Thoughts On College Admissions Essay?

<p>This is my response to the prompt: "Describe the world you come from--for example, your family, community or school--and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."</p>

<p>Opposing Misbehavior</p>

<pre><code>When preparing to write this essay, multiple sources suggested that I draw from the hardships or troubles of my life, and describe how I grew as a character due to enduring these difficult times. When contemplating what to choose from, I found it increasingly challenging to select a proper topic to discuss, as my life has fortunately not been enthralled with many adversities.
I pondered this for some time, as it appeared that whatever the scenario I imagined was always the typical: “the time I scored the winning goal” or, “how I learned to ski”. Although, I agree, both topics seemed exceptionally fascinating, I could not find a proper experience that I underwent that properly reflects my personality today.
Then, sleep deprived and demotivated to potentially no return, I considered my desired topic differently—avoiding the usual “experience” cliché, and instead substituting it with “lifestyle”. Why draw from one instance when a multitude is much more profound? This is when the breakthrough happened. My neighbor. A popular icon utilized in some essays to highlight their exemplary behavior or humane prospects radiating to all other inhabitants of the neighborhood. Not in my case. In fact, I have endured for the previous thirteen years of my life what most consider a “degenerating relationship".
It is a known fact that everyone is imperfect, and we all have our differences, but for the most part, we learn to coexist. However, my neighbor is something else. It sounds so profound, it may very well be out of an article of alternate life forms, but my neighbor is so infuriatingly arrogant and immature; nevertheless, she provides countless opportunities to build upon, by learning what not to do through her perilous actions.
She is uncomfortably omnipresent. There has never been a time that I, and my family included, have been able to be present outside, without the unconscious feeling of someone peering through the fence line.

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<p>She is infatuated with the feeling of empowerment as well. Why is it that you must send us an email monthly describing some obscure situation that you want changed such as basketball hoop relocation or proper gardening techniques? The list is infinite, but all instances are described using the same principle: an attempt to gain a false sense of superiority over others.
The police visit our house multiple times per year not due to outlandish teenage parties or accusations of drug dealership from our suburban home, but instead are called at her will in correspondence with a varying array of actions from our part—nothing, keep in mind, being egregious or illegal. Most recently, my father and I attempted to exterminate the population of gophers behind our house using a device that engulfs the chambers with propane and compressed oxygen, to then ignite the combination with an array of flames and dirt, and effectively extinguishing the gopher’s inhabitance. A perfectly legal, commercial device was seen to be the exact opposite by my less knowledgeable neighbor. Thirty minutes later, four officers were at our door with allegations of bomb threats from, none other, but our neighbor.
Such a benign case may seem unnecessary to discuss, but it is the ideology behind the reoccurring actions of my neighbor that have driven me to such a conclusion. Personally, I tend to shy away from confrontation, a mannerism I developed through the misbehavior of my neighbor. I avoid trouble at all costs and always deviate away from violence. I have learned to coexist with another person that despises some people so greatly, she attempts to persuade others, falsely, of all the wrongdoings of the “inferior” group. Let her be called a second generation Hitler, although extreme, but by her ploys of behavior, I have developed to be the antithesis of this less fathomable entity.</p>

<p>Let me know what I can improve on, and how. Thanks for your time.</p>

<p>I’m almost speechless. You took what could have been an amusing story and turned it into a ghastly and overwrought morality play. And, really, you decided to compare the neighbor to Hitler? Overreaching a bit???</p>

<p>It’s awful. In its entirety. Throw it out and start over. Really. Just write the story. Don’t try to impress your reader - just tell a story. It could be really wonderful.</p>

<p>Actually, I take that back. The gopher story was wonderful. Keep that - just get rid of the word “inhabitance.” You can also keep the part about the police visiting your house . . . it’s funny, and makes for a great story. And that’s what you should be aiming for.</p>

<p>One other thing . . . for goodness sakes, don’t, ever, write about the process of writing the essay. It’s not original, they’ve seen it before, and it’s NOT amusing.</p>

<p>And, in the future, please confine your essay questions to the forum devoted to just these types of questions:</p>

<p>[College</a> Essays - College Confidential](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/]College”>College Essays - College Confidential Forums)</p>

<p>Do you actually talk like this in real life?</p>

<p>This sounds very fake and forced. You need to be more natural in the way you write, because adcoms can see how impersonal and tacky this essay sounds. I like the premise, but you should strongly consider rewriting your essay.</p>

<p>First of all don’t ever post full essays on the Internet. Second, this tells me very little about you and quite honestly I’m confused. I can understand that you may think this is a good unique topic, but I would probably take the previous advice and rewrite it. Don’t write about the process. If you can’t choose a new topic, at least write this more about you in a positive way and less about the negative interactions with your neighbor. And definitely don’t compare her to Hitler. Like, no.</p>

<p>Seriously, posting your essay on the internet? No no. Go to the essay forum and solicit readers. You can PM them your essay after you have 15 (?) posts. </p>

<p>Eliminate the first 3 paragraphs, as dodgersmom says, they have no place in a college essay. It is just rambling. As I read on, I see that you have to scrap this whole thing. I don’t know why you are writing a college essay about your neighbor. Has it really been the main focus of your life, dealing with this neighbor? Is this the most important thing the college needs to know about you? This essay is pretty negative and you attribute a lot of motivation to this PITA person that seems projection. I don’t know that this makes you look particularly good.</p>

<p>The writing is overall pretty good. When you start a new essay avoid awkward phrasing and try to make the writing sound naturally like your voice. I think the hyperbole is a bit much. Also don’t write </p>

<p>‘but it is the ideology behind the reoccurring actions of my neighbor that have driven me to such a conclusion’ </p>

<p>when you haven’t mentioned any conclusion, makes this a nonsense sentence.</p>

<p>Honestly I don’t even want to continue to read after the first two paragraphs…
You definitely need to think before you write. To me you are like pouring everything you want to say out without managing or constructing.</p>

<p>Thanks for posting such a great example of what NOT to do. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>As BrownParent commented, NEVER post your essay on the internet as it just invites plagiarism. Had your essay been really wonderful, another student could have stolen a sentence, a paragraph or the entire essay and claimed it as their own. And if both of you had applied to the same college, an Admissions Director wouldn’t know who stole from who – so they might reject both of you.</p></li>
<li><p>College essays DO NOT need introductions, so your first three paragraphs should be deleted as it’s all intro. Just jump right into it. </p></li>
<li><p>The danger of mentioning another person in your essay is that the story becomes more about THEM and not about YOU. That’s what has happened here. I get to know more about your neighbor than you. Your neighbor is NOT applying to college, you are – so the focus of your essay should be on YOUR inner qualities, intellectual passion, maturity, social conscience, concern for community, tolerance and inclusiveness.</p></li>
<li><p>As others have said, your essay reads like a rant against your neighbor, but it doesn’t give an Admissions Officer a glimpse into your soul. One of my favorite quotes about college essays is from * Acing The College Application * by Michele A. Hernandez</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>With Michele’s quote in mind, what does your essay say about you? You are the antithesis of your neighbor, who is very Hitleresque. </p>

<p>Now ask yourself: If I were an Admissions Director would I admit me? If you’re honest with yourself, I think you must agree with all of the posters to this thread that your essay doesn’t say “ADMIT ME.” </p>

<p>Bottom line. Throw this essay in the trash and start over, paying attention to the comments you have received. And next time, don’t post your essay on the internet; always offer to Private Message (PM) your essay to a reader.</p>