steamedrice's Essay Scoring/Help Thread

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Hi cupnoodles,</p>

<p>I’d score this essay a 9 or a high 8. You write well; mainly, you just need to reprioritize your time and reorganize your essays. Also, don’t worry about the conclusion; it’s not important at all. What you wrote for a conclusion is enough. More explanation below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Strong, well-chosen examples. All three examples were very relevant to your argument that change can have a negative effect on society. </p>

<p>+Some interesting details provide solid evidence to support your overall point. I appreciated the references to the Industrial revolution, the assembly line, and Facebook.</p>

<p>+A few nice vocabulary words raise the overall language level considerably. The use of “vapid” and “momentuous” was spot-on and well done.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-It looks like you spend too much time on your introduction. The final three sentences of the introduction are unnecessary and would be better placed in their respective body paragraphs. Instead, just say something along the lines of “facebook, the assembly line, and industrialization are all supposed advances that have had negative impacts on the world” and go straight into the meat of your essay.</p>

<p>-Your body paragraphs seem a little underdeveloped. Make sure every sub-point you make (such as “society is losing the personal touch” or “got-to-have-it-nowism”) is directly supported by some piece of evidence. For example, you could have said: “Time magazine reported in their October issue that face-to-face interactions have declined 25% in the past decade.” </p>

<p>-Go deeper into your examples. It’s good that you mention the Industrial Revolution, but provide specific details about what industrial inventions have contributed to pollution and thus global warming. You could talk about factories and river waste, for example.</p>

<p>Overall, your writing is strong and you have a solid eye of evidence. Essentially: spend less time on your introduction and more time on fully developing and supporting your body paragraphs, filling them with specific details and avoiding overgeneralization. Follow all this and you’ll be great!</p>

<p>Thanks for letting me read your essay. Please, please PM me or post here if you have any questions :)</p>

<p>Richard</p>

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<p>Thanks Richard. I’ll keep that all in mind.</p>

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<p>Hi stramedrice, i’m so sorry to bother you again.
i know my biggest problem is that my examples always lack of focus, and i tried to solve this problem. this is another essay, could you kind to grade and evaluate again? thanks a billion!</p>

<p>Prompt: Can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>Success can be disastrous. Although many successes enhance the quality people’s lives and improve the conditions of countries’ finance, I assume that success, especially in economic and military aspects, can have immense negative effects on natural and social aspects. Examples from Industrialization and Manhattan Project illustrate this truth.</p>

<p>The negative effects of Industrialization can be a great example. With the dynamics of steam engine, motor and electric power, entrepreneurs produce billions of products facing all social needs, and this is a huge success. However, the over use of fossil fuels causes appalling environmental problem, such as global warming and sea-level rising, thus decreasing human expected life. According to The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, the surface temperature will likely rise a further 1.1 to 6.4 °C during the twenty-first century, and causes an increase in the intensity of extreme weather events, a decline in agricultural yields, mass species extinctions, and significant impacts on human lifestyle. While modern advancements facilitate people’s communication to some extinct and manufacturers gain considerably financial profits, humans are now suffering from another kind of disaster, which results from a seeming success. </p>

<p>Another example is the Manhattan Project, a nuclear weapon experiment occurred before the World War II. In order to dominate the priority of the war, President Roosevelt assigned such a project involving 110 thousands of nuclear physicist and 579 thousands of labor force, and in July 15th 1945, the world’s first atomic bomb exploded successfully in New Mexico State. At that time, this incident was truly a vast success, but within a month, the nature of this success swerved drastically. In August 6th and 9th, America dropped two atomic bombs in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. These powerful monsters killed as many as 70,000 people; most of them are innocuous civilians. Although just 6 days later Japan announced its surrender, which marked the ending of World War II, great sorrow can’t be recovered till now. According to statistics published by Hiroshima government, up to 200 thousand of people died directly because of the explosion; the Hiroshima Peace Memorial & Aioi-Bridge still be regarded as a nuclear radioactive polluting distinct. While America won the war and established his dominant position, the cost of this success is utterly disastrous.</p>

