Harsh, compulsive, and spirit-crushing parent - I don't know what to do.

Parents Forum
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<p>This is my first time posting in the parents' forum. I'm posting here because I don't know what to do. I'm posting here because I've been suffering for the past 18 years, and I can't take it anymore.</p>

<p>For my entire life, I've cried more than other kids. At first, I've always thought it was because I was just a bad kid or that something was wrong with me, but now, that I'm older (high school senior), more experienced, and more insightful in general, I've realized that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm not a bad kid. I've just been brought up by unsupportive parenting.</p>

<p>Really, really unsupportive parenting. A lot of things have clashed unfortunately that have made my situation the way it is. I have such a difficult time with my mother. A lot of things have been hard on her, but she takes it much harder than the average person. She holds onto grudges for decades. She somehow manages to be polite and courteous to outsiders - but then she comes home and takes all her anger out on me. When I was younger, she would slap me (often) and kick me (this was less frequent) to get me to listen to her. She hasn't touched me for years, but she still scares me just as much. </p>

<p>She's very impulsively angry, and she will fume at me for the smallest things, such as leaving a plate out on the counter or having my clothes miss the laundry basket by a few inches. These are small accidental things that she could just say "you missed the laundry basket, please put the clothes inside" to, but instead, she yells and screams for something that doesn't mandate that sort of commotion. She is so mean to me, all of the time. This has made it so painfully hard for me ever since I was young. My mom thinks she can just continue to bash me down and that I am endlessly resilient and that her insults do not make a difference because I am her own child and family and won't affect anyone else, but that is not the case. I am cracking. I can't take it anymore. I have tried talking to her about it, but she won't listen because she is very stubborn and believes since she is older, she is always right. </p>

<p>In spite of my mom's lack of support, I have somehow still managed to achieve at a pretty high level. I scored well in the SAT. I was accepted to a top school. I recently got a job offer from a good company and currently have started working for this company. But sometimes, I feel like that is all so unsubstantial. Because when I go home at night, my mom never talks to me. She never says hi, or asks how I am doing. It's like she is an invisible wall. The only words I will ever hear from her are criticism or fussing about something small like forgetting a dish out on the counter. In the past few months she has only said two things to me out of her own volition: "Congratulations." when I got the acceptance letter from the school. 10 minutes of silence later, she said, "Are you happy?" and I said, "no, because this doesn't mean anything." Later, I realized that objectively, getting into the school means a lot and I am happy that I have gotten in, but really, what would mean the most to me is if my mom could be a little more supportive of what I do. Even a simple "you did a good job here" or "I am proud of you" would make a big difference for me. But no. Never. Just harshness. Impulsive yelling. And for all of the rest of the time, coldness.</p>

<p>I am usually productive and sometimes happy. I try to keep my sad feelings isolated from the rest of my life and the rest of my life is ok and pretty successful, I guess. But then there are moments when I break down in tears because my mom's actions towards me make me lose all hope. I can't help it - I don't bother her and she will just be harsh and verbally spirit-crushing to me out of the blue. I really don't know what to do, so I am posting here. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or know of someone who is this way? What did you/they/the children who are affected do? What would you do if you were in my position? Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated... </p>

<p>Thanks for reading.
--Firelight</p>

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<p>I take it you’re a HS senior and will be going away to college this fall? At least you can now see “the light at the end of the tunnel”. Look at going to college as the start of a new opportunity for you to restart your life in a new environment. Try to focus on future and how you will be in an improved situation. Don’t waste energy looking back, just try to be empathic about your mother and not angry about her. As the saying goes “it is what it is”… it’s not going to change now so just move forward with the next stage of your life where you will have control of your environment.</p>

<p>What other options than MIT do you have, that’s a pretty high stress environment at that school which can be tough when you’re going from being the smartest person in your HS to an average or below average student at MIT. Giving where you’re coming from a less stressful school might be worth considering.</p>

