steamedrice's Essay Scoring/Help Thread

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi python38,</p>

<p>I would score this an 8. This is a solid essay with a few specific areas to address. Full explanation below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Something that really stood to me was how you narrowed down a much broader topic (the necessity of creativity in this world) to a smaller, more manageable, and focused argument about creative activities that initially appear insignificant but eventually lead to great results. Strive to achieve this every time.</p>

<p>+Solid effort at advanced language use. The sentence structures here are well done and fairly varied, and some decent vocabulary words (indispensible, bastion) were effective.</p>

<p>+Good diversity of examples in this essay. You take your support from classic history in the form of Cold War, scientific history in the form of CERN, and from your own life. </p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-The biggest problem with your essay is the lack of depth in examples. It seems like you’re almost skimming through your examples, not taking the time to fully develop any individual one. Put specific details into your body paragraphs. The deeper the level of knowledge you display, the stronger your essay appears.</p>

<p>-It may actually help you to start with two examples instead of three, and pre-research some examples you can use. This will help you support each example in greater depth. Continual practice will also allow you to write more and go deeper.</p>

<p>-Include transitions between your paragraphs so it doesn’t seem like a laundry list. I’d suggest reading over the SAT essay guide or watching the video at ■■■■■■■■ (the link is in the original post). Focus on the TILT section.</p>

<p>Overall, your level of writing is very solid. I don’t believe that you necessarily need to learn more examples to use; instead, you should focus on learning how to use examples more effectively by going into deeper detail. Address this issue, and consistent double digit scores will be no problem.</p>

<p>Thanks for letting me read your essay! Let me know if I can help you further in any way. :)</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[iLeaf]

<p>Hi,stramedrice
This is a revised version of my essay…Plz omit the upper(#19) one,thanks!</p>

<p>Prompt: It is important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority. (06.10)</p>

<p>Authority can’t be valid permanently, and blindly believing the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority may plant false belief in our mind. Although following the authority can sometimes be expedient when facing a dilemma, we indeed need to question It has always been the case in the past and it will always be the case in the future authority, to break through the shackles and to build a new sky for creativity. Examples from Jack Welch and Thomas Paine can properly prove that.</p>

<p>One great example comes from Jack Welch, CEO of General Electric(GE), who challenged the inveterate corporate culture and embarked on his renovations through the 1980s. By cutting the prevalently used lackluster old-line units and dismantling unnecessary parts, most of which were using by other competitive companies at that time, Welch eradicated inefficiency and paved the way for future development of GE. Welch also streamlined his company, motivated his staff, and expanded the broadness of the stock option from just top executives. With these strategies which gained encomium, he successfully increased the recorded revenues of his company from $26.8 billion to $130 billion, thereafter his policies are now widely adopted by many CEOs cross the America, and even throughout the world. Welch is a fascinating businessman to analyze because he underwent many adversities when questioning authority and finally, turned a dying company to one of the world’s leading enterprises. Only by challenging the ideas and decisions of authority could he achieve his goal, and we can always find a sense of creativity in his GE legend.</p>

<p>Another persuasive example pertains to Thomas Paine, a British revolutionary who challenged the colonial ruling and urged the colonists to build a democratic society. At the beginning of the American Revolution, the American colonies were, with deep misgivings and hesitancy, moving toward independence. Few people favored complete independence, while Loyalists, who firmly believed in conservative thoughts, were powerful. However, dismissing monarchy, Thomas Paine, an early advocate of republicanism and liberalism, published his ideas bravely in Common Sense in 1776. The book was outspoken, touch</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi iLeaf,</p>

<p>I would score this essay a 9. You show a very impressive depth of knowledge and level of detail here, and addressing a few minor issues should easily bring your score to 10+. Did you write this essay within the 25 minute limit? If so, that is quite amazing; if not, your knowledge is still quite extraordinary. More below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Your overall structure is very solid. Your introduction does a great job of introducing your position, your body paragraphs are both extremely well developed, and your conclusion caps everything off nicely. </p>

<p>+As I’ve mentioned already, there’s an astounding amount of detail in the body paragraphs. I really enjoyed how fully you developed the stories of both Thomas Paine and Jack Welch, with specific details and statistics.</p>

