<p>My child has coasted through high school with an enormous amount of help from parents and teachers to organize materials, hand in assignments, start early on projects and prepare for tests. He is messy, disorganized and counts on others to point (sometimes shove!) him in the right direction to do what is expected of him in school and at home. In short, he is not yet mature enough to function independently at college.
Should he take a gap year to work or study abroad? He needs to learn to live outside the home, be responsible for cleanliness, meals, finances, and schedules without the help of well-meaning but infantilizing parents and teachers.<br>
Please share experiences of your children who have taken a gap year to mature and become ready for college. Or, please share how your disorganized child fared during the first year of college.</p>
<p>Why not have him go to a local CC? If he’s resistant, say it’s for the cost savings and not because you think he can’t handle university. And don’t help him with school anymore.</p>
<p>While I have raised my son to be independent, it does feel like he has fought me every step of the way. (Who does that?!) He is what I like to call ‘laid back’ and doesnt really try too hard or get outwardly excited about much. I think his first semester in college next year will be a bit of an eye opener for him which can only be a good thing. We are not looking at CC or a gap year, I feel college is the answer for him and he will survive then thrive. But it is a bit worrisome.</p>
<p>The only reason I would not send a kid to an away college is because it is unaffordable. </p>
<p>If you don’t send him, he is never going to learn living with others or fending for himself.</p>
<p>Have you had your son evaluated for a learning disability? It may be that he chooses not to get organized, or it may be that he has a disability that makes it much harder for him than for other people. One of my kids has this… it has required a ton more patience and “hand holding” through the years to get her (precariously, I admit) ready to go to college this fall. But it sure helped us (and the school) to have a diagnosis and get support from the learning specialist to help her develop some strategies in this area. Which she doesn’t always follow… but she is aware of the possiblity… and does use some of them some of the time now.</p>
<p>In my kid’s case I don’t think a gap year would have done a bit of good. Because it isn’t really an issue of maturity for her. I suspect an MRI of her brain would show… something fuzzy in the area where we all keep our organization skills. 
Not really, but I do literally think it is a brain difference of some sort. So in my kid’s case if she had not gotten her act together enough for a 4 year school (which actually remains to be seen this fall, but she is admitted!), I think a CC might have been a good alternative with some kind of coaching support to continue to develop the skills she needs.</p>
<p>@Texaspg - well put! My parents insisted I go to college in my hometown and my first job out of college was a miserable failure, in part because I never had to develop any independence.</p>
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<p>Seems like sending this student to college is an all or nothing proposition – either he learns to fend for himself very quickly, or is at risk of flunking out due to not adapting quickly enough.</p>
<p>Friend of mine sent hers to a cc about 30 miles from home, but she dorms there. Gotta say, it’s been great for a kid for whom “management” was a questionable proposition. Had she not been able to pull it together, she could’ve been back home next semester where there was more structure. </p>
<p>Sending a kid “away” to college is an all or nothing proposition, but sending a kid “near” doesn’t have to be. WOuldn’t have to be a community college, either, although that’s the best bet financially. Many communities have small LACs with good local reputations, even if they never get mentioned on college confidential.</p>
<p>If a 4 year university admits him and he wants to go, do not stand in the way. The university will either keep him, or he’ll be asked to leave. This is between them.</p>
<p>There are things you can do to help, and I think you should do. Look online at the Undergraduate Catalog and read it carefully. Know what classes are required to be admitted to certain majors. You know your son and whether success in those classes is realistic. Know if grades for repeated classes replace old grades. Know -make sure he knows- the last day to drop a class. Know that a WP and WF doesn’t look great but may be necessary.</p>
<p>If you want him to pay for repeated classes, or if he needs a 5th year, don’t consider that a huge failure.</p>
<p>He may lose things. He may lose a credit card. I wouldn’t provide a car (more expense and responsibility than needed) but you will need to provide the transportation to/from campus.</p>
<p>Good Luck!</p>
<p>What does your son say he wants to do? What can you afford (4 year - gap year working, gap year overseas, etc)?</p>
<p>Not all students need college - some do well in the trades (often with a trade school education).</p>
<p>If HE is not interested in more education and putting forth effort of some sort, I think you’d be wasting money insisting on it. Some kids do need a year or two of work - any work - to get their minds in focus. It’s not that rare. Some find they are happy just working, others get inspired to get an education and do well.</p>
