Grade my essay out of 6 please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I'm an international student ( few years out of high school), so don't have any where else where I can get my essays graded. Please grade my essay and give me feedback. Would greatly appreciate it. :)</p>

<p>Prompt:</p>

<p>"'Tough challenges reveal our strengths and weaknesses." This statement is certainly true; adversity helps us discover who we are. Hardships can often lead us to examine who we are and to question what is important in life. In fact, people who have experienced seriously adverse events frequently report that they were positively changed by their negative experiences."</p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<p>"Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are?"</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>Yes, adversity does, more often than not, helps a person improve and discover himself. On the other hand, ease , may make one complacent, and can often lead to failures or diminished success.</p>

<p>One example, that immediately comes to mind, is the story of 'The Tortoise and The Hare' , from Aesop's fables. In that story, the hare challenges the tortoise to a race; Supremely confident in its natural advantage in speed over the tortoise. The tortoise accepts the challenge and so the race begins. The hare, with its cocksure confidence, decides to rest in between, seeing that it is way ahead of the turtle. The tortoise on the hand, keeps trudging on. By the time the hare decides to break its rest and resume the race, it finds that the tortoise had already finished the race. We can see from this story that lack of adversity made the hare complacent, and thus it lost out in the end. On the other hand, despite being naturally disadvantaged, the tortoise doggedly keeps pressing on in the race. Ultimately, due to its stolid and determined effort, it prevails.</p>

<p>Some may say that the fable is a rather facile representation of the issue. But we can see many examples in real life that shows the same. Celebrity, talk show host and millionare Oprah Winfrey is one such example. She had a difficult childhood. Her father wasn't around and her mother never took care of her. Her mother was engrossed in her ambition to become an artist. Also, she often hoarded food, and didn't give any to her children. Oprah was also sexually abused by her uncle. She also suffered from dyselexia. Despite all that, she was determined to make something of herself and hence worked hard, and studied well in school. She manged to get into a good college. her horrible experienced had just increased her resolve to succeed, and today we can see the extent of her success.</p>

<p>Thus, we see that adversity can often help us, by making us more resolute, building character , and inspiring us to be tenacious in pursuing our goal. Ease of challenge on the other hand can make us complacent, and thus may often lead to failure.</p>

2

<p>Bump.</p>

3

<p>Don’t begin essays by literally answering the question. You must use proper essay form, as you would in any other essay. Start by outlining your points/examples and build your introduction around them. The first few sentences of your introduction should speak of adversity and the following should narrow the focus until you reach your thesis, in which you will state exactly what your argument is and what your points/examples will be.</p>

<p>Your first example is somewhat relevant, but a bit off point. This does prove that the hare was devoid of adversity (or, more likely, competition) in this story. But we can’t really come to the conclusion that adversity would have necessarily changed the outcome. </p>

<p>In your second example, there are a lot of short sentences that include the word “also”. It’s a bit sloppy. This paragraph would also benefit from emphasis put upon Oprah’s claim that adversity had a large role in her later success as opposed to focusing on the intensity of the adversity.</p>

<p>Otherwise, the general structure is there and, save a few errors, grammar an spelling are good. </p>

<p>4/6</p>

4

<p>Thanks a lot for your feedback Lisa…! :slight_smile: One doubt I have: Will slightly equivocating in the thesis (using phrases like ‘’ more often than not’ / ‘often’ ) hurt my scores. Or is it better to state the thesis like it is the absolute truth?</p>

<p>I’ve written another essay ( Though I hadn’t seen this reply at the time I wrote it, so might have repeated some of the mistakes). Would be really grateful if you or anyone else can take a look and grade it. :smile: </p>

<p>Here it goes:</p>

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.</p>

<p>It is not that people dislike being part of a community; it is just that they care about their individual freedoms more. People value neighborliness and social interaction – until being part of a group requires them to limit their freedom for the larger good of the group. But a community or group cannot function effectively unless people are willing to set aside their personal interests.
Adapted from Warren Johnson, the Future is Not What It Used to Be</p>

<p>Assignment - Does the success of a community—whether it is a class, a team, a family, a nation, or any other group—depend upon people’s willingness to limit their personal interests?</p>

