<p>DD will be heading off to college next year. She is a great kid, serious student and has many interests beyond the classroom. My concern is that she has virtually no social life. She has a group of friends she hangs out with at school and she regularly gets together with her study groups but her friends rarely get together for any social events. Every other month they may head into the city and spend the day at a musuem but that is about it. </p>
<p>DD has a job that she loves, she gets along with her co-workers but she does not see them outside of work. She also has an internship, but she does not socialize with anyone outside the office.</p>
<p>Her lack of social life is 100% her choice and she is comfortable and happy being home on Friday & Saturday nights.</p>
<p>She is now choosing between 3 smaller LAC's, two are 2,000+ miles away, another is 1 hour from home. DH and I are hoping she will get involved in college life. We love all 3 schools and feel like the student body at each school will be a good fit and DD agrees. We don't want her to spend all her free time in her room and at the library.</p>
<p>Do any of you have a child who was a homebody in hs? How was their college experience?</p>
<p>I was a homebody in HS and went to a small LAC about 1,000 miles from home. While I’m not sure if I would say I “blossomed” while I was there, I did have a great group of friends in college, including my roommate who I remained friends with throughout. I was involved in many campus activities and did not spend all my free time in my room or the library although sometimes I did prefer to be alone. I truly loved my college experience! It broadened my horizons in a way that nothing else ever has. I grew up a lot and I became much more confident in myself. Frankly, even now, as a 50-something woman, while I’m somewhat more social than I was in HS and have several close friends, I would still consider myself a homebody and I’m happy to be that way. For some of us introverts, I think that’s just how we are.</p>
<p>My freshman daughter fits this description perfectly - never went out on weekends, never had a date/boyfriend, never went to any of the HS football games, her only after school activities were chorus and newspaper (which both are not at all social). She would often be up late on weekends doing homework.</p>
<p>This year she has blossomed in college - she has made a huge group of friends, she has a boyfriend, she eats most lunches and dinners with these friends. They have a particular lounge they all hang out in whenever they are free. They spend weekend nights together playing games (video games, card games, Magic?), watching movies, etc. This group may not do most of the typical college social things - go to parties, go to sports events, and go to concerts - but since those things don’t interest her that is perfect. The key is that she has found like-minded people - probably because the school is such a good fit for her. </p>
<p>She also joined 3 clubs: a craft group, a food group, and a book group (she joined these on her own without any friends). Her first semester she even took free weekly Italian lessons. Yes, there are still times she locks herself in her room and studies for the day - but this is who she is. She says she has never been happier in her life.</p>
<p>DS had no friends in high school despite playing two sports. Weekends and every free minute he was online with World of Warcraft. We were very worried. He goes to a school 4 - 5 hours away (depending on traffic). </p>
<p>Fast forward four years: he has a large group of friends. He has gotten himself involved in a church and Bible study and is active in a fraternity. He had his first relationship. It lasted a year and ended as well as those things can end. </p>
<p>Coincidentally, when he was home for Christmas, he asked us “would you ever have imagined I’d be as social as I am now?” We all (including him!) agreed we would have bet big money he’d be a recluse in college. There are really no words to describe how much he’s changed. </p>
<p>I think it helped that he lived in a dorm where there were a bunch of freshmen, and they all kind of bonded together. I also (in retrospect) realized that many of the kids I’d wished he were hanging out with in high school may not have been such good influences. I think his isolation was, in part, self-protection.</p>
<p>Don’t despair! Your daughter sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. I think she’ll do fine.</p>
<p>D was the opposite. She had a very broad social circle in HS and by the time she was out of school she was more of a “homebody”. Still social, but with a very small group of friends. By junior year she tended to throw small dinner parties and hang out at small restaurants rather than party with big groups of people at large parties or clubs. People’s comfort zones change as they mature. Some broaden and some contract.</p>
<p>In HS, he started with few friends that contracted over the years. Although he never turned down invites, he never instigated it either. Never made any effort to join in things or to organize anything so was near complete homebody by the time of graduation. He seemed perfectly happy with his condition.</p>
<p>Went off to college and started off being pretty social. Spring break trips etc. Then over couple of years, it has shriveled up again and he looks like he’s back to being a near hermit. I suspect it’s at least partly his choice; not seeking out social events/situations and likely pretty passive. Had a girlfriend for few months but decided it wasn’t worth the trouble so broke up with her although remains on good terms. Is on a varsity team and I noticed this weekend (on the instant stream I was watching) that at one point during the meet, when he was warming the bench, he was literally warming the bench with a book on his lap rather than watching/cheering like everyone else. He seems happy enough and doesn’t seem depressed or anything. Says he’s very focused on his studies and that is true. I guess it’s his choice.</p>
<p>Long way of saying, it could end up as whatever. I guess best we can do is have our child be satisfied with whatever circumstances they create for themselves.</p>
<p>Don’t pressure her AT ALL on this. Nothing you say is likely to make any difference in this anyway. She likely will make some friends on her hall, and will want to find a group to eat with. Very easy to do at a small LAC, I think. </p>
<p>I think it is easier to have a social life in college – you are living and eating in close proximity to your friends anyway, so they will just ask you along to whatever is going on. Let her find her own way on this.</p>
