This is not really a question, just an outlet to drop the weight!
I don’t know where to start…a relative of ours, a highly, highly educated medical professional, recently died. Upon passing, we learned his wife of two decades, and their teen kids, had been subjected extreme psychological and physical abuse - beatings, psychological torture (her word), threats of murder, car chases you name it, it happened. Apparently, 911 were regular visitors, and on at least two occasions, he spent a couple of nights in jail.
We always knew this person struggled psychologically, he was a functioning drug addict, had been in and out of psych, wards, was a pathological liar, isolated his family from the greater family, and forbade contact, and the list goes on.
Since he died, his wife and kids have been ‘back in the fold’ so to speak, and their stories would make a strongman weep. I’m just so baffled by why the wife didn’t leave, why nobody in authority - doctors, teachers etc. had any suspicions. She feels she stayed ‘for the kids’ - but when your kids witness, and are subject to that degree of abuse, I’m not sure what the benefit is. There’s a lot more, but this morning I’m just processing. Thanks for reading 
I’m so sorry.
I can’t say very much because I’m not anonymous here, but I try to focus on having compassion for everybody rather than on trying to understand. This is not something I’m going to be able to understand, no matter how much people try to explain it. I can give love and support while I stay baffled.
OP- hugs to you.
I’m not a psychologist but there is a growing body of literature on why people stay in abusive situations. I think the message to their families-- after the fact- is pretty straightforward-- be as present in their lives as they want you to be, make it easy for them to re-establish contact, don’t make your support contingent on them reliving the horror show, try to provide the same level of care you would in any comparable situation absent the abuse-- she’s a widow, her kids have lost their father. Do they need help with home maintenance, sorting out their financial situation, is there a competent executor, does she need a referral to a lawyer, does she need help sorting through and throwing out his stuff, does someone need to volunteer to go to his office and retrieve the photos of the kids on his desk, etc.
What a curve ball for the people who love them…
I know someone in an emotionally abusive relationship, and someone who got out after more than 40 years. I truly don’t understand the woman who is staying with the main who has cheated on her repeatedly through the years. We really thought she’d leave this last time, when their adult son found another woman in his mom’s bed. But nope.
I have not been in that situation, but figure that it must be really difficult to get out, judging by the number of people who stay in them. Certainly with young kids leaving is more difficult, but I figure the abuser does a number on their self-esteem and they simply can’t see a way out.
Although I have not experienced this in my own family, I have met several people who have dealt with this. The abuse erodes self confidence over time, and the fear of what will happen if the abused person leaves is very real. While it may be difficult for those of us who have not been through it to understand, the situation becomes extremely difficult to leave for those who are in it. For example, a woman may be told that no one will believe her and that she will lose her children to the abuser - or worse, the abuser may tell her that he will kill the children if she leaves. From the outside looking in, we may think that she just needs to get away … but for the woman who is in that situation, it’s not that simple. We had a woman in our community who ended up killing her abusive husband when he went too far hurting their disabled child. Reading the story of their life after the fact was eye opening and heartbreaking.
I want to point out that women are not the only ones abused.
I realize this is getting a bit off topic, but the online resource I suggest for people married to cheaters is called “Chump Lady.”
I thought about that as I typed my response. I have only known women in this situation, but it’s definitely not only women who are affected. Thanks for pointing that out.
Sending support your way and to your family members dealing with the aftermath.
One thing I will aways remember is the fact that the most dangerous time for an abused person is when they leave their abuser. They are more likely to be killed while trying to leave than any other time.
Leaving can genuinely be more dangerous than staying. At the very least it can feel more dangerous. I definitely understand the feeling behind thinking “Dear God, why didn’t she just leave?” - it’s often not about wanting to judge, but about feeling horrified and feeling that surely there should have been a way out. But I think you need to accept that you can’t know how it feels, and how these decisions look, from inside an abuse situation unless you’ve been there… so the best approach is probably to be grateful that you’ll never have the perspective to answer this question, and that’s okay, because your role in the situation isn’t to debrief how else it might have gone, but to support in any way you can going forward. If you need help quieting those questions, read stories of people who haven’t survived (and/or whose kids haven’t survived) the attempt to leave an abusive relationship. 
It can be particularly tough when the abuser has status in the community (as in this situation) and the victim justly fears not being believed. The question of “how were they failed by those around them” is indeed worth asking, particularly if you’re interested in working for change in terms of how we address domestic abuse as a society.
It sounds like a blessing, albeit a belated one, that he’s gone. Best wishes for the healing of your family members. 
Thank you all. I am reading your responses, just not able to respond to each. My head is churning, and my heart is breaking. I can’t understand how apparently nobody in authority noticed or suspected - not doctors, teachers, coaches etc. Apparently, nobody noticed.
It is a heartbreaking situation. Hopefully the family can start to mend little by little.
It’s a complex situation and I’m sure there are complex reasons why the abused spouse would not have left. Just love on them as much as you can and just listen, give them hugs, and all that. The wife & kids will need a lot of therapy.
As a therapist, decades ago I had a client who was a woman in her 20s, abused as a child by her attorney father. She had the same question “How did no one notice me suffering? I flinched if anyone, included beloved teachers came too close”. And she answered it for herself: “No one was looking for that. They figured everything was fine in my upper middle class suburb, especially with a professional family.” Lots of inaccurate assumptions get made; her words were powerful. Children suffer and partners hide, fearing judgment and that they are the only ones.
This is about someone other than the OP and it’s a very sensitive topic. We here on CC are not equipped to analyze someone’s private relationship. I agree that we should be aware of these situations and understand that bad things happen in all kinds of families, but it’s not our place to discuss here.
Closing thread.