The Essay--Any good writers?

<p>Hey I have been working on all types of essays for the past few weeks. I have written more 500 word personal pieces than I know what to do with! I keep coming back to the same topic though. The last essay I wrote is really personal and everyone I've had read it, can't quite give me an objective viewpoint because of the subject matter. I need somebody's honest and objective viewpoint/criticism. Shoot from the hip-- I need your help!</p>

<pre><code> Though some may say my father has victimized me and my family, I say he has been my fire. He has raised me up, he has inspired me, he has made me strong. In the most intimate of ways, in the deepest of love, my father has truly made me. We are one, and he is my hero.
When I was eight, my father was arrested for stealing drugs from his patients. The shame I faced from my peers and from the press could have only been a tenth of what he experienced. I could have hung my head and hid myself from the world, but I saw my father, who was brave enough to stand tall. The amazing strength it must have taken him to face his loved ones has helped me through the darkest moments of my life. Each time I feel that familiar knot of shame in my stomach, I remember the steel in my father’s eyes the first day I visited him in prison.
When my father was released from jail, I was about 12 years old. He wanted so much to recapture the years he had lost, and so did I. We spent a wonderful summer together but he fell prey to his addiction once more. The day we were separated, I thought I would surely die of a broken heart. Though he had used me and betrayed me in the crudest of ways, I saw every stab of guilt written on his face. And I still loved him. Unconditionally, with every fiber in my body I actually loved him. I know I can face any measure of pain and betrayal, because I have a love deeper than logic can explain.
After a second release from prison, my father kept his distance to overcome his problems. Like an epic hero, he faced death, sickness, and fiercer villains than fiction can create. Along the way he buried any remnant of ego to shape himself in an image that his children could be proud of. He is the purest and most selfless person I know because he has surpassed the greatest obstacles. Each day I watch him strive to be a more perfect person, and I look up to the man that he has become. When I am too tired or mentally exhausted to study for that next test, I see my father’s work ethic and I know I am capable in mind and spirit.
My father and I first bonded after our reconciliation, volunteering at a local shelter together. He gave his heart and soul to the nuns he worked for, and I knew I wanted to be that selfless person. He inspired me and encouraged me to go to Guatemala with a humanitarian-aid organization, and he showed me the virtues giving. There is not a dime in his pocket that he would not give to a stranger if they asked for it, nor is there an hour of his time that he would not sacrifice for a friend. I could not ask for a better example of a human being. If am an eighth of the person that my father is, I am truly blessed.
My hero is not perfect, and he must battle his demons like anyone else. Yet somehow, my father has managed to fight harder, become better, and live more fruitfully than any person I know. I am more humble, I love deeper, I study harder, and I give more willingly because of the spirit my father has found. I will go places in my life that my father has never reached, but I know that his strength will always be the greatest guiding force in my life.
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<p>First impression: Why are you talking about your father? Personal essays are about YOU, not your father. Don't talk about what he did - talk about how he effected YOU.</p>

<p>I have often heard people tell me this, but whenever I read example essays on the topic "What Person in Your Life Has Influenced You Most", it is inevitable that you talk about the person that has influenced you in conjenction with how that has affected your life. That's what I tried to do-- i.e. (excluding intro and conc.) 1st paragraph: Why I can be humble 2nd paragraph: My capacity for love and forgiveness 3rd paragraph: My ability to overcome 4th paragraph: My selflessness. I was trying to be subtle by farming it this way, does it not read well?</p>

<p>After reading more carefully, it does seem a bit more informative, and I suppose you do have a point. But, you only have 500 words for your essay - each word you spend describing him and what happened to him is one less word that could be used to demonstrate what type of person you are.</p>

<p>..............................................</p>

<p>I think you've written a moving essay. The only objection I have is that the topic and basic story line is not incredibly original. But still you have some great real-life material that others don't have, which will stand out to the admissions people. Its a great essay.</p>

<p>Parts of it are great...others need a little work. But hey, you're a lot father on the essay that I am. At first I didn't like it... after the intro, the first couple paragraphs seem to be lagging. The ending was great. I agree with what was said for above...you spend almost too much time talking about your father...esp. in the beginning.
btw, where are you applying?</p>

<p>i wouldn't just post your essays up like that. It will easily be taken by someone else man and who knows what they will do with your essay. Either write a new essay because you never know if someone already stole this and might use it as their own because so far 99 people have looked at this post, and only 7 (including me responded)... what about the other 92? How do you know that all 92 people are reliable and won't take your essay that you just put it wide open?</p>

<p>or the other option is, revise it, make it better, and hopefully, no one, hopefully, took your essay. I am just warning you. </p>