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<p>FooMonChew: Thanks for your reply. Yes, I will presumably be going away to college this fall. At first, I was originally considering going to college closer to home because if something goes wrong I can talk to my brother who is really supportive and means the world to me. But then I realized that I didn’t want to go to school that close to my mom. So I’m definitely going someplace farther away like MIT. My brother and I can vchat or something. </p>

<p>I know where you’re coming from with your second paragraph and I have thought a lot in the past few days about whether or not I want to go somewhere so high stress like MIT. Honestly I am a little scared. But I’m used to not being the best. My high school is really competitive so I am used to being a really competitive environment. As of right now I don’t have many options other than MIT because I haven’t heard back from most places yet. I’m into a state school and and two other math/science institutions across the nation, but they do not appeal to me the same way MIT does. </p>

<p>I look forward to not having to see my mom on a regular basis, and I do not plan to visit her much once I am out of college and have bought my own place. But I am not on my own yet. I still live with her, and thus, I still have to endure the pain that she imparts on me. I wish I could just erase her from my life, but as I mentioned above, it is not I who initiates our verbal interactions. It is she.</p>

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<p>Firelight, I grew up in a very similar situation. Leaving home at age 18 was the best thing I ever did. I never went back. My mom was also was very angry all the time and showed a different face to the world.
I think you would really benefit from talking to a good therapist. You’re going to have to do a lot of work on yourself as an adult to counter everything you’ve been through growing up. I actually have compassion for my mom now that I am an adult, but it took many years. I would second the above recommendation to find a college option that is less intense and competitive. There are plenty of top caliber schools where you might find the warm and individually supportive environment you have lacked growing up, but that all humans really need to thrive, not just survive.
Having been through a similar situation, I would counsel you to not cut off any part of yourself, to not stuff it away, but to find a way of dealing with it. Finding someone to talk to - and at this point in your life, a trained counselor might be the best option - is going to help immensely. I wish you all the luck in the world. Feel free to PM me if you want. It does get better - believe me!</p>

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<p>My heart goes out to you. I too had a very difficult parent growing up, and it leaves emotional scars. You’re always wondering if you’re good enough.</p>

<p>Definitely think carefully about MIT. Also – see if you can start seeing a therapist – not because you are the source of the problem, but because you need ways to shield your psyche from the mean-spirited things your mother says and does. Some people meditate to put themselves in a different space when the verbal abuse occurs. For better or worse, you have a relationship with her, and you need to develop coping mechanisms to survive as a whole, sane person. This is very stressful - no doubt about it – and you need to shore yourself up.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>Firelight, You deserve to be loved and nurtured. Unfortunately, there are many who have the misfortune to be raised by parents who are unwilling or unable to provide their children with a safe, nurturing, loving environment. But all “bad” parents do some things well and all “good” parents do some things poorly. It may help to think of your mother’s shortcomings as a disability of sorts; she has an emotional disability that makes giving you empathy and support difficult or impossible for her, just as having an intellectual disability might prevent someone from doing basic math. This means you will have scars and perhaps even open wounds from her failings. </p>

<p>The good news is that MIT has awesome student services that can help. A good therapist will be ESSENTIAL for you to move past these early traumas (and continuing issues) so that you can have the life you deserve. DO NOT SKIMP on getting yourself the support you need and take advantage of the opportunity that MIT will provide in that regard. Seek out this help early in your MIT career to give yourself the best possible start to your academic life. and to heal your emotional life. </p>

<p>There is no shame in this, zero, none. Instead acknowledge that you have been blessed with many things (intelligence, determination, and so forth) and unfortunately given some obstacles to deal with…so deal with them, don’t hide from them. Be courageous and bold. At MIT you will rub shoulders with kids who have their own obstacles to deal with and I guarantee you that you will not be the only one who has a less than supportive family behind them. </p>

<p>Someday (not today) you’ll be able to forgive your mother for her failings. Your life is just beginning to open up for you, don’t let HER “disability” keep you from your happiness. Love yourself.</p>

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<p>Great advice from Storytimes. And MIT might indeed be the right choice for you, but I agree, get support at school - make it a priority.
One thing that growing up with difficult parents teaches you is survival skills. You are probably able to endure a lot without freaking out, so you may well thrive at MIT. I wish you all the luck in the world.</p>

