<p>--It's getting to be that time to send in my applications and my english teacher completely panned my essay in front of the whole class..I was proud of it, however, Im looking for different opinions..</p>
<pre><code>Staring through the dark tinted window of the limousine, I am gazing at the alluring flashes from the paparazzos cameras, and listening to the crowd as they gather themselves tightly around the velvet ropes. The carpet I am about to set foot on is perhaps the most famous and prestigious red carpet in the world. The whole scene is entirely breath-taking and surreal. How I, an Average Joe from Rhode Island, am mingling with the biggest names in Hollywood as they pose for the cameras before making our grand entrance to the most coveted awards ceremony in the movie industry, blows my mind away. Of course, in true Oscar fashion, the clothes that I am wearing are nothing short of intimidating and are incredibly expensive. Peering over to my costar and date for the evening; I observe as she takes one more sip of her beverage and gives me a reassuring smile. She has clearly done this whole song and dance many times before I could tell just by the way she calmly smiled. Everything was absolutely perfect. My costar delivered a smile I had been working on in the mirror for the past hour without giving it a single thought. I turn my head back towards the window; towering behind the crowd stands the front façade of the infamous Kodak Theatre. A giant gold curtain drapes to the left of the entrance and on the other side, stands a life-sized replica of an Oscar. I reach for the cool metallic handle of the limousine door and slowly pull the handle until I hear the faint sound of the door click open. Closing my eyes as I inhale a cool composed breath I swing open the door. Lights from the cameras proceed to blind me while unfamiliar sounds of hundreds of snapping photos, reporters shouting and girls screaming fill my ears. I shield my eyes in an effort to get a hold of myself. Making my way through the flashing lights, I reach for the cool metallic handle of the grand door and pull as hard as I can. Golden light stretched far out from the inside and I confidently step in allowing the yellow haze to consume my being.
The path of a professional speaker is the same as a garage band: You start off doing local gigs for nothing so that you can build a name for yourself professionally, and you gradually work up to bigger gigs that pay. When the big event does take place, all of the attention is on you and your message. That is what I wish to accomplish. Another advantage is gained by the fact that people naturally assume that if youre standing in front of the room with something to say, you must know what youre talking about and, therefore, you must be the expert. I am not calling myself an expert but I aspire to be. Keynote Speakers, Actors, Journalists, Teachers and Politicians have always stood out to me as persons of importance. Whether my ultimate dream to be nominated for an Oscar comes true or not, where ever I go, public speaking will be a part of it.
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<p>P.S the title is ‘A Night to Premember’ if you have any other title suggestions thatd be nice too :)</p>
<p>While I wouldn’t pan it in front of a class, I’m leaning towards agreeing with your English teacher here.</p>
<p>Grammatical things:
-you keep switching between present and past tense.
-the first few sentences feel very staccato and repetitive; try mixing up sentence length/structure.
-“She has clearly done this whole song and dance many times before I could tell just by the way she calmly smiled” is missing a bunch of commas.
-“and I confidently step in allowing the yellow haze to consume my being” is missing some commas too, and doesn’t really flow well with the rest of the essay.
-Don’t say “you” in the last paragraph.
-“where ever I go” should be “wherever”.</p>
<p>Content things:
-What exactly is this essay saying about you? It seems really superficial. Rather than talk about the importance of being a good influence, or spreading inspirational messages or whatever, you focus on fancy clothes and being surrounded by celebs. I don’t think any admissions officers are really going to be seduced by that.
-The first paragraph takes up WAY too much of the essay. You’re basically just describing a scene at the Oscars, not yourself.
-I’m not quite sure what you’re saying that you aspire to be. A public speaker? An actor? Why do those people stand out as important?</p>
<p>I know it’s a litle late to start from scratch but this needs some reevaluation. Good luck!</p>
<p>Rebeccar is spot on. I was going to type up my critique, but I decided that it would be redundant. All three points she makes about the content were the same three concerns I had.</p>
<p>I don’t get it. You start off talking about how you’re a famous actor at the Oscars, but you never say that you want to be in acting. Is this supposed to reveal something about yourself–everybody dreams of being a movie star–what makes you DIFFERENT?</p>
<p>Then, with no transition, you talk about being a public speaker. Sure, maybe you want to be a speaker, but have you spoken? Are you on speech team? What have you done to tell the admissions people, “I’ve done this because I’m interested in speech”? This tells nothing about you. I don’t know your personality, work ethic, anything. I just know you daydream about being a movie star and want to be a speaker. You talk about speakers, but not yourself. And WHY, dammit, do you want to be a speaker? Do you like the thrill of being in front of a crowd, hanging on to your every word? Where would this take you?</p>
<p>Nix the first paragraph. It says absolutely nothing about you. If the question was “What’s your dream? Describe it,” then you’d be fine. Otherwise, nix it. It’s your CommonApp one, right? It says nothing about you. Nix the first paragraph, the second one is the only one that says anything about YOU.</p>
<p>Last, (I may be completely wrong) I could’ve sworn I’ve seen the line “Another advantage is gained by the fact that people naturally assume that if you’re standing in front of the room with something to say…you must be the expert.” somewhere else. I’m not saying directly it’s plagiarized, but… </p>
<p>I’m sorry if I’m coming off as a hardass, but it’s the truth. All of my essays took at least 5-6 drafts, sometimes taking up as much as 20. My Northwestern essay (which got me accepted) took me 20 drafts at least. Plenty of times during my college search I’ve had to delete my entire paper and start anew. This is one of those times.</p>
<p>No offense, but I think you should scrap it and start again, maybe heading in a different direction. Agree with all the posts above.</p>