<p>It's a good piece of satire, but it's not perfect (in my modest opinion! hahaha)</p>
<p>Well, Chicago has some pretty unconventional essays so I'd assume they could handle your essay. I wish I applied to Chicago just for the sake of writing the essays. Dont think I could write a clever enought essay though. Anyways, I'll take a look at it. Pm it over.</p>
<p>galoisien:</p>
<p>I didnt mean that my attempting a satire is subtle</p>
<p>What I meant was.. imagine a hispanic adcom reading this.. will they see through the initial diatribes against their race to see that it's actually exaggerating racial discriminations that are harbored to some degree by most Americans? </p>
<p>Sorry but I dont think I'll be taking your advice on taking turns poking fun at modern political candidates. I think that's too trite and lacks focus. I think ill stick with my one central idea and elaborate on it completely.</p>
<p>Plus, I'm not trying to address any one politician, any one issue... I'm trying to address the pervading discrimination behind the average person's attitudes towards immigrants</p>
<p>jojo: pm me an email, I want you to critique me with all youve got :)</p>
<p>pm me an email address, its too big to pm</p>
<p>I realised what the problem is.</p>
<p>You still sound too much like Swift.</p>
<p>You need your own "voice."</p>
<p>If you are going to mock modern politics, a healthy heaping of mocking fears of terrorism and a declining economy will help too -- why stick to the vocabulary of the previous centuries?</p>
<p>"taking turns poking fun at modern political candidates. I think that's too direct and lacks focus."</p>
<p>Not taking turns, necessarily, but your essay still sounds too general. It is not "biting," per se. After reading the 4th paragraph, your essay became slightly stale. It needs "wit" and more piercing mockery, do you see what I mean?</p>
<p>Racism does not only come from the idea that people are inferior, but from the existence of racial prejudices about how certain races behave. Some racists don't know they are racists because they don't see the race they are prejudiced against as "inferior," just different.</p>
<p>For example, if you've read Malcolm X's autobiography, whites seemed to think that it was a general characteristic of blacks to have sexual prowess and to be naturally muscular and strong. This was not a negative trait in itself -- hence why white women would pay to be paired with a black man -- but it was assumed that the black people were more "animal-like", and thus the reason for their sexual prowess and their muscle power. Prejudice.</p>
<p>Have you read a certain essay (set some decades ago) where a white woman, in thinking she is helping her white son's black playmate, is actually being racist? She gives him old clothing even though his family is reasonably well-clothed; she assumes his father must be big and strong because she had the prejudice that blacks could only work blue-collar factory jobs. </p>
<p>People in this country are not merely afraid of lazy immigrants -- they are afraid of being overtaken by other languages, such as Spanish, and insisting that English should be designated the official language of the US. Attack this.</p>
<p>In Harry Baulds book on writing the perfect college essay, he actually gave an example of a student who satired Dostoevsky in "Notes from the underbred" and the feedback from admissions staff. Dostoecsky was extremly brash and insulting.</p>
<p>The results? 3 our of 4 of the reviewers didnt get the joke making remarks like "Did this person intentionally sabtage his application? This is easy-deny" Only one picked up on it and thought he was brilliant. </p>
<p>You will seriously have to SPELL IT OUT for these guys, as you cannot take any risk in them misunderstanding the purpose.</p>
<p>"What I meant was.. imagine a hispanic adcom reading this.. will they see through the initial diatribes against their race to see that it's actually exaggerating racial discriminations that are harbored to some degree by most Americans?"</p>
<p>Now, now, are you sure you aren't having a bit of prejudice yourself?</p>
<p>(We all have it -- at one point I hadn't realised how I had been racially prejudiced too. Those frequently prejudiced against often subconsciously develop their own "retaliatory" prejudices against others, not realising it.)</p>
<p>galoisien:</p>
<p>I understand what you're saying, but did you pay attention at all after 4th paragraph?</p>
<p>Besides their laziness, the following are stereotypes that I addressed (and yes, I included LANGUAGE).. if you want, i can pm you direct quotes
1. Crime, gangs, unruliness, benefits of being under a whip
2. Language, using their ethnocentricity as an excuse to segregate
3. Bovine-like.. read that whole paragraph and count up the cow references
4. Their threats to the economy right now, and how that can be turned into a positive (renewable energy)</p>
<p>and thats off the top of my head</p>
<p>Im trying to fit all of these things to corrsepond with one central idea, its hard to do without not making any sense or running off onto tangents or contradicting myself (if they are really dumb, how are they going to be terrorists?)</p>
<p>and no, i dont believe my fears are unwarranted as even my PARENTS were completely shocked at what i wrote even after i briefed them of what it was about and its purpose</p>
<p>knickkackpatty: that is what im afraid of</p>
<p>Hey thanks for the help guys, especially you galo</p>
<p>If anything, I think a Hispanic adcom member will be the quickest to spot that it's satire, because if they have endured substantial prejudice, then they might have had to at one point deal with self-loathing and conquer it; they will know the intricacies of prejudice and might have had a hate-love-relationship with the concept of race.</p>