<p>+Good efforts at advanced language use. Your use of words such as “enterprise,” “encomium,” and “emancipate” raised the overall level of writing in this essay significantly. </p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-The biggest problem I saw with this essay is a lack of focus in the second paragraph (the one about Jack Welch). Remember the prompt and your argument: challenging authority leads to great success. It’s not very clear at all how exactly Welch “undergoes adversities while challenging authority.” </p>

<p>-Remember the ■■■■■■■■ golden rule: specific, detailed, relevant. The first two you address very well, but make sure that the specific details you include are relevant to your argument. As mentioned earlier, make it clear how Welch was successful in spite of authority, not just that he was successful.</p>

<p>-There are some language use issues here regarding proper use of vocabulary and grammar. I saw that in your other topic, someone posted a very detailed breakdown of your mistakes–so I won’t repeat them. Just make sure to write within your means and proofread if you have time.</p>

<p>Overall, you put forth a commendable effort in this essay. Focus on addressing the prompt at all times in accordance with the golden rule, and keep the language errors under control. I’m confident that you will be able to improve to double digit level very quickly.</p>

<p>Hope this helped! Thank you for letting me read your essay, and shoot me a message if you have any question.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[LilacTree]

<p>This is a great thread. This is a practice ACT essay…so it’s totally fine if you can’t/don’t want to grade it, but if you do, thanks so much.</p>

<p>Prompt:
“In recent years, many schools have adopted a ‘Great Books’-based curriculum. These schools require students to study certain designated classic books of Western civilization, arguing the familiarity with these ‘Great Books’ is essential to education. However, opponents of this curriculum argue that forcing teachers and students to use only the ‘Great Books’, most of which are written by white, European authors, results in a biased view on the world. In your opinion, should schools adopt a ‘Great Books’-based curriculum?”</p>

<p>Essay:
In the 15th century, Christopher Columbus officially disproved the long-standing idea that Europe was the center - the heart, essentially, of a flat world. Unfortunately, it seems that some are trying to instill this ethnocentric view of the world into our education system. To drown out the perspectives and voices of the 80% of the world that is not of European descent is to raise culturally ignorant students.</p>

<p>Some may argue that these Euro-centric ‘Great Books’ are important in understanding our current Western civilization. They argue that the forefathers of American came from these European countries, even that there is a certain sophistication in knowing their philosophies and their histories. What these proponents of ‘Great Books’ are missing is the bigger picture. The soul of America today is its multicultural identity. The values and worldviews of the “other 80%” are represented by many of our citizens.</p>

<p>Take, for example, Anne Fadiman’s ethnography, ‘The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down’, a look at how the values and traditions of Hmong immigrants clashed with the Western medical system. The Hmong’s holistic view of the world made no distinction among the realms of the physical, mental, psychological, and spiritual - a contrast to the Western doctors who clearly separated them. Their lack of understanding complicated their treatment of a young Hmong child, as did their rigid Western desire to try to control as much as possible, while the Hmong believed that much was left up to elusive spirits. The Hmong were also a communal society, at odds with a legal system that favored individualism.</p>

<p>The Hmong are just one group in an endless spectrum of voices that make up human civilization. To ignore all these voices by focusing primarily on European authors not only robs students of knowledge of the rich diversity of the world, but it sets them at a disadvantage in today’s globalized society, where we can no long pretend the Earth is flat.</p>

[IlMauriuolo]

<p>This is my March SAT essay. I’m an international student, but I’ve been in an exchange program in the US since last September.
Thank you very much</p>

