Best Advice for Rising College Freshmen? Relationships, alcohol, sex, rape prevention, parties, etc.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I want to separate this discussion from the more comprehensive rape discussion. </p>

<p>I am interested in parents and students thoughts about best advice to give students (boys or girls) who are going off to college this fall. Especially as it relates to relationships, alcohol, sex, rape prevention and managing issues of that nature. My eldest will be a freshman in the fall, and I suspect that I am not the only one who is in that situation and thinking about the best things to tell them before they leave.</p>

<p>I have pasted a few relevant recent posts from the never-ending college rape thread, and would like to also hear what anyone else's thoughts are. </p>

<p>Comments in the other thread included:</p>

<p>Niqui77
My take on parties in college are different. I mean...it sounds as if the "smart" kid leaves the party because the party isn't a "good thing". But the kids who stay at the parties and enjoy themselves aren't bad, either? There is such thing as staying strong, knowing your limit, partying "smart"? Do some parents recognize this? My mom would tell me to enjoy myself (because kids will) but keep my eyes open, to stay with people who genuinely have your best interest in mind, and be able to sober up if things get out of control.</p>

<p>Niqui77
I don't participate in hook-up culture, but there are the instances with many girls actually, where they believe it's their choice and that they've come to that decision, when in reality they were heavily influenced by culture or their environment to believe it's what they wanted or maybe even expected of them...which goes back to what saintfan was saying where girls say "I thought this is what happens on college."</p>

<p>Cardinal Fang
I'm repeating this for emphasis too. Girls and women have choices now. But that doesn't mean they should allow peer pressure (from other girls as well as boys) to push them into some sexual acts they are not enjoying. It's supposed to be fun. I worry about this particularly for younger girls. Servicing him isn't making you empowered, you fifteen year old girl. It's just making you his sex toy. That's degrading, not empowering.</p>

<p>Mom2and
Not sure all girls are getting the message to only "do what they want". From what I have heard and read, some girls feel peer pressure to participate in the "hook up" culture because that is just the way things are. I hope that girls are getting the message that they should only do what they want AND that it is OK if what they want is to not participate.</p>

<p>PoetGrl
If you are the parent of a son and you want to protect your son from the highly unlikely and rare case of false reporting, teach him to be careful about going home with girls he doesn't know well</p>

<p>TatinG
Only committed relationships. No drunkenness.</p>

<p>PoetGrl
If you want your girls to know this? Speak frankly and openly and explicitly about sex and expectations. If a young woman is aware of what she can expect from a sexual encounter, good or bad, then she can make her choices accordingly. Too many parents fail to discuss sex openly with their daughters. I understand it is an uncomfortable conversation. And, there are books that can be given instead. But all girls should be aware of the difference between a mutually satisfying sexual encounter and a selfish sexual request. It helps them to not be taken by surprise.</p>

<p>Niquii77
"It bothers me that girls, in high school and college, think that they are being free in their sexuality but often are doing things that essentially "service" the boys without getting much in return, accept maybe a happy boy."</p>

<p>Repeated for emphasis. I've seen this happen and I've heard a guy say, "Just wait with the empowered ones because they'll just talk themselves as if it's something they really want to do." Some young women believe their sexual empowerment allows them to have as sex with whoever they want, how much they want, and whenever they want. This is true, but they loose sight on what they really want, when in reality they're cutting themselves short. In the end, they feel lonely, confused, and unsatisfied.</p>

<p>Of course I would tell both my son and daughter not to drink to excess, to tell their potential partner what their expectations are for the encounter, and to ask if the partner is interested.</p>

<p>Also repeated for emphasis. The communication of expectations is very important. Both parties intentions must be known. In the case where a girl and a guy have been talking all night at the party (they may or may not have been drinking) and the guy offers for them to go back to his place, and his aim for bringing her back is to have sex with her, he should disclose that.</p>

<p>What are your thoughts?</p>

2

<p>There’s not much you can do once they get sent away. Typically most girls are going to have a handful of “hook ups” freshman year and then realize it’s fairly cheap behavior. They grow out of it. A few never do the “hook up” thing. A few do some truly unspeakable things through college. Just stressing that they know their worth, that they value themselves and drink responsibly is all you can do. The “hook up” culture is pretty disgusting in my eye. I don’t think it’s empowering, or the accessory of an ambitious girl, as it’s written about.</p>