<p>"Language, using their ethnocentricity as an excuse to segregate"</p>
<p>Erm, yes, but I am talking about the fear of being taken over by another language -- but the fact that you mentioned segregation and not this immediately makes me wonder if you are perhaps a kindred spirit. :) </p>
<p>"I understand what you're saying, but did you pay attention at all after 4th paragraph?"</p>
<p>Well, I tried. I ended up skimming it because it ended up becoming too painfully obvious. I think there are plenty of areas where you could cut down and still have the same power in your message, if not more.</p>
<p>Also, the concept so far is pretty witty, but the biggest problem so far is its being stale after so many paragraphs. You don't want to merely list all the stereotypes -- to write a <em>manigificent</em> essay, you might want to comment on the natures and fears of the stereotypers, and why the prejudice exists in the first place. (Using massive irony, of course.)</p>
<p>What you want to do is not merely make a parallel of Swift's work, but demonstrate insight. In my opinion, at the heart of the current anti-immigration prejudice is the fear of change, and not wanting to obligated to accomodate or investigate other customs. You may have your own theories of course. But you may want to reference it some way (definitely ironically, of course). Swift as I recall, showed that the real reason why the poor in Ireland continued to suffer destitution was heavily due to the entrenched classes not wanting to give up their power.</p>
<p>fantastic. i will read it. <a href="mailto:tyac.sg@gmail.com">tyac.sg@gmail.com</a></p>
<p>I see what you're saying, but ironically, I feel that your suggestions would make it more obvious and dull than the way I have it</p>
<p>I tried to keep it interesting by touching on these stereotypes under the guise of formulating a working plan... seeing this problem in technical terms, or economic terms (since most people dont seem to regard immigrants as humans)</p>
<p>I felt that "commenting on the natures and fears" of each stereotype wouldbe too heavyhanded, leading to a didactic history lesson, thus ruining the point of the satire</p>
<p>edit: blah, do you think an adcom will see this thread? maybe we shoulda took it to pms</p>
<p>I don't think you will be harmed by AdCom members reading this thread -- perhaps only impressed with your concept. </p>
<p>When I mean, "comment," I don't mean so explicitly or directly.</p>
<p>Rather, the speaker in the essay should be indirectly demonstrating fears about the race he is attacking -- or basically, showing to the reader why the prejudices exist, and why they are irrational.</p>
<p>The concept of harming or condescending to a race under the guise of "helping" them may also be an issue you might like to explore.</p>
<p>I'd like to see yours if you don't mind sending. I'll give you my suggestions on it, and yes I remember reading Swift's Modest Proposal sophomore year in brit lit...it was gruesome!</p>
<p>galo, I really do appreciate your help, but was it so boring that you couldnt read at least most of it?</p>
<p>most of the first page is demonstrating fear (ok, outrage is more like it) at what our country is experiencing</p>
<p>and the rest.. well the rest of it has to do with "The concept of harming or condescending to a race under the guise of "helping" them"</p>
<p>It wasn't boring, it just got repetitive sometimes.</p>
<p>Your comment on how resouces are being spent to spread liberty elsewhere is a rimshot; the phrase "these parasites systematically rape and pillage our country" is quite too direct. Very few people think that; rather, prejudice is in part due to flawed ideas (and a lack of understanding of the social contract) of what society is obligated to do for its participants.</p>
<p>Side note: decapitalise "Presidents" -- unless you are referring to specific ones.</p>
<p>Anyway, those are just my thoughts to create a "brilliant" essay. Right now, I think this is a fairly good UChicago essay. Enough to impress (fairly informed) Adcoms into admissions, and probably setting yourself apart from many essays, but not having a "totally amazing" factor.</p>
<p>Personally I would advise rewriting the essay so that you are not acting so downright hostile. The more pervasive type of prejudice is the irrational and heartless argument that threatens to pose as rational argument (which is why Swift wrote his satire -- to mock such arguments). Keep the "humane enslavement" part in, but I would use an attitude somewhat resembling, "We are glad to offer such desperate folk our refuge of freedom and liberty, especially since their manual labour is economically valuable. But Mexicans have a somewhat unfortunate tendency to indulge in crime and laziness if not properly overseen, and this spoils their utility ... in order to compensate, I suggest humane enslavement." You also need some more puns playing on the human/humane idea. ;)</p>
<p>Or something like that -- use your own imagination. But right now I think the satirical effect is somewhat dampened by the fact that the hostility is too obvious, and at the same time may not work on clueless adcoms either.</p>
<p>mm i had initially adopted such a harsh tone because satire exaggerates the beliefs being made fun of</p>
<p>but instead of exaggerating the disgust and pity, you're saying i should exaggerate the condescension</p>
<p>i finally catch your drift, thanks very much</p>
<p>i was going to say that we're just arguing semantics.. but then i realized that thats what language is all about :)</p>
<p>That's it.</p>
<p>I am reminded of the part in his autobiography where Malcolm X said how he preferred the southern whites to the northern whites because at least the southern whites didn't hide their prejudice.</p>