steamedrice's Essay Scoring/Feedback Thread

[MiniatureDrone]

<p>Prompt: "Is Imagination better than reality?"</p>

<p>The happy go lucky ideals of the imagination are far better than the cold, harsh blows that reality has to offer. Under any circumstance, it is only natural for human beings to concoct scenarios that are much more desirable than their present ones. Countless works of literature depict imagination as an unrealistic, but nevertheless a much more preferable substitute to reality. All Quiet on the Western Front, The Grapes of Wrath, and “Ode on a Grecian Urn” demonstrate that imagination is superior to reality.<br>
All Quiet on the Western Front, by Erich Maria Remarque, features Paul Baumer fighting for the Germans in World War I. Baumer joined the army utterly convinced by Kantorek, his teacher, that he was proudly representing Germany and he would emerge as a war hero. Kantorek painted vivid scenes of glorious battles and spurred students to enlist in the army to fulfill their patriotic duty. Baumer’s experience, however completely differed from the one painted by Kantorek. Instead of the expected adventures and honorable fighting, machine guns, mortars, and poison gas made fighting impersonal as ever and posed as everyday hazards. Food was scarce. Oversized rats plagued the trenches and lice infested the beds. Thus, Kantorek’s imaginings, though idealistic and optimistic, prove to be foolish and were shown to have no place in the realities of war.
The many families in The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck, also show how imagination is stronger than reality. The numerous fliers distributed by Californian landowners throughout Oklahoma portrayed California as a place filled with vacant jobs. After losing their homes to the bank, the families would head to California thinking it to be a paradise. However, the landowners simply took advantage of the migrants’ plight and would purposely lower the wages to exploit the massive workforce. Men were set up to compete against one another for jobs just so they could feed their families. The illusion of California being another Eden vanished as soon as families reached California. It was definitely overflowing with “mountains of oranges,” but the truth was that none of the families would ever get to eat any. Hence, the vision of California being a sanctuary was much better than what reality could provide.
Similarly, John Keats’ Ode on a Grecian Urn’s central theme emphasizes that dominance of imagination over reality. Keats describes the many carvings on the urn as events that will never happen, but that would still bring great happiness to the participants in the events. For example, the second stanza describes two lovers that are about to kiss. Though they can “never, never canst thou kiss,” they have no need to “grieve” since they will “forever” love and be “fair.” The ode shows that it is during the moments prior to an actual event that are the most exciting. A person does not know what to expect and this anticipation causes him to imagine great things. But once the event does occur, the person’s eagerness subsides. Keats’ poem demonstrates how imagination is grander than reality.
Ultimately, the imagination will always create optimism too great for what reality can produce. Kantorek’s ideals were too farfetched for Baumer’s difficult circumstances. Migrant families in The Grapes of Wrath were thoroughly disillusioned with the California they had put on a pedestal. Keats showed how imagination provides greater happiness and beauty than those provided by reality. Imagination, while sometimes deficient of logic, is unmatched as it allows its user to obtain a greater state of satisfaction than the any one given by reality.</p>

[shiomi]

<p>Can people ever be truly original?</p>

<p>When a new invention, painting, or scientific theory is unveiled, some criticize it for its lack of originality. However, what these critics fail to realize is that all "original" ideas are based off of similar ones. This is not a bad thing, because these similar ideas are built upon and merged with innovation to create something "original." As evidenced by the musical revolution incited by Johann Sebastian Bach and the exploits of the main character of the novel, This Side of Paradise, people can be original, because originality is derived from the ideas of others.</p>

<p>During the seventeenth century, Bach emerged and created an uproar in the musical world with his compositions. However, Bach's compositions were not a new and unique type of music. Bach took the popular music of his time, improved upon it and created a slight variation of it. Yet, no present-day music critic would dare accuse Bach of being unoriginal, because Bach, by introducing his own innovation, created something original.</p>