<p>Prompt: Does being ethical make it hard to be succesful?</p>

<p>In today’s world being ethical has so many differenta spects that is really hard for a person to understand what it actually means. The basic definition of being ethical is to always do what is right. Anyway, most of the times is the single person who decides what is right and what is wrong, and for this reason the concept of being ethical is full of contraddiction. However in the modern society there are several rules that most of the people consider acceptable. Despite the acceptance of these rule as a model for the everyday life behavior, in many occasion individuals cannot resist to the temptation of breaking these rule to achieve an advantage on other people.
In sport for example, it’s really hard to succeed being an ethical person. In some contact sports like soccer sometimes you are forced to physically hurt your opponent in order to prevent him from scoring. Is that ethical? We can find an example in cyclism as well, since in the last years many athlets who race in this discipline have been found positive to anti-doping controls. The actions of these dishonest and unethical people make other athlets do the same thing because is the only way to have a change of winning something at that sport.
There are also some professions in which being ethical makes it really hard to be successful. The best example are lawyers especially those specialized in defending criminals in trials. How could they be considered ethical people when they take the stage to defend murderers, rapists and pedophiles? In some cases they defend criminals who have all the evidence against them, but they still try to find every little technical error in order to let the criminal free. In the famous cas of O. J. Simpson, a mistake by a forensic expert in handling some evidence was used by the defendant’s lawyers to convince the jury to vote in favor of their client. A minor technicality allowed a criminal be free and walk the street as a honest citizen. Is this ethical?
Being ethical is hard in the modern society. Always more and more people gian advantage in their life and professions by breaking ethic principles and doing what is more convenient for themselves. This is why the honest people in this world are having a hard time and they are reaching a point in their life when they have to make a choiche: keep being honest, but unsuccesful, or switch to the dark side of the force and reach an unmerited succes.</p>

[chewingboba]

<p>Hello, please review my SAT essay. Your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated!</p>

<p>Prompt: Is the world changing for the better?
*Disclaimer: My paragraph on the economy was sort of improvised and may not accurately depict that actual present economic situation. </p>

<p>Most of the optimistic individuals in our society believe that the world has gradually become a better place to live. However, they are overconfident because in reality, the world has actually taken a turn for the worse. The declining society is due to faulty new idealism which have been implemented. The prosperity of ordinary citizens has taken drastic hits as time progresses. The rise of a communist society and a failing economy clearly depict the slumping condition of human life. </p>

<p>In George Orwell’s renowned novel, Animal Farm, the establishment of communism had tremendously negative impacts on the animal’s lives at the farm. Napoleon, a pig who is the leader of the animals, collectivized nearly all aspects of society. For example, the hens used to able to do whatever they choosed to do with their new eggs. However, during the period of communism, Napoleon and the other pigs, who are in charge, repossessed the eggs from the eggs and sold them to benefit the government. Aditionally, communism slowed down the development of the society because it caused the farm to be isolated from nearby farms without a communist society. With isolation, the farm will not absorb new foreign ideas and there technology will become limited. These two examples show that life on Animal Farm has suffered because the hens now have no freedom over their property and the animals do not get to enjoy an enhanced lifestyle because of a lack of improving technology. Communism, a new concept to the animals, failed to create an improved society. </p>

<p>In current events, the failing economy is similar to the misfortunes of communism because they both failed due to poor leadership and planning. In today’s society, the declining economy has proven to be devastating to many people’s lives. Some factors include the falling stocks in the stock market. People’s investments have severely declined in value, meaning that they have spent money on something and gained nearly nothing in return, wasting large amounts of essential cash. On a related topic, when businesses start to lose money, they raise prices to their customers to recuperate their losses. This causes the price to live to increase. These reasons indicate that our society has not improved for the better. Common individuals are not as prosperous because they have lost large amounts of wealth and the products they need to purchase has increases, causing a greater strain on their finances. Previously, the economic situation was not this severe.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, as our society moves forward, the lives of most people has not improved. In many countries, the communist government fail to provide their people the wealth and prosperity as in capitalist countries, an idea that emerged far sooner than communism. Also, the declining economy now has dropped to levels not observed since before the start of the millennium.</p>

<p>Thank You!</p>

[python38]

<p>Thanks man :). I’ll read over the SAT essay guide ASAP. I think this is the part of the SAT on which I need to concentrate the most, to be honest.</p>

<p>I say, do you mark more than one essay per person? I actually did a test paper from the Blue Book yesterday - and then came here today and read your advice, lol. At least I can apply it next time I do an essay… Anyway, here’s my second essay if you’d be kind enough to mark it, and you have my thanks in advance :):</p>

<p>Prompt:</p>

<p>“To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.”</p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<p>“What motivates people to change?”</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>"The motivation to change can just as often come from the outside as from the inside. Sometimes, personal hopes and dreams are not enough to compel us to alter what we are. Sometimes, just wanting to change is not enough. Sometimes, our circumstances and the people around us will force us to adjust in order to cope better.</p>

