^^Great post on tough love from a teacher. My own daughter is polite and very concerned about others’ feelings, so was also saying she didn’t want to “bother” the teacher or be too pushy. I told her many anecdotes about my own students, how I sometimes give opportunities to students who are far from my favorites, or even the most “gifted” but because they are aggressive enough to ask for them. (This information was shocking to her, but it’s true and I think it’s pretty much always true…) I also used the winking sly acronym WWJD, “J” being the initial of a pushy rival. When she was feeling to reticent to ask her teachers for an opportunity/recommendation/favor and I knew it would be snapped up quickly by a rival, the mere mention of WWJD would help her refocus and give her the courage to ask.
I notice this lack of assertiveness seems to often be a female problem. My brother is a partner in a law firm where they just had a workshop on this in a retreat. In one program, all the males had fellowships and all the women had assistantships (less pay and prestige). Reason was that the males all applied to the fellowships and the women didn’t.
That said, I used to push my daughter but haven’t for years. I am grateful she did not change her personality in order to succeed. That takes strength and I respect it. Not that there weren’t things that she could do more assertively, that she eventually learned to tolerate. But the quality of your work CAN bring opportunities over time. Key point: “over time.”
Also, each individual can contribute to the atmosphere, so being nice benefits all, including the person being nice 
Lack of assertiveness is not a female problem…it’s a societal problem. Don’t blame the victim (but I do understand that’s not what you meant…even I slip on that banana peel sometimes…still it’s a socialization issue…not something inherent to being female).
And…I think that I’m a very nice person. I’m also competitive. I love to compete! That’s why I run. Nothing like me and a line…and no subjectivity just the clock. Being nice and competitive are not mutually exclusive. I stress that to my D. Also…she got a fellowship for grad school.
And maybe the women didn’t apply in that particular field based on past history where they know that their chances of success are low. Just because they apply doesn’t mean an even playing field of acceptance. Woman are often making rational choices due to past success rates…and then blamed for not asking. Unfortunately I’ve been around the back of the barn a few too many times to believe all that!
I agree–plenty of assertive/aggressive/competitive women in the music world.
I keep reading that women don’t ask about raises etc Companies are offering workshops on this apparently . Not blaming the victim so much as the culture that requires certain behaviors for success. When I mention gender I am referring to socialization not biology. I never said being competitive and being “nice” are mutually exclusive. This was more about being assertive or even aggressive.
My comment was a bit tongue in cheek (hence the banana comment). I get what you were saying @compmom. I don’t question your intent or concern about a difficult topic; I just respectfully disagree with some of the information.
For example, my understanding is that initially many of those salary issues were presented as women don’t try. But deeper more comprehensive studies have shown that women DO try and still have lower pay. Even the author of Lean In points out she made errors and was unfair in the end to women.
Also, I’m not sure companies are doing these seminars…maybe Oprah-type training seminars are available in the community for people who need to be more self-assertive. If any company suggested a seminar to me, I’d probably show with baseball bat…and point out that if there’s a problem, they could just look at their payroll and fix it. I’m quite sure I wouldn’t be the only angry woman attending.
Of course, women can be socialized differently…still they can be aggressive and assertive some by training, some by nature (same for men)…and still get paid less with plenty of excuses as to why. The point is, for music, ANYONE will need to be aggressive. And teachers will often work with their male or female students on this as the individual situation dictates.
Unfortunately I am stuck n my mothers hospital room and am not really able to type well on my phone. In the particular area of music my kid is in, gender is a huge issue . I have questioned why attendees at festivals are all male and have been told females did not apply. They said I abhor female only events and so on. We can continue this via pm when I have my computer but I am not too articulate with my fingers:)
Back on computer so “that said” not “they”!