help. show your progression/development -show not tell</p>

9

<p>I also agree with everyone... it's good, but it needs some point to it. if its a "note to a roommate" you need to give a reason your roommate needs to know this.</p>

<p>it's well written though!</p>

10

<p>As everyone has said, the writing itself is good but it needs to focus in one something. Rather than expanding on what you would miss out on by being seperated (ie... fighting, piano, the obvious) and focus on what it taught you. That would answer more questions in my opinion. The fact that things would be different is obvious. Focus on what his absence taught you, rather than stating it at the end. Don't leave any questions unasnwered.</p>

11

<p>Hey guys thanks for all the suggestions. I rewrote it somewhat. How's this sound? I'm still not sure how to make it sound like a "note". Should I use "you"? Should I address my roommate at the end of the essay?</p>

<p>Last January, my twin was selected to be a Congressional page, which meant that we would be separated by 5,000 miles for six months. There would be no more fighting over the larger slice of pie or who could use the computer first. But there would be no piano duets and no laughing together while watching “The Simpsons,” either. I couldn’t believe that we were going to be separated for six months, and prospect of not having a twin frightened and excited me at the same time.</p>

<p>Although each twin is unique, each is also a reflection of the other. I was frightened my reflection would not be there when I awakened in the morning, frightened that I would feel as if I were only a part of a whole. I was also scared of not having sufficient academic support without my twin. Throughout our years in school, we helped each other understand math lessons, since math is not a subject we are strong in. With my twin gone, I didn’t have the convenience of a readily available study partner, meaning I had to work harder than ever to maintain my grades. I would sometimes stay up late into the night redoing my pre-calculus homework and rereading my textbooks so that the day’s lesson would stick in my mind. At the end of the year, I proudly opened my report card to find that my pre-calculus grade was an “A.” </p>

<p>My twin has taught me a lot, but his absence has taught me just as much. I realized that I could be independent from my twin, and when it is time again to go our separate ways, I’ll be ready. You won’t hear me moping about how much I miss my twin, or anybody else, for that matter.</p>

12

<p>bumpbumpbump</p>

13

<p>What do you mean you want it to sound like a note? Like make it sound like you were writting a letter to your roomate the whole time? It sounds kinda gimmicky to me, but I would have to see how you plan to do this first. I actually liked your original version better. Sometimes what you initially write has more feeling than your revised version. I'm no expert, but if you really read both of the two and compare them, sure, the second one has "meat," but it makes you sound more disconnected and that you're trying to hard to put out your achievements. I suggest doing it a little more subtly.</p>

14

<p>i don't see how making it sound like a real note is gimmicky. the prompt asks you write a note to your future roommate. </p>

<p>don't use $10,000 words, or make it sound too erudite. mine was fairly casual. it was about my "expert" knowledge in playing bridge, gin rummy, pisoi, and scrabble (my main focal point) and connected to a bigger theme about learning from each other. </p>

<p>make it lively and fun. think outside the box.</p>

15

<p>I wouldn't write about your attachment to your twin... it makes you appear far less independent than most people and although it sounds sincere/legit its not something the admissions people would be impressed by.</p>

16

<p>But my point is that I'm independent from my twin.</p>

17

<p>But since it was last january... thats really recent so you have been independent from your twin for not very long. I think its a solid essay but I think in the eyes of admissions officers, it would be a negative that you were so attached to your twin until only last year</p>

18

<p>Mentioning that your twin was a Congressional page would make many colleges more interested in accepting your twin than accepting you.</p>

<p>I suggest a subject that focuses much more on you and what you have to offer a potential roommate (i.e. the campus in general).</p>

19

<p>Dante the topic is fine. The goal is not to make you look like some superhuman with excellent qualities. I think its perfectly fine to talk about your attachment to your twin and how you dealt with/learned from his departure.</p>

20

<p>I hope you like Korean pop music?</p>

<p>My dream is to one day become a Korean teen pop star, and to prepare for that, I tend to listen to Korean music on loud speakers…A LOT.</p>

<p>In fact I have a great passion for music, and tends to turn towards it as my destressor for all aspects of life.</p>

<p>But don’t sweat it if you don’t feel the same. I’m sure I can make amendments and adapt. If my music playing will be ,too, much of a distraction to you, I’ll just go to a nearby public park or mall.</p>

<p>You might think I’m a push-over at first, but I’m actually the rebel of my family. They think my obsession over the Korean culture and music is unnecessary. I have tons of South Korean posters and I like South Korean fashion, so you will hear me talk about South Korea 24/7. </p>

<p>I don’t mind you disagreeing with me, but if can’t stand my obsession at all, then I think we have a problem. </p>

<p>Here at the High School, I’m involved in an Asian Dance Club and all we listen to are South Korean pop bands. </p>

<p>In fact we’ve all became friends through our interest and formed the club mainly based on this. </p>

<p>I know that it might not be a largely appreciated hobby yet, but I hope it won’t create a barrier between the two of us?</p>

<p>After all better a friend than a foe right? Anyways that is basically my passion, to travel to South Korea and become a well-known Korean teen pop star. </p>

<p>I’m not sure how I’m going to reach that path, but if I get to study abroad in South Korea to major in music, I will be the first in my family.</p>

<p>With that said, I hope we become best friends! I’m the scaredy-cat type, and rather be strangers than have drama. So if we’re gonna be living with each other, might as well make the best of it right? I hope to meet you soon roomie and to form a lasting friendship with you! =]</p>