<p>For example, in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Gollum was once a peaceful character. By chance, he and his friend Deagol happen upon the One Ring, which tempts Gollum into killing his friend. Afterwards, the rest of Gollum’s tribe shun him, which leads to him turning evil and bitter. If Gollum and his friend hadn’t accidentally found the Ring, he would never have devolved.</p>

<p>In Harry Potter, the character Snape is a traitor who reveals the hidden location of his childhood friend Lily, and her husband and son, to their enemy Lord Voldemort, hoping that Voldemort will spare Lily. However, when Snape realizes that Voldemort intends to kill them all, he immediately repents, begins to help Dumbledore, Voldemort’s enemy, and does his best to keep Lily and her family safe. If Voldemort hadn’t decided to kill Lily as well as her husband and son, Snape wouldn’t have changed for the better; he ends up being loyal to Dumbledore till he is slain by Voldemort.</p>

<p>In short, we can often only change when the world around us requires that we do so; sometimes, we change not directly due to our own actions, but the whims and decisions of others. We can even change due to chance events. But we do not always change only due to our own thoughts and actions. No man is an island."</p>

[iLeaf]

<p>Thanks, s~
This is another essay i’ve written today, and could u plz point out what are the drawbacks?</p>

<p>Prompt: Modern advancements do not truly improved the quality of people’s lives.(07.6)</p>

<p>Many people assume that the developments of economy and advancements of modern technology facilitate the quality of people’s lives, and yet it is probably untrue. Though we may take great advantage of modern advancements, we can also feel the deep impact on the global temperature’s warming, our lifestyles’ corrupting and economic inequity’s widening, which is exerted by the industrialization.</p>

<p>Modern advancements result in appalling Global Warming. According to Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), the average global surface temperature will likely rise a further 1.1 to 6.4 °C during the twenty-first century. Increasing global temperature is expected to cause an increase in the intensity of extreme weather events, a decline in agricultural yields, mass species extinctions, and significant changes to the amount and pattern of precipitation, which likely to lead to an expanse of tropical areas and increased pace of desertification. Though the invention of trains, planes and cars ushers in a new industrializing era, the overabundant using of burning fossil fuels will ultimately strike our human society.</p>

<p>Modern advancements cause terrifying corrupting social affairs in many aspects. On one hand, the invention of television changes our lifestyles hugely, but it is television that deprives us of our opportunities and interests to press close to the nature. We may enjoy the verisimilitude view of Rocky Mountains in a large-scale screen, but we lost the primitive beauty of nature in a concrete forest; on the other hand, the development of economy leads to growing economic inequity. In 2004, the number of millionaire household in America increased by 14% as the number of people living below the poverty line rose to about 37 million, including 15 million children. The annual budget passed by Congress in 2005 severely cut programs essential to struggling families, including child assistance and Medicaid funding for the poor. Left in such desperate condition, the poor could hardly appreciate these advancements. </p>

<p>By examining the global temperature’s warming, our lifestyles’ corrupting and economic inequity’s widening, one can draw the conclusion that having the technology advancements in our society tend to violate our social rules and living styles. Have we burned less fuels, we would possess a more animated world. If we confine the usage of electronics equipments, we would gain more opportunities to press close to nature. Without the driving force of financial profit, we would see a more harmonious world without suffering hunger and discrimination. In fact modern advancements didn’t improve the quality of people’s life.</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi lilactree,</p>

<p>I’m afraid I’m not familiar with the nuances of ACT essay grading, so I won’t be able to give you an accurate number score. However, I believe this essay would be scored a 10 (again, take this number with caution). More detail below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+The introduction is written well. The use of Christopher Columbus to present the “counterpoint” shows a powerful grasp of language, and the overall argument is made with clarity. The link in the conclusion is also nice.</p>

<ul>
<li>The story of the Hmong immigrants within Anne Fadiman’s ethnography is an excellent, excellent example. Because it’s not a common example, you display special knowledge and the graders will find your essay more interesting. The paragraph is also well developed and connected.</li>
</ul>

<p>+Some good words used here (“holistic” and “multicultural”). The term “ethnocentric” to describe the “Great Books” view is especially nice since it provides further support for your own argument.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-The main problem I see here is the second paragraph, which is essentially redundant. Instead of moving forward to support the points you made in your nice introduction, it simply repeats many of those ideas. This could be condensed into 1-2 sentences and combined with the first paragraph.</p>

