Oh @arisamp I could have written this word for word! I do feel like I have PTSD symptoms (no disrespect to service members who suffer) from all the many complications over the years I had to deal with in caring for them. And although intellectually I know it was easier on my dad to never know mom died first, he would have been tormented to be alone, it is brutal to lose them both and have no one to grieve with who was as close to them as I was.
I have a couple friends who are embarking on caring for their aging parents and it is definitely giving me flashbacks. I feel like I have a lot of helpful information but I also want to run screaming from the conversations some times because it is so hard.
So many thoughts and feelings reading this thread. My mother lived with us for 10 years, too, had pretty bad dementia the last few years and was, overwhelmingly, emotionally dependent on me from the time Dad died. She did not drive, she really had no local life at all so watched my family like a reality show.
My DH was delightfully wonderfully supportive & was the one who invited her to move in. She was unrelentingly needy.
My siblings were surprisingly (to me at the time) unhelpful. They all did stuff, now & again, at my behest…no, at my begging. Even their help was minimally helpful as it was such a big deal to make it happen.
She died right before Covid hit and that timing was great. I was to angry and exhausted to want to see anyone anyway. It was a relief to wallow & feel my feelings.
I knew the last few years of caregiving were overwhelming. I knew there was no time to think about how I felt, but I had not realized the depth of feelings I was pushing down.
I think the hardest thing for me is that person who lived with my was not. my wonderful lovely mother, it was a usurper. I still am struggling to find and automatically access the memories and fond feelings of my ‘real’ mother.
I am embarrassed to said this aloud, but here goes. I have hosted Thanksgiving for the last 25+ years, the last 6 at our townhome clubhouse after we downsized. We had any where between 20-32 people depending on who was in town, or visiting in laws instead. Last year I said to my husband that this was getting to be to much, dragging everything to the clubhouse and not being able to set up tables, chairs and everything until day of. While others would bring food, the set up, clean up and food prep while having the visiting children and grandkids in the house, was a lot and I would get grumpy running around.
We had the clubhouse reserved since the first of the year as it was important to my husband to host. Once he got sick this summer and then bedridden, I cancelled the clubhouse. After the funeral, my cousin said she was hosting; what I didn’t know at the time is she was also including my husband family, I assume it would be just our side this year. So she is having 27 tonight for early dinner to accommodate the littles bedtimes.
My guilt is, I am sitting here in my pjs, sipping coffee, and watching the Macy’s parade with 5 year old GD. My cousin didn’t want me to have to cook, so I am bringing the wine. My aunt just said I deserved the break and enjoy it as much as I can.
Congratulations on taking care of yourself first. Anyone should be able to see the good sense of your decision, and those who can’t …well, who could possibly not extend empathy in your situation?
My mom was offered many places for Thanksgiving and turned them all down because she wanted to be alone, and siblings and I decided she probably knew whatshe was up for better than onlookers, You are doing the best you can, in the worst of times. Sending you a virtual plate of cookies and a bottle of your favorite beverage. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Why do we feel guilt in these situations? You should not feel the slightest bit guilty!
Relieved to not be running yourself ragged, sure. Appreciative of the pj and coffee time with your GD, of course. But don’t feel guilty!
I’m glad your cousin stepped up! This will be a difficult set of holidays for you and your whole extended family. I’m glad you have that support.
I am also in my pjs, drinking coffee. I hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas for 24 years, until Covid. It was really hard the final few years to get everything plus my mom ready.
My sister is not able to travel this year, so we will go see her later for a bit.
If there is one thing I’m learning as I get older, it’s to be flexible and embrace time with family, in whatever location and form that may be.
I am feeling worse and worse now that December is here. Nobody actually asks how we are doing anymore (they’ve sent the cards, the casseroles, the flowers, they’re done) so I don’t have the opportunity to answer, and I don’t blame them…but I keep thinking I should get out and Do Things but the festive atmosphere (again, no blame) feels like nails on a chalkboard somehow and I feel like I will stick out, I worry I will cry and spoil things. (You know That Look people give as they scatter away from grief)
Mom is dragging her feet on spending Christmas Eve/Day with Preferred Sibling and his family but I think we can get her there. Me myself, I am wanting one of those “blue Christmas” services but my own church has a new pastor who doesn’t do those. Sigh.
Holidays can be soooo hard! Please feel free to use this thread to vent and talk.
