Hi all. I’ll be a senior this coming school year, and so I’ve been looking at colleges. I’ve been looking forward to living a “college lifestyle” (out of the house/dorm/on my own) for practically forever. I’m pretty good academically (straight A’s, college courses, good SAT score), and I know for a fact I am an independent person by nature and I can be mature and care for myself. With that being said, I live in the Midwest. I dislike it a lot & I’ve wanted to live in California literally since I was 11 (when I learned what it was) for many reasons, not just because it’s California. and so I’ve decided I want to a college there (life’s too short to not do some things).
However, I haven’t talked to my parents about any of this. I hate opening up, especially about stuff I know they’ll be upset over and lecture me on for days. They are Christians, as I am a Christian as well. I’m not wanting to rebel, I just want to be on my own. They are very, very overprotective. They hate talking about anything big or ““complicated,”” so we haven’t really talked about college stuff yet. What they have mentioned though, is that they want me to work a couple years, go to a community college a year at a time, all while living at home. They’ve also been saying that they don’t want me living in a dorm among all this. They are very traditional and close minded, and ever since I was little they’ve begged me never to move more then 15 minutes away.
So with all that being said, I’m terrified. Not of being on my own, but of telling them my plans. I love them dearly, but I can’t keep living in the same house as them, or in the middle of no where. I want to make them happy, but I know at the end of the day it’s my life, and I can’t worry about what others think. I know they won’t be around forever, and I don’t want to make them sad (I’m their only daughter). I’ve planned a lot, and I know I’ll stay in close contact with them (facetime, text, calling)and everything like that. But I don’t think that’ll make any difference to them.
I’ve known I’ve wanted to move far away for college for many years. & I’ve been dreading the day I have to tell them. But with applying to colleges in a few months, I sorta have to very soon here (paying for application fees). So how do I do it? (I’m not looking for anyone to convince to just stay close or compromise, but looking for tips, encouragement, help)
(Sorry for the practically essay oops lol)
thanks!
OK, here’s the first stumbling block, before we even tackle the “i want to live in a dorm” speech… finances.
Once you choose to go away to school, the odds are very high that the cheapest options will be your local state colleges or universities. They’re subsidized by the taxes your parents have been paying for ages, and will be your cheapest option.
California, on the other hand, is bound to be VERY Expensive!!! Aside from room and board and tuition, there’s the cost of going back and forth.
So you may want to start your move towards independence by looking at state schools.
Or, plan B: Christian colleges within a few hour’s drive. You may have better odds of convincing your parents that you’ll be making the right choices if you’re at a school whose philosophy more closely aligns with theirs.
I guess I’m suggesting small steps.
Going to school in CA will likely be super expensive. How would you pay for it? Your parents likely won’t, based on what you’ve said. You can move to CA after you get your degree in the Midwest, if you still have that desire and can afford the cost of living.
In the meantime, can you find a closer school that is affordable, perhaps a Christian school that you can present as a compromise? You might have better luck than something that is way far away.
Okay, now I see you don’t want talk about compromise, but I think it’s your only option.
We are Christian too, and my DD’19 wants to go “away”. She would love a Christian school but I don’t think they are in the budget. She will probably go to a small public. We visited one this week. There are two churches of our denomination next to the school, and we visited with the pastor of the one that does the college youth group. If you can research some things like that at a not-as-far school, maybe they will like your initiative and commitment to your faith.
Or maybe they will be completely against any option other than what they’ve already proposed but I honestly think you’ll be better off starting with something they might consider.
I agree with @bjscheel Please realize that college goes by Ricky Bobby fast… you can make your own independent decisions about CA when you are financially independent. My freshman daughter just said today she cannot BELIEVE that in a few short weeks she will be a sophomore.
I agree, you have to get them over the “sleep away at college” barrier first. You can move to CA after you graduate from college if you want to. What about colleges like Hope or Albion? Not sure where you are in the Midwest, though.
Before you talk about where you go to school you need to have the money talk with your parents. How much have they saved for your college eduction? How much are they able/willing to pay out of pocket? Will the cosign private loans for you?
It doesn’t sound like they plan to pay for a four college dorm experience. Once you’re 18 you can go anywhere you can afford. You need to start figuring out a plan that will be affordable for you. Remember you can only take out $5500 in student loans freshman year and room and board is going to run about $10,000+/- a year and then then there’s books, fees, transportation cost, and don’t for get about the tution.
