<p>It would mean so much to me if someone could give me feedback!!! thanks!</p>
<pre><code> My idea of a perfect day in college: wake up, walk outside, become overwhelmed by monuments, discuss politics with a friend over breakfast, go to class with an open mind and burning questions, leave class with a mind gorged with knowledge and new questions, go for a run, make a quick stop to gaze at the Washington Monument, grab a bite to eat at Whole Foods, go to some more classes, watch a Senator give a speech, attend a debate club full of the most politically active students in America, get dinner with friends before a big basketball game, be surrounded by glimmering school spirit, go back to my dorm, look out my window and witness history being made. The only college where this day is possible, the only college where I truly want to attend, the only college that will help me accomplish my dreams, is The George Washington University.
If you were to ask my friends, What does Eric love to talk about? you would probably get any one of three answers: a) food, b) things he finds funny, and c) politics. All those three answers are accurate and all of them can be found in abundance in the GW community; although this is true, I am most anxious to attend GW in order to immerse myself into a politically dynamic student body. At my high school there is a Junior Statesman of America club where current world issues are discussed and debated, but there are only ten members. In the GW community there are thousands of students who are passionate about the issues of today. As a GW student I would witness a multitude of views on American politics, and I would be sure to share my own.
When I first visited The George Washington University, I was profoundly impressed during my information session when the admissions officer spoke about internships. He told the audience about one student who won the internship lottery. This student snagged an internship in which he would annotate the newspaper for the president. Every day he would wake up early, grab the newspaper, mark and highlight important events and articles, then hand it to the president. An internship like this is only tangible as a GW student.
I remember the exact moment when my aspirations to attend GW became concrete. I was interested in GW so I asked my friend Paige (who is currently a junior at the university) what her favorite experience was at college. Her answer was unexpected and left me with chills. She told me that her favorite experience was when Osama Bin Laden was killed and she as well as thousands of other GW students surrounded the White House cheering joyfully with tears rolling down their cheeks. She described her intense emotions as she stood hand in hand with her peers, celebrating the American victory. To me, that is the experience of a lifetime, an experience made possible by being a member of the GW community.
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<p>Skip all the kiss-*** talk and attempt at academic words. It’s too overdone. Don’t try to impress them… it doesn’t work. Be real. Make the essay show the real you, not who you want them to think you are. Realize what GW-- and you-- are, and what it and you aren’t. Most students don’t go to basketball games often. Anyone can attend a senator’s speech somewhere in the U.S. That’s not about GW-- that’s about politics.</p>
<p>You clearly want to attend GW, but this essay doesn’t tell me anything other than you’re trying too hard to say what admissions wants to hear. These essays are a dime a dozen. </p>
<p>Think about why you really want to attend this school. Then, rewrite your essay.</p>
<p>Skip the “academic” words and be real. What can YOU do for the school? GW is obviously in DC and has monuments around. An admissions rep can only read so many essays like this one a day… it’s “profoundly” boring to read copy and pasted essays about how exciting DC is.</p>
<p>P.S.- “Glimmering school spirit?” There’s not THAT much school spirit, especially not in sports.</p>
<p>I would rewrite this essay if I were you. It’s just like all the others, and doesn’t focus on what the school really is, and says zero about you and what you offer the school. </p>
<p>I’m not saying that to be harsh, but… there’s nothing about YOU in this essay other than thinking you’re funny, and there’s nothing that makes us connect with you. Tone the admissions talk down, and be yourself. This essay is just trying way too hard. It’s not you.</p>
<p>Rewrite this, and good luck on your application.</p>
<p>I remember that you were in Junior Statesmen of America. I was in that… fun times.
Any unique experiences there? Rewrite this essay with one of those experiences.</p>
<p>Or with your swim team, marching band, etc.? </p>
<p>There’s are tons of PA applicants. Anything unique about your city-- small town, few opportunities?</p>
<p>I think focusing on politics is fine if that’s what YOU are passionate about. To me, what stands out is this:</p>
<p>“I am most anxious to attend GW in order to immerse myself into a politically dynamic student body. At my high school there is a Junior Statesman of America club where current world issues are discussed and debated, but there are only ten members. In the GW community there are thousands of students who are passionate about the issues of today.”</p>
<p>I agree that you should go through and look carefully at your word choices, and try to be truer to the way you would talk. But if politics is your thing, I think diluting the essay with other activities isn’t the right thing to do. Do think of whether there’s anything that’s happened in JSA that you could include. However, I think that, other than the word choice issues, it’s a fine essay.</p>