Tell my chances please!!!

<p>ok im freaking out, i know i am stupid, and yes, i know i have no shot at any schools, but what would you guys recommend plzzzz!!!! here are my crappy stats.</p>

<p>GPA: its enffable, its what we call the ubermench of GPA's. the cyberdemon of doom, the aryan race hitler had orgasms about (by the way, i do not condone hitlers actions, it was condemable, and deplorable).
SATs: 24.........million/2400 yes, i answered the bonus questions on the back of the SAT booklet.........what you guys didn't check?
SAT II's: Well i didnt take the subject tests, ie, the history, spanish, and such because.........well........ i am teach these subjects already as an professor. yea bummer i know guys, at least i have emeratus status.......ehhh i am such a loser.</p>

<p>EC's:
1. i play for the NFL. Yes, the renown National Football League, i played for the Baltimore Ravens. i won them superbowl 2000. YAY!!!! now i know your all thinking, i am such a loser, i will never get to play for varsity or junior, but hey.... at least i am trying my best.
2. ehhh cured cancer
3. pulitzer prize (i know crappy)
3. Grammy Award. the song i recieved the grammy for was "Two steps forward, i take 30 steps back and i am out the door to the nearest doctors office because you gave me VD maan!!! thats not cool man, thats not cool."
4. an oscar. the film went to "The triumph of the NOT willing" and "Divine Secrets of the Na-Na Sisterhood, take that for steeeelen my maan"
5. discovered penicilen
6. caught john wilkes booth (oohh i hope its not to sooon, yikes!)
7. stood up at agianst the commy's at tianamen square (dont ask)
8. persuaded wilson to form the Federal Reserve
9. participated in an alien autopsy at area - 51.....(ooooh myy good, i think 5 black bulletproof SUV's just parked outside my door.......o hell, while i am at, FDR didnt stand for Franklin Delano Roosevelt, lets just say it stood for his alien name....Franklin Delano Rooseveltalien)
10. Noble Prize in ....Peace(in the middleeast), physics(Einstien stole my ideas) and Economics(greenspann damnn youuuuuuuu.....................youuuuuu!!!!)
11. also i killed a bear with my own hands.........................................not sure if this counts for anything.................maybe the Kill A Bear With Your Hands Association might or better known as the acronym (KABWYH)</p>

<p>now i know your all laughing at how crappy my stats are but please remember i am only trying to better my self. now i much appreaciate anyone telling my chances at these ..fine.....institution:
Community College of Beaver County
Community College of Baltimore County
Chaffey Community College
Mount St. Mary's College
Glendale Community College
i know, i know, i set the bar to high. my father went to Glendale CC maybe i might be admitted as a legacy. please i need your help CCers.
And one last thing, God Bless America.</p>

<p>Ditto: Any belligerent remarks about this thread is unamerican.</p>

<p>I was going to say something, but then I forgot what I wanted to say. I feel stupid now. Oh well.</p>