I’ve pretty much documented my college experience thus far on this website. It’s been a bumpy road, so bear with me while I recap.
I’m a female, about to start my Junior year of college. Ever since freshman year, I’ve felt very depressed and anxious at the topic of college. I don’t like college and I really don’t know what I will do with my college degree, if I ever finish. I’ve had such a hard time trying to pick a major. Nothing interests me enough to pursue it. I’ve thought of everything, and I just can’t go through with studying it. Last semester was the hardest time of my life, struggling through my “depression”. I say that in quotes because I’ve never actually been diagnosed or had help, but I know that I am very depressed. It was all due to school. I don’t have any friends here- even though I live at home and commute to my school where half of my friends go- it’s just very lonely. Since I am going to be a junior, I’ve come to realize that I really don’t need people and i’ve brushed that aspect off. But everything else, I can’t. I do not enjoy class or being on campus period. My specific school isn’t the problem- I really just can’t handle school. Last semester, I broke down and told my mom how I feel and I was going to take the rest of the semester off. But, my advisor, mom & I compromised and decided to cut down to 2 classes, which made things better and kept me in the routine of school. Once summer hit, I felt 90% better about myself and my life when I realized I could focus on myself. I even took an online summer class which was very easy and convenient. I didn’t feel depressed at all during that due to being in the comfort of my own home. Now that school is quickly approaching, I’m getting all of those feelings back. Feeling hopeless, upset, and depressed. It’s a very scary feeling and I can’t shake it off. I’m even crying while typing this. It brings me back to the beginning of the year where I’ve felt the lowest I’ve ever felt in my entire life. My financial aid is all over the place- they keep screwing up my totals and even my state took away some money from me which has made my bill become an outstanding price. Something that I cannot afford or my mother, but of course my family would not let money come in the way of my education. Even though I know everything will be alright tuition-wise and my family & I will find a way to pay it, I feel like there are so many bumps in the road which are telling me to call it quits. Something I will say is that I can be very smart. I have around a 3.7 GPA and haven’t gotten lower than a B throughout college so far. But that’s not the point… it’s something deeper within me. I have so much pressure from my friends and family when it comes to college that makes me feel like dropping out isn’t an option. I would be terribly judged and talked about. There seems to be a stigma that no one will succeed if they don’t have a college degree. Is this true? I swear, I have this problem every semester and it has only been getting worse. I appreciate the feedback I receive on this website. In the past I have been told to take a semester or two off. Like I said, I almost have done this but I didn’t. I KNOW for a fact I would never return if I did so. I just know it; which is why it hasn’t come to this point for me yet. I think what I’d also like to ask is, is it better to get a degree than not get one at all? Say if I don’t pursue to look for a job in the field I studied and received my degree in…will it even matter if I went to college or not? People have also told me that school isn’t the issue… depression is. I truly do not believe with this statement because school is the only thing that makes me feel this way. I envy everyone who is past this stage of life and I dream of the day that I will be done and finished. I just don’t see that day coming for me. I am hopeless and lost and would love some feedback. I do not even know if I will graduate on time. So, I definitely have 2 years left plus maybe some extra time. I don’t think I can make it.
You got some very good advice in your post from last March. You need to get some help for your depression. You are not going to be judged for taking a break and getting help. With the right medication and therapy, you will be in a much better mindset to make decisions about your future.
IMO, you can’t find the right path for yourself because of your depression. Of course nothing interests you - that’s a major symptom of depression. Please see a doctor and start working on getting well.
“People have also told me that school isn’t the issue… depression is. I truly do not believe with this statement because school is the only thing that makes me feel this way.” You should believe this statement because people who aren’t depressed don’t cry, feel hopeless, and upset about going to school.
I think you need to take a mental health break and then regroup and reconsider your options in a few months. Don’t worry about what others will think. Do what’s best for you.
Keep us updated and let us know when you’ve scheduled an appointment with your doctor. It won’t be as hard as you think. Please know that it might take some time to find the right medication that will help you feel better. Be patient.
Does your college offer counseling? If not I would seek counseling somewhere outside your College. have you joined any clubs at your college or off campus since you have been in college? What degrees have you thought somewhat about? The important thing is if your degree is marketable, have you looked into STEM? You seek like a bright person and can do anything you want to do.
In addition to getting medical help, do continue part time for the reasons you stated yourself.
People don’t get it that college isn’t meant to be trade school. It is about exploring your interests, learning discipline, and other intangible skills. Few people have careers directly based on some major in undergrad school. Many plan that but end up on a different road than expected. Most like you, need to find themselves.
Good luck.
