<p>This is a twist on the theme: When I went away to college, about 12-13 hours away by car, my mother’s side of the family was pretty much unanimously of the opinion that she must be a horrible mother (a) for me to want to go so far away, and (b) to let me get away with it.</p>
<p>This was something that would come up at family gatherings without fail and with no compunction about throwing it in her face. For instance, if there was a big Sunday dinner – say at Easter time – when I couldn’t be home, someone would mention how it was just not the same without me (yeah, like they cared: I was still sitting at the kids’ table!) and that would open up a big discussion at the table over dessert and coffee, with everyone in full agreement, telling each other, in front of my mom for her benefit, about the evils of colleges where students couldn’t come home every weekend. (I should say that my maternal grandmother never got in on that act…having endured similar abuse when she took a job to pay for my mother to live away at a 4-year college at a time when that was unheard of for women – if only because it was a waste of family resources since the woman should get married and then stay at home anyway).</p>
<p>I always found this family dynamic to be funny (and still do), proving a long-held belief that the main purpose of extended family is to inject insanity into your life. As a parent, however, I have a greater appreciation for just how powerful and intimidating it can be for family members to sit in open (or behind-your-back) judgment of your parenting decisions – even when you regard those relatives as totally loopy. </p>
<p>Morals of the story: </p>
<p>(1) My mom didn’t just not helicopter: she battled against extreme external cultural/ethnic/familial pressures to not be a helicopter parent (and maybe some ingrained internal pressures too); and </p>
<p>(2) Sometimes helicoptering is a coping mechanism for parents who make the decision to provide for a child to go away to school (especially so before college) but they have to soften the guilt/backlash for doing so. This latter might occur when the parents have made the “right” decision for their child even though it cuts against their cultural surroundings (for example, in the South, we found it useful to have a short elevator speech at-the-ready for when we disclosed to others that our S was at boarding school since that’s an atypical thing and culturally frowned upon, at least until you acquaint people with the concept) OR it might occur if a parent made the “wrong” decision and, in retrospect, felt guilt associated with the realization that maybe they had pushed boarding school on their child prematurely.</p>
<p>There’s a lot going on with helicoptering. None of it – that I can think of – is healthy. But it’s not always simply a needlessly and comically clingy parental predisposition. Sometimes, if a parent only had some kind of support mechanism – perhaps a trusted source of validation and affirmation – that would be enough to counteract the forces that impel them to go all-out helicopter.</p>