could you share some words of advice on my essay please?

Parents Forum
1

<p>This is for Princeton. It is supposed to be 250 words. But now, it's around 450. I have to try to shorten it down. Please be as critical as possible. Anything would help! THX! btw, it's a first draft, so there might be grammar mistakes, but i'm focusing more on the content, tone, and the approach i used. Thank you again!</p>

<pre><code> “Three people walking abreast, my teacher must be amongst them” is an often-quoted Confucius saying in my family meaning that for every three people, there must be at least one person from whom I could learn. Even though I may never be able to fully appreciate the more profound implication of the proverb, my father has given me considerable insight into this famous axiom through both his words and actions.

“Child is the Father of man.” Looking at the reflection of myself, I could vividly see the reflection of my father. In fact, my mother would often say in a disparaging tone that “you will end up just like your father”. I didn’t mind. Upon immigrating to Canada, my father spent his first two years working in a restaurant and earning minimum wage. To save a dollar for bus fair, he would always walk five miles to work and back. One morning, my father came home surprisingly late and accompanied by a police car. Even though my parents tried to hide the story from me, I managed to find out from the landlord that my father had been robbed on his way home, which is especially surprising for he never carries anything more than his work clothing and an old lunch box. My father wasn’t afraid, for he pursued the same route the next day. Grown up in a low-income family, I learned to appreciate the value of my belongings and opportunity at an early age, just like my father. Also like my father, I learned to face my problem without fear.

After my parents separated, my father and I got even closer. We talked more, and he’d often end his email with a short “take care” or “love ya” (which is not at all like my father) to make me laugh. As my senior year approached, my father would often call to give me words of encouragement and advice on how do well in my courses at school and at the local University. My father is also my greatest source of inspiration. I will never forget the extraordinary day, which marked the four-year completion of my father’s PH.D degree, a day in which I was able to share my father’s pride.

Recently, I realized how much a youth’s childhood and environment shape his perspective on life. Reflecting back at where my world began and looking at myself now, I could picture life being a journal, full of glorious remarks and ripped pages, decorated by colored ink and smudged shadows, and filled with records of audacious exploits and incredible happenings; even though the journal is written by me, a large part of it belongs to my father. If I were offered admission to Princeton University, perhaps the letter of acceptance should also be addressed to my father.
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2

<p>anyone? anything? please...</p>

3

<p>any advice at all? please...</p>

4

<p>That's me:</p>

<p>You could lop off both the first paragraph and the last one. You should also eliminate "Child is the father of man," as it does not seem to apply here. Replace your many references to "my father" with "he"."Start with "My mother would often say...." (though you may want to delete "disparaging tone"). In the anecdote about your father being robbed, focus on what happened to your father, not how you learned about it (it's not relevant).</p>

<p>These emendations should enable you to bring the word count down to about 300 or less.</p>

5

<p>I would like to read more about you, less about your father. Remember, whatever the subject, the colleges are interested in you, not the subject. The subject is just a vehicle to reveal yourself to the college.</p>

6

<p>actually, the prompt may be "discuss a person who has had the most influence on you."</p>

7

<p>yes. the prmopt is "tell us about a person who has affected your life in a significant way"</p>

<p>that was also my concern. i understand they want to know more about ME. but if i were to talk about myself, wouldn't that be a bit off topic?</p>

8

<p>I think your essay is fine. Indirectly, it does say quite a bit about you. Just trim it down to the recommended word count.</p>

9

<p>Hi, </p>

<p>Good story, but language is passive and too high-falutin' - admissions officers are not impressed by big words - would prefer vibrant language - just my two cents -</p>

10

<p>"Grown up in a low-income family, I learned to appreciate the value of my belongings and opportunity at an early age, just like my father. Also like my father, I learned to face my problem without fear."</p>

<p>Could you show why this is true instead of telling us? </p>

<p>"“Child is the Father of man.” Looking at the reflection of myself, I could vividly see the reflection of my father. In fact, my mother would often say in a disparaging tone that “you will end up just like your father”. I didn’t mind."</p>

<p>You could drop this entire passage, although I would save the line about your mother and incorporate into your ending.</p>

<p>I really liked the last line, but you'll have to shorten your final paragraph. This is a nice essay; cutting it is painful, but must be done. </p>

<p>Two small errors: "Grown up" should be "Growing up" and what you pay on the bus is a "fare", not "fair".</p>