3

<p>Are we talking about general advice to give to college students about drinking and sex or things that parents can tell their college-bound children?</p>

<p>If I could single out one piece of advice re: drinking behavior in college, it would probably be “learn your alcohol limits early and consistently reevaluate.” I would estimate that a good 80-90% of the alcohol-related mishaps I dealt with in res life were due to people who had exceeded the limit beyond which they could retain control of their faculties. I think the generally recommend maximums are 4 drinks for a young woman and 5 drinks for a young man, but that might be too much for someone who is new to drinking or rarely drinks. (Also, it doesn’t specify the kind of drink. 4-5 mixed drinks is, IMO, way too much for an 18-year-old college student who isn’t used to drinking.)</p>

<p>Also, you’d be surprised (or maybe not) how many freshmen and sophomores especially have to learn the hard way that eating food and other activities affect how drunk you get. I got a surprising amount of students who had absolutely no idea how many drinks/shots/beers they’d had, especially if they had been drinking over an extended period of time (the dreaded “day drinking.”) The idea of keeping track was foreign to them. OR they remember wrong - they insist that they only had 4 or 5 shots and then i talk to their sober friend who said that it was more like 10. Make a mark on your hand if you have to! Bring a Sharpie!</p>

<p>But also important is the consistent reevaluation of your drinking habits. Some people get really used to a certain amount, but then they gain or lose weight and aren’t sure how much they need to drink to get where they want to be.</p>

<p>I remember cringing as I passed a group of young women before a popular campus event who yelled “We’re gonna drink until we forget our own names!” WHY. WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT? (And believe me…I have had a few students who were so drunk they could not remember their own names. It is terrible. It is not fun, for them or for me or for the hospital.) So one of the things we were doing on campus before I left working in res life was trying to promote the idea that “buzzed” is better than drunk, or the idea that college students should be aiming for the nice fuzzy “buzzed”/“tipsy” feeling rather than raucous blackout drink. So maybe sharing that kind of information with your kid? Go for tipsy/buzzed, not super blackout drunk. And remember that it can take a couple minutes for you go to from totally sober to buzzed; the solution is to wait a minute, not down 2 more drinks.</p>

<p>*</p>

<p>As for the sex thing…well. I have lots of feelings. But I’ll just say that when you’re very young, you haven’t really yet developed the confidence and sense of self that you’ll get when you’re 25 or even 21. You also don’t really have full control over your emotional side (not their fault, either, just a quirk of adolescent/early adult development) or over your drinking behavior. I think it’s pretty hard to predict how you’ll feel about something on the other side when you’re 18-20. It’s also really, really easy - as was already mentioned - to take outside social mores/what you think is going on around you and talk yourself into thinking that you feel the same way, because when you’re 18 you still just really want to fit in BUT you also haven’t really figured out who you are and what you believe yet. That’s kind of what college is for. It’s also well-established that college students vastly overestimate the extent to which their peers are both drinking and having sex/hooking up.</p>

4

<p>Oh yeah, my other thought is that people (usually mothers) often talk to their daughters about rape prevention, but often not their sons. I think there’s also less talk about what rape really is, which is often what makes young women and men very confused (and young women feeling like they can’t report their rape or taking several months to realize that they’ve been sexually assaulted at all). It’s not just a stranger jumping out of the bushes or even a friend violently forcing themselves upon you. It includes coercion or badgering; it still “counts” if she freezes up or doesn’t fight back, and it definitely still “counts” if she was too drunk or otherwise incapacitated to consent or was unconscious.</p>

<p>I think it’s also worth encouraging your son or daughter to Be That Person who says something when something wrong is going on around them. All kinds of situations, not just sexual assault, can be composed of one or two people doing something awful and a whole group of people watching, not saying anything, looking the other way, or sheltering/protecting the wrongdoers. My husband tells me that in the military (which serves a similar age group, TBH) some of their sexual assault prevention workshops have been focused on training the servicemembers how to defuse a situation when it is someone else doing the sexual assaulting, how to talk a friend out of sexually assaulting someone, and how to report a witnessed assault.</p>

5

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<p>Just thought I’d add, alcohol also affects different people differently. Some people get sleepy, others don’t. Some people get stupid/lose inhibitions very quickly, others don’t. Some people lose motor functions very quickly, others don’t. You should figure out how alcohol affects you personally, because it just isn’t the same for everyone. </p>