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<p>I would add that it can be helpful to see a therapist who is familiar with issues of children of immigrants. Some of your mother’s behavior may be rooted in the culture from which she came, or from her own personal history and treatment growing up.</p>

<p>I am almost 60 and still dealing with my mother’s issues, and my own in having her as a mother. I have found, at this later age, that I am able to forgive her and maintain a healthy detachment, while also being there to support her in her old age, but it took my whole life to get here. And her behavior has not changed, just my reaction to it.</p>

<p>So by all means, see a therapist, but be patient with yourself. There will be times when a good strategy is to try to forget so that you can work, and times when pain from your upbringing may threaten to sabotage what you are doing in your life. The trick is to stay on your path and progress in your life, while also dealing with emotional issues that lie underneath. Ignoring them can cause trouble, but so can overfocusing on them.</p>

<p>Things will work out. Often, when we are leaving the home for the first time, these feelings emerge in a potent way. It is a recognition that childhood is over, and that you will probably not get what you needed from your parent. It is a time to grieve, and it would be good to do that in the company of a sympathetic counselor.</p>

<p>Where is your father, and he is he part of the picture at all?</p>

<p>Only you know whether MIT is a good choice. Again, if you have the support of a therapist, you can make that decision once you have all your acceptances on hand.</p>

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<p>Some of the greatest achievments stem from the most brutal hardships. Best of luck to you Firelight - thoughts and prayers for your continued strength.</p>

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<p>I think you should go to MIT, but take advantage of their counseling services proactively even if you feel pretty good about things next fall. Also remember that many many students struggle their first year at MIT - that’s why they don’t have grades for freshman. So try not to stress to much even if it’s hard. Do keep in touch with your brother - vchat is a great idea. I think you’ll be much better off going away to school, and I think you’ll kick yourself later if you don’t at least give MIT a chance. Good luck.</p>

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<p>First, congratulations, firelight, qualifying for the USAMO is quite an accomplishment!</p>

<p>Second, it sounds as though you have overcome really adverse circumstances. I don’t think any culture would tolerate a parent who kicks children. Your situation seems very tough, and I agree with the advice that you might talk to a counselor, on a friendly basis, when you arrive at MIT.</p>

<p>Yet, at the risk of being flamed, now that you are an adult, I am going to ask you to put yourself in your mother’s shoes for a moment. From the discussion on the “Tiger Mother” thread, I have learned that [at least some] Chinese parents feel that their “children owe the parents everything.” Does your mother come from a culture with that point of view? If so, then she grew up with that as the expectation. </p>

<p>However, it sounds as though you came to the US when you were relatively young, and you have more typically American cultural expectations. This sets up the circumstances for a lot of clashes.</p>

<p>Also, there was a lot of emphasis on the “Tiger Mom” thread about Chinese parents assuming that their children are strong and resilient. It sounds as though you are also experiencing this, but with an American setting for your expectations. (I’m not necessarily guessing that you are Chinese, but perhaps whatever your culture, this part of it is also similar.)</p>

<p>So, as a child, your mother very probably endured the same kind of upbringing that you have had. Then, as an adult, she made the decision to come here, to make life better for you. At all stages of her life, your mother finds that she is the one who seems to “owe” things to others, first to her parents (before she emigrated) and now to her children.</p>

<p>She may also be carrying some guilt, if she left her parents behind, and then her father died–perhaps she did not provide the support to him in his old age that is expected in the culture of her birth. Does she expect that you have absorbed at least as much of the cultural burden she carries, that you will support her in her old age? Or does she feel that you are so completely Americanized that she can’t count on that? Could you see how this issue might interact with guilt feelings about leaving her father (assuming that she did leave him)?</p>

<p>Does she have a job? What sort of hours does she work? Is she happy with the level of job that she has? Do you think she feels over-burdened? It sounds to me as though she does.</p>

