The OFFICIAL "Grade My Essay" Topic

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p><em>READ ALL BEFORE POSTING</em></p>

<p>Since now there seems to be several topics involving those wanting practice essays graded, I figured it'd be easier to consolidate all of that into one topic where people can just put their essays here and have them graded.</p>

<p>This works to the benefit of those who write the essays and those viewing them since the writers can get good feedback and the viewers can see a variety of good and bad essays in order to get ideas for how to write theirs.</p>

<p>Since there will be a lot of essays and feedback, people who write essays should probably do something to make their own visible, like bolding the top. </p>

<p>If you are going to grade essays, please make sure that you are giving fair chance to all essays to be graded. If you see all essays except for one are currently being helped, grade the one that hasn't been helped.</p>

<p>Preferrably, to minimize things that aren't essays, PM your advice to the writer, so that there are only two or three visible grades per essay (it'd be best for only two grades per essay on the 6 scale to emulate actual conditions). </p>

<p>Also, please don't write "I'd give it a 4" and nothing else. That's great, but where's the advice to actually improve the score?</p>

<p>I don't know if this'll work, but it'd be best to have two posts (three at most) for each essay by people who will clearly critique and give advice to the essays. Other advice, if you really want to give it, should be pm'ed.</p>

2

<p>PLease point out as many needed improvemnts as you can. Thank You.</p>

<p>prompt: Is the intention to do somethinf ever as important as actually doing it? </p>

<pre><code> The accomplishment of a deed cannot be separated from the plan. Before venturing ourselves, we always analyze, mediate and prepare the ways we could achieve our goals. Although some actions are done impromptu, the majority of undertaking are accompanied by careful thought and logical reasoning for every man is inherently endowed with the powerful tool of thinking.

The ambition for prominence and fame drivers many people to ultimate action. In Shakespeare’s play, Macbeth becomes deeply agitated for the Scottish throne after hearing the witches’ prophesies. Although King Duncan has endowed him with great power  and prestige, Macbeth’s pursuit of eternal glory overcomes his loyalty and faithfulness. Once decided, Macbeth is resolute to use whatever means to achieve the goal. In several scenes of the play, Macbeth seems uncertain about committing regicide, nevertheless the desire of becoming the king subdued all the fear and moral scruples. More importantly, after taking over the throne, Macbeth leashes a bloody reign of terror to secure him position, murdering any noble who deems his attaining of the throne questionable. Thus, if wasn’t for fulfilling his greedy intention, Macbeth would certainly have the audacity to commit all the evil deeds that he diabolically pursued.

The impelling power of intention is also evident in good actions. During the early years of 20th century, the United States was troubled domestically. The rise of monopolies and trust severely threatened the welfare of common Americans. Often, business tycoons used ruthless methods to achieve self-benefit. This flagarant display of injustice led to the Progressive Movement. Reforms in various fields published innovative ideas to redress the situation. In response to labor strikes, they demanded the creation of a federal commission to help determine adequate working wages and hours. Furthermore, the Progressives were the first one in United States history to suggest the levy of income taxes to reduce the expanding gap between the rich and poor. Although the Progressives were not government officials who had the power to make public policies, the wide-spreading of their pragmatic ideas was essential to the ultimate reforms launched by Congressmen who were strongly induced to the movement.

The desire to accomplish an action is just as important as carrying it. For without the fundamental support of organized thought and planning, few people have the persistence to pursue their ultimate moves.
</code></pre>

3

<p>What is your opinion of the claim that without adequate knowledge of the past, we cannot truly understand the present?</p>

<pre><code> Throughout the history of mankind, there have been devestating events that have changed the way people think and act. With the knowledge of these past events, we are able to better understand our current conditions and know how to imporve ourselves so that we can prevent any resurgence of these occurances. This is epitomized in our current economic status as well as the establishment of the UN.

Most of our economic improvements stem from America during the 1930's. in the 1930's, America underwent a Depression due to over speculation in the Stock Market Crash. Millions of Americans lost their jobs and homes. There were food lines miles long, and yet still not not enough to feed the starving masses. The government tried to intervene and help the masses. FDR, the president of the time, imposed his New Deal plan which provided the three R's: Relief, Reform and Recovery. During this period, several acts were passed such as the Social Security Act which proivded seniors over 65 with government payments.

This horrific time period in American history set precendents in American economy today. To prevent another stock market crash, the government now imposes stricter rules and regulations in trading. When people buy on margin now, they must meet certain requirments set by the FCC. In addition, the government has allocated its funding into public work programs as well as relief programssuch as Social security. The knowledge of the Great Depression allowed the government today to understand the economy better and prevent a future depression in America.

After the 1930's depression, America went to war with German in WWII. The lack of proper diplomacy and agreements between nations all helped to instigate this bloody war. Hundreds of thousands of lives were lost by both sides including civilian casualties. In addition, the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagaskai nearing the end of the war, a notorious military decision that is still remebered as a devestating and merciless attack.

