<p>Has anyone here had problems with this? I'm in a long term relationship that's lasted close to two years at this point. There seems to be more problems in our relationship since I've started school. I used to work 38-40 hours per week and there were no problems but now there are. It seems like the problems erupt when I'm trying to study because she doesn't like how much I study. I don't spend all day doing it; just long enough to understand it (or master it if its math). I know that the further I get into actual engineering the more ill have to study. I'm fine with that, though, but I know she's not going to be. And then I wonder about traveling. IF I ever have to travel for any reason, whether it be an internship, grad school, job requirement, etc. I know that I'll do it but I stress out thinking about how it's going to affect this relationship. Has anyone here ever had problems studying engineering or similar and had problems with your relationship that somewhat mimic mine? If so, what was your situation and how did you handle it?</p>
<p>You have phrased the issue as “studying engineering while in a relationship” but the issue isn’t the studying it’s the relationship. I guarantee you that if you stay in that relationship the problem will change over time from “studying” to something else that’s part of your life or your work, e.g., work travel, late hours on a project, vacation ideas that differ from her ideas etc etc etc.</p>
<p>The good thing about your relationship is that it is still on a trial basis. IMO you don’t handle this type of conflict you evaluate (without rose tinted glasses) your girlfriend’s personality (perhaps controlling) and decide whether you want to face this stress again and again for the rest of your life. A bleak outlook for sure but it’s better to face the cold hard truth.</p>
<p>I will chime in with the others here. You are the same age as my kids and I will tell you what I would tell them. While every relationship needs time and caring, your education comes first. If you are in a partnership with someone who is so needy that you don’t have time to study, is this healthy for you? If you have not completed your education, you are not in a position to support a family either emotionally or financially ( whether or not your partner works too). You are at the stage of life where you are dating to see what qualities you like in a partner and what you don’t want. Nobody is perfect, but some qualities are not going to lead you to a healthy and mutually supportive relationship.</p>
<p>I agree with Chris- it’s not the studying. Next will be the job, travel, or anything else away from the relationship. I agree that while the studying/job is a priority, workaholism won’t be healthy either. There will be times when you need to be there for your family- a newborn, someone has surgery- whatever. In order for you to be able to ask for time off- you must be established in a secure job. These are decisions made by mature adults in times of family changes, not just to placate a needy person. You are not married and in no position to be married now. Maybe she is wanting to settle down now, but are you ready? If this is what she wants now, that person may not be you.</p>
<p>You may care for this person, but IMHO, the interference with your schooling and future career is not good. It could be wrong person and/or wrong time. Determine your priorities and your focus. If it is your education, then at your age, you have to put everything you can into it. As much as young people like to be in relationships, it may not be the right thing at this time. Are you ready to forgo your degree for your partner? Are you even mature enough to decide this? IMHO you should not have to sacrifice your education for anyone. Luther says “Next”, mine would be “Not Now”</p>
<p>I and many of my friends went through engineering while in relationships with no problems. Heck, I even married the person I dated for a large chunk of my engineering studies. No problems. As others have said, it isn’t engineering, it is your relationship. If she doesn’t support your life goals and the work you need to perform to achieve your goals, then she doesn’t really support you and, quite frankly, the relationship is either doomed or fated to be a miserable one as the issue (and undoubtedly others) continue to fester over time. You need to make it clear that you have certain goals and need to study and work your butt of to reach them and it is just something she will have to deal with.</p>
<p>Personally, I consider my family life and my professional life on equal grounds if not tipping towards family, but my wife is aware of the fact that I do sometimes have to work long hours and cut back on fun for the sake of getting my job done. I just personally make the choice to avoid doing so as much as possible.</p>
<p>I just wanted to say thanks for the replies and to let everyone know that I read and appreciate the feedback. Obviously I have a lot of thinking to do. I’ve sometimes wondered if I should wait and see if my grades ever suffer. If I notice any slight change, then it would be worth bringing up. Regardless, I know I’m going to have to tell her that I have to make school a main priority and that just because I’m doing so doesn’t mean I don’t care about the relationship. If it isn’t good enough, I guess it wasn’t supposed to work.</p>