<p>By examining the negative effects of Industrialization and the great casualties of Manhattan Project, we conclude say that success can indeed cause great negative impacts on human society. Thus success can be disastrous, and this will always be the case.</p>

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<p>hi streamdrice, i read all of your last mega thread. I’m taking SAT next week, could be possibly give some pointers. I got 9 on my essay last time i took it. But i haven’t write SAT essays for a while and is really rusty. So after you read my essay, could you maybe say what examples would be use with the prompt and how you would approach it. Thanks.</p>

<p>Prompt: Can success be diastrous
A strong desire to achieve a goal is usually a good thing. However, that urge can be overpowering and narrows one’s perspectives. Too strong of a will to succeed can cause one to go against one’s values and achieve disastrous results. This is proven by Sir Gawain in the classic poem Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and by Macbeth in the famous Shakespeare play Macbeth.
Sir Gawain lived in a society where one’s honour was more important than ones life. If a knight promised a deed, he must keep his words or else he will bring shame to his king, his name, and himself. Sir Gawain promised a green knight that he would go to the Green Chapel on New Year’s day and allow the Green Knight to give a nice chop to his neck with an axe. On his way to the Green Chapel, Gawain made another promise with a Lord he was staying with. Gawain promised that he would give everything he received at the castle to the Lord in exchange for the animals the Lord killed on his hunt. During Gawain’s stay, a lady came and offered Gawain a magical belt that would protect Gawain from all bodily harm. Gawain knew that e could successfully complete the Green Knight’s challenge if he kept the belt. He really wanted to prove to the Green Knight that a valiant knight like himself from King Arthur’s court would stand up to any challenge, but at the same time did not want to lose his life. In the end, he decided to keep the belt even though he promised the Lord that he would give up everything including the belt to the Lord. His desire to successfully complete the Green Knight’s challenge clouded his reasoning and he lied to the Lord about the belt. In the end, after he found out that everything, including his deal with the Lord, was just a test to test his honors, Gawain was extremely angry with himself that he failed to keep his words and brought dishonor to his king.
Macbeth is similar to Sir Gawain. Macbeth is so bent on becoming king that he alienated all of his friends and family. After he was successful in defeating two hated enemies for his king, Duncan, the king rewarded Macbeth with the title of the Thane of Cawdor. But Macbeth was not satisfied; he felt that he should be the king. So when Duncan visited Macbeth’s castle to celebrate Macbeth’s victory, Macbeth murdered Duncan in his sleep. Then Macbeth went on to eliminate all of his potential enemies. After Macbeth succeeded in securing the crown, he found out that life was no better than it was before. For a superficial title, he had murdered his beloved king, Duncan, and his best friend, Banquo. The truth about the death Duncan was leaking out and all of Macbeth’s friends who once loved him now despised him. Macbeth was hunted by Banquo’s ghost and was slowly losing his mind. His wife was so shocked by Duncan’s murder that she eventually committed suicide. Macbeth lost his perspectives on what’s important in life and allowed himself to be consumed by his urge to become king.
Success is not everything. The drive to achieve a particular goal can generously narrow our perspectives and shut out our reasons. Those who pursue success at all cost often find that their lives are worse than they were before.</p>

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<p>Prompt
Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money fame or power?</p>

<p>Essay</p>

<p>Money, power and fame ostensibly seem as the strongest motivators for our behavior and acts. However, the power of right and wrong is more powerful than all of the above. Several examples from history and literature demonstrate how conscience is a powerful motivator. </p>

<p>During World War Two my grandmother was save thanks to act that was motivated by conscience. During the war the Nazis administration tried to exterminate Jews in Europe; my grandmother was only 12 when the Nazis started to murder Jews in Poland. My grandmother’s family ran from their city and found a hiding place in a farm that was belonged to a non Jewish polish farmer. Although the farm owner knew he will get money if he hands over my grandmother’s family he chose not to do so. Moreover, he knew that if he the Nazis caught him helping Jews; they will murder because he helped a fugitive. But thanks to his morality and conscience he saved my grandmother’s life.</p>