<p>-This is somewhat related to the first point. I really felt like this prompt specifically needed more than one supporting example. I thought of it this way: if your point is that human civilization incorporates an “endless spectrum of voices,” shouldn’t you describe at least more than one of those voices? Otherwise, I’m not entirely convinced how “endless” that spectrum is. Eliminating redundancies will give you time to further support your main point.</p>

<p>-Although the vocabulary use was strong, you could look into throwing in just 2-3 more advanced words into your essay to reach the perfect level. Take a look at the [target</a> words technique](<a href=“http://■■■■■■■■■■■■/w/essay/further-steps"]target”>http://■■■■■■■■■■■■/w/essay/further-steps) if you haven’t already. </p>

<p>Overall, I was impressed by the level of sophistication in your argument and your level of writing. I would suggest drawing stronger support for your argument by utilizing more examples or (for a different prompt) going deeper into one example.</p>

<p>Hope this helped! Thank you for letting me read your essay, and feel free to post or PM me with any questions. :)</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi IlMauriolo,</p>

<p>I would score this essay an 8. More details below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+You show good knowledge throughout the essay. The use of ethical problems in cycling is important and highly relevant to the topic. The detail about the OJ Simpson trial was good as well.</p>

<p>+You have a solid foundation and a clear structure. You provide an effective introduction, two examples, and a conclusion.</p>

<p>+Some good ideas: pointing out the inherent contradictions in ethics, for example, shows a deeper level of thought.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-Your example paragraphs need to be more focused. Choose two specific examples before you start your essay and focus solely on developing those two examples. Don’t talk about soccer then cycling, or talk about lawyers in general then the OJ Simpson case. Go deep into the cycling and the OJ Simpson stories without wasting time on other stuff.</p>

<p>-Try to limit the use of rhetorical questions. One or two can add to an essay, but excessive use of them seems unsophisticated.</p>

<p>-There are some language issues here with diction and grammar. These should mostly resolve themselves as you read and write in English more, but go back through your essay and see if you can catch some.</p>

<p>Overall, you have a solid start to essay writing here. I would recommend that you look over the ■■■■■■■■ essay guide in the original post, especially the plan section. Focus your argument and thoughts much more with specific supporting examples.</p>

<p>Hope this helped! Let me know if you have any questions or concerns.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi chewingboba,</p>

<p>I would score this essay a sold 10 to low 11. I was impressed by the strength of your writing and organization and very glad that you read the ■■■■■■■■ guide. :)</p>

<p>Strengths:
+As mentioned earlier, the organization and structure were very strong. The CABE structure of the introduction was very effective, and the conclusion provided a nice recap.</p>

<p>+Well-done on the links in the body paragraphs. You explicitly and directly connected your supporting evidence to your overall argument.</p>

<p>+Very good focus in your argument. You looked specifically at the welfare of ordinary citizens in your introduction and both of your examples.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-This is a somewhat minor issue, but this specific prompt seemed to ask for more current events-based examples, so the 1 historical 1 literary structure may not have been the best choice. This shouldn’t be a problem with the vast majority of prompts though.</p>

<p>-I’d like to see an even deeper level of detail in your example paragraphs. Don’t say something like this: “On a related topic, when businesses start to lose money, they raise prices to their customers to recuperate their losses. This causes the price to live to increase.” Say something like: “The financial troubles of Whole Food Market have forced the company to raise prices to recuperate the losses–a trend mirrored by other businesses. These increases have made the standard of living costlier.” Specific, specific.</p>

<p>-Consider using the target words technique to raise the level of language use in your writing. Take a look at the “Further Steps” section of the ■■■■■■■■ guide.</p>

<p>Overall, this is a very strong essay. You definitely have all the fundamentals down. From here, try to improve the level of language use in your essay and always be as specific as possible. You can also start considering incorporating a counterexample and striving for a 12 score.</p>

<p>Hope this helped! Let me know if you have concerns or questions, and thanks for the essay. :)</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[IlMauriuolo]

