<p>As it is getting close to that time of year where parents send their kids off to school, I thought a thread on ‘things to tell kids as they go off to college’ might be helpful to parents doing this or for kids surfing into this sub-forum. It can be anything from social things to academic things. I’m sure there are other like threads but I couldn’t find them. Starting it off … </p>
<li><p>Avoid dormcest. Colleges can be small enough after a breakup with someone that also goes there but can be absolutely miserable when that ex is also in your dorm and you see him or her all the time. </p></li>
<li><p>Don’t mix your drinks … ever. Girls, if guys are pressing drinks on you and you think there is a chance that something good will occur, you will be sadly mistaken. </p></li>
<li><p>Frats. Girls, if the guys show you their stripper pole the correct response is to ask them to show you their dance moves. If they want to take you to the ‘dark’ room, your response is to tell them where they can shove their stripper pole. </p></li>
<li><p>The 80 / 20 rule applies - 20 percent of your classes will cause you 80 percent of pain and misery. Network with upperclassmen BEFORE you even set up your first term schedule. Find out the teachers and classes to avoid and the ones to take. Some classes cannot be avoided (such as the required science elective) but the choice of the class and professor can, at least, make this as good as possible. Consider postponing that troublesome class until you are an upperclassman where you are better prepared to deal with it or at the very least compete advantageously with most of the underclassmen taking the course. If you are lucky, postponing a class can also get you away from the awful professor who usually teaches it. Some professors or even classes will not have a track record - start with one too many courses and drop/add as needed. Sometimes, a first term course is required and there are multiple sections upon which you have no choice as to who teaches your section. This may be the class from Hell whereas another section is terrific. Approach the other professor, tell them the name of someone that had them and loved them and most likely they will help you make the change to their section. Thus under an hour of additional work can avoid you weeks and weeks of misery.</p></li>
<li><p>College is a time when you can re-invent yourself a bit. Tired of being called Teddie or wearing certain clothes? You can move to different (or a broader choice of clothes) or be called Ted quite easily. Sorry that you limited yourself to a rather small clique in high school? You can go for a broader circle of friends in college. </p></li>
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<p>What are things you would tell your kid or other kids as they go off to college?</p>
<p>^4. so true. By senior year I never had a bad lecturer. I also put off taking a really stupid class in my major. It was a full year. By the time my senior year rolled around, it became a one semester course taught by a visiting prof. It was still a dumb class, but the easiest A I ever got.</p>
<p>6) Show up. Most of life is showing up. Show up for class even if you are tired, or think you can study the notes on your own, or think that Thursday night is for partying and Friday morning is for sleeping in. Show up for class unless you are hospitalized or out-of-state.</p>
<p>7) Eat your calories. Drink water. This will avoid the dreaded Freshman 15.</p>
<p>(I could actually go on for hours with advice - just ask my kids!- but I’ll let others pitch in here so that I don’t monopolize all the good advice. ;))</p>
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<li><p>Avoid dormcest, but not religiously. Your mother and I met because we were in the same dorm.</p></li>
<li><p>That stuff about not mixing drinks is folklore. Your metabolism calls it all “alcohol”. Girls, if guys are pressing drinks on you, or talking to you for more than a few minutes, or even looking at you hard from across the room and getting giggly when you look back, it probably means that they want to have sex with you. If you want to have sex with them, you will probably be able to make it happen. If the boys are really nervous and insecure, pretending that you are drunker than you are will put them more at ease and give you lots of excuses to touch them, which is very effective with boys.</p></li>
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<p>If you don’t want to have sex with him, don’t drink with him for a long time. If you change your mind after drinking with him for a long time, you should just leave. If for some reason you can’t do that, make certain he keeps drinking, and heavily. After a certain point, drinking and sex are mutually exclusive activities.</p>
<p>Assuming that your ultimate goal is a relationship, and not being an alcoholic, you need to find someone you like being with sober. Drunken hook-ups are probably not an efficient way to do that. Lots of college couples are people who only like each other when they have had a few drinks; you will notice over time that those are people who drink too much.</p>
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<li> Limit the reinvention stuff. One of the most annoying aspects of your first year of college will be people lying about who they are. You’ll think you know them, and then over time some completely different person – often with a completely different NAME – will emerge. If their friends from home call them something else, watch out!</li>
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<p>If you’re going to miss a class because you’re sick, call/email your professor. I know I benefited from letting them know I’d be out with a back problem because I know others who missed days and didn’t call suffered grade-wise because of it. Besides, it’s common courtesy.</p>
<p>8) Meet your professors. Go see them during office hours. Ask questions and ask for help. They have office hours for a reason. </p>
<p>My advice on alcohol is to not ever drink the “punch” at a frat party and only to take a beer from a keg that where you have filled the cup yourself.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>It’s okay not to drink. The people who don’t drink at parties get to talk with anyone they want to, leave when they want to, and don’t wake up hungover. You can have a lot of fun not drinking.</p></li>