<p>In addition to my grandmother’s story, the book “Lord of the Flies” also demonstrate how conscience is a powerful motivator to behavior than power is. In the book a plane with a group of boys crushed on a desert island. At first the boys are trying to build a civilization on the island until they will be rescued; they even use a conch to give every boy an opportunity to talk. The conch symbolizes equal power among the children. However the kids’ desires for power grow and they neglect their civilized way; only Piggy an unpopular boy insists to use the conch even though most of the kids laugh at him and ignore him. Piggy understand that the conch makes every child equal to his friends, and he risk being ostracized be advocating its use. Piggy tells the other kids that they act like animals motivated by power and that they need to do the right thing and respect every kid. This act leads to Piggy’s death; ironically only than the boys understand how important is conscience.</p>

<p>By a close analysis of my grandmother’s family during WWII and the book lord of the flies. One can see that concise is, indeed, a powerful motivator m and that people are willing to risk their lives for the just cause </p>

<p>Thank you:)</p>

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<p>Do people who are more successful really smarter, or do they just set higher goals for themselves?</p>

<p>While different people do have varying levels of intelligence, it is not necessarily intelligence that propels you to success. In fact, some people who may be considered less intelligent to some are more successful, simply because they set higher goals for themselves, and carry a positive, pro active frame of mind.</p>

<p>For most people, a goal is set at the height you believe is within your grasp. Some people reach their goals and are satisfied, others get close to it and are ok with that. However, the people who succeed are the ones who reach their goal, and then set it again to a higher, more difficult level. These people are the people who are testing their boundaries, and are committed to their work and performance; they are always trying to improve what they do, always testing their limits, striving higher. The average person is less likely to be successful when they set a goal that is rather low, or reach their goals and walk away. Even the more intelligent can’t prosper without stimulation and activity from setting high goals for themselves. In my experience, setting a goal at the highest possible height that I believe is in my grasp has kept me working hard throughout the duration of the work. I always come near to my goal, and when I get that close, I try to push myself beyond my limits to reach my goal and break through it. If I do end up succeeding, I set higher standards and do it again. This philosophy has led me through life and has served me well to help keep me motivated and active.</p>

<p>Some people approach their work with less motivation and enthusiasm; they set their goal low so that they can easily acheive it, and leave it at that. Others don’t even try to set goals for themselves; they would rather whither away doing nothing. These people are not necessarily less intelligent, indeed some may be very smart. They are just very lazy and do not do the work, don’t motivate themselves, and above all, are not noticed by others for their work ethic. People tend to avoid working with others who set lower goals for themselves, because those people know that the others will just drag them down. Those with high goals tend to have appreciable work ethic, and are sought out for help or as partners. The goals they set for themselves not only hones their intelligence or skills, but it also helps to make them compatible with others, which is a very admiring quality on the road to success. Once when I was in third grade, I was paired to work with a child who had no work ethic, no goals, and no people skills. I tried to cooperate with him, but to no avail. Our grades suffered, and he left a lasting distaste that I still remember today. The road to success has less and less entry ways for people such as that.</p>

<p>Positive energy helps you work more efficiently. If one has low standards because they are disappointed with their cognitive abilities, they may become frustrated and not even complete their low standard they had set for themselves. They certainly won’t try to set a higher goal for themselves; the pessimistic view of their own intelligence prevents them from trying to reach something they are convinced they can not get. I have a friend who considers herself less intelligent than her peer group, and because of that, she is afraid to try things that she deems are out of her league. Not trying to rise higher and prosper does nothing for her; she remains static in her progression in life. The times that she does attempt something “too smart” for her, she usually finds that it isn’t that hard at all, and she just needed to try.</p>

<p>When one expects more from oneself, they push themselves to achieve. A high standard is a continual progression on the road to success.</p>

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<p>ASSIGNMENT: Is it sometimes necessary to be impolite?</p>

<p>Society has long stressed the necessity of manners and courtesy. Many would argue that it is in one’s own best interest to always be polite. Certain situations, however, demand a different sort of behavior. Both John Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath and the presidency of Teddy Roosevelt prove that there can be certain times when one must forgo common courtesy to serve their best interests. Impoliteness, though not encouraged, can prove necessary in serious situations.</p>

