<p>If my D were assigned a grade for her freshman year social life, it would bring up her academic GPA. She's always been a sociable child, but she's never been surrounded by so many nice, interesting, smart people before (and unlike high school, the cute boys are also smart). We're glad she's in her element and hoping she finds the right balance between social life and academics (and extra-curriculars) sooner rather than later.</p>
<p>S seems to have had a great time socially --- he sends me email photos of what I assume are the tamer activities, like Halloween dress up, intramural dorm mud fights and he and his friends at the campus carnival and Mardi Gras celebration --- but I don't hear of much happening in the relationship department. He seems to have no trouble at all making lots of casual friends, but the one-on-one connection hasn't happened for him, as far as I know. </p>
<p>At least, he has made no mention of a GF and no one young woman seems to recur in the various photos I've seen of S and friends at college. This Kremlin-wall examination of photos is my only clue to his social life though; the topic is generally a nonstarter in verbal communication. Maybe no news is good news for the time being. Overall, I would give his grade on social life an A- which is slightly better than his academic record so far.</p>
<p>WashDad - um, each one of my data points had friends....my friends were largely parents of kids the same age...agree it's anecdotal but it is supported by biology after all. </p>
<p>As an example, boys often grow until they are 20. Girls rarely rarely past 16.</p>
<p>Oh well. Never mind.</p>
<p>I wondered how S would do since he was homeschooled, moved twice during high school, and didn't really have that group of friends that a lot of teenagers have. He's having a good time. He changed dorms 2nd semester and found his people. A little trouble with time management--he's mastered the "down time" --the study time could use a little more focus. He seems very happy, though. I'd give him a B overall.</p>
<p>Alu--I agree--girls are more mature. </p>
<p>If you define maturity as taking care of own stuff without reminders or help, being considertate of others, planning ahead, following through, finishing tasks completely--I'd take my 16yo D over my nearly 19yo S any day. And I'd pick the 16yo for my team over 46yo H, too :) </p>
<p>Even my immature S complains about how immature all the freshman guys are.</p>
<p>
[quote]
The smiley meant - I have one of each, a boy and a girl. I love my children both too much. But I absolutely believe that on average boys mature later than girls - and it is not a snarky scornful comment all. However, I think it's true. And I think it's responsible for all kinds of issues.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I have a son and daughter; he's three and a half years older than she is. They have always seemed to me to be at about the same stage in terms of maturity.</p>
<p>My D also did not find her people in high school - and really wants to find them in college. </p>
<p>She does want oodles of friends, but doesn't realize that it takes time. She had a C/C- first semester. She wanted to transfer, she didn't like anybody, etc. She now has a very good friend she will room with next year (oh, also had terrible roommate first semester) along with two other girls she knows from her current dorm and will share a suite. She has joined some organizations and she likes the people involved and they seem to have social activities on the weekend. So I would give her a B for the second semester.</p>
<p>She wants to have a large group that goes out together and does things spontaneously, but feels that everyone goes out and drinks. Slowly, she seems to be building a group that doesn't drink, but it takes time.</p>
<p>Ditto nceph for my freshman S. </p>
<p>Ever the extrovert, he has had the time of his life, mostly with teammates, hallmates, fraternity brothers. His innate love of meeting people and making friends has landed him jobs as an admissions tour guide and frat rush chair next yr - adding to his satisfaction if not his grade point average. (We seriously think he needs to consider a career in the hospitality industry!) </p>
<p>Seems the year has been more about making guy-friends and friend-girls than about girlfriends though. Fine by us. He tells us he's made friends he believes he will have forever. Probably so. Now he's just got to "dial back" the social a bit more when that academic "thing" requires . . . pretty sure he will do that now.</p>
<p>Certainly there are many ways to define "maturity"; it's not all about being considerate or organized (those are sometimes more personality traits than signs of maturity). </p>
<p>I came across what I thought was a really nice laundry list of what it means to be mature (from a website on hindu spirituality no less. Yep, I LOVE to google!):</p>
<p>To be mature means:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>To be realistic, to be in touch with reality and to be guided by facts </p></li>
<li><p>To be responsible to self and others and to accept responsibility for self preservation </p></li>
<li><p>To be willing to examine ones beliefs, fallacies, prejudices and assumptive behavior in an objective way and let them go </p></li>