<p>When the individuals in a community work toward the greater good of the community, the community thrives and achieves progress. On the other hand, when individuals in a community are concerned about their personal interests at the expense of the greater good of the community, the community fails.</p>

<p>The latter case is best exemplified by the fall of the ancient Roman Empire. At its zenith, the empire spanned across europe ,almost till today’s russia. Its economic and political might were unrivalled. But a series of circumstances lead to its downfall in 2 and 3 AD. Chief among them was the failure of the Roman Citizens,as well as the administrators, to take responsibility. The Roman Citizens were by this time living a comfortable life, with no immediate threat at their borders. As a result, they disregarded their civic duty of joining the army, and instead hired mercenaries to defend their teroitories. These mercenaries would prove important in Rome’s downfall. They would go on to either betray the empire or easily surrender to the enemy. Another thing that rendered the Roman Empired timorous, was the irresponsible leadership and patrician class. The leaders and patricians enjoyed a life of decadence, ignoring the growing discontentment and disillusionment of the working class people. As a result, when Rome’s enemies came knocking, these people would go on to betray Rome from within, bringing its downfall.</p>

<p>Mohammed Ali, also coming from a working class background, though from another era, is often known for his feats inside a boxing ring. His in ring prowess is only eclipssed by his immense contribution to American society’s progress. He played an important role in the civil rights movement, often at the cost of personal loss. Once when he was drafted into the millitary during the vietnam war, he refused, as a sing of defiance against what he described as ’ white man’s war’. He was imprisoned for that. This and many other such instances, affected his boxing carrer adversely. Despite that he kept fighting for the good of the community.</p>

<h2>Thus we see that when people callously ignore a community’s need, the community fails. Personal sacrifice on the other hand helps in the progress of the community.</h2>

<p>One more doubt that I have:</p>

<p>Is it alright to just write about one example justifying the thesis, if that particular example is explored in more detail? In this one I could have written a bit more about the fall of Rome, although the point would have been sort of the same ( Individuals forsaking responsibility towards the roman empire in favor of personal comfort/wealth) . Writing about Mohammed Ali, I started running out of time and space and so couldn’t really explore that example properly/correctly.</p>

<p>Once again thanks for taking time to go through this :slight_smile: </p>

5

<p>Bump.</p>

6

<p>the first essay is very nice … but the point about ur intro should be taken into consideration … i think this essay is a 10</p>

7

<p>on the second essay … i really didnt like ur second example and u admit that u ran out of time … anyway overall i think this essay is a 9</p>

8

<p>Thanks…! :slight_smile: If possible please comment on this essay too:</p>

<p>Essay Prompt
Think carefully about the information presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.Many people believe that “closed doors make us creative.” These people argue that obstacles and restrictions are necessary, for without them we would never be forced to come up with new solutions. But “closed doors,” either in the form of specific obstacles or a lack of opportunities, often prevent people from reaching their full creative potential.</p>

<p>Assignment:
Do closed doors make us creative? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Response:</p>

<p>“When one door closes, another on opens”. This is a very famous quote by Hellen Keller on the nature of happines and oppurtunity. It is a very apt quote, and I believe, it is in the pursuit of these other ‘open doors’ o oppurtunity that people have the best chance and room to be creative, for obstacles in your path can only be surmounted by diligence, improvisation and innovation. Thus these obstacles become the facilitators for creative thinking. </p>

<p>One person who faced immense obstacles in his pursuit of a better life and education was Fredrick Douglas. In fact, to say that, would be an understatement, as being born a slave it was illegal for him to get educated or do anything other than his master’s commands; However Douglas would not let this deter him. He sought creative ways to teach himself by observing what the white children were being taught. He would have to do that furtively, and would often find creative excuses to make sure he remained nearby while other children were being taught. Later, when he manages to escape and become free, his difficulty in getting himself would prove beneficial, as he having to work extra hard mean he become that much better. Infact, he would go on to become one of the eloquent writers of his time and prove instrumental in dispelling false notions about african people’s intellect. Thus, we see despite the dire difficulties he faced, he managed to overcome by creative means and in the become better than what he would have become otherwise. </p>