<p>I’m not sure why you’re posing this like a problem that needs to be fixed. Maybe she’s just an introvert. Not everyone needs to go out and such to be happy. If she’s choosing this and happy, why does it need to change?</p>
<p>In my opinion, this isn’t something you should demand of her. </p>
<p>If she doesn’t have a Friday and Saturday night social life, it may be because:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>She is a natural introvert and is getting as much social contact as she wants from the activities she already has.</p></li>
<li><p>She recognizes that alcohol and drugs would be present at Friday/Saturday night activities, and she prefers not to have to deal with that problem.</p></li>
<li><p>Nobody is inviting her to weekend evening social activities, for whatever reason.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Putting pressure on her to change, at home or at college, isn’t going to modify any of these situations.</p>
<p>I’m not the only one with a child like this? She is so much like me in many ways, but this isn’t one of them. I was always a social creature during my childhood and teen years. I was never home. Always out of the office. Not her. Happy to hang out with her mom every weekend. Actually prefers me to her peers. For those who are asking, yes I think it’s weird. Makes me wonder if she’s a little too attached. I too am hoping college will cause her to spread her wings and find her place in the world, outside the four walls she lives in. I worry because she claims now that she would rather avoid all the drugs and alcohol her fellow high schoolers are partaking in. But in college she will have a much harder time avoiding that. And I think she will be ill-prepared to deal with her peers on many other issues as well.</p>
<p>I think it’s actually easier to avoid things like drugs and heavy drinking at college than in high school. I know most of the parties when I was in HS had both, and for that reason I usually didn’t go. When I went to college there were many clubs and activities for those that didn’t drink, as well as the parties not so much being about getting drunk as having a good time with friends.</p>
<p>One of my biggest complaints about grad school parties I go to now is they mostly seem to be about getting hammered so you don’t think about how miserable you are. :(</p>
<p>My oldest had only a handful of friends in high school and often chose not to go out with them even when they went somewhere. (He’s picky about movies and food.) </p>
<p>I wouldn’t say he exactly blossomed in college (Carnegie Mellon School of Computer Science), but he had a real social life there, albeit a rather nerdly one. Lots more kids who shared his interests - sci fi, graphic novels, board and computer games. His idea of a good time was to spend it chatting and playing games while hanging around the Linux cluster. He was often playing on line games at the same time as he hung out. He’s now graduated living out in CA and he spends plenty of weekends home alone, but he also sometimes and goes and plays board games with friends. He seems happy. But to me the biggest sign that he’s in some way blossomed is that every spring so far he’s returned to the Carnegie Mellon campus for Carnival to see and play with his friends in person. Interestingly, some of these friends are alumni from other years and he did not necessarily ever know them in person.</p>
<p>Kiddie’s post describes my DD almost exactly. As many of you have said natural introverts are quite content spending time alone and in fact need it to decompress from the stress of socializing. I as a natural extrovert had a very difficult time “getting it”. Many a fight in my early married life was due to being married to my opposite, an introvert. Fortunately by the time my DD was older I was finally able to appreciate her needs and relax about my own anxieties that she didn’t have lots of friends or might be lonely. My son on the other hand is a total extrovert. It has made for some interesting relating between the four of all these years. Follow your DD’s lead, she will find her happiness even if it’s in her room or the library on a Fri or Sat night.</p>
<p>So far the answer is no for my S but it’s only been one semester.</p>
<p>I was thinking about this today and remembered that it was a process for me. By my junior year, I had blossomed. It didn’t really begin until I was a sophomore so my freshman year, not much was different. That’s anecdotal but I wonder if it’s common.</p>
<p>Although, I am aware of several pivot points in my life that altered my thinking. I’m wondering how to help my S encounter some meaningful pivot points for the better. Mine were completely random and I don’t know if I’d be the same without them.</p>
<p>My DD2 was a homebody - some very close friends but few in number. She blossomed at college 2K miles away - involved in multiple clubs, went abroad to Japan where her classes were taught in Japanese, president of two different clubs this year. She still does some solitary activities (I think that’s how she recharges) but is much more outgoing. She is positively voluble on the phone now.</p>
<p>Be prepared for the possibility that a young person of this sort will spread her wings only until she finds a new nest.</p>
<p>Some college students find a group of friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend or both during the first few months of college and spend the rest of their four years with them. They may also find an activity or two in which they are comfortable and continue that throughout their college years. </p>
<p>So for some, the only exploration occurs during the first semester. </p>
<p>Not that there’s anything wrong with that, necessarily.</p>
<p>My son’s story is similar to your daughter. Don’t worry. He has improved drastically from a social stanpoint since going away to college in September.</p>
<p>Nothing to worry about.</p>
<p>Kids develop socially at different rates.</p>
<p>She will find her niche.</p>
<p>When my son returned home for Christmas Break, a number of people noticed the improvement.</p>
<p>I think sometimes extroverts really don’t get how much introverts need alone time to be happy, and how much being around other people can drain us.</p>
<p>There is a difference between social anxiety – wanting to be with others but feeling nervous and ill-at-ease – and just preferring a smaller crowd and plenty of alone time. If she’s happy, that’s all that counts.</p>