This nefarious war provides the world with the knowledge of how to prevent a future reoccurance. This is epitomized in the UN. The UN is a forum of nations in which different nations can voice their opinons and arguments in an orderly and diplomatic manner. The UN helps to control belligerent forces around the world while using litter armed resistance. Therefore, the UN has been able to prevent a world-wide war from occuring and to keep the peace since its establishment, all a result of the knowldege provided by WWII.

The knowledge of the past allows people of the present to develop and to improve. We are able to prevent nationwide poverty and world wars with this knowledge. It is true that the knowledge of the past provides us with the keys to the future.
</code></pre>

4

<p>Prompt: "Is the world changing for the better?"</p>

<p>Unfortunately in today's dystopian world throughout the past several decades, the world has not been changing for the better. Though there are many instances in which someone has stood up to views held by the majority in order to make the world a better place, the tyranny of most in the world still subjugates the the minority. Many examples from literature support this simple yet disturbing viewpoint that we live in a static world of chaos rather than a dynamic world of progress.</p>

<p>Modern views of racism throughout the world still permeate throughout every inch of society. To Kill a Mockingbird, a novel by Harper Lee, illustrates this concern well. In this story about racism, Atticus Finch fights for the life of an innocent black man convicted of rape. Although there is overwhelming evidence propitious to the defending party, the white men of the jury still decide to wrongly convict the black man. This demonstrates that even though there are men such as Atticus Finch who are willing to fight for the inalienable rights of the men persecuted throughout the globe, the majority of men, fully aware of their own moral turpitude, still continue to persecute others. This halts the supposed progressive trend of the world and supports the view that men are not transcending themselves to nobler viewpoints regarding the rights of men.</p>

<p>Just as we live in a world in which racism flourishes, we also live in a world in which war prospers, moving ourselves towards the belligerent trend of fighting for meaningless abstract feelings of "honor" and "integrity." A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway demonstrates this through its attacking of war's foundations. The protagonist, Frederic Henry, sees meaningless bloodshed spread throughout the otherwise normally beautiful Italian countryside. He ruminates about the causes of war and sees that they amount to trivial abstract ideals such as "honor" and "integrity" when men should really be fighting for concrete things such as rivers, land, and family. This once again contradicts the popular view that the world is changing for the better, for it shows that in this world, men are willing to fight for dogmatic ideals than for the lives of others.</p>

<p>As well as the fact that we live in an unchanging world where war exemplifies the pugnacious nature of men, we live in a world where war is used to justify the actions of totalitarian governments whose goal is to oppress all for some sort of "greater good." Catch-22, a novel by Joseph Heller, shows this well, for tyranny of the majority who abuse power those who are apethetic to this oppression are shown. Men such as Yossarian and Snowden are needlessly persecuted and forced to fight for the cause of others in power. A world of anarchy is present in which men are forced to fight for the causes of others. This is a world that we still live in today, showing the static nature of Earth.</p>

<p>In our chaotic yet static planet, the world has not deviated from its path of wreckless racism, violence, and oppression. It is a dark world we live in and a disturbing truth that man has not progressed and changed his views for the better.</p>

<p>****Note that that does not accurately reflect my actual viewpoints, but I saw that with the examples I could think of, I could write a negative essay more easily than a positive one. Plus, I used the word dystopian. That got me goin'</p>

<p>Please don't hesitate to grade the already posted essays, which I will do when I have time unless someone gets to them before I do; I just took a practice test in which my usual MC Writing grade took a turn for the worse and I encountered some hard math, so I want to find out how to do them.</p>

5

<p>nash_nowitzki: 12
lazybutsmart: 12
waffle: 12</p>

6

<p>NASH_NOWITZKI</p>

<p>I'd give yours a 5, but I think that for a very strict grader it can fall into a 4 (note that for all you know it can be a 6 - and it's eloquent enough to be one, but it's always better to improve to maximize chances of getting a 6). </p>

<p>The biggest problem is focus from the beginning. Your essay would be so much easier to understand if you duplicated your first sentence of the conclusion and placed it at the beginning as a thesis. I personally believe, and they say this in school, that you must somewhat restate the question in your thesis. Not only does it make the essay easy to understand but it helps to establish strong focus throughout the essay. Just take that sentence and make it more eloquent and you have good focus. Just make sure that you're specific in refering back to this focus in your opening and closing sentences for the body paragraphs. If you have time, use another example for a third main point, since the more paragraphs the better, but don't do it at the expense of weakening everything else substantially, and make your opening and closing sentences of each paragraph stand out. I like your conclusion and synthesis at the end. Your eloquence is very good also. Just tweak your first sentence, make sure you make your reference to the question specific, and make sure your first and last sentences of each paragraph are good and you're good to go.</p>