<p>Charles Darwin, is another individual who manged to turn the ‘stones’ thrown at him by life into ‘milestones’ . Darwin is best know for his promethean ‘Theory of Evolution’ and is often regarded as the progenator of mordern biology. What is not known as well is the fact that he was able to achieve all these because of the oppurtunity provided by a failure of his. His father was a doctor, and Darwin also had enrolled for his medical studies; However, lacking interest, he failed various courses and found it difficult to continue. This would allow Darwin the oppurtunity to drop medicine and travel the world. Its his observations during this travel of people and their adaptability that form the basis of his seminal theories. </p>

<p>Thus, closed doors only act as a catalyst for those who are innovative. </p>

9

<p>Ok … i really liked this essay a lot … i think it takes 11 … however i need to make a point … ur conclusion can be better by making it at least 2 sentences long and by briefly recapping ur examples … i guess u ran out of time and i see it is predictable cuz ur 2 examples are very well developed … but still do ur best to polish ur conclusion </p>

10

<p>Wow…11…? Thanks…! :slight_smile: I was thinking this was one of my poorer essays, as I felt I didn’t really explain what Douglas did that was ‘creative’ . Anyways thanks…!</p>

11

<p>well u stated that he managed to escape and became free … which is enough … however adding that he also self-educated himself would make it perfect. …i know u mentioned the point briefly that he stuck to children who were being taught … but stating it clearly that he self-educated himself would really finalize ur idea </p>

12

<p>Okay…! Thanks…! If possible please grade this essay too. I am trying get as much essay practice as possible before my test on October 11th.</p>

<p>Essay Prompt
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.People who like to think of themselves as tough-minded and realistic tend to take it for granted that human nature is “selfish” and that life is a struggle in which only the fittest may survive. According to this view, the basic law by which people must live is the law of the jungle. The “fittest” are those people who can bring to the struggle superior force, superior cunning, and superior ruthlessness.Adapted from S.I. Hayakawa, Language in Thought and Action </p>

<p>Assignment:
Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Response:</p>

<p>Competition is the catalyst that facilitates progress and innovation in society. In fact, competition is the key driving force behind most modern economies. Without competition complacency and stagnation sets. It is competition that ensures people remain steadfast int their goals and adapt to the situations. Thus competition forces people to keep improving themselves and thus ultimately facilitates sucess in their goals. </p>

<p>One person who embodies such competetive spirit is Billie Jean King, the champion Tennis player and vanguard feminist and gay rights activist. Through out her career, she let her fierce competitive spirit fuel her voracious desire for perfection. Her competitive spirit wouldn’t just be sated by being the top women’s tennis player; She wanted to prove herself to be the undisputed best and would challenge the top ranked men’s player. In a much publicized match, dubbed “The battle of the sexes”, she would take him on and beat him. This was the first time a top women’s athlete had beaten a men’s athlete of the same sport; This moment prove pivotal in achieving equality for women in sports. Such societal progress was only possible because of Jean King’s fierce competitive spirit and desire to be the best. </p>

<p>I’ve seen competitive spirit prove fruitful on a personal level too. Till 11th grade, I had focussed solely on my studies. Same, with whom I had always competed to get 1st rank in our school, was also the same; However, at the start of 12th grade, he started participating in a myriad of extra curicullar activities. Not wanting to be ‘second best’ to him, I also felt forced to take part in extra curicullars. Till that time I had never thought myself capable of juggling both academics and extracurricular. But the desire to best Sam, somehow inspired me enough to come up with creative ways to manage my schedule. Whats more, I found that I am a rather talented violin player, a skill which I am working now to get adept at. Even though I came out second to Sam ( as far as ECs are concerned) at the end of grade 12, I found that I had improved myself greatly and made my chances for college better. </p>

<p>Thus, competition does indeed facilitate the best situations for sucess.</p>

13

<p>10 … i really like it …very well developed … but try to go for 3 examples if u can am I just assuming or R U using the academic hacker way ?? … i am too taking the October 11 test … good luck </p>

14

<p>Thanks…! :slight_smile: and good luck to you too…! I think its better I stick with at most 2 examples as I find it hard enough as it is to fit it within 2 pages (assuming that is the number of pages allotted for the essay in the actual test ) and within the time.I’m not sure of the academic hacker; I just read a bunch of how to’s for SAT essay( maybe including academic hacker) and the style/format just evolved into what I’m using now .</p>