<p>Purely personally, I feel that one of the complaints that you have raised–that your mother becomes irate over minor housekeeping issues–is not actually warranted, on your part. When you miss the laundry basket, do you not already know that you missed it at the time? (If it is hidden away, and you cannot tell that you’ve missed it until your mother drags it out to do the laundry, then ignore this part.) But if you can see it, why should your mother have to call this to your attention at all? Do you do the laundry yourself, or does she just discover that you’ve missed the laundry basket when she starts to do the laundry? If you leave a plate out, do you live in a part of the country where this will attract mice? (We do.) That could make it upsetting. At 18 you are an adult, and a few non-scholastic expectations are reasonable–especially if you know that these particular things matter to your mother.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your thoughts. Storytimes - your response is amazing and very nice, thank you for the brighter perspective on things.
Compmom - yes, I am sure some of my mom’s actions towards me stem from her culture. Her father was very strict towards her. However… and this is what is a bit difficult for me: my mother’s sister is very sweet and kind towards her child. I am actually living at her sister’s house (for a week) right now… and the contrast is huge. The contrast itself makes me sad because I did not know that parents could be this courteous to their children. I wish my mother were more like her sister - they did grow up in the same household only a few years apart - but sadly everyone is different.</p>

<p>My father is still in the picture. My parents are still married and we all live together. They fight a lot (mostly initiated by my mom being frustrated that my dad does not clean the house enough.) My father is entirely neutral. He does not push me, encourage me, nor break me down. He is very uninvolved emotionally, which is good compared to my mom because she is too heavy in the negative direction. Sometimes I wish I could talk to him more, but that doesn’t concern me too much at the moment. </p>

<p>Mathmom - I’m definitely leaning towards MIT at the moment. Soon I will hear back from everywhere and I will spend April visiting the schools that I am accepted to. I’m going to MIT’s Campus Preview Weekend for admitted students in two weeks so I will have a stronger sense of whether or not it is really a good fit for me. I’ll try to ask about student counseling services. I’ve talked to my school’s psychologist on a sort-of-regular-but-not-really basis in the past year or two and it has been helpful for the first year but now I think we are not the best fit since it has not been very helpful recently. We’ve never talked about my mom much - maybe we should. I have not looked into anyone outside of my school, so I don’t think I’ll be talking to anyone over the summer. I do a pretty good job of keeping this isolated from my school/work/social life, so none of my friends know except for one. I appear happy enough on the surface; it’s just what my mom does at home that is harder. </p>

<p>What I am wondering is, what are the reasons to “take advantage of their counseling services proactively even if you feel pretty good about things next fall”? I’m sort of hesitant …</p>

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<p>Talking about your mother if you are under 18, could bring social services into your family’s life. Just want to make sure you know that.</p>

<p>I don’t want to ask what country your mom comes from, but wonder if you have read any books at all about the transition involved for new immigrants? There are many authors who write about this…</p>

<p>Are there stresses in your mother’s life? Her quick angry reactions sound like she might be under pressure of some kind-?</p>

<p>Many people are able to compartmentalize the way you are doing. The thing is, it has a way of catching up to you at some point, and the idea is that therapy can deal with or prevent that. The fact that you posted that you “can’t take it anymore” would lead some of us to believe things have indeed caught up with you, but perhaps that was a momentary feeling. You can continue to tough things out, and hope that life and relationships and work teach you to value yourself.</p>

<p>But in this time of transition, you may have more difficult moments and counseling can be a great resource. Remember, half of college students avail themselves of therapy: it is very, very common, and, as someone else said, does not indicate that you have “problems.”</p>

<p>Sounds like MIT might be a great fit, and I hope you are happy with whatever choice you make.</p>

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<p>firelight, I thought MIT was your first choice, I am certainly not wedded to you going there! Consider all your options, but I would choose for the best education and good fit and not to be near your brother. Good luck!</p>

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<p>firelight, you might try talking with your aunt about circumstances when she and your mother were growing up–not sure if that’s possible, but it might shed some light. The circumstances of a family can change dramatically in just a few years, and this could affect the children (your mother and your aunt) quite differently. </p>

