@Psychmomma, Of course you’re angry. You have ten years (and more) of things to be angry about. You sacrificed and put up with so much to care for your mom, not to mention the costs to your own family. A year wouldn’t be nearly enough to find clarity. Get outside and walk, let the cold air clear your head and get thee to a counselor or hospice bereavement group.
Know you did the right and honorable thing by your mom. Noone can take that from you.
@psychmomma the bereavement counselor gave me a road map, so to speak. My father died when I was 15 and I got completely lost in grief. I can’t emphasize enough how helpful it was with my mother’s death, to sort of see the road ahead and even hear “you are doing well” when I was feeling awful, seeing it as part of a process.
My ex had a stroke that changed his personality. I can’t imagine how disorienting that would be for a 13 year old, plus it sounds like that is when you became a caregiver.
Siblings are a continuing mystery. In your case, with what you did for your mom, even more so. There is a lot of sh-t to go through with this loss, no doubt, but you are doing it!
People on the caregiving forum were so helpful (we didn’t have this new thread!) by PM’ing that it took them 3 years, 4 years etc. and that also gave me more of a time frame to let the grief process unfold. Counselor said second year is the center of it and a time when both pain (and anger) and growth happen.
But would it have been the “wrong and dishonorable thing” if psychmomma hadn’t taken her mother in for 10 years?
@CountingDown that is an important point. I was so put off by all the comments about “what an angel” I was. I found them toxic and in some ways these comments could trap susceptible individuals (those of us with "elder daughter syndrome!).
The toxic thing was the assumption that females are better suited to this work. My brother said it was “in my DNA” and I responded “you mean my chromosomes?”
I had arguments with friends who felt I should be doing something more “meaningful” and others who said my mother didn’t deserve what I did for her. I was very defensive about caregiving, as if I was doing something wrong. Very complicated.
Thinking about this stuff continues in the second year after her death. One problem is that we, ourselves, become older so what ideas about freedom might have said those years ago aren’t as possible now (at least in my case).
Basically someone had to do it. I know I prolonged my mother’s life. Was that the right thing too?
I think it would be worrisome if you weren’t incredibly angry with your siblings, holy cow. And the other pile of emotions towards your mom also seem justified, if that helps at all. I have been listening to the show/podcast called Hidden Brain, which is doing an extended set of pieces on grieving. The notion of “stages” is valid for some, but not for all people. For a lot of people it’s like a box full of emotions that randomly shake one out every day.
Hoarding is awful, and traumatic. I think people who haven’t encountered a true hoarder – the mental illness, not just a packrat— can’t possibly comprehend the problems. We wanted to cry, we wanted to scream, we wanted to run away. (we threw out papers, there was no time to shred so you have my further admiration)
Get yourself the help you need when you can. Thank you for your honesty and the update
I felt like what I was doing was never enough. When it was hands on caregiving, I felt like I was neglecting my child and husband. When my mom was finally placed in a facility, guilt that I couldn’t keep her home. I turned down job offers during active caregiving and felt like I put my whole life on hold, and sacrificed my career.
It’s complicated!
Loved the ball and button analogy. Very apt.
Lost both my parents within a few weeks of each other (thanks Covid) in May 2021. Those last few months with them were both a blessing and a nightmare. I suffered (still suffer) from PTSD symptoms from that time. A friend lost her mom to Covid related complications recently and boy - did all those feelings come back, reminding me that I am not quite over it!
I couldn’t function, couldn’t talk to anyone for a few months after. I’d find myself crying unexpectedly, suddenly. Slowly as time went by, things started to ease up - but oh, it’s never gone. You learn to live with the grief. An aunt visited me recently and we had a mini cousins reunion - the first thing I wanted to do after is call my mom and talk to her. And then reality/grief hit.
So yes, the ball/button analogy definitely works for me.
Yes! People should realize this. I have read enough about what it’s like to know that this is the hardest caregiving situation of all. My situation was not comparable at all, since I did not take my mother in. I had it much, much, much easier
And @compmom I could not/would not have done what you did for your mother. The emotional toll would have been too high for me.
Our society still expects someone (usually a daughter) to take care of elderly parents. I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming years to handle all the Baby Boomers as they age.
@psychmomma’s situation was the hardest. I was in a support group and saw that in many members. I took an art class and tai chi (before COVID) and those who had taken the person in their home, spouse or parent, couldn’t even easily come to our meeting.