<p>Also, I just thought of a good analogy for why the topic and closing sentences must be good. Think of it this way: On the critical reading, depending on advice you've been given, you may at least read the first sentence of a passage and the last, depending on what you've been told, and you may also read the first and last sentences of the paragraphs too, just to get a firm idea of what you're up against? With this strategy, why bother reading the rest of the passage unless you have to? You'd be bored to death!</p>

<p>I think you can apply that to the SAT graders also. They only have limited time, so what do they do? Read your most important parts. They'll look at your intro for focus, read your topic sentence for more focus, STOP, skim through the first paragraph, subtlely noting eloquent writing, STOP, read the closing sentence, repeat, noting how many paragraphs you have and how much content you have (ie, indents and length), STOP, read the conclusion to reestablish focus, look for some adequate synthesis, and they're done in a fraction of the time it took to describe this.</p>

<p>Hope this helps.</p>

<p>evil<em>asian</em>dictator: elucidate please?</p>

7

<p>LAZYBUTSMART: Same thing as above: 5, but leaning towards possible 4 (once again, who knows, maybe a 6, but always try to improve), more than with the last essay.</p>

<p>See what I wrote above, but also improve your closing sentences. Do you really want to end a paragraph by continuing with an example? NO NO NO. End a paragraph by referring back to your stance/the question/the topic/the thesis with a little bit of analysis. </p>

<p>Move your first sentence of the conclusion to the top (still keeping that sentence or one like it in the conclusion) of your essay and change it a little, and you ameliorate your focus.</p>

8

<p>im not sure if my critcism matters to you since im definently not on the same par but ill try:</p>

<p>your examples are insightful and you go into great detail. your intro gives your essay clear direction and your conclusion provides your essay with a good clincher. One problem I see is analysis of examples and how they relate to the thesis. This has always been a problem for myself, and I guess I might just not understand it enough to even comment about it on your essay. However, maybe you could tell my how im wrong, and explain it. Anyway, your essay is no doubt a high 5 (probably already in the 6's), and probably only a few tweakings in the body paragraphs will push you over.</p>

9

<p>How's this one?</p>

<p>Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are?</p>

<p>Ease does not challenge us enough to make our mark on the world in order to reach our aspirations; on the contrary, adversity is what helps us to reach our ultimate goals in life. Though ease can facilitate our movement through some walks of life, adversity provides us with the courage and tenacity to overcome our greatest obstacles. Several examples from literature serve to demonstrate this point.</p>

<p>Adversity in the form of a belligerent and mocking society helps people to overcome their shortcomings in order to find out who they are. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne best illustrates this point. In this novel, Hester Prynne is accussed of perfidious adultery in an austere Puritan society. Because of this, she is forced to wear a shameful letter "A" on her breat, standing for her "adultery" making her life one of ignominy and treachery to all who pass her. However, through this adversity she is able to overcome those who mock her. Slowly she sheds her shame and earns back the respect of the society that has shunned her through good deeds. Gradually, her letter soon begins to stand for "able," for she has finally discovered her purpose in the world, which was to help others by making their clothing, something she was content with. This superbly evinces both the difficulty she went through and how she tenaciously worked to overcome it. Ease was not enough to make a name for herself; she, and we all, need adversity in order to reach our goals in an antagonistic society.</p>

<p>Just as someone can benefit from adversity in a mocking society, someone can also benefit from difficulty in war. This is shwon in A Farewell to Arms, by Ernest Hemingway. In this novel, Frederic Henry is an ambulance driver forced out of his rugged yet serene life into a life of war and violence. Through the adversity of the war in seeing his friends persecuted and moribund, he fosters a name for himself in which he decides to reject the war. Pit against what he was meant to fight for with difficulty, he triumphantly tears off the military stars on his sleeve, signifying his rebirth as a new man away from the pugnacity of others. Only through the adversity of war was Henry able to make a new name for himself, which contradicts all societal conventions. Adversity in the form of witnessing the atrocities and horrors of war allows us to discover who we truly are by shedding who we once were.</p>

<p>Whereas someone can discover himself through war, he can also discover himself by defying societal convention in the form of views of other men, thus overcoming difficulty. In Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain, Huck is born into a society of racist views against black people. However, he soon enters into a strong bond of friendship with someone whom he has learned to despise. He rejects society's racism and overcomes great difficulty in defying what society wants him to believe. Huck discovers that he is not a racist by overcoming the adversity of what society tells him to believe. Sometimes we need to see the wrongful views of others for what they are to discover ourselves.</p>

<p>Adversity is what challenges us to overcome obstacles and hindrances in order for us to define ourselves by our character, not by society's conventions. We all achieve this way, for as the old adage states: "To the stars, through difficulty."</p>

<p>I don't know if I got that last quote right, but I tried to analyze more. I think my third paragraph may have suffered a little because of that though, and I had to cram small words in at the end for it to fit.</p>

<p>How is it?</p>