I think it is very OK to have emotions… we all do. I also think it’s very hard to keep them in check during this process, and it’s nice to have a place to vent. I am glad that the OP is venting here, and that her D is the one handling it.
A few points:
OP mentioned the idea of a rubric for class participation. I guess this would be something on the order of … 3 hand raises gets you full credit, 2 gets you partial etc… This would never work because it doesn’t differentiate between the student who raises his/her hand to answer a question … and may get full credit based on the rubric… versus the student who truly leads the class and brings the discussion to another level based on the questions asked. These are two different students, and that might be what the teacher was considering. I think this is what was meant when the word “shining” was used. It was not made to offend, but rather to point out differences in participation. We don’t know what goes on in the class. Thst being said, I think it would be helpful for this student to talk to the teacher and get some feedback.
One A- will not keep this student out of a BSMD program. The program is going to look at everything- grades, course rigor, test scores, letters of recommendation, volunteering, leadership positions, etc. Honestly I would focus less on that one A-, and begin to put energy into essays and getting the letters of rec done- those need to be stellar. As I mentioned earlier, many of these applications ask about undergraduate research ( my daughter’s did but she changed her mind about applying). When she interviewed for a scholarship and was in a room with students applying for BSMD programs… she was blown away by the level of research these students did.
My daughter was a Jefferson Scholar at UVA- went through 2 interviews but did not make it to finals. She was again blown away by the accomplishments of these students… a very distinguished group. These kids did not focus on the one A- they might of gotten… they put their energy elsewhere.
Your D will be competing with highly accomplished kids… who may have gotten an A-. That won’t be the deciding factor here. I think it’s great that she will speak to the teacher, but after that I would move on and put all of the energy elsewhere. I assume she took the most rigorous sciences got the A? I wish your daughter the best- good luck!
One more thing- we had a student this year get into a BSMD program. Although she graduated at the very top of the class ( top 5 kids as in 1-5) she did not have a perfect unweighted gpa- therefore she did get a grade that was less than an A. What made her really stand out were all of the things noted above. The good news is that if your daughter does not get in ( and we will be cheering for her), she can still go for it through the traditional route.
@gallentjill , hang in there. The whole college process has a way of bringing out feelings we never imagined ourselves having. There is so little that a parent can do - it’s like being a fan at a sporting event - you desperately want your team to win but aren’t on the field!
It sounds like your D is a kid who will do what is possible to address the situation. Regardless of outcome, she will still do fine in the application process. You both know that these kinds of programs are often unattainable for even the most accomplished students because there are so few seats. And you both know that this isn’t the only road to her destination. It’s understandable that you want her credentials to be impeccable so that she has the best shot possible. As parents, we want the road to be smooth for our kids. We don’t want them to experience disappointment. We know thsee wishes will never come true!
You need to be fully supportive of your D and her efforts, conveying confidence in her abilities. She no doubt feels pressure to perform - don’t let her feel it from you. Love and support can feel really conditonal even when they aren’t. Try to disinvest yourself from this process as much as you can - be an ear (or shoulder ) for your D, but let the hopes and dreams belong to her.
Ime, the college process offers an opportunity to bond with your kid over a big decision and choices about how they see themselves and who they want to be. It’s really fun to share that, yet hard to be in it without feeling like it’s your experience too. I
I totally relate to the feeling of feeling things you hate. Go easy on yourself too. Hugs to you!
Thanks everyone. The support is very helpful to me. Its hard sometimes being the only parent and not having anyone to give you a reality check or space to vent. You may not realize it, but you are all doing a good deed for my daughter!
With regard to my suggestion that there be a rubric for class participation, I do realize how awkward and difficult that would be to implement. I do feel that there should be something in place for the more reticent kids. (My D is not one of them. If she has a problem in class, it isn’t shyness). Maybe there could be some formal presentations allowed for the kids who are uncomfortable simply raising their hands and speaking. The teacher could allow them to prepare one or more topics instead of having to speak off the cuff.
@gardenstategal
I think this is a very true observation. I think that we parents have a very difficult job. We need to monitor and push at times, stand back at times and let kids fall and get up again, celebrate their successes and help them deal with their failures. Through it all, its hard not to add to their anxiety when thats the last thing we want to do. Even something as small as celebrating a good grade can lead to performance anxiety — “does that mean she doesn’t love me when I don’t get a good grade?”