<p>There is no reason that this young man can not spend a year or two at a CC. The idea that this will lead to his never leaving home is complete baloney. My three siblings and I are all proof that that is false (and I know many others as well).</p>
<p>OP what year is your S right now? Perhaps it is time to slowly start letting go and putting some of the responsibility on his shoulders. He may very well surprise you. I found that my kids functioned far better when they were less hovered over.</p>
<p>“risk of flunking out due to not adapting quickly enough”</p>
<p>I was not reading OP’s issue as tied to education, only maturity and working with others.</p>
<p>My oldest took a gap year (for a couple of reasons) and it, so far, has made all the difference in the world. At the time, he was a reasonably smart kid but unfocused and unmotivated. Why would you encourage a kid to enter a situation where he will almost certainly fail?</p>
<p>We had him get some skin in the game. He took the year off, worked, took one writing class at the CC and a couple of Open Courseware units. He had to save enough to pay for his first semester and we charged him room and board. That exposure to real life, working in a warehouse, paying his own bills, getting himself up in the morning, taught him how much he really wants an education and where it will get him. </p>
<p>That, combined with an extra year of maturity, makes him likely to succeed and do well. There is no doubt in our minds that he would have crashed and burned last year. We have too many close examples of kids doing miserably while going away with doubts as to their capacity. </p>
<p>Another note: he changed his major between last year and this, without having to retake classes or pay for useless credits.</p>
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<p>What about this?</p>
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<p>I.e. even if he has the intellectual capabilities to succeed in college, he is at risk due to poor organization and time management skills that could cause him to miss classes, assignments, and tests, resulting in poor performance in school.</p>
<p>This is still time management and setting your self reminders. He did need to do the actual work. </p>
<p>If everyone else did his work for him, then he should probably never go to college.</p>
<p>What does HE want to do?</p>
<p>I could have written this post, 2 years ago. Son wanted to go, but I could see he was apprehensive (as were his parents.) So he went. Tried, and failed. Had nervous breakdown. Came home with his spirits crushed. Turns out, like intparent suggests, he had a learning disability which accounted for a lot of that disorganization. (To this day I kick myself for listening to the ‘experts’ at his school that it wasn’t a disability but just being lazy.) Disability was exacerbated by previously undiagnosed depression/anxiety. His self-esteem took such a beating, he’s still not been able to “get it together” despite a year of counseling and meds. </p>
<p>So talk honestly to your boy, OP. Try to see where his head/heart are at. Maybe have him tested? </p>
<p>For us, sending away a kiddo who wasn’t ready has had painful consequences.</p>
<p>I have a spoon-fed son, too. He is going to be a sophomore in high school this year. He tells everyone who asks that he is absolutely, positively not going away to college.</p>
<p>I have a kid in college who finished one year. The kid did really well in school and college but while at one home, one would think the kid is almost helpless who just can’t survive in college.</p>
<p>Eleven months later, the kid seems quite helpless at home again… One has to wonder about those 11 months when there was no help from any of us. :D</p>
<p>I’m still helping my Junior with stuff…meeting deadlines on LIFE stuff more than school stuff…paying tuition on time, applying for scholarships, applying for housing, etc. She applies for a lot of outside scholarships, and it’s very time-intensive and it takes a lot to keep up with that, plus school, plus performances, studying, etc.</p>
<p>So I’ve been helping her long distance, and gradually letting go of it bit by bit. So, I’ll say something like, “This year, it will be your responsibility to manage the deadlines and the requirements for these scholarships.” I’m only helping if you ask for help with specific tasks. And then next semester, I’ll let go of something else, and so on…</p>
<p>So as she starts getting better and managing things, I let go of more things. Just because they move away doesn’t mean you have to turn off the faucet. You can leave it dripping until the kid is ready.</p>
<p>Just a note, my FRESHMAN manages better than my junior. The junior is very responsible and thorough and wants to do a good job - she’s just a bit disorganized…tends to get lost in the weeds - but she’s getting better.</p>
<p>D has a high school friend who is now at Princeton who was grounded in high school by her parents in a last ditch effort to get her to finish her college applications. She submitted minutes before the deadline. Why? she had worked so hard during all of high school. Some kids are like “deer-caught-in-the-headlights” I’ve seen it with excellent students, not just slackers. Another friend missed the deadline to submit needed materials for being National Merit (commended or finalist, I’m not sure) She was riding in my car at the time, we were 90 minutes away from her house, it was in the evening, and she said “oh no, I forgot, I was suppose to mail this”.</p>