Does tiger/helicopter parents make meddling/annoying tiger/helicopter parents-in-law? Any experiences?
I’ve observed some of them in my circle giving their kids prerequisites for dating and causing break ups of relationships if not up to their liking. Their demands can be anywhere from right race and religion to right timing, profession and income etc. Do they ever stop or meddling goes on even after marriages?
They have good intentions in their minds but in reality it’s controlling behavior and must be difficult for young couples.
If by “tiger,” you mean Asian, elder relatives (parents, uncles/aunts, grandparents) tend to be meddlers! Part of the culture. Nothing changes (or very little) when a person reaches majority, gets married, has kids, becomes CEO, etc. Having said that, I am sure there’s some variation by ethnicity and individual families.
My MIL outright told H that he should divorce me, and yes, it caused H to choose between them and me. Fortunately, he chose me. Had he not, our marriage wouldn’t have survived.
My problems included causing him to change from the Methodist church to whatever we happened to like where we lived (we moved a lot at first), having kids too early, raising our kids with a less firm hand than they liked, liking my steaks medium rare and veggies non-mushy, not quietly accepting their racist beliefs (changed H there too), and probably some more not quite on the top of my mind this morning.
MIL only started liking me once she progressed with her Alzheimers and forgot she hated me. (Sad, but true.) Our kids were accepted once they were old enough to see they had grown up to be polite young men who were doing something with their lives.
If someone is a very controlling parent while their kids are growing up, I think the odds of them being (or attempting to be) controlling once their kids are adults are pretty high. But there are probably some among them who learn how to let go on their own, while others may be forced to do so by adult children who put their foot down and demand appropriate boundaries.
I am lucky to have great in laws, but they really hate that I don’t like super raw steaks and it causes a lot of consternation that the meat is being ruined. So weird!
No worries. It was the standing joke in our family too. We had to laugh about a bit of it, because if we didn’t, the alternative was getting pretty stressed out.
Since ours was the opposite, I was told that the blood grossed them out and I’d get sick.
I learned from that experience to not care how others liked their food cooked - it’s ok if we each have preferences. I’m sure the fact that H changed to liking his medium rare (from well-done) didn’t help my standing with MIL though. I ruined her boy.
My H likes his a bit less rare now too and it’s not well received by BIL and parents. Mostly H is just the least picky and most non complaining eater. I get labeled picky as though liking super rare meat and refusing all else is not also, “picky.”
I just have to shake my head over parents still helicoptering even their adult children. My kids are 37 and 32 and, while I’d love to swoop in and take care of certain things, I know that they’re adults. Anything that is important, they’ll deal with. And if they don’t, they’ll have to deal with the consequences.
Personally, I like having adult kids. We share ideas bantering over pros and cons, etc. It’s quite ok to me if we’re different in thoughts/actions. We’re not always different, but they don’t have to be mini-me to have my approval.
Many times when I think they perhaps should choose something different I recall back to when H and I were their age and just let them have their fun, win or lose.
Majority of us parents are control freaks without realizing it and expect adult children to not only follow our religion and culture but even pick college, major, profession, location and spouse which our crystal balls see better fitting for them. Much worse if we hold strings to a purse they benefitted from, others use emotional manipulation tools.
Some are worse than others but most are guilty at some level of treating grown children as our extensions not as adults deserving of living their own lives and making their own choices. Love, good intentions and a check book doesn’t give us right to control other adults but many of us often fail to see them as separate individuals.
Part of the culture. Nothing changes (or very little) when a person reaches majority, gets married, has kids, becomes CEO, etc. Having said that, I am sure there’s some variation by ethnicity and individual families.