By the way, its not that I think A- is a bad grade and its not that this one grade is ruining an otherwise spotless record. Its just that she worked so hard for this class and really thought she was going to get the A. She has a B+ in one class from sophomore year that I am more proud of than many of her A grades. She struggled to address important issues in that class, overcame challenges and learned important lessons about her self and her study needs that will carry her through the rest of her schooling.
OP - Totally get the stress, and kudos for coming here to vent and not doing it with your daughter.
I have to say that I was a wreck my dd’s junior year. Her guidance counselor was pushing her to get her cumulative GPA over a 4.2 as he felt that was some kind of magic threshold. As it turned out he was wanting to make sure she stayed in the top 20 of her class (uber competitive) which she comfortably did, but it made me crazy. It basically required 99/100s in her non weighted classes (she had two becasue they were required and no honors options) and As in all her other AP/honors classes (above a 96.5). To make matters worse, at her school, a 92.4 is a B+. That was the year I stopped checking powerschool grades entirely as it was making me crazy and I didn’t want any of my anxiety to triggle down to my daughter. She was focused on getting ready for her standardized testing, working on the common app essay, and finalizing her college list. She had enough pressure without me freaking out. In the end, the grades are what they are. Some classes are more subjective than others. Some classes have teachers that are new and dont know the material. Some classes have a more generous curve than others. All opportunities for learning in one way or another because college wont be perfect either… In the end my daughter did her best, worked her tush off, and we knew that no matter how stellar her application, there were still going to be college rejections, but that she’d land in the right place for her.
Sounds like you have a great attitute overall, and knew you needed to let off some steam here. I wish I had been active on the parent forum then. Would have saved my husband from listening to me obsess and fret.
I sure hope you’re “just” venting here, but oh what a message you are sending to those of us who read your comments. Your OP stated that you were feeling great about the whole process and now you’re ? (? = anxious/ concerned/ upset/ worried/ ?) that your D’s grade is getting bonked (92.3 vs 93) due to participation or other variables? Step away from the process!!! Let your daughter deal with this and go back to enjoying the process. Sure, it’s unfair. But life is unfair, isn’t it?
Focus on the forest, not the trees. There are many paths to being a doctor, many paths to being successful in life if your daughter at some point decides not to be a doctor, as many college students do.
The hyper focus on one grade even on one path in college creates unneeded stress, IMO. I know you are trying to vent here but I can’t help but think that it has to be spilling over into family life as well if there is so much angst from one A-.
Some of the posts on this thread stress me out just reading them. I can’t imagine how the students themselves must feel.
There is space here to take a step or two back and relax. Things will be okay.
@doschicos I have gotten a lot of support from this thread so I won’t say it was a mistake to post. But the doubt I’m getting about whether or not I’m letting things spill over is a little frustrating. Its not just you. I assume that you and everyone else has had moments of stress and frustration. Usually, I would bring that to someone in real life, but in this case, there isn’t anyone. I am going through this whole process as the only parent. That alone, is difficult and stressful. If my husband was here, I would vent to him and he would calm me down. Or he would vent to me and I would take a turn at being the calm one. But that isn’t possible anymore. I wont bring these kind of feelings to friends because it would reveal personal information about my D. So when, everyone here wonders whether or not I’m truthful, I wish they would remember that everyone vents sometimes.
In any case, I am not full of angst about this. I was frustrated and posted, but its a new day and honestly, I have moved on.
And all of this just makes me really glad we don’t use the whole 4.XX GPA and just do the numerical GPA weighted as the measurement. Sure makes it easier to compare and contrast grades as a 94 is a 94 not a 92 or a 96 (all of which would be a 4.0)
Friends, sometimes it helps to get to know another poster’s style. In fairness, OP starts conversations, isn’t alarmist. Nothing cumulative says she’s a freak out gyro parent. Ok?
And this is so true:
“We need to monitor and push at times, stand back at times and let kids fall and get up again, celebrate their successes and help them deal with their failures.”
I have trouble believing parents who purport to fully stand back and let kids raise themselves.
So, carry on.
The biggest angst I see iscoming from responders. Geesh.
@skieurope I think its time to close this thread before it turns into a circular argument. Thank you so much to everyone for giving me a space to let off steam. It helped!