<p>The protagonist of Fitzgerald's This Side of Paradise, also exemplifies the notion that originality stems from the ideas of others. Upon his arrival at college, Amory, the protagonist, feels the desire to set himself apart from his peers. Yet in his quest to be unique and original, Amory takes the admirable qualities of individuals around him and transposes them onto himself. For example, Amory admires Dick Humbird for his amiable nature that allows him to befriend people of different backgrounds, thus Amory attempts to transpose this trait of Dick's onto himself. Amory tries to become original by taking the good traits of others, to become an individual that surpasses them, by combining their traits into one being.</p>

<p>As shown by the historical example of Bach and the literary example of Amory, originality is contrived from already familiar ideas. Back developed the music of his time into an entirely different entity, making his name in history forever and Amory, in his attempt to be unique, borrowed the unique traits of his peers. </p>

<p>PS:
Tried using the CABE structure, had difficulty summing this up, is this an adequate conclusion?
EDIT: Also, is it enough to get a 9 with just 2 examples? I have a difficult time using conclusions, but I did try to force a historical and literary example in, as you suggested..
Though the literary example may have been bending it...
Do you feel I need to provide more length?</p>

<p>Thanks once again Steamed!</p>

[fiftyeight]

<p>[Note: This is from the current official practice test posted on the CB website.]</p>

<p>
[QUOTE=Adapted from J. David Velleman, “The Genesis of Shame”]
Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Assignment: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?</p>

<p>I believe that people should make more of an effort to keep some things private. In this essay, I will be supporting my stand from several angles.</p>

<p>Firstly, a certain degree of privacy is necessary to maintain each individual’s personal space – this implies that in the absence of privacy, only the individual will ultimately be at a disadvantage. In light of this, it is not surprising, then, that dystopian literature has often employed the lack of privacy as a device in the crafting of setting – two examples which stand out are the omnipresent telescreens of Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four with its accompanying ubiquitous Thought Police, and the ‘utopia-turned-bad’ of Huxley’s Brave New World, a state in which “everyone belongs to everyone else”. In these novels, the lack of privacy has been clearly aligned with the loss of individuality in these texts – no doubt implying that privacy is essential for human society to function properly.</p>

<p>Secondly, a lack of privacy implicitly reveals a devaluation of trust between human beings. I believe that the “honest” Velleman alludes to does not reflect the true sense of the word – a personal integrity and a strong moral code – rather, it is a weak replacement which almost seems to demand the same degree of honesty from others: such an approach cannot possibly be right since true honesty must come from within and not be coerced out of an individual. By developing a stronger sense of what could and should be better left unsaid, I believe that both privacy and trust would be more strongly appreciated by all parties concerned.</p>

<p>One significant example which bears special relevance in today’s context is the ability to remain anonymous on the World Wide Web – in recent times, it has become increasingly more difficult to remain faceless, signifying a decrease in privacy. Here, I believe that the benefits of privacy in this realm clearly outweigh its disadvantages. For example, the risk of becoming a victim of identity theft or having one’s credit card number stolen is surely not worth the small plus of gaining more information on what sites the average user is surfing, is it? ‘The innocent have nothing to fear’ – this no longer rings true in today’s world, and as such, more privacy can only benefit the innocent.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi fiona,</p>

<p>I was fairly impressed by your essay, and I would tentatively score it a 10-11. There are some issues that should be addressed, but the strengths of the essay were very strong.</p>

<p>Strengths:
+I really enjoyed the way the piece was structured, with comparisons in each paragraph between the past and the present. The topic basically necessitated something outside the normal historical/literary example structure, and you responded to that challenge brilliantly. This is the primary reason I would score this essay high.</p>

<p>+Well-chosen examples, especially regarding how well each pair of examples matched up in their intent. </p>