<p>Thank you very much for your help so far. I’ve found some grammatical error (probably due to the stress of the test day). Other than that, does the structure of the sentences work well? Sometimes I feel like something isn’t right or maybe that I’m just translating from my home language without changing the structure, even if most of the time I don’t do this mental translation when the structure is clear or simple enough to me.
I read the article on ■■■■■■■■; I don’t really have any problem about finding examples from history, since I’ve been studying world history for at least 10 years, but I have some problem with literature. I’ve read many books throughout my life but not many classic books. Some examples of what I read are: the lord of the rings, all the “harry potter”, the inferno by Dante. On the other hand I think I have a knoweledge and understanding of philosophy that is above the American average, since I’ve been seriously studying the subject, so far from Talete to Aristotle, in my 11th grade. Would it be appreciate examples from philosophy instead of literature, or even a whole philosophical debate instead of the two examples? I’ve read the Republic by Plato and from that book it’s probably possible to get an example for every prompt (the book is, basically, about an utopic communism, quite different from the modern ideal of it).
Anyway could you suggest me some book, possibly from the English/American literature that can provide examples for most of the prompt, but that are still enjoyable and meaningful?
Thank you again.</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>IlMaruiuolo:</p>

<p>You shouldn’t feel pressured to use a literary example. Two historical examples are great if that’s what you feel comfortable with. Examples from philosophy are just as good as well.</p>

<p>The structure of the sentences is fine for the most part; I don’t think that it is a major problem. As you said, it’s most likely just due to stress of writing fast.</p>

<p>As for suggesting books, like I said, don’t worry about it! It would be more effective just to focus on historical examples for you. Always adjust other people’s advice to your own strengths.</p>

<p>Hope this answered your questions! Let me know if there’s anything else.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

<p>PS I put in a suggestion to ■■■■■■■■ through their contact form to change their 1 literary, 1 historical example rule since it is a bit misleading. They’ve been pretty responsive in the past, so hopefully they will listen.</p>

[soulostar]

<p>Thank you so much steamedrice!!</p>

<p>I love your advice and the ■■■■■■■■ guide helped me improve a lot.</p>

[Aptenodytes]

<p>Is it sometimes necessary to be impolite? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>It is necessary to be impolite in order to achieve a specific goal. This is evidenced in various novels and movies of today.
For example, in the novel The Scarlet Letter written by Romantic Author Nathaniel Hawthorne, the main character, Hester Prynne, must go to her city’s mayor and reverend in order to keep custody of her daughter, Pearl. The mayor believes that Hester is an unfit parent because she does not conform to the rules and restrictions of her Puritan society, and so she has to argue and persuade him by negotiating with the Reverend, Arthur Dimmesdale. Although she made rude and impolite statements, Hester was able to persuade Dimmesdale and the mayor to allow her to keep custody of Pearl. If she remained passive, however, she would have lost custody of her daughter, and would have lived a life of misery. Thus, impoliteness allowed her to attain her goal of keeping her daughter.
In addition, in the novel The Kite Runner by author Khaled Hoesinni, impoliteness is needed in order to find a specific person that was in danger. Amir, the main character, needed to find Sohrab, the son of his former friend Hassan. However, after the rise of terrorist groups in the country of Afghanistan, Assef, on of the major political terrorist leaders, had boughtSohrab froma poor orphanage in the city. But when Amir arrived at the orphanage, the owner was reluctant to give out any information of the terrorist regime that ruled the area.In order for Amir to receive the information, he had to threaten and yell at him. Only then would the orphanage owner lead him to Sohrab, and therefore, indirectly saving the orphan’s life.
Lastly, the movie The Wrestler also shows why it is necessary to be impolite. The main character, Robin Ramzinski, wanted to repair a damaged relationship with his daughter, Stephanie. However, she had shunned him out of her life, and refused to speak with him. In order for Robin to finally repair the relationship, he has to go to her house, uninvited, to talk with her. Although they argued for a long period of time, they finally mended the relationshiop. Therefore, impoliteness, indeed, is sometimes necessary to achieve a goal.</p>

<p>I got an 11, but I think I deserved lower…</p>

[cupnoodles]

<p>Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<p>Although technological changes often make life more convenient and painless, change can often bring unwelcomed consequences. New innovations often make life vapid. The advent of communicative devices such as the cell phone and the internet, while making communication significantly easier, has led to the demise of face-to-face, personal contact. The momentous development of the assembly line and mass-production in the early 20th century has greatly transformed Western society, albeit at the expense of individualism. Pollution and resource exploitation, a result of the Industrial Revolution, threaten the very Earth itself.</p>