What colleges in CA are you thinking you will apply to?
Out of state tuition in CA is triple the cost for in-state…that’s not including the cost of living, which is even worse. The only way I can think of is to get an ROTC scholarship and work part time to pay for your living expenses. The downside is that you owe the government military service. One thing to remember, once you graduate, you have 70 years left of your life and you can move as much as you want!
As adults, we have the perspective of knowing you have so much time to move to California when you graduate. I know it is hard because you want it now. I might guess that Cali is a standin for your desire to get out under the thumb of your parents.
Do know that when you are 18, you can do whatever you want. You just won’t have any resources/money at that time.
I personally think that an optimum strategy is to negotiate you going to college closer to home rather than leaving the state. They may prefer to retain some power over you rather than none.
Options:
-
Get a scholarship that pays for everything so your parents don’t have to. here are ideas…http://automaticfulltuition.yolasite.com/ but it depends on your GPASAT/ACT
-
Look at Christian oriented colleges nearer by.
-
Try to get them to pay for Community College right away
-
Join the armed forces…you get paid, you get out of their control, and you earn money for college
-
Apply to colleges in California…but they will end up being too expensive.
-
Apply to your in-state public schools.
So I would suggest signing up for the SAT/ACT asap if you haven’t already. use Khan Academy online to help you study.
When you bring up colleges, look up any Christian clubs/nearby churches and talk to them about them. if they have women’s dorms, mention those. Talk about how you want to call them often etc.
See which colleges near you that are at least affiliated with a church that you would go to. Then apply to a Cali school, your state schools, and the christianish schools. Hopefully they will be happy with the christianish schools if those are the other choices…
talk to your guidance counselor about your situation. Your parents need to knwo that all colleges expect parents to pay for college. Maybe let them know if they won’t let you go to Community College at least then you will be moving out as soon as possible.
So basically compromise with them but call their bluff. Up until now they have had complete control over you. Now you are 18 and the only control they have is college $.
Think of this compromise as the “work” that you need to do to be able to go to college.
First of all, I think that you should talk to your parents and get a ballpark idea as to what you/they can reasonably expect to afford for undergraduate. There is a huge, humongous difference between the cost of attending the local community college while working PT and attending an OOS college thousands of miles away. Maybe there is a middle ground in between those two extremes that could satisfy you both?
The one thing that you have not mentioned is your area of study. What are you hoping to major in? That is the main purpose of going to college - getting a college degree!
You also should consider the logistics involved in going to a school far away from home. How much will travel back and forth cost for not just you but for your parents and possibly even your younger siblings? Think about how difficult it will be to get all of your stuff to a far away location. Even if you choose to buy items once you’re at the school (like a microwave, rug, coffee pot, etc) what do you plan to do with that stuff at the end of the school year? Will you put it in storage? Ship it back home? Toss it? You won’t be able to sell it, no one will want to buy it - they’ll be clearing out their own dorms. Also, what would happen if you had an emergency or your family had an emergency and it took a day or more to get a flight back to each other? How would you handle dental appointments? What if you chip a tooth or need an emergency root canal?
You’ll only be 18 years old and your parents would need to be 100% on board with your plans in order to make this all work out - at least at college. As @bopper suggested if you want complete freedom from your parents and the opportunity to travel maybe joining the armed forces is the way to go.
Good luck with your future plans. It is good that you are thinking all of this through now.
I will attempt to answer the question you are asking.
Your parents know nothing of your radical plans (radical to their way of thinking). You have never spoken up with thoughts and feelings of wanting to explore, travel, experience life in another state far away.
So you need to speak up in small ways, over time, and say out loud some of your hopes and dreams. I would caution you not to mention California specifically at first. Talk in vague words about travel, or seeing other regions of the country.
Money is one way out of your house. Money from your parents, money from scholarships, money from relatives, or money you earn from work and save. Right now, your parents have control of their money, and they have told you how they plan to spend their money to pay for your education.
You can work slowly to try to change their minds, using church friends or family relatives. Have conversations with these trusted people. Again, do not mention California, but talk about your longing to experience life outside your town.
Having a detailed education plan, and a future job field targeted will make your radical plan seem less crazy. A major that is not commonly offered locally is a more valid reason to move away.
Education is another path to your freedom. Can you take community college classes starting this fall in your senior year? What kind of work do you think you want to do after college? Can you get a summer job that trains you in your intended field of study?