<p>Yeah, well I suppose I should stress that you shouldn’t make any rash decisions based on what an internet message board tells you. It seems like you weren’t planning on it though. Just make sure you don’t make yourself a doormat just to hang onto a significant other. I almost fell into that trap when I was younger and man alive was it a bad experience. I look back now and wonder what the heck I was thinking.</p>
<p>If you were married, which you are not, I would say you have to put the relationship first. That said, she also has to put the relationship first, and being jealous of your studying is not being respectful and putting the needs of the couple first (you need to do well at your job).</p>
<p>Your job right now is to do as well as you can in your studies. Not just “get by”. How well you learn (or do not learn) today’s lesson will affect how well you understand next year’s class.</p>
<p>From what you have said, it seems like she is too insecure to be in a relationship. She needs to develop a better sense of self first. Kids in college are usually happy to eat together, and spend time together while studying. She can study her classes, while you study yours. If she just wants to party or watch TV with you every day, you do not have that luxury this time of your life.</p>
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<p>Let’s not overgeneralize too much. I did plenty of partying and TV and other varieties of fun while I was getting my undergraduate degree and did just fine. Shoot, my girlfriend (now wife) was somewhat appalled at how little studying I did sometimes. Really, what it comes down to is time management. By the end of my undergraduate degree, I had just gotten good enough at it that I was able to balance everything out and have time to study hard, play hard and generally just have a good time without my grades suffering. You really just have to be careful early on when the good time management habits haven’t really had time to fully develop yet.</p>
<p>Everyone is different and requires different study habits. The important thing is just understanding your own study requirements and time restrictions and learning to balance them with the rest of your life. If a girl isn’t understanding of your priorities, she probably just isn’t right for you. The bottom line: have an adult discussion about the issue and if she is understanding, that is a good sign.</p>
<p>^Substitute “boyfriend (now husband)” for “girlfriend (now wife)” and I could have written boneh3ad’s first paragraph, word for word. DH was so concerned about my lack of studying in one particular class we took together that he thought about talking to my parents, lol! I still don’t let him forget the fact that I got an A in it and he got a B. ;)</p>
<p>Even though this is still the internet, you still need varying angles and viewpoints. I am going to give you totally different (and probably not as popular) view.</p>
<p>If you are age 18-22, scrap that “serious relationship”. School comes first, then post-school establishment THEN a serious relationship. </p>
<p>Serious relationship between age 18-22?..on a college campus?..for what??</p>
<p>Personally, I feel that the serious relationship is done for the purpose of marriage and marriage should probably wait until one is established and older.</p>
<p>1) Graduate
2) Secure employment
3) Establish career
4) Get all of the “single guy” out of your system
5) Then get into a serious relationship and get married</p>
<p>The women will be there.</p>
<p>I’ll add another viewpoint that having a solid, supportive partner at your side can make all the difference in the world when it comes to pursuing an engineering degree.</p>
<p>I was an extremely immature, disorganized, bullheaded idiot when I first met my future wife in school in a freshmen English class (the only class our curriculums shared). Lets also throw in selfish, elitist, and arrogant to round out my charming qualities. She was a drama major, I was an engineering major, so I thought I’d impress her with my “quant” smarts. Turns out her dad is a Physicist, her mother a Chemist, brother number 1 a genius (~180IQ), sister number 1 a mechanical engineer, sister number 2 a biochemistry major, brother number 2 at least is still in high school. Even her paternal grandmother has two PhD’s. She scored 5’s on her BC Calc, Chem, and both Physics C AP exams to my 3 Calc AB, 3 (mech)/4(e&m) Physics scores (no chem taken). She also has a tested IQ score 1 point higher than mine (still reminds me of this from time to time).</p>
<p>Add to this the fact that she has been a self-sufficient adult since she was probably 15, held at one point, 3 different jobs while maintaining above a 3.8 (to keep scholarships) in an extremely tough program - you start to get the idea that she is a good influence for an aspiring engineer. Now she’s a deputy project manager at a software company (the desire for health insurance and a stable income prompted a switch in careers from the theater industry).</p>
<p>Simply put, without the structure and support my wife provides, there is no way I ever would have grown up and gotten my act together (let me introduce you to my oldest brother). I never would have gone back to school for an engineering degree without her encouragement.</p>
<p>All that said, where we are now took a decade, I don’t believe anyone under the age of 25 can possibly understand how far they really have to go. My advice is unless she’s better than you, ditch her, else hang on for dear life :-)</p>