6

<p>I’ve already said some things on this topic as seen in the OP post, but one thing that is somewhat “fixed” in scenarios with sending your kid away is that your kid is your kid. You’ve raised this kid from the beginning. You’ve seen how they handle authority, how they handle being told what to do, how they handle being told to do something opposite of their desires. In the end, you have a good hunch on they will heed your warnings when going off to college. </p>

<p>If your child had always been on the straight and they tend to steer clear of chaos as it unfolds, odds are your kid has a better chance of listening to you, listening to what is best for them, and not get swallowed up by the less than stellar negative aspects that college life can bring. If your child is somewhat stubborn and handles things best through “experience”, things might be harder. </p>

<p>The way your child is matters a lot when you’re however many miles away. You can’t be there to tell them everything and even if you told them everything doesn’t mean they’ll listen. </p>

<p>Another thing…Accept your child’s new lifestyle. As they go into college, they live the way that works for them. If their habits and quirks are not harmful to their health, accept it. Your child is not a carbon copy of you. Your child may view things differently than you. They may go out more often than you would like. They might drink more often than you would like. But in the end, they are their own. Don’t let lifestyle differences get in the way of your relationship or how you view them. </p>

7

<p>Two things. In my opinion, I don’t think anything in the way of a “parting message” from Mom/Dad to child a few weeks before they leave for college is going to do much of anything to significantly change their attitudes and behaviors.I haven’t been keeping up with these threads, but as Niquii77 said, “You’ve raised this kid from the beginning.” You’ve either taken advantage of the teachable moments, the opportunities to instill worth, value, esteem, good decision making, respect for rules, authority…and most of all themselves - or you haven’t. Not to say that kids won’t screw up…make a bad judgement call, go a little bit nuts with the freedom and independence when it’s fresh and new. IMO tho’, it’s about the foundation work that’s been done up to this point. </p>

<p>And two, I always look at this topic from the boy’s perspective…cos that’s who I am parenting. And from the bottom of my feminist/activist toes, the “girl as victim/potential victim” conversation gets old. Really old. I know of at least three instances (that he felt inclined to share) where my 18 year old son had to carry young women over his shoulder back to their dorm room…where he took their shoes off, put them on their bed and set the garbage can at puking distance because they wouldn’t have gotten back safely otherwise. I did my job. Another young man, raised by other parents might have made different decisions. </p>

8

<p>

Your son does exactly what I would do! I would’ve helped the person get home, but change them and such? No. I’ve had friends who have done that. I’ve even woken up to a stranger asking where my roommate’s pajamas were to get her changed. I turned around and went right back to sleep. They got themselves into that mess. They should wake up to the honor of being in their clothes from last night. :))</p>

9

<p>Keep an eye on YOUR drink and the drinks of your friends. Sadly, people DO put things into the drinks that the drinker may not realize–more alcohol, knockout drugs “roofies,” and other things. If possible, watch the person who makes the drink open the beer bottle or soda can.</p>

<p>Stick with your true friends who brought you to the party–leave with them. Don’t abandon any of them (male or female) or allow them to abandon you. It really is safer to stick with the group, especially if folks may drink or imbibe any sort of drugs.</p>

<p>Do not attempt to have sex when one or more of the parties have consumed alcohol or drugs and may not be FULLY AWARE of what is going on. </p>

<p>Don’t be in the position of consuming so much alcohol or drugs so that YOU are not aware of what is going on and MAY be considered “consenting” to sex or assuming that the person you are with is consenting to sex.</p>

10

<p>If you’re going to drink, learn your limits GRADUALLY. If you’ve never had a drink before, ONE drink is a good way to start. If the night where you had one drink ended well, then if you want, the next time you go out you can try TWO. I’m always flabbergasted by people who “experiment” by having seven more drinks than they’ve ever had before. It’s not an experiment when the outcome is certain, and we all know how that night is going to end.</p>

11

<p>I advised DD to make her first experiments with weed and alcohol in a small group of same-sex friends – that is to say, in a safe environment. We can all probably remember the kid who got drunk for the first time at some big honking house party. (I’m glad that kid wasn’t me, too.)</p>

12

<p>If you are genuinely worried that over the years you have not yet imparted this information to the point where it is rote to your daughter, then you might consider enrolling her in a self defense class. They will tell her all sorts of things in ways you cannot, and they will help her to see the seriousness of paying attention and being careful. Also, good luck. Awareness is the best defense.</p>