<p>+Demonstrated a high level of knowledge (rotaviruses etc.) and language use (serendipitously, though ironically most people would use serendipitous to describe penicillin rather than the phone).</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-Ideally, it should have a stronger introduction. While it gets your main point across, another sentence or two to clarify and strengthen your thesis would help. Remember, often the introduction is the strongest impression a reader will get from you. Check earlier in this topic for the CABE structure I've been recommending.</p>

<p>-The main problem with this essay, and the reason why I say it's tentatively a 10-11, is that the body paragraphs aren't so clearly linked to the thesis. Your thesis, as far as I can tell, states that the purpose of technology is to serve society's needs, and that purpose hasn't changed. However, it seems more like your body paragraphs are strongly supporting that society's needs and corresponding technological efforts haven't changed, when the prompt is actually asking if the purpose of technology has changed or not. </p>

<p>Of course, there's an implicit connection between the two, but you need to explicitly make that connection and talk about the PURPOSE. You kind of dance around it in the intro and conclusion, but it needs to be clear throughout the entire essay.</p>

<p>Overall, it was a strong essay with a nice structure, and I enjoyed reading it. You're a strong writer; just make sure you closely read and clearly answer exactly what the prompt is asking. Hope this helped!</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>MiniatureDrone:</p>

<p>I'd score this essay a 9-10. While your writing stylistically was very good, it seemed like you never had one clear, specific thesis in mind. More details ahead...</p>

<p>Strengths:
+As mentioned, very strong language use. Good transitions between sentences, varied sentence structure use, advanced vocabulary, and more. I didn't see any incorrect usage of words, so bravo.</p>

<p>+Extremely detailed and well-developed examples. If you wrote this essay in 25 minutes, then I'm extremely impressed (and I'd still be impressed even without a time limit). Each example was vividly illustrated with a powerful contrast drawn between the reality and the illusion.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-This was kind of a tricky prompt. The key was to clearly define what "better" means, and proceed with your thesis from there. It seemed like your thesis kept undergoing minor shifts. Were you trying to say that imagination is unrealistic? That imagination is "idealistic" and doesn't fit in reality? That imagination is "much better" and "grander" than reality? Make sure your thesis is narrow and specific, and it fully answers the prompt. I felt like your main idea kept narrowly eluding me as I read through your essay.</p>

<p>-Don't overgeneralize. Avoid always: "Ultimately, the imagination will always create optimism too great for what reality can produce."</p>

<p>-Try to use different types of examples. While using only literary examples is perfectly acceptable (especially since you used them well), it's more convincing to make your point from multiple angles.</p>

<p>Overall, it's just a matter of making your main point extremely clear and making your connections to that point extremely clear. Address that and avoid logical fallacies, and your essays will be undeniably excellent. I hope I made clear what I was trying to say; if not, then post here and I'll try to clarify it more.</p>

<p>Hope this helped,
Richard</p>

[Sriacha]

<p>Here's my essay :]</p>

<p>
[quote]
We often hear that we can learn much about someone or something just by casual observation. We are not required to look beneath the surface or to question how something seems. In fact, we are urged to trust our impressions, often our first impressions, of how a person or a situation seems to be. Yet appearances can be misleading. What “seems” isn’t always what is.

[/quote]

[quote]
Assignment:</p>

<p>Is the way something seems to be not always the same as it actually is? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>
[quote]
Our perceptions of people, objects, and situations aren't always correct. Sometimes, there is a completely different character under all the makeup. There are numerous situations in literature that support this claim. In the Greek Myth Psyche and Eros, Psyche, through the eyes of her sisters, believed that her Eros was a baleful creature. Likewise, the Joad's desire for a better life, caused him to believe California was a haven for migrant workers like him and his family.</p>

<p>In the Greek myth, Psyche was a teenage girl who Aphrodite, the goddess of love, was jealous of. Because many mortals compared the goddess to Psyche, Aphrodite forced her son, Eros, to dispatch of Psyche. However, Eros disobeyed his mother and took Psyche away to his realm. Although they lived together, Psyche never once saw Ero's face because he would only come at night and leave by day. Stressed, she seeked her sister's advice. They told her that Eros was a creature from the Underworld. Frightened, Psyche listened to her sisters and decided to kill her husband. At night when Eros was in a deep sleep, Psyche crept up behind Eros. Instead if finding a monster, she found a beautiful God sleeping. Psyche's discovery of Eros supports that what people perceive isn't always true.</p>