<li><p>If you want your professor to remember you in a good way, and write letters on your behalf, visit your professor during office hours, with a draft of the next assignment in hand, and turn in your assignments on time.</p></li>
<li><p>Classes that you take because you hear they’ll be easy are usually a waste of time and money.</p></li>
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<p>As my children know, one of the very best classes I took in college, a life-changing experience, was a class I took in large part because it had a reputation for being easy and fun. It WAS easy and fun . . . and a great class, in which I learned things I still use today all the time.</p>
<p>I’m a great believer in challenging yourself, but not everything good has to be hard.</p>
<p>Except for boys whose parents drilled into their heads that without full consent then it might be not sex, it might be sexual assault. </p>
<p>A retroactive thank you to my in-laws who raised their boys to be less at ease with partners who are intoxicated rather than more at ease. We’ve raised our kid the same way.</p>
<p>To sum it up, girls & boys, it’s your body and your choice. I hope you will seriously consider staying away from boys & girls who are more comfortable the drunker you are or pretend to be.</p>
<p>anxiousmom and akck–i agree. show up for classes! was it woody allen who said 95% of success is showing up? and as for drinks. . . .girls, avoid mixed drinks! sadly, it’s real. the head of res life at a major school told me many horror stories.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Never leave anything of value unattended. This means locking the door to your room when you go to the bathroom and using your hoodie, rather than your laptop, to reserve a seat for yourself in the dining hall or library.</p></li>
<li><p>Unintended sex rarely happens in the absence of alcohol or drugs.</p></li>
<li><p>If you’re not ready to have sex cold sober, you’re not ready to have sex.</p></li>
<li><p>If you’re not sure whether you want to major in X or Y, plan your schedule as though you were sure you were going to choose the more structured of the two majors. It is quite easy to switch from a highly structured major (e.g., engineering, biology, computer science) to a less structured one (e.g., political science, economics, psychology). Switching the other way is difficult and often requires summer school or an extra semester, which does not come cheap.</p></li>
<li><p>Go to class. Do the work. It’s what you’re paying for.</p></li>
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<p>pugmadkate: I stand by my (not very serious) advice as a general matter. I’m sure there are outliers in any distribution. I didn’t say, by the way, “pretend to be on the verge of passing out”. Yccch. (Actually, most of the time passing out, or faking it, will resolve an awkward situation. So will vomiting. That’s good to know!)</p>
<p>Actually, the real advice I gave my kids was Marian’s #3. But I didn’t wait for them to be leaving for college to do it.</p>
<p>Here, verbatim, is the advice my father gave me before I left for college. It took him about 30 minutes to get this out of his mouth, he was so uncomfortable with the discussion. (We talked a lot, but mostly about movies or politics.) He made clear that this was the Essential Male Wisdom of the Ages that his father had handed down to him before he left home:</p>
<p>“When the guys are bragging about what they do with their girlfriends, a lot of the time it’s just bragging, you know?”</p>
<p>It was a great moment in my life: the realization that what I thought of as “my father” was really an elaborate hoax my mother had perpetrated on me, and that my real father had no clue what was going on in my life.</p>
<p>I gave my first son a few of these (in so many words).</p>
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<li><p>Start as you mean to go on. Anything worth doing, is worth doing well.</p></li>
<li><p>If you wouldn’t have sex sober, don’t have drunk sex (my mom’s version was something like “why buy the cow if the milk’s free”, but whatever). And use public transportation when you go out to party.</p></li>
<li><p>If you feel like skipping a class because you’re tired, lazy, hung over, whatever… just take about $300 out of your own wallet and rip it up into shreds. That’s about what that one class cost (yes, I’m sure I exaggerated).</p></li>
<li><p>We’re paying for the teacher to teach you. Get to know the professor, email/visit during office hours/ask questions if you don’t get something. Most professors will go to bat for someone they know as vs just a name/number in the crowd. </p></li>
<li><p>Work hard, play smart. </p></li>
<li><p>Keep in touch with home base once in awhile. It’s the nice thing to do.</p></li>
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<p>Dormcest in the form of hook-ups is a bad idea. But I’ve seen couples whose relationships lasted far past the duration of their time in the dorm. It’d be a pity if they had eschewed those relationships just because of that rule.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Always have a designated driver. Never, ever, ever drive after drinking even one drink or beer. Not ever a good idea. Even if you’re using public transportation it’s a good idea to have someone along who isn’t drinking and can actually think.</p></li>
<li><p>Go to class no matter what. You may think it’s not important but profs notice who is there and who only shows up for exams. It can make a difference in your grade if you’re borderline and the prof knows you and knows that you’re working hard. It’s not sucking up to get to know the prof; it’s just smart.</p></li>
<li><p>Broaden your groups of friends, meet as many people as you can. Go home with them over holidays to experience another part of the country or a different culture. That’s what college is all about.</p></li>
<li><p>Remember the old folks at home who birthed you. They miss you and hearing from you when you’re not sick or in trouble or asking for money makes them happy.</p></li>
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