You may have to compromise with your education plans. Once you are having open, honest communication, If they shoot down your plans to move away after high school, throw in a compromise. Would they let you live with another family they know, maybe someone has a garage apartment or basement space you could live in while you attend community college. Maybe after a year of that kind of independence, you could ask about transferring to a college within a one to two hour drive?
I encourage you to think outside the box on this. What are other ways you could stretch your wings? Work as a camp counselor at a Christian camp outside your state? Work as a Nanny or tutor for a family on their vacation somewhere far away? Intern on a ranch that keeps you away from home 15 hours a day this summer?
You want independence, and yet you need your parents to support you. If you want to forgo education, you can find a job and leave home right after high school.
The main point I see is that you have been too scared to be honest with parents about your hopes and dreams. And now it is almost too late to spring those dreams on them. There are no magic words to instantly change their minds.
Are you the oldest child in your family? If not, how did your parents treat your older siblings? Are they counting on their only daughter to take care of them in old age?
If you can list your GPA/test scores, posters can comment on possible scholarship opportunities. Give us your home state, as there are some states that reciprocate with lower tuition for their neighboring states.
What is your goal for future career? That is a meaningful piece of information that can help others help you.
Think in Baby Steps for your independence. Being able to pay your own way gives you leverage to get out on your own. If you are inclined towards healthcare, you may be able to take EMT courses at community college. EMTs are needed everywhere. Dental Hygienists can be trained at community college, and you can find a job around the country. Look at what is offered at your local community college, and see if any of these highly employable programs appeal to you.
I am rooting for you to succeed in your quest for independence. I am asking you to adjust your focus, and to at least try to see other paths that might also lead you to the independence you are seeking.
You need to research specifics for college costs before you get into deep conversations with your parents. They need to know you have done some work on this dream of yours. College websites will have tuition, room and board costs. Add transportation costs, books, and personal expenses. After you borrow the federal student loan limit, figure out how much more money you will need to pay your college bills. Do this for several California colleges, as well as for your own state schools. Throw in some Christian colleges as well.
Dig deep into each college, call or email admissions counselors, email professors in your area of interest. Be able to speak to your parents with concrete examples of why XYZ college interests you. Do not harp on why you must escape your hometown and everything your parents believe in. Speak in positive terms of how an education at a specific school will improve your future.
Anyone want to make a bet if OP will reply? She seems to MIA.
What are your test scores?
Donouvhave a job, savings?
I see two possibilities: Christian/Christian affiliated colleges, such as Hope and Wheaton IL, as well as St Olaf, Luther, Illinois Wesleyan (Notre Dame if they consider Catholic universities ‘Christian’. )
Pepperdine is in California BTW. Cal Baptist, Cal Lutheran, St Mary’s, Westmontw PLNU also. But because so many kids want to go to California, they probably wont give you financial aid.
Second possibility: full ride scholarships, either automatic for stats or competitive.
Your parents may appreciate the spiritual growth only a Christian college can bring.
If they don’t, the fullride scholarship allows out to go wherever you want.
For now, don’t bring up California. Talk to your youth pastor and mention you’d like to attend a Christian college such as w or z (one in state, one in a nearby state). Be ready to give one point as to why it’d be better spiritually than cc. Just one because you don’t want to use up all your points at once. ( It’s going to be long. ) The next time you see your youth pastor ask for spiritual guidance because you worry your parents may not approve or may not have enough money. If the youth pastor is on your side, he’ll support your choice but he may well side with your parents (obedience v. faith). You need to know whether you’ll have an ally.
Report back here forever further help. We’re rooting for you :).
I have checked into details, and I’m eligible for a good amount of financial aid. Besides that, I’ve been working on scholarships lately and have been saving for a while. So I do understand it’s very expensive.
Where are you eligible for a good amount of financial aid? You do realize that your parents will need to cooperate and complete the financial aid application forms…right?
So…what colleges?
And really…you need to get accepted to get that aid…so where are you guaranteed acceptance and guaranteed huge aid in CA?
I can’t think of one school where admission would be a slam dunk for anyone that meets full need for all in CA.
An issue is that being eligible doesnt man the college will give you what you need (there are about 80 colleges that do, out of 3,400).
And getting that financial aid requires parents’ signature and cooperation.
The main scholarships come.from colleges and each college decided how to allocate that. Then federal money (Stafford loansw Pell Grants, work study). Then, State Grants (not ll states offer this).
So:
What’s your EFC?
What are your stats?