My twin cousins are currently seniors in the midst of finalizing the college application for a potential ED admission. It’s not quite set in stone that they will go forward with ED due to the pressure coming from their mom. The mother’s primary objective above all else is that they go to the same school. I think it’s a dangerous game to play. Let’s say one makes.it into Dartmouth and the other doesn’t. Let’s also say that both make it to Marist College or another school of that caliber. The mom’s expectation is for the one who made it to Dartmouth must now go to Marist. I think that that strategy is horrible and can hurt they’re future.
The reason the mom wants them to attend the same school is simply for peace of mind. They can support each other and strengthen their bond or something along those lines.
Can you help me put together key important points to convince this hard headed mother? Thx.
The twins are indifferent. Going to the same school is not a priority to say the least. They have different interests. One loves bio and chem, the other doesn’t know what she wants to persue. One has better credentials and will likely get in a top school. The other is solid and is a borderline candidate, that’s why she is interested in ED. What the mom wants is not aligned with the twins wants.
So say they both ED to Dartmouth. One gets in, the other doesn’t. The one that gets in is bound to attend Dartmouth and will be separated from their twin.
Are you paying for these twins’ education? Really – you need to step back and leave your aunt and cousins to sort this out. I assume you’ve already shared some thoughts. If they ask your advice again, give it. Otherwise, keep your nose out of it.
It’s none of your business and their ED apps are already in. Butt out!
I think if the twins say something to you, you should encourage them to speak directly with their Mother and not get involved at all. If the Mother asks your opinion, then by all means share it.
The ED apps must be in by now. It would be the twins’ business to sort this if they are unhappy, not their mom’s. I assume she knows that she can’t ask one twin to break their ED agreement if only one gets in.
You could tell the twins to say speak up if either one feels like they’re being forced into something they don’t want to do at any point in this process, and stand up for their opinions.
I appreciate people’s opinion that it isn’t your problem. But in my family these discussions can and do extend into the extended family.
Depending on your relationship with your aunt I think you can just express your opinion to her and hear her out. But let go of the idea that you can control the outcome.
In our extended family as well, people do express opinions, though we’re not obligated to take others’ advice. But as always in such cases when parents use purse strings to control their kids, not much anyone can do. If the stronger student gets into a different school, problem solved. If not, either the kids speak up, or mom gets to dictate her the twins’ college choice.
That said, some very good friend of mine in HS were twins. They were DETERMINED not to go to the same college. They even went to different colleges their freshman year. Then one transferred to the other’s school, switched her major to the same one, and they went on to never live more than 15 minutes apart. They never actually worked together, but both worked in the same field until one passed away. Twins have a very special bond and whatever the OP’s aunt does isn’t likely to change that.
My cousins are pissed. It is shortsighted for a parent to force their child to not go to their dream school, don’t you think? My family dynamics are quite different than yours. I’m in these discussions because I’m asked often for my opinion. ED for some schools is on Nov 15.
Your cousins should speak up for themselves. If you are asked by the parent of the twins, you can express an opinion. Otherwise it is not your business. Why would they listen to you (you sound young) vs listening to the students who are applying?
I saw your post before the mod edited the obscenity directed towards those who responded to your question. I was one who said give your opinion if asked but that it was more important for the twins to speak up. I think if you ask for people’s opinions on a big forum, you should not be so rude when you don’t like the responses. Good luck to the girls. I hope they are happy wherever they end up attending.
Some families get involved in everything, it is their dynamic. So while saying “butt out” isn’t wrong in general, it just might not apply to this family. Who knows how much her aunt gets up in the OP’s business?
I would ask the aunt “Are you expecting them to work at the same company when they finish college? Do they have to move in next to each other when they get married and have kids, who then all have to go to the same school? How far does this go?”. The point being that college is traditionally a time for people to make that first big decision in their adult, independent (relatively speaking) lives and for twins especially that means choosing to go to the same or different schools. Be understanding though. For your aunt, if the girls choose different schools it is a more direct sign that their childhood is over. That is hard for most parents in any situation of a child going away to college. But they are the adult and should face up to the fact that it is time to let the young adults make these decisions.
OP, I don’t know how much you can help, but I agree with you that the pressure the Mom is putting on them is misguided. It IS hard for some parents to butt out and there is fear underlying all that interference. She’s afraid her girls will be homesick or miss each other? Afraid they will somehow go astray without each other?
If you can talk to her and try to figure out what she’s afraid of maybe she’ll see how illogical it is. With technology today, the sisters can support each other well enough even though they are miles and miles apart. But with fearful, defensive adults, it is best to move forward slowly and carefully. Come out in a full attack on their reasoning and they are likely to just hide behind an even higher illogical wall.
I’m a mother of twins, BTW. No way would they go to the same schools! There are schools out there with a twins discount though. Don’t tell that to your Aunt!
At most I’d talk to your cousins about their situation. (f they are upset/unhappy with the current plan you can suggest that they talk to their mother with a united and strong opinion.
“If you can talk to her and try to figure out what she’s afraid of…”
No stronger point can be made than this. Let her talk it out, think it out, consider that she is being asked to dig deep inside of herself and that her own vulnerability in this situation does not render her backward or weak.
They will not get too branch out and meet other people. They will have the same friends and won’t get to make there own identities for themselves which is hard enough at college and when you have your twin sister there as well I could only imagine the extra stress that it could put on each of them. Especially if there the same major then they will have a lot of the same classes together and really won’t have a lot of time to get to talk to others because they will be too busy hanging out with each other.