<li><p>To be guided by reason rather than emotions, to be able to distinguish the two and also at the same time accommodate them appropriately and intelligently in one's life and priorities</p></li>
<li><p>To be assertive without being aggressive, to be friendly without the need to get attention, to disagree without the need to compete and to seek without the fear of failure or rejection</p></li>
<li><p>To be flexible and open-minded rather than rigid and judgmental, to be amenable to new situations and receptive to new knowledge, to be willing to learn new skills and new responses</p></li>
<li><p>To be inquisitive and exploratory, seeking answers to questions one does not know, gathering information before arriving at conclusions, stretching the mind to explore hidden possibilities and hidden potentialities </p></li>
<li><p>To act spontaneously to an occasion or situation, free from preconceived notions, the compulsion to be perfect or correct, habitual or mechanical reactions</p></li>
<li><p>To be in touch with the present and enjoy the passing moment </p></li>
<li><p>To know what is possible and achievable and to acknowledge that which is not </p></li>
</ol>
<p>And yes, my 19 yr old S certainly can be considered immature even based on this list. But I suspect that most 19 yr olds have still not mastered many of these regardless of sex.</p>
<p>My daughter is two years older than my son. In many respects, she has always been -- and remains -- light-years beyond him in sophistication. In terms of emotional maturity, though, they are not so far apart. He is generally more positive and more open, and in a funny way that makes him more sophisticated about love than she. Although she taught him everything he knows about selfless accommodation to another person's needs. [Insert smiley.]</p>
<p>What I remember from this age is that the boys were much more romantic than the girls, at least among the weird slice of HYPer-achieving kids that I knew best. The boys generally wanted not One Thing, but Two Things, the second being kind of a True Love Replacement Mom. The girls were much more cynical -- there's that sophistication again! -- and weren't always so sure what they wanted. It was girls who did perverse things. This confused the boys a lot, and sometimes bruised our inflated-but-delicate egos, and we often didn't handle it well.</p>
<p>Whit Stillman's and Richard Linklater's films capture my age cohort pretty well. They are quite popular with my kids -- every time I learn something about their real lives, I am impressed with how little has changed.</p>
<p>My D2 was one of those kids who hated to leave HS as the experience was so wonderful, for her it really was. Freshman year was rough, her roommate situation was just plain nasty, we've realized that more in retrospect now that it is improved, her BF was at another school in a far away galaxy and her sport teammates were not "her people" they are nice people, but were not future soulmates. D needs soulmates around, she needs deep and abiding friendships, which, of course, take time to develop.</p>
<p>Fast forward to the end of sophomore year: she rushed a sorority (in a not exceedingly Greek school, so it is not a stereotypical sorority) and has a great roommate, has separated the wheat from the chaff of the frosh new relationships and has kept some excellent friends. BF is still far far away, but she has matured into knowing how to deal with it and realizing she is capable of dealing with the distance thing. She still says her HS was awesome and is still in touch with many HS friends who are spread out all over.</p>
<p>I had the privilege to stay with her for a couple of weeks post surgery (top bunk, thank you!) and truly get an inside look at her friends & it was great, nice kids who really care, lots of fun, but lots of studying. I'm giving her an A ;)</p>
<p>The main point is that she was miserable the first year, yet we came up with some tactics to deal with it, she pursued them all and it worked. If your freshman is miserable, unhappy, etc. help them see the ways out of the bad situation, use your experience to give them the tools to fix it. Ha! Of course that depends on which kind of kid you have- D2 called me about all her issues, so I knew them and could help her solve them. If you have a kid who does not ask for help it is so much more difficult. I have one who is very private and I do my best, generally offering suggestions to an entire realm of situations which may or may not actually apply, a scattershot approach, hoping some of the points hit home.</p>
<p>Re: the "maturity" issue. The females in my household are W-A-Y more mature than the males. [Full disclosure: I'm the only male in our household.]</p>
<p>Re: the "maturity" issue. The females in my household are W-A-Y more mature than the males. [Full disclosure: I'm the only female in our household :)]</p>
<p>Nobody's very mature in our household (3 men, 2 women), except maybe sometimes that youngest boy who has to put up with the lot of us.</p>
<p>D immediately found friendship at college after being shunned in h.s. for her quirkiness. At college, she didn't have to dumb down her vocabulary (her description, not mine) and was happy and popular. That was true justice b/c she is naturally friendly and bubbly. I had told her through h.s., "just hold until college, you'll find friendship there." Thank heavens I was correct on that one.
