@sabaray as executor and personal rep you distribute things and they are not legally for the taking, as you probably know.
So sorry. A month is so soon and you are busy for awhile so keep coming here!
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Oh yes, I am quite familiar with the process. Most of what he took were photos of his family that they’d given Mom. Mom had a trust which really simplifies my responsibilities. Mom’s financial advisor reminded me when I met with her that I didn’t have to rush to get things done other than dealing with the investment piece and that’s in process now.
I think what hurts the most is not having my biggest support system anymore. Mom always encouraged me not to give up on myself. I knew she truly believed I could do anything.
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Same here. She was constantly sending me encouraging cards. I keep the last one she sent in my office drawer so I can see it often.
I’ve been concentrating lately on passing on what my mom gave me (unconditional love and encouragement) to my kids. That gives me a lot of comfort.
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Oh gosh, that must have felt awful. What a thing to do.
My uncle – who had many problems – lived with my (locally famous and professionally respected) grandmother at the end of her life. Right after the funeral, my Dad (oldest of 3) left very very quickly for the house – because there in the driveway, his siblings were having a shouting argument he intervened in.
I walk up to the front door and meet one of my cousins , ashen, coming out the door and he takes me by the arm and steers me away. “Don’t go in” he says.
My uncle had sold every piece of furniture,every single object right down to the silverware! An argument is my mother’s worst nightmare, so she is busily grieving Dad’s death by labelling everything and asking over and over who wants what. It’s all about the context,I guess.
My parents thankfully did a major downsize 2 years before they passed. Much easier to sort through things when they were still alive but it was very tough on my dad who wanted my brother and I to basically take everything. I feel like we did take a good amount but unless we took everything, he wouldn’t have been happy.
It was much easier to sort through a small condo after they passed and we did take the bulk of the things there.
Interestingly my dad almost threw away all the old family photos when they downsized. Thank goodness the estate agent asked me before they complied! They were able to ship them to me with the furniture I did want.
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We are not a sentimental family as a whole. That said, when my father died 4 years ago, I asked mom if I could have his star sapphire ring. As I young child, I remember spinning the ring on dad’s finger, and as I teenager, he gave me my own star sapphire ring. While I don’t wear the ring daily, I do wear in on occasion. Fast forward a couple of years, mom and I are talking about the ring and see informs me that the ring I have was not the original. Seems dad lost the ring of my childhood, and had another made to the same specifications. The ring was still dad’s, but I wish I didn’t know it was a replacement.
My mother feels like everything she owns is important. My aunt and I are on the same page about the jewelry, paintings, and mom’s Lalique collection. We have tried to get her to go ahead and sell some jewelry she isn’t wearing so that she will have money to live on, but she will not do so. My aunt and I know some of this will be sold at some point, although we will each keep a couple of pieces. My brother is clueless, so will not fight us on our decisions when the time comes.
My husband doesn’t have anything specific the kids want, but they each will take a few items of clothing and a few doodads from his desk. Neither my son or SIL wear the same size clothing, although there are a few jackets they can make due with. His tools, now that is another story! My SIL that now lives here will go through and find some pieces he might be missing; my son lives out of town and always flies in, but if there are things he want, we will ship.
I probably shared already, but “disappointed” would be an understatement as to how I felt when I heard Dad wanted to leave his UT National Football Championship ring (Dad received it as head of the Men’s Athletic Council when the team won in 2006) to my nephew, his grandson. I think it was because he wanted it to go to a male, honestly. But I started going to games with him when I was 4. I applied to no other schools than UT, even though back then I probably could have gotten into any school I wanted. I got my BS and MS at UT, and Dad was one of my professors. My nephew didn’t even go to UT. I was really hurt. I got up the nerve to tell Dad how I felt. He said he didn’t know it meant that much to me. He said he would leave it to me if I agreed to pass it on to my nephew. OK, whatever.
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This is a helpful thread. I had posted for years on the Parents Caring . . . thread as my parents declined. They died of COVID, 4 days apart, in February 2021 a few days before the first vaccines were given in the AL.
I find it interesting that many days I can have pleasant memories of them, or tell a story about them, and have a bit of a smile, but some days, out of the blue, a flashback of getting that phone call, or remembering something and wanting to share it with them hits me and it feels like they just died.
I am an only child so I struggle with the fact that there is no one who has my same childhood memories anymore.
I share this Ball in the Box concept with every grieving friend. I find is expresses what I am feeling so well: Ball and Box Analogy Explains Why You Can't Just Get 'Over' Grief
I have four brothers. One passed away before either of my parents. The other three view our shared childhood (we are all within 4 years of each other) differently than I do. So even if you shared a childhood, it might not be as comforting to talk about it with siblings as you might think. My H is 7 years younger than his S, and they also experienced childhoods that they view differently. It’s weird … you’d think it would be comforting to have a sibling that you can reminisce with, but that’s not always the case.
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You are absolutely correct. I tend to romanticize having siblings (having lost some when I was younger) and I have plenty of friends who have shared their struggles with sibs. I do have a fair number of friends who also claim their sisters are their best friends - seems like it can almost be a roll of the die. Not sure whether parents can claim credit or blame for sibling relationships 
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My DiL is also an only child, of a single parent who adopted her as an infant. I think it must be very hard to not feel especially alone after loss as an “only”, and you have our sympathies.
