<p>Here it is. Since it's a unique situation I'm not scared of anyone stealing it. It's a very rough draft and any suggestions would be great.</p>
<p>Being a twin isnt easy. There are always people mistaking me for my twin or asking silly questions, such as Can you guys communicate telepathically? These questions can get irritating, but I simply reward them with an answer and smile at their silliness. Having a twin also means that I have had to share everything, from the last piece of pie to the more comfortable bed. Recently, however, my twin has received an experience that we did not share, and I am thankful for it.</p>
<p>Last January, my twin was selected to be a Congressional page, which meant that we would be separated by 5,000 miles for six months. Before this, I probably had never been separated from him for more than a few hours. There would be no more fighting for six months over the larger slice of apple or who could use the computer first. But there would be no piano duets and no laughing together while watching The Simpsons, either. I was extremely excited for my brother, but prospect of not having a twin for six months frightened and excited me at the same time.</p>
<p>Although each twin is unique, each is a reflection of the other. I was frightened that my reflection would not be there when I awakened in the morning, frightened that I would feel and be seen by others as only a part of a whole. However, a week after my twin left for Washington, I felt whole and although I missed him at times, I carried on as usual. My twin has taught me a lot, but his absence has taught me just as much. Independence comes from leaving what we have to come to know best.</p>
<p>Wow! Well-written! I wish I had a twin and could use this idea! LOL. Maybe at the end tie this in with roommate by saying something about going off to college separation. Maybe..</p>
<p>It's stated very matter-of-factly. Read it outloud; if this were a speech, would you be comfortable with the way it sounds? Does it properly reflect your personality? Do the ways you phrased things make what is interesting in your mind interesting on paper?</p>
<p>Such phrases as "I was extremely excited," "I am thankful," "I was frightened," "I felt whole," "My twin has taught me a lot," "asking silly questions, such as," etc. are not very powerful. Clearly the emotions you're trying to convey in all of them are strong, but the way they are written is somewhat bland. Try to spice it up, make it interesting. The topic is great, and what you've written about is great, but Stanford is going to look just as much (in fact, probably more) at HOW you wrote your essay. Stating the facts, telling them how you felt, and explaining the moral at the end are not going to show the admissions officers who you really are.</p>
<p>The way your essay is written now, it could have been written by a third party. Anyone observing the scenario (a parent, for instance) could describe it exactly how you wrote it. Add something unique to you to express your personality. Make the essay not about your brother leaving, but about YOU.</p>
<p>Also, quick editorial note: </p>
<p>"I was extremely excited for my brother, but prospect of not having a twin for six months frightened and excited me at the same time."</p>
<p>I'm not wild about that sentence to begin with (it's a textbook example of telling and not showing), but as it is it still has a problem. In it, you say "It excited me, but it also excited me" with a few extra words in there. You can't say "It excited me," throw in the word "but," and then make a statement that agrees perfectly with your original statement =). Maybe instead of "and excited me at the same time" you could just use the phrase "as well," or something similar.</p>
<p>Your experience is unique (wish I had a twin!) but the essay seems more focused on your twin than on you, in my opinion. I kind of agree with WhatIsAYouth that your "theme" or whatever doesn't come across strongly enough. You tell your story at a slow, steady pace until the last paragraph, when you state a lot of things pertinent to your point in a very small amount of space.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the suggestions and comments guys. I changed it up a bit. How's this?</p>
<p>Having a twin means that I have had to share everything, from the last piece of pie to the more comfortable bed. Recently, however, my twin has received an experience that we did not share, and I am thankful for it.</p>
<p>Last January, my twin was selected to be a Congressional page, which meant that we would be separated by 5,000 miles for six months. There would be no more fighting for six months over the larger slice of apple or who could use the computer first. But there would be no piano duets and no laughing together while watching The Simpsons, either. I couldnt believe my brother and I were going to separated for six months, and prospect of not having a twin for six months frightened and excited me at the same time.</p>
<p>Although each twin is unique, each is also a reflection of the other. I was frightened that reflection would not be there when I awakened in the morning, frightened that I would feel and be seen by others as only a part of a whole. Since we shared a room, I felt that my room would be a vast expanse of space without someone to share it with, but I enjoyed my extra freedom. Since we helped each other with homework, I felt I was going to struggle the rest of the year, but my grades remained in top shape. Since we depended on each other for support, I felt I was going to feel lonely, but I made new friends and became more involved in new activities. </p>
<p>My twin has taught me a lot, but his absence has taught me just as much. I realized that I could be independent from my twin, and when it is time again to go our separate ways, Ill be ready.</p>
<p>I like it. Your 2nd paragraph could use some improvement but over all it's good.
This is the part that needs improvement.
"Since we shared a room, I felt that my room would be a vast expanse of space without someone to share it with, but I enjoyed my extra freedom. Since we helped each other with homework, I felt I was going to struggle the rest of the year, but my grades remained in top shape. Since we depended on each other for support, I felt I was going to feel lonely, but I made new friends and became more involved in new activities."</p>
<p>However, instead of asking people on an internet forum, why not show this to your English teacher?</p>
<p>Though the whole 'since' repetition thing might be a stylistic mark of yours that you're trying to tack on, and I'm not a big fan of crampin' other people's styles (lol), I don't think it's very effective. Can you make this more unique? Some other people up there said it - it needs to feel like it's from your gut. That one time you were doing your homework and your twin took a bullet in the waist when Schwarzennager busted through the bedroom window as the Terminator, tommy guns blaring, where was that?? Again, showing not telling.</p>