At the end of freshman year, after some relationships of a few weeks each, and the development of a solid circle of true friends, she noticed mutual attraction with one guy from within that circle. They corresponded over the summer and began seeing each other as sophomores, then 3 solid years of only this guy. </p>
<p>I can draw no conclusions about this but I just pray that her loyalty is well-placed as they both proceed on past graduation now.</p>
<p>cur...eventually you will have to stop posting these personal threads on mudgie without changing your screenname and drawl. We shouldn't be thinking or talking about a sex--I mean social-- life of an identifiable college kid.</p>
<p>Girls are more mature when it comes to homework but they are positively insane when it comes to modern relationships. Admittedly, girls are caught in the bogus trap of so-called 'casual sex' while their physiology tells them to marry the best mate they can find. </p>
<p>Boys aren't caught in that trap. Their physiology isn't telling them to find a mate at age 20. As a result, boys are far more relaxed and balanced about dating --especially if they are not a target of what I call 'mate-seekers'.</p>
<p>During her 'A' semester, your D could have banged into this fundamental paradox, cur. It's worth talking to her about the ins and outs of relationships--why she feels so crazy. Why dating in 2007 is crazy. Why girls are binge drinking to numb their feelings. </p>
<p>I've had to tell my 21 year old that he can't accept romantic dinner and movie invitations at a girl's apartment if he wants to avoid her bed and the pressure to get into a heavy relationship. You'd think he'd figure that out for himself, but he has no idea that he is great husband/father material. He's convinced that only his mother thinks that--despite lots of evidence to the contrary (girls going nuts with insecurity and demands after a few dates). The bottom line is that he cannot date casually in 2007. Not if he wants to avoid the emotional fireworks. Nope. Wouldn't be prudent.</p>
<p>He loved that conversation, haha.</p>
<p>Nevermind what school they go to, the mate choice is probably far more influential to the course of their lives.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>WashDadJrTwo (I need to think of a better nickname than that) is charming, tall, blue-eyed, funny, talented, smart, and in tune to the feelings of others. He is, in every way, the extrovert that JrOne isn't. We can't go anywhere in this town without a girl waving and yelling, "JrTwo! JrTwo! Hi!" and then hugging him. He's 15. I thought only fathers of daughters were supposed to be nervous. The only thing I'm not nervous about is that -- as far as I can tell -- his taste in girls is exquisite. I've never met a girl that is his friend (he has no "girl friend") that isn't completely charming and level-headed. I hope he keeps it that way.</p>
<p>The key word is 'tall'. Proving the physiology component, I swear that 'tall' is the key factor in my son's attractiveness to young females. His short friends can't get a second look.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It's never seemed to work that way in reverse for D. ;)</p>
<p>Interesting responses. I will ponder them all.</p>
<p>cheers said:
[quote]
As a result, boys are far more relaxed and balanced about dating --especially if they are not a target of what I call 'mate-seekers'.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Cheers - that statement terrified me. It's so true, but, <em>groan</em> those mate-seekers seem to be very single-minded.</p>
<p>Curm: Don't blame me. I'm always encouraging my very tall sons to date taller girls. Sheesh. I hate it when they show up with the five-footers. ;)</p>
<p>Oh bosh about "tall"</p>
<p>My 5' daughter learned to stilt-walk this year. So watch out, cheers!</p>
<p>My sons are 5'5" and 5'6"
It's all about being a great listener 1:1 and witty in a crowd.</p>
<p>They often get shot down by the taller girls but not always.
Since the average height for females is 5'6" that leaves plenty.</p>
<p>The entertainment/storyteller gene has been documented as a cave-age survival gene, just as height and brawn for men. Someone had to come back from the hunt and be able to tell everyone else the story of the day (around the campfire) so they could go out again the next day and find the herd.</p>
<p>Later the campfire began charging a cover for drinks, and nightclubs were born.</p>