FWIW, I wouldn’t worry about “shoulds” or making others feel uncomfortable with your truth. I’ve found that many of us pretend to get through the holidays but are really still grieving.
Our old church used to do a blue service of remembrance in between Christmas and NYE. I miss that too. What happens now is that I just silently cry through the service (or not so silently if we watch our old church’s live stream from our living room).
I spent hours writing notes thanking people yesterday. I think what was so hard was reading everything people said about Mom. It just made me miss her even more. I’m still working full time, I’m trying to get everything done, “perk up” for the holidays and I don’t even feel like I’ve had time to grieve. Everyone else has already moved on and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and scream at the unfairness of it all.
For about six months after my dad passed, I cried all the way to work every day. Then I’d pull it together and go into the office. Weirdly, I was grateful for that time away from my grief. But the sadness went on for a long time - more intermittent, but for years.
Give yourself grace. And time!! Crying over the notes, handling their things – it’s all part of the process of trying to drink in every last bit of them and of saying goodbye. It’s important – in whatever chunks of time work for you.
So many bereaved people in my life have found consolation in bereavement groups. Just a suggestion–with Zoom you can dip your toes in without leaving the house.
I had a hard time with bereavement groups though I did reach out to one person I am still in touch with a year+ later. I liked the one on one bereavement counseling. The group had a lot of younger people in it, sobbing, and all I could think of was my own children losing me! Also I caught myself trying to take care of everyone
When my dad died, it was under tragic circumstances and I could not deal with life-kids were 2 and 4, I was 34. I sobbed in the shower every morning before the kids got up. My H wanted to help, but still had both parents and was a “fixer” that couldn’t fix this.
About three months later, while I was still not doing well, I saw an ad in our local paper about a bereavement group that was meeting nearby. I impulsively decided to go one evening, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Everyone was in the same club. We’d all lost a significant figure in our lives within a few months, and most of us did not have support people who could relate and understand our ongoing pain. I think I attended weekly for about six months before reaching a decision that I could not give or receive much more help from the group. Somehow sharing the grief process with others helped in feeling understood and less alone.
I can relate to nobody asking how you’re doing any more. Same here. I just spent a 24 hour period crying almost non-stop during my awake hours triggered by an unrelated issue, but the emotions pouring out were all about mom. Sigh. (I’m fine today, apparently needed to let that out.)
I have been on the caregiving forum about taking care of my 95 year old mother w/dementia. Since this thread is about bereavement, I will come out and say that my father committed suicide when I was 15. There was no help whatsoever. My mother didn’t even tell the school. No counseling, no bereavement group, no change in expectations, and of course my friends didn’t understand. My mother was way way worse than no help. I went to the beach everyday and cried there.
In many ways my father’s death derailed my own life, Without any help at the time, I had trouble pursuing success or even happiness. It is a wonderful thing that bereavement groups are now offered. But I had trouble, to be honest, because a lot of participants were talking about losing their fathers and that raised too many ghosts for me when I was simultaneously grieving my mother.
Now, later in life, I want to delve a little more into the loss of my father: his story, my loss, and somehow come to understand more. My kids are grown and well and so delving a little would not impact them. I welcome suggestions.
My father was in a mental hospital in Jamaica Plain, MA in 1966, in April and May. He died in late September. Mass Mental has closed. There are a few other possible hospitals as well. I would love to research his records and write about it but not sure how.
I don’t have any real advice to give, Compmom, except to say that since you are feeling ready to explore this now, you should. It’s heartbreaking to think of letting a teenager deal with such a tragic event with so little help and support! The grief doesn’t go away especially if you’ve never had a chance to really express it, and you can see that in the way your grief over your father keeps coming out as you grieve the loss of your mother. Suicide is is traumatic enough even without the burden of silence surrounding it. Sending virtual hugs.
This is,such a burden to have had put on you and to have carried for so long. Hugs to you.
One of my dearest friends lost a younger sister to drowning when my friend was quite young, and their mom had so little ability to cope that my friend just “stepped up” becoming the perfect student, perfect sister, perfect child and in many ways, the emotional adult in the family. As an adult, she comes across as exceptionally capable and resilient.
It wasn’t until she was about 30 that she decided to talk to a therapist about it, only to uncover how this had impacted her relationship with not only her family members, but others as well. It’s never too late to go back, and often, it’s a relief to untangle that ball of feelings that just hangs out, especially if it seems unresolved . It also takes courage. Wishing you strength.
