<p>I feel it lacks cohesion/voice. Any input would be greatly appreciated. </p>
<p>Prompt: Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?</p>
<p>If it was up to me, I would never go to sleep. Unfortunately, no amount of caffeine I drink can counter my biological necessities and, as a result, I strive to fill every waking moment with a meaningful experience before succumbing to that inconvenient nightly hiatus.
It seems fitting that my college search has led me to the University of Pennsylvania, a school bursting with life and energy every waking moment. Its enthusiastic student body and proximity to the city will always be a source of inspiration.
At the moment, I plan to major in the universitys nationally recognized international relations program. In addition, learning languages is a passion of mine, and I plan on continuing my study of French at U Penn while hopefully beginning a few more. This ambition will include spending a summer in the French immersion program offered in Tours, France.
It is difficult to say what extracurricular paths I take at U Penn. For now, I plan on continuing my participation with student activism by joining the universitys Amnesty International club. I will certainly continue with Model United Nations, a club I was fortunate to discover this year. In addition, I couldnt imagine not joining U Penns student paper, The Daily Pennsylvanian, as I feel journalism offers the best window into a community. Reconnecting with nature is also an important part of my life and I anticipate taking part in the universitys Outdoor Adventure programs, giving me a break from crazy city life. However, Im willing to take my chances with new clubs and organization at the University of Pennsylvania; Im sure not matter where I end up, I will be surrounded by inspiring and motivated peers.</p>
<p>“I’m sure not matter where I end up”
I believe you mean “no”* :)</p>
<p>I think you could try adding 1 more sentence at the end and wouldn’t mind, if you have space, for more of a clincher, if you felt like it. Just tie back somehow to the coffee/staying awake thing, whether with a joke or reference or deep insight. This really adds to an essay’s cohesion, and you have no insecurities on coherency if you can tie it all together like that.</p>
<p>^^I agree, although I do have my doubts that somehow who genuinelly wanted to get into XYZ college would be stupid enough to plagiarize someone else’s essay. Although certainly, its much better to air on the side of caution.</p>
<p>I think the problem is a lack of cohesion (not necessarily a lack of voice), it sounds a bit like a laundry list. Also I disliked the “couldn’t imagine not…”. Perhaps a better alternative could sound a bit like “I couldn’t imagine a Penn experience without being a part of the Daily Pennsylvanian…” or something like that. For some reason, I have an aversion to “could not imagine not…” it just sounds awkward and is a double negative. But other than that, I thought it was good and I didn’t think it lacked voice at all.</p>
<p>But of course, these are just suggestions and might not be good/you might prefer your essay without them!</p>
<p>are admission’s essays checke for plagarism though? it seems kind of hard to check for such things isn’t it? I realised that, me and my classmate both wrote something similar for another college’s admission essay…so does this mean that we are screwed?</p>
<p>They aren’t “checked for plagiarism” per se, but admissions officers are definitely going to notice if they’re reading just about the same thing twice.</p>
<p>There’s a difference between two essays being similar in ideas, and two essays being similar in “writing style/words”; the earlier being very common and the latter being suspicious.</p>
<p>Because your first sentence is describing a purely hypothetical situation, it should be " If it were up to me". Normally, the adcoms wouldn’t care about such a trivial mistake but the first sentence conveys first impressions, and first impressions are important ;)</p>
<p>If you have $100 or so to spare, have the essay reviewed by harvard square essays (<a href="http://www.%5B/url%5D">www.</a>) – their review team is first class and can help with both suggestions and edits, all within the realm of reasonable (non-cheating) advice.</p>