<p>Throughout The Grapes of Wrath, the Joad family faces a series of hardships at the hand of authority figures. They also face a conflict in culture, as their civil, respectful ways meet blatant rudeness and bigotry as they travel westward. Though they try to be polite and courteous, like they were raised to be, the Joads also learn that it can sometimes prove necessary to be impolite for the good of the family. When Ma Joad is struggling to feed the family on the meager earnings they made picking peaches, she has a harsh encounter with the grocery store clerk, who is charging her outrageous prices for their food. Instead of backing down and succumbing to authority, and thereby letting her family go hungry yet another night, she berates him and the whole system that is keeping her down. This confrontation and undoubted stray from proper manners proves valuable, as the startled clerk gives her some sugar for free. In this instant, manners would not have served Ma well, as she would have continued to suffer at the hands of authority.</p>

<p>Similarly, president Teddy Roosevelt often utilized harsh, even abrasive, tactics to best serve the country. In his early days as a politician, Roosevelt made enemies for his harsh manner, but these mannerisms ultimately propelled him to the highest position in the country. As president, Roosevelt likewise embodied impolite behavior. His ‘Big Stick’ foreign policy won the United States world power and colonial possessions all across the globe. He defended his ideas with powerful speeches from his ‘Bully Pulpit’, and though they frequently lacked the civility usually expected in presidential addresses, they were ultimately successful, allowing Roosevelt to further the causes of Progressivism and expansionism with less opposition. Had it not been for Roosevelt’s directness and force, the world may never have seen the Panama Canal be built and may have watched the nation’s forests disappear without objection.</p>

<p>Both Ma Joad in Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath and president Teddy Roosevelt illustrate that poor manners can glean results better than courtesy is often able to. While society may condemn such behavior, it is unquestionable that it can often be productive. Difficult situations demand force and action, and when the going gets tough, politeness is rarely at the front of anyone’s mind, nor does it need to be.</p>

<p>Wow, it was moderately painful retyping that, but I’d love to hear your reaction. Thanks so much for doing this!</p>

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<p>Topic:What motivates people to change</p>

<p>Change is part of the human life. Everyone changes at one point or another. Change is not always for the better, but no matter what stage of life a person is at, change will affect them.</p>

<p>I was starting my sophmore year with low expectations, in fact everyone I knew expected me to fail. If someone looked back at my academic history they wouldn’t give me much hope for the future. The worst part was I also didn’t believe in myself. I thought that change was impossible, but I was wrong. I started out the year like most had expected, in fact my first test grade was a 60. When I told my parents about my test, They were extremly disapointed. I couldn’t bare to look at their disapointed faces, it broke my heart. After that single moment, I decided to change. I began to focus in class and do my homework, and next thing you know, I got my first A on a test, first in many years. I loved that feeling, and for the rest of that year I never made a grade below an A. For my junior year i decided to take more challenging courses, but my councilors were still judging me by my Freshman grades. I couldn’t believe that they hadn’t noticed my change from a C student to an A student, it really blew my mind. I decided to ignore their advice and take the advanced courses anyway, and it paid off. I continued to make straight A’s, and finally my councilors noticed my change. Because of my change people now give me more respect, and I no longer have to look at my parents disapointed faces, but most importantly i now believe in myself.</p>

<p>Change will always affect people in someway, and if they accept it, they will be able to walk away with a new outlook on life and themselves.</p>

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<p>Is creativity needed more than ever in the world today?</p>

<p>Creativity means coming up with new and innovative ideas or ways of doing things. Is it really true that we need creativity more than ever before? The problems facing us today are increasingly complex and require a great deal of creativity to be solved.</p>

<p>To illustrate this need for creativity let us consider a case a NASA. When NASA launched its space program, they discovered that pens would not write in space due to the absence of gravity to make the ink flow.
So how did they solve this problem? They spent millions of dollars and years of research to design a pen that would work in space, underwater and in almost any condition imaginable. The Russians just used the pencil! This event helps to demonstrate the importance of creativity. While NASA’s method did work, and they eventually did find a way to write in space, their ‘brute force’ method lacked the simplicity of the Russian’s idea. A simple, creative solution is far superior to a costly and convoluted one.</p>

