The Price of Privilege

Parents Forum
1

<p>Madeline Levine, a psychologist with over twenty-five years of experience as a clinician, consultant and educator, spoke at a local high school last night. Her message: kids are over-scheduled, don't have nearly enough unstructured time which is critical to their development; parents are overinvolved with micro-managing their kids, and everyone's unhappy. The result: children have an impaired sense of self and suffer from a range of easily (and not-so-easily) identifiable emotional disorders.</p>

<p>This was a sobering message to me personally as I step back and look at how I'm raising my 2 sons in an affluent area of the country. It seems like the only thing I'm doing right is having dinner together as a family. I'm making all kinds of mistakes right and left by constantly getting on my sons' cases about their homework, laying out spreadsheets for them to keep track of assignments, working through SAT prep books with them rather than letting them study on their own, etc, etc. Yikes! I need to back off! How else will they learn to be self-reliant and self-motivated if Mom is always there applying pressure and picking up the pieces?</p>

<p>Another point made: kids don't fail nearly often enough; there are few consequences for failure. This simply isn't how life works. The times in my own life where failure happened were times that I emerged from much stronger and wiser.</p>

<p>I'm now reading Madeline Levine's book, The Price of Privilege, and feel it has many valuable lessons for parents today. Has anyone else faced up to the reality that what they're doing as parents might not be healthy for their children, and made changes as a result?</p>

2

<p>you make spreadsheets for their assignments?</p>

<p>are you going to pack their lunch for college, too?</p>

<p>this makes me fairly grateful for my parents. they don't bother or push me at all, it's really liberating.</p>

<p>edit: I'm probably being too harsh, because you realized your mistake; i apologize.</p>

3

<p>Spreadsheets...yep, when I realized in March that DS1 hadn't turned in a single history homework assignment in the prior 2 months, we sat down & created a spreadsheet together with all the missed assignments and dates by which he was going to have them completed. Didn't work, he still hasn't done them all. Consequence: a D in USHAP? Maybe so, we'll see.</p>

4

<p>I grew up in a very wealthy family and I always enjoyed having things scheduled and structured. However, it was well-balanced with "free time" as well. And now that I'm almost 30 and a successful business owner with no recognizable psychological problems, I guess I'm the exception :)</p>

<p>As for making sure my work was in on-time and my grades remained high, my parents usually took a more material-based approach which usually involved them taking my car keys and credit cards away and preventing me from taking weekend trips with friends.</p>

5

<p>well, i think scheduled activities are better than what most kids would do given "unstructured" time -- video/computer games until the wee hours...</p>

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<p>Katliamom - When psychs talk about unstructured free time for children, they are usually referring to small children. They are finding that fantasy play is pretty crucial for children to learn self regulation. Younger children who have little unstructured play time have more difficulties in school than those that don't. </p>

<p>In regard to your comment about video-computer games into the wee hours, who is the parent? Teenagers should also have unstructured time. That doesn't mean that you have to let them use it to watch 14 hours of tv or hang out on the computer until 3 AM. There should be time, however, for teens to pursue things that are of interest to them in a safe and supportive environment. And structured activities that are pusued by the teen are fine as well. It gives them a sense of control and empowerment. But they should not have every minute of their day regulated or they will never figure out decent time management skills.</p>

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<p>LOL -- you mean you've never heard of teenagers playing video/computer games into the wee hours? Even in "good" homes? Really now... :)</p>

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<p>I think the problem is not so much too many activities and not enough free time, I think it's that lots of parents (and I've been one, until a fairly serious psych issue set me straight) are too controlling and have unrealistic expectations....</p>

9

<p>The high school students I know who are the most miserable are those with uninvolved parents who have no idea what they are really doing after school and on weekends.
The happy high school kids are involve in structured activities, the parents know their friends (and the friend's parents), and there is a lot of communication about how things are going.
I think her point that kids need to have their own sense of accomplishment is right, but I don't think it's a healthy message to tell parents to back out of their kid's lives.</p>

10

<p>A good parent is, of course, one who is informed and has a good, open relationship with their kid. That's a parent who isn't controlling, hovering and unrealistic.</p>

11

<p>
[quote]
The high school students I know who are the most miserable are those with uninvolved parents who have no idea what they are really doing after school and on weekends.
The happy high school kids are involve in structured activities, the parents know their friends (and the friend's parents), and there is a lot of communication about how things are going.
I think her point that kids need to have their own sense of accomplishment is right, but I don't think it's a healthy message to tell parents to back out of their kid's lives.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I think that's pretty much the opposite from the reality for most. I wouldn't be very pleased at all if my parents knew my friends, their parents, where I'm at all the time, etc.</p>

<p>My parents have their lives, and I have my own life. If I got into trouble, sure, they can go snooping then, keep me on lockdown, and I'd learn my lesson. Otherwise, I'd consider my parents too be way too involved if they knew the parents of my friends. That's really not necessary with a high school student. With an elementary/early-middle school student... maybe.<br>
(gonna throw in an 'IMO' for clarity)</p>