13

<p>I don’t think many kids… or parents for that matter… know that 1, 1oz shot of liquor is equal to 1, 12oz beer. I also don’t think many teens grasp that a mixed drink can contain 1 to as many as 3 or 4, 1oz shots of hard liquor. Nor do many teens grasp that dehydration and lack of food can impact how your body reacts to alcohol. The normal “few drinks” on an empty stomach = blacking out. Or two drinks is blacking out when some frat boy makes an intentionally heavy pour. Most girls don’t black out drinking 10 beers, it’s generally shots of hard liquor or some sort of jungle juice that masks how much hard liquor they’re consuming.</p>

14

<p>JoBenny my son told a few of those stories and one particular one night when he was stone cold sober, he actually called me because he had to stop and put the girl down sporadically as he crossed a very big university campus.and had to wait for traffic, etc. and was wishing he’d never helped her. She was an student he knew from freshman classes that lived in his dorm. The police stopped him once but realized he was sober and not doing anything nefarious and let him keep going not giving the MIP to the girl who really deserved it. His last words were “I’m not doing this anymore!” and the call ended because he had one hand on her and he needed his other hand to swipe the dorm card. So my advice in addition to telling our kids as they head out to watch their drinking but even more importantly they can get MIPs…and then they are dealing with the justice system. BTW later that semester the girl did end up getting an MIP. I’m sure her parents weren’t too happy. My son’s no angel, but he does seem to watch out for others these days because of lessons he learned which i will not go into. </p>

15

<p>Sex:</p>

<ul>
<li>The asker should consider all answers or lack of answers to be “no” other than a clear “yes” from a sober person where there is no question of ability to consent (underage, etc.).</li>
<li>The askee should give a clear “yes” or “no” answer.</li>
<li>Always be aware of the chance of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, and use appropriate protection.</li>
</ul>

<p>Alcohol:</p>

<p>Note that in some states, underage possession or consumption is not prohibited in certain circumstances, such as parental supervision. If such applies, would it be desirable for parents who are not otherwise opposed to alcohol consumption to get the kid drunk under parental supervision at home in order for the kid to find out his/her limits before going to college?</p>

<p><a href=“https://alcoholpolicy.niaaa.nih.gov/state_profiles_of_underage_drinking_laws.html”>https://alcoholpolicy.niaaa.nih.gov/state_profiles_of_underage_drinking_laws.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>In addition:</p>

<ul>
<li>Do not get drunk enough to lose the ability to make sensible decisions on matters like sex or protect yourself from crimes (rape or otherwise).</li>
<li>Do not get drunk in places with lots of other drunks.</li>
<li>Do not have sex when either party is drunk.</li>
<li>Do not leave your drink unattended where someone else may add “date rape” drugs to it.</li>
</ul>

16

<p>Here’s all that I’m planning to say/write down:</p>

<ol>
<li>Study in the library every day</li>
<li>Get help if you need it</li>
<li>Be safe</li>
<li>A person who is drunk cannot give consent*.</li>
</ol>

<ul>
<li>which is an addition to the two rules for sex that my son has heard repeated since he turned 14: always use protection and never pressure a woman to do anything she doesn’t want to do.</li>
</ul>

<p>That’s going to be the sum total of my parting advice for college. Anything more elaborate won’t get heard or heeded.</p>

17

<p>Most kids who don’t drink very much move away from those who do. My daughter was sick of taking care of drunks by the end of the first month and wouldn’t even go out with the drunks past that point. It’s tiresome. They figure that out quickly. </p>

18

<p>Keep it legal. </p>

<p>This is what I told my son knowing he wouldn’t listen to much I said. Added that whatever he does becomes part of his record- a legal matter now could affect him decades later if he ever wanted any kind of federal job or funding. I knew my son was there for the academics so there was no need to go on and on about the other stuff.</p>

19

<p>What did we remind our freshman son when he went off to big party school? </p>

<p>Know your limits. </p>

<p>The only consent which is consent is “yes.” Drunk or impaired partners cannot consent. </p>

<p>If you cannot remember what happened, you cannot challenge someone else’s version of what might have happened. </p>

<p>You might not be ready to be a father, but if you have unprotected sex and she gets pregnant, she gets to decide what to do. Its not your decision but it can affect you for your lifetime. </p>

20

<p>^^^Well put.^^^</p>