My siblings and I have been very lucky – we all are coping in our own, very different, ways, but so far that’s understood. Me myself, I am basically okay unless I try to sing and for some reason that undoes me. (And my dad was the most unmusical person ever)
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Just found this thread. I took care of my dad for 7 years long distance after my mom passed away. It’s been many years now (he died in 2011) but there are still things there are triggers. Whenever there is a bad storm up north I think immediately about whether the caregivers can get to the house.
The day of my moms funeral and repast, we went back to the house. My parents slept in different bedrooms (150 year old home, it came that way), there was a door connecting them, my moms bedroom had the master bath, both were a good size, my dad was an awful snorer, you could hear him throughout the large home. He had Alzheimer’s, it didn’t compliment him (it seemed to bring out his worst qualities). He insisted, that night, that we remove all of my moms possessions and move his in. So of course we did. That was hard, and exhausting, mentally and physically.
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Oh my. That must have been hard not only emotionally, of course, but physically as well.
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I can already tell this is going to be a tough holiday season, emotionally. I have been feeling sad, angry, guilty, depressed, confused, irritated, short-tempered, and in a fighting mood. Bring on the useless relatives! 
As a refresher, my mom had vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s. I cared for her in my home for a little shy of ten years. She died at the end of January, so this is the first holiday season without her.
I have three siblings. One is ill, but was able to visit occasionally. The other two only visited at Thanksgiving and Christmas (pre-covid) when invited and never called or sent her cards.
She arrived here by way of a hospitalization, and was furious she wasn’t allowed to return to her home. She should not have been living alone for the previous three years, but we couldn’t force her. So she was physically independent, but had significant memory issues.
I dealt with the whole range of stages. The first five years were difficult because she had enough of herself cognitively to be stubborn and erratic. Did I mention she was a hoarder? Her hoarder house sat full of stuff waist high for years until I could get to it. She tried to hoard in her bedroom here, which caused many arguments about safety. The last five years she was physically like a small child- incontinent, weak, and needed full supervision and assistance when awake. She knew me most days but became non-sensical, repetitive, and sometimes aggressive and verbally cruel. Every day was so long.
When she died, my aunt and siblings decided to scrap the funeral plans I’d arranged three years ago, and opted for a zoom service with a minister cousin.
At the time, I decided it was easier to just go along with the majority. I was in no condition to stand my ground and insist on what I wanted.
Since January, I’ve been busy going through her paperwork and finishing up her estate work. I’ve shredded thousands of documents going back to the 1960s.
I would describe the first six months after she died as filled with lots of crying and guilt. The last two months, as coming out of that phase. And now, a new phase is setting in where I’m very angry. We had a contentious relationship when I was growing up, so there is unresolved stuff going way back.
I should have made use of the bereavement support from hospice (which my mom was on for three weeks) but I didn’t.
No one who hasn’t been through it truly understands what live-in caregiving entails. How it affects your relationships- with your spouse, your kids, your siblings, your other relatives, your friends. It’s isolating and stressful. It’s too too much.
So yep, I haven’t made the progress I was hoping for as the one year mark approaches. 
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That is so hard. Try to be proud of being such a helpful daughter, despite the difficult circumstances. Note that it might not be too late to seek bereavement resources from hospice. I know they are all different, by my mom’s hospice offered family followup help for a year (or maybe more?) afterward.
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I know how much of yourself you devoted to your mom and how rarely you took time for yourself. I have no helpful words other than to say that I’d call the hospice and see what kinds of services you might still use. If that doesn’t work out, I’d see a private therapist as you have had to deal with a lot.
This is the first time, I think, that I’ve heard that your relationship with your mom was contentious growing up. You were so devoted for so long that I never would’ve known. (((hugs)))
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@psychmomma the progression you describe is exactly what my bereavement counselor recently said was “healthy” believe it or not. MY mother died before yours, and I did a one year check in so to speak. I told her I had had to suppress a lot of negative stuff about my mother in order to care for her. I expressed confusion at this mixture of missing her and some of these awful memories. I gather that feeling angry- at her, at my brothers, at myself, at medical people- is part of grief and somehow I found that reasuring.
I don’t know how you did what you did. My mother was in assisted living but I went daily because she refused the help she was paying for and was lost in space. But I could drive away at night. You had no break at all. I would expect all kinds of emotional after effects. One of mine is “Why the heck did I give so much of my life to her?” I expected it to be healing but honestly it was just tiring! For you, there was no choice but apparently for your siblings there was. Same for a lot of us!
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My anger is primarily at that awful disease for robbing my mom of the chance to be a “normal” mom. Her first stroke was when I was 13, so there were a lot of issues stemming from her altered personality back then. I was also the oldest so was expected to be perfect.
But I’m also angry with my siblings. Or maybe incredulous. How could they ignore their mother? For years? And now, they never mention her. I know I sound like I’m whining. I am. How do they all forget that although they lost close to nothing, I lost a prominent immediate family member! She was my fourth child! I took care of her daily personal needs longer than any of my own children (who grew into self-sufficient toddlers and teenagers).
I probably will call the counselor after Thanksgiving. Like probably most of us, I have days when I’m perfectly fine and well-adjusted. Some days just hit me sideways.
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