I had a situation with a child that entailed not leaving the house much so I know that part a little, but it didn’t include the heavy duties of caregiving that @psychmomma had.
I am not sure the people I know give themselves adequate credit and sometimes in the midst of it people don’t even seem to know they have a lot on their plate. Instead they seem to feel they were not doing enough. I said, frequently, “You have a lot on your plate.”
The leader would ask the person what they did for themselves and the answer would be “I try to walk around the block once a day” or something like that.
Similar to when people frequently say to me, “You’re so strong!” Uh, no… But somebody has to do it.
It seems in most families there is someone (typically a daughter) who steps up to be the primary caregiver and the other sibs either do nothing or they try to be armchair quarterbacks. I have a good friend here who is the primary caretaker for her mom, even though one of her brothers also lives in town, and the other brother is an hour or so away, the brothers do nothing. When my friend is out of town she either has to get her kids to help with their grandmother or she gets some who live near her mom to take care of her. It’s so unfair. I had the same issue with my dad, who I cared for long distance for 7 years. I handled all issues, including getting a case manager, caregivers, etc because he didn’t want to move and live about 900 mi away. I did a lot of flying back and forth. My brother lives much closer (about 200 mi from where dad was) but he was useless, did nothing, and on the very rare occasion when he showed up unannounced he was either completely unhelpful or downright destructive in what he did (manipulative, stressed out dad, etc). The caregivers and neighbors would call me when that happened. So for those of you who have helpful or supportive sibs, count your blessings!
You have every right to be angry! And incredulous. Knowing your story makes ME incredulous, and I don’t even know your family. You probably sacrificed part of your youth to help mother them… and then you carried all the load for her last years. Good for you for recognizing the stress of it all and considering a counselor.
Having my mom in my home was hard but I did have it better than many! In an online group I’m in, many of the people are caring for a spouse and have no backup. No kids nearby and no friends they can count on. I also know it’s a ton of work to oversee, even if you aren’t the physical caregiver. During the hospice weeks, I spent hours every day visiting and going back and forth. @compmom went above and beyond for years! None of it is easy and it’s all hard in different ways.
My husband was not hands-on with my mom, but he was home in the mornings so I could walk around my neighborhood, run an errand, or occasionally go hiking really early before she woke up. I also used respite twice for self-care- fabulous girls trips that I’ll cherish forever. Those breaks showed me that I should have been doing that regularly during the hardest years. (I’m also a control freak, which made it harder to trust that someone else’s care would be up to par.)
One thing I found odd in the early months was how guilty I felt going out with my husband. We had not gone out - to eat, a movie, an event- alone together in years. While he was excited to start doing things again, I felt horribly guilty for having “fun”. Because the reason I could have fun was because my mom was no longer with me, and that felt wrong.
I finally got over that, but boy are emotions complicated!
Not everyone has the opportunity to be a caregiver. I have never experienced that, and I truly struggle with how to be supportive of friends who have done or are doing it. I do understand how to offer tangible help. What I mean is not having a clue how to offer emotional support. To be honest, I have a weird, “survivor’s guilt,” about not having done it. I don’t know what it’s like.
As an only with an only, I also don’t know how to offer emotional support to friends who struggle with sibling relationships. I simply can’t relate.
Providing some conversation about fun things beyond the day to day grind of caregiving is great. Constant worry and talking about your own problems as a caregiver is not stress relief and it’s nice to know there is life beyond your shrunk world. And if you live next door then simply moving the garbage cans or getting milk from the grocery store is nice.
For me, just being willing to listen as I blow off steam.
Just knowing somebody cares enough to ask how I’m doing means a lot.
Nope, it wouldn’t be dishonorable in my book. I’m an eldest sister, but I’m 600 miles away and there’s a LOT of backstory. My middle sister is the local one, and she has been dealing with my dad. I’d be glad to pay bills or arrange caregiving from a distance, but my dad refuses to relinquish that control to anyone.
If I can’t help my dad, I support my sibs instead. They are better humans than I am.
I have endless admiration for psychmomma. I couldn’t have done what she so graciously did, and at such a high personal cost.
You are in no possible way a lesser human than your siblings! You’ve been through enormous challenges of your own that others can’t possibly imagine.
You’ve offered help and your dad won’t accept it. The fact that you support your siblings in whatever way they will accept is of enormous value.
I think most in my spot just want sibs to offer some form of support, and to ask us how we’re holding up once in a while.
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