I was paired with a random roommate my first semester transferring from a community college. I feel like I tried my hardest to get along with her, but we just don’t get along. She does nothing but sleep (I’ve seriously never seen anyone sleep this much, and it’s seriously frustrating when your trying to do things like microwave or watch tv) doesn’t clean out the sink, take out the trash, put her clothes away, or clean the toilet. I could deal with all of that but when she said my boyfriend couldn’t visit that was it. I felt like she had no right to tell me I couldn’t have visitors and I told her he was coming anyways. Since he spent the weekend we haven’t talked in a week. How can I survive the rest of the semester without going crazy?
The semester’s almost over. You don’t need to be buds, just to coexist. Clean on your own, as much as you can stand doing. Switch rooms for the spring.
And don’t force unwanted visitors on people. It’s rude. You wouldn’t want to be treated like that either.
Seek out another roommate for next semester.
And many roommates would not want a boyfriend for an overnight visit.
- Your roommate doesn’t have to be your friend
- She can sleep all she wants
- If it is during the day, you should go about your business in your room
- If you are concerned about how much she is sleeping, you could go to your RA and say “I wanted to get your advice…my roommate sleeps from 1:00pm to 8am. Is it okay for me to watch TV anyway? Also I am concerned that she doesn’t clean the sink or put her clothes away…I hope she is feeling okay” that lets the RA know that maybe something is amiss with your roommate.
- Go ahead and use the microwave
- Use headphones with the TV
How to solve roommate problems:
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Think about the reasonableness of your request. Not having the light on until 3:00am is reasonable. Not being able to keep the light on all day because your roommate never gets out of bed isn’t.
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Take steps to ameliorate the situation yourself, if possible.
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Discuss issue with Roommate. Say that you would like to talk about how to handle cleaning because not cleaning the sink/clothes trash is not going to work.
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See if roommate is compromising…No, she doesn’t do anything.
5)Think about what you want to the end result to be…that works for both of you. For example: Clean sink after you use it, clothes off the floor, take turns taking out trash. -
Go to RA. State the issue, state that you have talked to roommate (because they will ask), state that you have tried other steps (like eyemasks) and ask for help in resolving the situation. “RA, I would like to get your advice on figuring out a resolution to an issue I am having with my roommate. .”
Most likely they will come up with a roommate contract for you both to sign.
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Follow the contract…and if your roommate doesn’t, then go back to the RA. If your roommate retaliates, go back to the RA.
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If RA doesn’t follow through or is useless, see if there is a different RA in your building. If not, go to the Housing office. Explain you have gone through the “chain of command”…that is, you talked to your roommate and then the RA but the issue still exists.
Re: Boyfriends in the room…You pay for the room and she pays for the room. Your boyfriend does not. It is reasonable for her to not want him to visit. It is also reasonable for a boyfriend to visit for a weekend, but she should be able to veto it. If you do have him over, try to spend as much time out of the room and don’t have sexy times when she is in the room. I imagine this is difficult for you if she never leaves.
Your roommate is totally within her rights to not want a man in the room. She pays for the room too, and is completely allowed to veto a male visitor. You did yourself no favors by bringing your boyfriend to your room against her wishes. There are hotels for that.
Having said that, it sounds like she is a bit of a slob. Endure the slobbiness and move to a new room at the end of the semester.
Would she also be within her right to not want females in the room too?
Yes
There might be an additional layer to not wanting male visitors, but female visitors can be an imposition too, if you value your alone time / privacy or don’t trust the people not to steal your stuff.
So why would the roommate’s right to restrict guests supersede the other roommate’s right to have guests, when they are both paying an equal share of the room?
@labegg There are no rights to have guests.
@labegg, I don’t think there is a “right” to have guests in a dorm room. If one of the roommates is not comfortable with the other having a guest, then it’s unfortunate but I think that it’s that person’s right to say no. I think this is why roommate agreements are so important. Is it kind of crappy to say no, your friend from home can’t stay overnight in our room? Yes. Is it “normal” to do that? Probably not. But I think they probably have the right to say no.
^I agree. And I think they can even say, “Girls are OK but boys aren’t - I’m just not comfortable with it.”
Roommate who sleeps all the time and will not clean is being unfair in my opinion limiting the roomates ability to do normal things. So while the boyfriend may have been an imposition not cleaning and permanently in bed is one as well and a daily one.
I have never heard of a roommate being able to veto visition from friends except in the middle of the night in certain dorms.
Some schools have the explicit rule that roommates have veto powers at all times. Including mine, as it turns out: https://studentaffairs.psu.edu/reslife/cs_studentfaq.shtml#guests
Actually, some universities state in their Housing Policy that students have a right to host guests (example - Auburn). although an overnight guest is based on approval of all roommates. So which right supercedes? The right to host guests or the right to veto?
IMO, the exclusion of a guest based solely on gender is sexist. (Although, I whole heartedly believe there is an an implicit expectation to not having to tolerate your roommate’s …for lack of a better term…“romantic interludes”.)
If you value your privacy/alone time or distrust people to the extent that you feel it necessary to restrict a roommates occasional guests, then perhaps dorm living or at least room sharing, is not something that you should be considering. I don’t think it is at all unreasonable to have an overnight guest, 1-3 times in a semester, even a boyfriend/girlfriend. Absolutely, should an “occasional” guest become a “third roommate”, we are talking about an entirely different matter
Of course a roommate agreement is a necessity and if an acceptable contract to both parties cannot be reached a new living arrangement is the only solution. It’s too bad that these two roommates seem to be playing a passive/aggressive game to resolve their issues, but not unexpected at the age…although I am not sure who committed the more egregious violation in this case, the roommate who refuses to clean up after themselves (a cleanly room also a “right” at some sc or the roommate who hosted a guest.
@labegg Although an overnight guest is based on the approval of all roommates. Obviously, any roommate can object and therefore no overnight guests.
Did she actually complain about the microwave and TV? When my roommates napping and I wanna do routine things I go ahead and do them and she never said anything. Same when I’m napping. Also I don’t think her clothes should bother you that much. As for the chores do you guys have a schedule? Does she know that you expect her to do these things. It is her right to say no to the boyfriend and theres a chance even the most considerate roommate would, but I get why you’re angry. Doing more work makes you feel like you have more of a right to the room. Talk to her about splitting chores and when she’s sleeping go about your normal routine whether that includes cleaning watching TV or microwaving-- just don’t be obnoxious about. If she says something explain that you have things you need/like to do during the day and you’ll try to keep it quiet but you have to live there too.
We did sign a roommate agreement, and I put on it that I would be allowed visitors (including my boyfriend) when prior notice was given. She signed it. I’ve gone home every weekend because I feel unwelcome in my own room and people can’t visit me… when my boyfriend did visit, we were completely respectful and we’re barely in the room and did nothing sexual around her
We signed the agreement at the beginning of the semester, by the way