<p>In the story The Grapes of Wrath by john Steinbeck, the flyers that many California company owners scattered throughout the east caused the Joads to believe that California was a haven for them. The Joads sold everything, packed their belongings, and journeyed to California. When they arrived, instead of finding green pastures filled with ready to eat fruit, they found children starving to death why fruits rot from overproduction. </p>

<p>Perception plays a vital part in society, but it obscures reality. The supports from Greek mythology and the novel, The Grapes of Wrath, underscore that things aren't usually the way they are.

[/quote]
</p>

[uttaresh]

<p>
[quote]
In F. Scott Fitzgerald's book The Great Gatsby, Gatsby is said to have believed in the green light at the end of the dock. This light represents, in part, what is possible but what has eluded him. At the end of the novel Fitzgerald concludes: "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Assignment: Do you believe that we can leave the past behind? In an essay, support your position ...</p>

<p>**The second example is extremely weak as I have not finished the Scarlet Letter yet ... and don't know how it unfolds in the end.</p>

<p>My Essay</p>

<p>Is it possible to leave our past behind? Can we simply forget it, and continue with our lives without it influencing us? No, the past shapes us into who and what we are. It is unlikely, if not impossible, for anyone to be unaffected by personal history and experiences.</p>

<p>In 1947, India finally won its independence after over 200 years of the British Raj. We were finally free, everyone was happy! Well, ALMOST everyone. Unfortunately, this freedom had come at a heavy price: Partition. My grandmother, who was a resident of the Pakistani part of the country - along with what family was left from the resulting massacre - was forced to flee to Delhi, leaving behind EVERYTHING. Friends, property, affluence, she had been robbed of all she had once possessed. And even today, after 61 years, she has been unable (or perhaps unwilling) to make peace with it - and I doubt she ever will. To her, the past is not so easy to overlook.</p>

<p>In Hawthorne's 'The Scarlet Letter', Hester Prynne is tried and found guilty of giving birth to an illegitimate child. Though pressured tremendously to reveal the identity of her lover, she does not. Madly in love, but still abashed of her wrongdoing, Hester resolves to take on the punishment herself. Unlike her, however, the father Arthur Dimmesdale, is too frightened to confess. He endeavors to ignore his responsibility as a parent and duty as a husband. Dimmesdale tries repeatedly to continue with his life normally - but to no avail. As the years past, he loathes himself for his cowardice; the harder he tries to conceal his past, the more impossible it becomes. With every passing moment, his past returns to haunt him with even greater ferocity - until it finally becomes too great to ignore.</p>

<p>By examining these two cases, we may infer that the past cannot just be 'left behind'. As with my grandmother, it is sometimes too painful or too huge to forget ... and as with Arthur Dimmesdale, it is sometimes better to just accept it - even if it is ignominious, before it ruins us forever.</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi again shiomi,</p>

<p>Good job! There’s a marked improvement over the last essay I read from you. I’d rate this essay a 9-10…and it’d be a definite 10 if you changed one word. To answer your questions: good job on the CABE structure, two examples is more than fine, the historical/literary examples were well done, the conclusion was fine (don’t worry too much about conclusions, as long as it’s present and not horrible), you could provide more length but it’s not necessary at all. My usual summary…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Again, really strong introduction. What struck me as especially good was that you made your thesis extremely specific and answered the prompt really well through a definition of “originality” that included innovating upon the ideas of others. Defining words from the prompt is always good, and you utilized that extremely well here. </p>

<p>+Good choice of examples. Bach is one of my favorite composers and Fitzgerald one of my favorite authors; their work was well utilized in supporting your idea of innovation derived from others. The examples were fairly well-developed as well.</p>