<p>Yet another instance where a creative solution was far better than a ‘conventional’ one was in a Japanese soap factory. A customer had complained that one of the soap packets he had bought was empty. The factory manager checked the production lines and confirmed that some of the packets were empty for no apparent reason. The factory manager hired a team of engineers to work on the problem. After lots of costly work the engineers had developed an X-ray system which scanned ach packet of soap to determine whether it was empty.
When an architect heard of the problem he just bought an industrial-strength fan and placed it near the production line. Any empty boxes were blown off the line. The architect’s solution was simple and elegant compared to the company’s solution. </p>

<pre><code>Although these are only two cases where creativity was useful, there are many more situations where creativity is paramount. As we move into the twenty-first century, creativity is an important tool in our arsenal against the world’s problems.
</code></pre>

<p>thanks in advance for grading my essay</p>

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<p>(I know there are factual inaccuracies, excuse those, lol. Especially the fact that the whole reason Byrd changed is inaccurate in my essay)</p>

<p>Prompt: To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.</p>

<p>Assignment: What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>Change cannot be force-fed. You cannot drown a person in change; nor can you inject them with the drug of change. They need to take that leap into the waters of redemption; they must take the needle and pour that spirit of reform into their bloodstream. However, change is not some hormone in the body that will activate wihout external influence. Three men - the Emperor Aurenzeb, Senator Robert Byrd, and Fahrenheit 451’st protagonist Guy Montag, prove that a mirror - that is, a great external event - must be provided for a person to see their true reflection and be motivated to change internally.</p>

<p>The mirror for the 16th century Mughal emperor Aurenzeb, who would burn children and men alive if they did not convert to Islam, was a life of committing tyranny only to be met with quiet defiance. As he killed Sikhs who would not bend to his will, their leader - Guru Gobind Singh - did not retaliate with only war, but with words. These words reflected to Aurenzeb the cruelty and hypocrisy of his deeds, and at the end of his life he repented. It took these words from without to cause him to look within.</p>

<p>Sometimes words are not enough. Senator Robert Byrd was a member of the KKK in his youth. He was raised in a racist environment, and it took an entire movement - the Civil Rights movementm to make him look internally. He changed deeply, becoming a public servant and proponent of civil rights.</p>

<p>And sometimes, all it takes is a solitary person to stir change in another. In Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, Guy Montag was a fireman who burned books and was numb to life. When he met a young girl who questioned his profession, his soul awakened and the way he saw the world changed. She was the outer catalyst for his internal change.</p>

<p>Thus, change is not something you draw out of nowhere. Nor is it something imposed upon you. It is a careful balance of the universe around you stirring the soul within you</p>

<p>Thank you in advance!</p>

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<p>since its seems Richard no longer gives feedback, i’ll give some feedbacks.
To liLacTree, you essay is like a 8. Good examples (except for the inaccurarate part) and structure. Try to develop each argument more. You’ll need more depth. For example, expand on how Aurenzeb felt after he listened to the words of that other guy and how he changed.</p>

<p>To someone001, your essay is like a 9-10. The examples are witty and well-developed. The only thing is that you need a clear and to the point thesis. Your thesis should be something like: Creativity is paramount because it is very efficient .</p>

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<p>To redol, keep working lol. </p>

<p>To daytripper, you essay is like a 9-10. Everything is good except that the examples are a little negative. Your example of Roosevalt made him seem like a bully who used force for get his way. You first examples is pretty good, but a suggestion is change “authority” with another term because the store clerk isn’t really “authority”. Otherwise, your essay looks good.</p>

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<p>To Aelius, your essay is all right, an 8. The main problem is that your essay is too generic and you need CONCRETE examples.</p>

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<p>Assignment: Can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>Flaws:
-lack of transition
-spelling errors, should be “Israel”
-no time left to check over/re-read</p>