<p>In today’s modern world, personal contacts are a relic from the past. New devices—cellular phones and computers—have transformed Western society. Making “friends” and new contacts is now as simple as logging on to “Facebook.com”. However, life is now even emptier than ever before. Society is losing the personal touch. People’s social skills will surely decline because of this new technological change.</p>

<p>Henry Ford’s assembly line has transformed Western life profoundly. With the assembly line and new means of mass-production, goods could be produced faster and cheaper. Western society, however, has mutated into a conformist, “zombie”-like mass-culture. Mass consumerism has overtaken society. Products such as iPods and televisions are easier to obtain yet culture has taken a direct hit. “American individualism”, so empathized by FDR, has died, making room for “got-to-have-it-nowism” and apathy.</p>

<p>Change as also had a negative effect on the environment. The Industrial Revolution furthered the development of many conveniences society has today. Even so, new issues such as global warming, a result of the Industrial Revolution, threaten the very Earth. Pollution has damaged our natural heritage. Life might be easier because of the change bought on by the steam engine, but it is truly not better. </p>

<p>Change often brings detrimental consequences even if it makes live better. As shown by all three examples, change often has negative consequences.</p>

<p>Note: This is my first practice essay after the “7” in January. I ran out of time during the conclusion.</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi python38,</p>

<p>I am more than willing to score more than one essay per person! However, I would prefer that you take the time to incorporate the advice I last gave you before reading another one of your essays. Otherwise, it seems slightly unnecessary. I hope you understand!</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[python38]

<p>OK, I’ll incorporate your advice on the next essay I do (I’m doing a practise test again this Saturday).</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi again iLeaf,</p>

<p>I would score this essay a high 9 or a 10. I see a definite improvement from the last essay you posted.</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Again, nice detail on the examples. Your use of statistics and incorporation of very specific evidence is impressive. Just make sure you’ll be able to do that under the pressure of a time limit.</p>

<p>+Solid structure once more. You put forth a clear argument and support it throughout your essay, and your conclusion works well as a reinforcement of that point.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-Make sure that the development in each of your body paragraphs happens logically. Especially in your first body paragraph, you should make it clear from the very beginning how modern advancements have contributed to global warming–instead of just citing statistics that show global warming has occurred. Keep it relevant.</p>

<p>-Make your second body paragraph more focused. Don’t talk about nature then about economic inequity. Pick one specific topic and focus on it.</p>

<p>-There are still quite a few language errors. Don’t use words that you don’t understand; for example, “verisimilitude” is a noun and cannot modify “view.”</p>

<p>Overall, you’re showing promising progress. Make sure to keep your writing tight and focused on the point. Write within your means; don’t force advanced language into your essay, and check your grammar carefully.</p>

<p>Hope my advice continues to help you! </p>

<p>Richard</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi aptenodytes,</p>

<p>I personally would score this essay a 10, but of course there’s an element of randomness and subjectivity in SAT essay grading. Here’s my rationale…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Your examples are nicely chosen and show a diversity of knowledge. You bring in evidence from classic literature, more modern literature, and cinema. All three examples were very relevant to the prompt.</p>

<p>+The body paragraphs are well-developed and (particularly) well-connected to the argument. In each paragraph, you made it explicitly clear how and why that example supported your position on the prompt.</p>

<p>+Good level of detail in the examples. The story of each example was fully fleshed out with specific evidence.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-The introduction and conclusion are somewhat lacking. While this is not a major issue, most graders do prefer for you to provide some beginning and closing to your essays. Check the links in my original post for easy ways to write both.</p>

<p>-I would like to see transitions at the start of the second and third body paragraphs. Currently the essay seems almost like a “laundry list” of examples (first, this. second, that. third, that). Transitions will help smoothen out the flow of your essay.</p>

<p>-You seem to repeat certain sentence structures very often (sentences starting with “although” and “however” especially). This, again, is not a huge deal for the SAT, but it’s something to watch for in your writing in general.</p>

<p>Overall, the level of development and the relevance of the examples make this a strong essay. A little work with the CABE structure and addition of transitions should smoothen and balance out your essay, pushing your writing to the next level.</p>

<p>Hope this helped! Let me know if I was unclear or if you have any questions. </p>

<p>Richard</p>