<p>overall, essay is alright. above decent. The beginning and the end is very solid for sure.</p>

<p>Contradictory to what others believe--i felt the essay was indeed indicative of who you are. It's not just explicit statements saying "thus i was taught how to love"...etc... that notify the admissions committee of who you are. Every relationship we inevitably shape who we are. Stylistically--the essay informs us of your openness and heart, a vulnerability that leaves you susceptible to being hurt, but also to love. The broken heart line, broke my line. </p>

<p>Don't become formulaic. Everyone at CC is trying to find a formula for a good essay--but really the best ones are from the heart, not to sound cliche. Locust Valley Senior High School</p>

<p>I like it too. It's a little akward at places, but otherwise it's pretty good.</p>

<p>oh I guess there is no way to delete it, oh well, Im not dead-set on using the essay anyway, plus who the hell would take a chance on usuing someone else's essay? Alas I guess it will have to stay up.</p>

<p>Here's the thing.. You're being very subjective. Its not reasonable, its doesn't follow a logical progression of thought.</p>

<p>I'm not saying that its not good- it just has so many loose ends to tie up before its ready to be sent out. You've lived through this experience, so it may not be necessary for you to explain everything. But the adcoms have not, and you need to lead them through.</p>

<p>Why do you forgive your father? WHY. That's a big question that I'm asking right now as a reader, because you're right with the first sentence- I, right now, tend to think that he victimized you. What kind of father would abandon his children for drugs? THAT's the qeustion you need to answer, and this essay does not do that. It tells me that you forgave him, but you never told me why, or the reasoning behind that forgiveness. Your reason doesn't have to be logical, love never is, but you need to show us that change that you felt towards your father. Is it because you saw his difficulties inside that no one else saw? What is it? </p>

<p>The second paragraph says that you faced shame because of your father stealing drugs. Why did he steal drugs? Honestly, he seems like a selfish son of a gun who keeps milking his child for all he's worth. You need to clarify that. Maybe he did it for a certain reason, and he's extremely sorry for. Or maybe he wasn't in the right place in his life. </p>

<p>The steel in his eyes is not an accurate picture. I'm assuming that you want to portray that he was strong- this seems like he's a stone cold prisoner who was just told that he would face the death penalty, and he didn't react? This is what I mean- all your adjectives are great, but you have no reasoning to WHY you forgave your father, WHY was he strong? Was he just strong because he really liked the drugs, or was he strong for you and your family, was he truly regretful of what he had done?</p>

<p>Epic hero- another case of a word without backing. To me, this looks like you're just being dragged along by a leash by your father. Was he using you- even though he relapsed again, you thought of him as an epic hero?? WHY. </p>

<p>Don't just take us from point A to point Z- take us through the ENTIRE alphebet. I don't know why your father was in prison. I don't know why he turned around. I don't know why you look up to him so much. I don't know what he did to deserve your admiration and love. Again- doesn't have to be logical (as in, my father apologized and now I love him, type of thing), but the reader has to go, ah. They have to empathize with you- and right now, at this point in your essay, I just think you're a sad child who's being used by his father.</p>

<p>I'm not saying this to be mean- you wanted an objective reader. I think the topic isn't the best, usually you don't write about death, crime, suspension, etc. in a college essay. If you want to use this topic, you have to turn it a little, and make it REALLY about you. What does your father's experience say about you? Did it change you as a person? </p>

<p>A couple drafts of this essay, and I think it could be something. Keep working on it.</p>

<p>thanks a lot that was really helpful, I can't find anybody to read the essay who doesn't know the details because it was such a highly publicized crime and trial (that's why I posted it here). I guess I've always overlooked the obvious and the essay was an insight into how my father's character influenced me. I suppose the reader may want to know these details, I nearly didn't use the topic (fear of the common "woe is me" type essay) but I kept coming back to the topic because I can write about it with real passion. I guess I need to wrangle that passion into something for a more general audience. Thanks for the help!</p>

<p>You're welcome :)</p>

<p>Remember that its a fine line between the "begging for sympathy" essay and and a really good, honest essay. Be honest about your feelings about your father's crime and trial. Don't be afraid to put your doubts and fears about your father on the paper, instead of just masking it with your 100% trust. Vulnerability is something that readers can really empathize with.</p>

<p>Be honest. The fresh, honest, vulnerable aspect of the essay is usually what most college-bound kids leave out- they only write what they think the adcoms want to hear. Don't do it, and you'll be fine.</p>

<p>follow peach3s' advice</p>

<p>"Unconditionally, with every fiber in my body(comma here) I actually(change to really) loved him."</p>

<p>very good</p>