<p>Work on:
-Very, very, very important to remember: do NOT overgeneralize. This sentence is a major logical fallacy: “what these critics fail to realize is that all ‘original’ ideas are based off of similar ones.” You provide good examples to show that original ideas can be originally derived from others, but you have no support for saying that ALL original ideas are from others. Change that “all” to “many” and you’ll be fine.</p>

<p>-It seems like you’re approaching a good comfort level with the structure for an SAT essay, so start trying to incorporate more advanced language use. A good strategy is to make a mental list of 10 advanced vocabulary words (that you fully understand the usage and meaning of) and strive to use one or two of them in each of your essays. A few of my personal favorites that are useful in many situations: ameliorate, coalesce, embody. Also throw in a sentence with a semicolon if you’re comfortable with that.</p>

<p>Overall, you did a great job of incorporating my previous advice into your essay writing. The next step is just to grow more comfortable writing through extensive practice and hone all the little details that can grab you points on the SAT.</p>

<p>Hope this helped again,
Richard</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>fiftyeight, Sriacha, and uttaresh:</p>

<p>Classes and clubs have started for me, so I didn't have as much time today as I hoped to. I'm sorry I didn't get to your essays tonight, but check back tomorrow and I will have writeups for your essays!</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[shiomi]

<p>^Thanks a lot steamed! Your advice is excellent as always and has really helped me become increasingly comfortable with the essay. I think I can speak on behalf of all the other people you have helped when I say thank you so much for the time you have put in to provide us with such comprehensive critiques.</p>

[uttaresh]

<p>No problem, you're doing us a big favor with these thorough evaluations. Well worth the wait. ;)</p>

[desperatechaos]

<p>steamedrice, you are a godsend!</p>

<p>I can't wait to have my essay graded by you! Hopefully you'll continue doing this.</p>

[socalsoccerdude]

<p>can we just send the essays through messages to u? i think it will be easier for u.</p>

[uttaresh]

<p>I find that his pointers for other people's essays very helpful. So... forum posts FTW!</p>

[uttaresh]

<p>It's amusing how so many people get hooked by the word "sex" ... Anyway.</p>

<p>
[quote]
When in conflict, academic freedom in US high schools ought to be valued above community standards.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Assignment: Choose one example from personal experience, current events, or history, literature, or any other discipline, and use this example to write an essay in which you agree or disagree with the statement above. Your essay should be specific.</p>

<p>My essay</p>

<p>Last year, our high school was forced to shut down sex education. Though the school board had taken the students' best interests at heart, parents - who believed they knew better - interfered. They did not approve, arguing that discussing sex openly would arouse 'unwanted feelings' in their children.</p>

<p>Well guess what? Those feelings don't need arousing any more. That had already happened the first time the kid saw Pamela Anderson in Baywatch. In today's world of Playboy, Eminem, and internet pornography, it is difficult (if not impossible) to conceal you-know-what from kids. And sex education does not encourage sex, but in fact deters it.</p>

<p>Teenage pregnancies, abortions and STDs are on the rise - and it's not because schools have sex-ed, it's because they DON'T. In anonymous survey, an astonishing 37% of teenage boys did NOT know how to correctly apply a condom. An even larger fraction was incognizant of the injuries through anal sex! Doesn't look so good, does it?</p>

<p>The community needs to ask itself: Does sexual illiteracy reduce sexual intercourse? To do that, you'd be better off confiscating that huge stack of porn under your teen's loose floorboard.</p>

<p>It can thus be inferred that sexual unawareness does not prevent sex, but rather makes it more dangerous. The school board knew this, but rather than place confidence in their carefully-planned decision, the community decided to curb teenagers' freedom and right to information, ultimately leading to even bigger and unmanageable situations.</p>

[MiniatureDrone]