<p>For example, my spouse’s father was a child during the 1930’s Depression in the US, and his family went through more than one boom-bust cycle during that era. The difference in children’s ages during boom vs. bust periods could have quite an effect.</p>

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<p>Firelight - I had a similar problem with my immigrant father who was abusive. Going away to college saved my life. I took advantage of student counseling services when I needed them and went home for the summer only one year - after freshman year because I didn’t have a job. Other summers I found work and lived on campus. Some of the courses I took were helpful and just living with other students from more loving families was also a good influence. Having a regular session with a psychologist at MIT or where ever you attend may be a good way to ease the transition to college at least for the first year. Another way to do it is privately but in a group psychotherapy setting (less expensive). Eventually, I was able to return home and forgive especially after my mother died. By then I was in graduate school and as my father aged into his 70’s and 80’s the anger burned itself out. As other posters have mentioned, one still works on some of those early childhood traumas throughout ones life. Good luck to you.</p>

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<p>Internet Hugs. Lots and lots. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I agee, as soon as you get to MIT, check out [MIT</a> Medical : Mental Health and Counseling](<a href=“MIT Medical”>Student Mental Health & Counseling Services | MIT Medical)</p>

<p>They can help, but my guess is just getting away from home will help.</p>

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<p>I could have written a similar post at your age (except the immigrant part). I spent the majority of my youth trying to be the perfect kid thinking it would be enough for my Mom to give me even the smallest complement. I can’t even remember ever getting a hug from her–ever. She was nice and giving to non-family members outside the house. People in the town thought she was so nice and caring. To her own family, she was bitter, cold, and unloving. She fought with my father at night about the smallest insignificant things. I spent more nights awake crying with a pillow over my head than sleeping.</p>

<p>Never a compliment. Never a hug. Just emptiness. I don’t have one happy memory with her in it. Sad, but true. So, I can feel for you and your situation.</p>

<p>It took me well into my adult years to understand that her bitterness and cold personality towards my Dad and the kids had nothing to do with us. Why she had 5 kids I’ll never understand. I think she hated being a Mom and wife and took out her frustration on those closest to her. </p>

<p>Somehow, you have to get it through your head that her problems and emotions have nothing to do with you and your actions. Stop searching for compliments because she’s incapable of giving them to you. Realize that you have overcome and will succeed despite her behavior towards you. Be proud of your accomplishments. </p>

<p>I suppose her gift to you is the deep understanding of how not to treat the people you’re supposed to love. When you become a parent, make a conscious effort to break the cycle and never treat your kids the way she has treated you.</p>

<p>Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.</p>

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<p>Just one other item of advice: If at some point, you are ready to talk through the suicide attempt when you were 9, with a counselor, I would strongly suggest seeing a private counselor who is not affiliated with the university, for that part of the discussion.</p>

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<p>Firelight - so sorry for your circumstances. The light is at the end of the tunnel – you will be out of the house in a few short months and well on your way to adulthood.</p>

<p>I agree with the other parents who are encouraging you to find a good counselor at college (MIT or elsewhere) just to help you work through the issues with your mom, because there will be new and other stressful adjustments with college that might pile on and make things even more confusing. </p>

<p>As for your mom, it sounds like she is a seriously unhappy person who hates herself. And the reason I point that out is that you are crushed that she is not supportive and is just mean to you all the time, but you almost might need to just accept that she is a miserable person, is self-absorbed, and it is NOT your fault and is really not about you at all. She has some serious issues and might just be a bad mother, but it doesn’t mean YOU are a bad person or are not worthy and deserving of love and support and of someone appreciating your accomplishments. It just will likely never be her. </p>

<p>My kids and I were just talking about this the other day – children who grow up in households with severely limited adult emotional support and without that unconditional love have to really work hard to move past it and in a way, have to grow up a lot quicker. It’s great that you have your brother to talk with, and I suspect college will be a wonderful experience for you. Hang in there, and good luck.</p>

<p>Edit: cross posted with NYSmile - in total agreement.</p>