<p>Essay:
Nothing comes without consequence. Sometimes, success in a particular area or event can bring about disastrous repercussions, as shown through events in history. Scientists working on the Manhattan project achieved a success which brought worldwide terror. Leaders of the October War and World War Two also suffered disaster after their initial success.</p>

<p>In 1945, scientists working on the Manhattan project unraveled a revolutionary weapon: the atomic bomb. After many years of research and hard work, this new weapon was born, bring the world into the atomic age. The weapon was immediately authorized for use by President Harry Truman. Two bombs, nicknamed “Little Boy” and “Fat Man” were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki respectively, helping end World War Two without a full scale invasion of Japan, which could have costed millions of lives. This was a resounding success and millions of people praised the scientists’ efforts. However, in 1947, the Soviet Union developed its own atomic weapons, bringing the two superpowers, USA and USSR, into the Cold War. This war lasted over 50 years and placed the world onto the brink of catastrophe. The atomic weapons were powerful enough to destroy the whole of human civilization, a disastrous consequence no one had predicted.</p>

<p>On October of 1973, Egyptian troops invaded Isreal in hopes of gaining a large territory called “the Sinae”. The Tgyptian troops were successful in pushing the Isreali troops out of Sinae and even attemted to attack the Isreali heartland, Jeruselem. This early victory caused the people of Egypt to be overjoyed. However, the events soon turned and the Isreali troops received reinforcements and support from around the world. The Isrealis pushed the Egyptians out ofthe Sinae and conquered most of Egypt. The Egyptian population was furious and the once celebrated Egyptian President was assasinated. Once again, the initial success brought on a set of dire consequences.</p>

<p>In WWII, Nazi Germany began its invasion of Europe in 1939, quickly overunning countries such as Poland, Begium, The Netherlands, and France. The German leader, Adolf Hitler was impressed by this feat. In 1941, he began operation Barbarossa, a massive invasion of the Soviet Union. He sent 3 million soldiers to attak the USSR. However, in 1942, during the Battle of Stalingrd, Hitler’s luck turned. His troops suffered defeat after defeat, cultimating in the fall of Berlin 1945. Hitler himself died during the war, marking the end of his efforts to achieve success.</p>

<p>Initial success can indeed be accompanied by entual disaster. The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangeriouly narrow ones perspective, cultimating in an empty triumph.</p>

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<p>Welcome back steamed. (even though I’m weeks late :P)!!</p>

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<p>whats the link to the best sat essay guide it doesn’t work anymore</p>

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<p>Assignment: Do people need other people to understand ourselves?</p>

<p>The old adage goes, “two heads are better than one.” When one thinks about it one can find that this statement is true. Although many people proclaim themselves to be independent, this is unfortunately not true. Everybody’s lives are connected in some manner. So people do need other people in order to understand ourselves better.</p>

<p>My mom always told me that I cannot keep my feelings and emotions all bottled up in myself. This is because if I did, one day I might have bottled up my emotions for far too long and eventually I would explode, not literally of course. This shows that in order to understand yourself better one must talk to other people and express the emotions you are feeling. If one does not do that then it is likely that one will undergo a type of crisis that would cause much pain to oneself. </p>

<p>As previously examined, the old adage says that two heads are better than one is true and shows that one needs other people in order to better understand oneself and to make it easier to solve things. For example, suppose you are working on a really hard math problem. You aren’t the greatest at that type of problem but together you and a friend of yours, who has the same math skills as you do, could easily do it together. </p>

<p>John Donne, the famous metaphysical writer, wrote a piece of literature, called Meditation 17, shows the significance of people working together in order to understand oneself. In Meditation 17, he says that all the lives of people are interconnected. This is because one man is not an island of his own. Everybody is connected in some way and therefore to better understand oneself, you need people to help you. </p>

<p>These three examples provide us with a good reason why one person needs other people to better understand oneself. although people may call themselves independent one is truly never independent, because everybody’s lives are connected. So the old adage is true, “two heads are better than one,” and although one may consider oneself independent as John Donne put it, “No man is an island of his own.”</p>

<hr>

<p>I realize that there are some grammatical errors. I wanted to see what you guys think I would’ve gotten if I had written it on test day so I didn’t go back and edit it.
Do you think I can use a quote in the intro and then go back and elaborate on it like i did?</p>