<p>Thank you steamedrice!</p>

<p>Yes, I was rather stumped when a teacher gave out that prompt as to what "better" meant. I tried defining it as "imagination offers better scenarios, an escape if you will, than reality does," but I guess that I never really solidified this in the essay. It not until you commented that I realized how vague I was throughout the essay.</p>

[JunnieNguyen]

<p>I cannot find any proper word to express my thankfulness for your work, steamedrice.
I hope that our essays don't make you overwhelmed :D</p>

<p>
[quote]

** Do people learn who they are only when they are forced into action? **</p>

<p>In most communities, there are always some people who stand out as extraordinary individuals. However, physical strengths, beautiful minds or special talents are insufficient for them to achieve their success; only with specific external conditions can these potential powers reach the highest points and burst into action. This presupposition is substantiated by prodigious examples in literature as well as history.</p>

<p>William Wallace was a Scottish legendary hero, who was famous for his brave heart, chivalrous soul and noticeable discernment. Yet before dedicating his life for Scottish independence, William was a normal person, just wanting to have a stable life with his beloved Murron. Unfortunately, his small dream was shattered when some English soldiers raped his wife and then killed her. This malicious action provoked anger in William; as a result, he rose up and led Scottish people to fight against English king. Though at first his intention was to revenge, William finally discovered that his biggest desire of his life was the absolute freedom for Scottish people.</p>

<p>The second hero came from “The Gadfly” novel of Ethel L. Voynich. In this novel, the protagonist Authur at first was a young innocent fellow until the day he was arrested and accused of being a traitor. After that, Authur experienced a new challenging life with many difficulties, which transmuted him into an acute and resistant man. His sacrificed his life to fight for justice and against the Cardinal, his enemy. Needless to say, the catastrophic accident in his youth impacted strongly in Gadfly’s person and was one of major person for his actions.</p>

<p>Although Isaac Newton did not battle against any visual enemy, he was one of greatest heroes of mankind. The final example is an anecdote in his school time. When he was in primary school, Newton was bullied by his classmate who was not only strong but also academically excellent. Aware of his physically weakness, Newton revenged by studying much harder to win in academic arena, and thanks to this motivation, he found his passion in natural sciences and became a brilliant scientist.</p>

<p>In conclusion, most people possess some distinguishable qualities, but they are usually unaware of their hidden strength until facing a troublesome situation. This notion is not only true for exceptional people but also for seemingly ordinary ones. That’s why we appreciate pressure and failure as much as encouragement and success.</p>

<p>

[/quote]
</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi fiftyeight,</p>

<p>I’d score this essay an 8-9. You’re an amazing writer in many respects, but you still have room to improve as a writer of SAT essays. More details follow…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+The selection of examples is strong. Both dystopian literature and internet scams are highly relevant to the privacy issue. The challenge is to connect these examples to each other and to an overall idea.</p>

<p>+Exceptional language use with varied sentence structures, nice usage of the dash (my personal favorite punctuation mark), and several examples of advanced vocabulary use (dystopian literature, ubiquitous, devaluation). It seems that you’re an avid reader, both from your use of examples and your style of writing. </p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-Don’t use first person. Everything that says “I’ or “my,” cut it out. Leading phrases such as “I believe” or “in my opinion” are out of place in any semi-formal essay. Sentences such as “I will be supporting my stand…” don’t belong. Simply state your opinion; don’t state that you’re stating your opinion.</p>

<ul>
<li>In this essay, it seemed like you were leading the reader through a maze of your logic toward some ending point, interspersed with “I believe” and “this implies.” Although you stated your “stand” in the beginning, it was too broad and you didn’t support it very well. For example, the dystopian literature example seemed to say that privacy was crucial, the opposite of your initial assertion. The second body paragraph was comprised of only your own thoughts and didn’t really connect to the initial statement either.</li>
</ul>