<p>Then again, this thread is really for the reality of affluent families, so my own experience probably isn't representative for you all. </p>

<p>It's kind of like the show Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The affluent "Banks" family has their kids' lives scheduled quite a bit (just as an example; there's more typical 'affluent family things') and Will, from the opposite side of the spectrum, thinks that is a bit ridiculous while the affluent people think that Will's life is pretty ridiculous. </p>

<p>Another example, forced SAT prep (or SAT prep at all, I should say), is also a bit out there to me while it could be construed as normal much more often in an affluent setting. Classic "Will-Banks family" situation IMO. </p>

<p>
[quote]

As for making sure my work was in on-time and my grades remained high, my parents usually took a more material-based approach which usually involved them taking my car keys and credit cards away and preventing me from taking weekend trips with friends.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I think that's a better approach than 'spreadsheeting' one's assignments. "Learn to deal with it yourself or face the consequences."</p>

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<p>cono, you're on target.</p>

<p>I remember riding in the car with my then 12 year old daughter and seeing a group of her peers doing something they shouldn't have been doing. I asked her what she thought of the scene, and she said, "those are the kids whose parents just don't care." </p>

<p>Sometimes I've been overly involved, overly aware, and even overly snoopy, but my children know it's because I care. Now 18, this daughter will attest that I have backed off considerably, actually almost completely, since she'll be living far away soon and needs to make ALL decisions and choices without me saying anything unless asked. This transition from hyper vigilance to being just a phone call away is appropriate, I think.</p>

13

<p>My son plays internet-based role-playing video games just about every day. That is his unstructured, free time. He also has a 10:30pm bedtime (no computer, internet or tv in his room), maintains high honor role and is currently on the varsity lax team. I think he'll be alright.</p>

<p>And I too have never understood the SAT prep thing.</p>

14

<p>The one major benefit I got from SAT prep was the ability to handle testing under pressure. I had a tutor every Saturday for two hours and found her knowledge invaluable.</p>

15

<p>I think some great kids come from homes with very involved parents and lots of structured activities, and some not so great kids come from homes like that too. Likewise, some kids whose lives are more independent and unstructured are terrific, and some are not.</p>

<p>I get pretty tired of everyone peddling systems for better kids. Seems like such a racket.</p>

16

<p>
[quote]
I wouldn't be very pleased at all if my parents knew my friends, their parents, where I'm at all the time, etc.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Wow, that is a scary statement. I believe a good parent will TRY to know all of the above.</p>

17

<p>I think most kids on CC generally have a high "self-drive" per say, and understand that college is just a stepping stone in life, as is high school. Most kids at my high school who do poorly in school just don't have the support there which they need. Sure they may be "popular" because they host big parties or whatnot, but I think the TRUELY happy and successful individuals come from homes where parents have a good relationship with their kids. I beleive parents need to be more of a role model rather than a dictator. I beleive there is a fine line between being "loving" and "overly obsessed", sometimes it seems that some of my friends' parents wish to live out their dreams through their kids, and place very unrealistic expectations on them, something which I beleive is totoally ignorant and will ultimately hurt both sides.</p>

<p>The kids with successful, fun, lively, and parents with good outlooks on life, not just ultra-controlling and "loving" are generally the ones, whom I beleive, will make it the farthest in life.</p>

<p>The kids with parents who don't care, don't know how to care, or just aren't there, but on the opposite end the ones who are "controlling", "highly competitive", or just plain annoying make their kids to become kids of off kilter goals in life and just makes them head down the wrong path.</p>

<p>my 2 pennies :)</p>

18

<p>My parents knew all of my friends.. they saw them nearly every day!</p>

<p>My parents are, of course, both high school faculty members. But I know several of my friends' parents too.</p>

19

<p>I think the most important thing is to LISTEN to your kids, and let them steer their own fates, while keeping them on track and out of trouble. There is no set formula for raising kids and getting them into top schools, and those parents who try to impose one may be doing their kids a disservice by never letting them discover what really makes them happy.</p>

<p>Carpenters and night club musicians can be just as happy as (or happier than) Harvard grads.</p>

20

<p>Re Post 16:</p>

<p>Actually, parents are required by law (generally) to have knowledge, & exercise responsiblity about the whereabouts & activities of their children under 18. A parent who is acquiescing to a teenager's stated preference to 'get out of my life', or who is volunteering for such a role, is a neglectful parent. This is O/T from the article but is a response to the post named.</p>

<p>Too bad if my D wouldn't like even to know "who her friends are." It's my right & responsibility to know; she's my legal dependent, & I can even be sued for her actions -- not to mention caring about situations in which she might unknowingly be putting herself in danger, etc., due to less experience than I have.</p>