<p>thanks so much</p>

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<p>Motivated…
General comments:
-you should not go back to that two heads quote (or any introductory quote) in a body paragraph. That is kind of superflous, imo. At most a subtle reference would suffice. And especially with the quote you used, which needs no elaboration because of its inherent simplicity.<br>
-I don’t see much analysis. You say we are all interconnected, but why is that beneficial? How does that help us understand ourselves? How does each piece of evidence relate back to the prompt?<br>
-There isn’t much flow to the essay. You hop around to one thing and then the next. Hence there is an organizational problem.</p>

<p>So, I think your real problems lie in the realm of logic. You never really proved or analyzed anything, you are repetitive, your thesis wasn’t very strong, and your evidence was unorganized and somewhat irrelevant. Your essay seems more like a stream of thought than anything else. </p>

<p>Advice: Maybe you could outline your essay first. So you first think of a thesis statement, then think of a few things that you could use to support your thesis that are also very relevant and write them down (ex: Donne, mom’s sayings, math problem, whatever). Each thing you write should become its own paragraph, unless it is closely related with something else to make it one paragraph (ex: two shakespeare plays, a math and science problem, two movies, etc.)</p>

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<p>What happened to the link for the ‘best SAT guide’? I get an error page every time. =/
This thread is great though. I’ll be posting an essay sometime soon. =)</p>

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<p>Oh! The famous thread! Back again, I see. I posted this on a separate thread as well, but I thought I might copy this here so that drill Sgt. steamedrice could grade it.</p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<p>I cannot comprehend those who emphasize or recognize only what is useful. I am concerned that learning for learning’s sake is no longer considered desirable, that everything we do and think must be directed toward the solution of a practical problem. More and more we seem to try to teach how to make a good living and not how to live a good life.</p>

<p>–Adapted from Philip D. Jordan</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>The notion for the love of knowledge has been pressed to extinction. Society has replaced this mindset with a harsher one. As global citizens, our ultimate goal is to acquire practical skills that will allow us to gain as much wealth as possible, as opposed to living life to the fullest. The novel In Dubious Battle, the Great Depression, adn my own personal experience expose the proliferation of this mindset.</p>

<p>In Dubious Battle by John Steinbeck exemplifies the obsession of making a good living through the apple pickers of Central California. When the protagonists, Jim and Marc arrive to unionize the workers through a Communist Revolution, they meet a worker named London. London, a man who was strong with his hands, had aspired to be a carpenter when he was younger. However, instead of working towards his dream, he learned the practical skill of apple picking, simply because the wage was higher.In current times, members of society are willing to sacrifice their true dreams and lifelong learning for practical skills which lead to short-term economic benefit.</p>

<p>History dons its own example through the Great Depression Era. The Great Depression resulted in an unemployment rate close to 25%. Due to socioeconomic situation, vagrants gave up their pursuit of knowledge or desired skills, and focused on practical skills that would allow them to earn their daily bread. Although vagrants were discontent at the prospect of giving up their dreams, learning practical skills was the only option that remained to fight off poverty. The Great Depression and the economic instability that followed led to the creation of an ideology the emphasized learning to gain social or economic benefit as opposed to gaining knowledge.</p>

<p>As a student, I also experienced a similar phenomenon during course selection for the following year. A close friend of mine had always expressed interest in computer science; he always conversed with me about programming and participated in various coding competitions. To align himself with this goal, he decided to take AP Computer Science the following year. Later, my friend admitted to changing his mind- he had taken Physiology instead. He had decided that it was more logical and practical to learn medicine, which was a field with lots of opportunity and potential. Also, salaries for doctors were higher, and he could facilitate the health of his family as well. Society has become so attracted to learning in a practical manner, that even the next generation of students are deviating from their true passions to accommodate a “matter-of-fact” standpoint.</p>

<p>Society no longer believes that working towards one’s passions is an efficient approach. Instead we as global citizens have become attracted to the acquisition of potential knowledge that will allow us to make a good living, rather than a good life.</p>