<p>I believe this is the main thing you need to work on: understand what an SAT essay is. It is an argumentative essay; the SAT wants you to form a narrow, specific thesis and support it with examples. You don’t want to support a broad statement “from multiple angles” and through a series of logical implications; you want to support a narrow statement with specific illustrations. </p>

<p>Overall, it seems like you have an exceptional idea of how to write stylistically, but you’re still new to the ideas of how to write an SAT essay. I think the best way to improve would be to take a look at my response to Quix’s essay on the first page of this topic and examine the CABE introduction structure. Write an introduction in that format, with a strong and specific thesis, then use specific examples that directly connect with that thesis.</p>

<p>Let me know if I’m not really clear or if you have any other questions. Hope this helped you!</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi Sriacha, </p>

<p>I’d score this essay a 9. It seems like you have a pretty good idea of what an SAT essay should look like, and the next step is to refine and tune up everything. Here’s a summary of the strengths/weaknesses of the essay:</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Good execution of the fundamental SAT essay formula. You begin with a good introduction of the topic, put forth your thesis, and support your thesis with two strong examples. </p>

<p>+Some strong efforts at advanced language use. I appreciate the inclusion of words such as “baleful.”</p>

<p>+Good selection of examples. Both Eros and the Grapes of Wrath fit very well with the topic.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-Try to balance your essay more. Your first example was well-chosen, but it took a little too long to develop. Make a concerted effort to write in a brief, succinct, to-the-point manner. This will give you more time to develop the rest of the essay.</p>

<p>-Add in transitions between the body paragraphs. One sentence should be enough to smoothen out the flow of your essay and make everything seem more logically organized. For example, “Like Psyche, the Joads – a family from Steinbeck’s “The Grapes of Wrath,” – discovered that perception and reality do not always correspond.”</p>

<p>-Make an effort to increase the level of your language use. Include a few more sophisticated vocabulary words if you have time.

[quote]

A good strategy is to make a mental list of 10 advanced vocabulary words (that you fully understand the usage and meaning of) and strive to use one or two of them in each of your essays. A few of my personal favorites that are useful in many situations: ameliorate, coalesce, embody. Also throw in a sentence with a semicolon if you’re comfortable with that.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I apologize that this review wasn’t as long as some of the others, but nothing strikes me as being particularly wrong about this essay. With few real weaknesses, your goal should be to polish your essay more with transitions, language use, and stronger balance. You should be able to attain a 10 level easily with a bit of refinement and even higher with more practice.</p>

<p>Hope this helped! Post here or PM me if you have any questions about specific aspects.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi uttaresh:</p>

<p>I’d score this essay a strong 10. Much is well done in this essay, and I have only a few minor details to hammer on. See below:</p>

<p>Strengths:
+The examples. Both examples are exceptionally well-chosen and well developed. Though you may not know the ending of The Scarlet Letter, you know enough of the plot to make the suffering of Dimmesdale due to personal history convincing. Both examples clearly showed people with unbreakable ties to the past.</p>

<p>+Strong sentence structure variation and language use in general. Your usage of dashes and writer’s voice, along with vocabulary such as ignominious, gives the impression of sophistication.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-Write succinctly and concisely, cutting out stuff that isn’t crucial to your point. For example, the description of Hester’s love and her insistence on keeping the identity of her lover private doesn’t support your thesis in any way that I can see.
-Make sure you’re not overgeneralizing. You don’t in this essay, but you walk dangerously close to it in the introduction.</p>

<p>-Try not to use words such as “infer.” Infer has a slight connotation of uncertainty; because you are clarifying everything for the reader, the reader shouldn’t need to infer anything. </p>

<p>Personally, I believe that a 10 should be the target of most SAT test takers (the guidelines for scoring a 12 are quite blurry/hazy). In this essay, you’ve reached that target due to your strong, well-developed examples and language use. What remains now is attention to detail, strengthening all the minor cracks in your essay. </p>

<p>Hope this helped! Let me know if there’s anything you’re wondering about.</p>

<p>Richard</p>