Depression is very common. Medical science has gotten a LOT better in recent years at dealing with it effectively. It seems that depression may be particularly common among very smart people, but it can affect anyone. Depression is not something to be embarrassed about. This is no more your fault than allergies to tree pollen are my fault. It is just a medical condition that you need to get treated.
It can take some time to get depression treated effectively. However, if you get this treated effectively you are going to find a LOT of things in life easier to deal with, including college.
This can get a lot better, but it will take some time and some finding the right medical care. Good luck and best wishes.
Are there other online classes that you can take? It is interesting that when you were at home you didn’t feel depressed. Do you feel upset about going places other than campus also, like to the mall?
Thanks all for the feedback so far. I’ve talked with my campus counseling services- just talk- and it did help calm me down during my hard moments but it wasn’t very effective. This might sound terrible but my family doesn’t really “believe in” mental illness. They have never once thought that I was depressed or talked about it with me, which makes it harder to get help from a doctor and lead on the right track. They’ve seen me suffering, for example, last March when I had it really hard. But not once did they tell me to get help. Even my friends- they all think this is something I can brush off. But it isn’t. And to answer your question, nope, I don’t feel upset going anywhere else besides campus. Actually, I prefer to be out vs. sitting home. It only arises at the thought of college and actually being there.
@SrYearJitters You really really need to be evaluated for depression or anxiety. It doesn’t matter what your family believes in. if you have health insurance then you just need to pay the copay to get an appointment. You are over 18 and don’t need anyone’s permission. Everyone does not understand depression so it is easy for them to blow off.
Also you can look at it this way: You have done things their way. Pretended you don’t have an issue. Has that worked? But clearly you know that you do, hence you are here. So try something different!
If you had diabetes and you parents didn’t “believe” in diabetes, and didn’t think it was an issue that you had to pee all the time or were losing weight and your injuries wouldn’t heal…would you just go with what they say? Or would you say “this isn’t working for me, i will get medical help”?
My daughter has anxiety…I saw night and day the difference meds made for her. Before meds: would not join choir to sing in front of the school body. After meds: Requested to sing a song for the whole school over the intercom.
You are right that many people feel that mental illness is not a true valid medical problem. In in unfortunate that so many people are uneducated about mental health. Do not let their narrow minded thinking stop you from seeking help. Mental illness in NOT something that positive thinking will overcome. A proper medical evaluation will be able to determine if you have a mental illness and evaluate what type of treatment you would benefit from.
You need to give therapy/treatment time. It is a slow process that at times can be try and error. If you feel that the first therapist/doctor didn’t work out then try another until you find one that works. Often campus based therapy is geared for short term help until the student can get long term treatment off campus. Most are not set up to provide the long term treatment that mental illness often requires. If you have a mental illness it will be something that you will be dealing with for a long time maybe even for life.
As people suggest in your last post, depression is clouding your judgement. Once you get treated there is a very high probability that you will see things differently. For this reason, I suggest again that if you decide not to return to college that you take a leave of absence that will leave the door open to return. Make sure to follow all the rules. I am sure that your college will have set procedures for doing this. This is so common that have to.
Getting a degree will open doors. Employers see the degree as proof that a person can learn and achieve a long term goal. Can you be successful without a degree? Yes but your employment options will initially be more limited. Many people without a formal degree end up being more successful then their college educated peers.
“my family doesn’t really “believe in” mental illness.”
Unfortunately this is a very common opinion.
“they all think this is something I can brush off”
Again, a very common opinion. Someone could also tell me to just “brush off” my allergies to tree pollen, or tell a friend of mine to “brush off” their diabetes. All of us have some sort of chemical / hormonal slight imbalance, but none of us are at fault and none of us are going to get over it without medical treatment, which usually means taking the right medicine.
“Before meds: would not join choir to sing in front of the school body. After meds: Requested to sing a song for the whole school …”
One case I saw (friend of a daughter): Before meds: Couldn’t do anything, couldn’t attend school. After meds: Top student in her class, went off to a great university with a major merit scholarship. Happy, brilliant, helpful, a great friend (of a daughter) and a joy to be near.
This is a common problem. Your school should have ways to get you help.
As you say, your depression is tied to college. It is easy to imagine how the pressure of having to study subjects you are not interested in and take exams in them would make you depressed. In addition to whatever counseling you can arrange, it would be nice if you could take some courses that you were actually excited about. Was the online course that didn’t depress you in a more interesting subject than what you usually take? Or was it just that there was less pressure because you worked at your own pace? That’s great that you found a way to feel better by limiting your course load. You have to feel comfortable in order to keep going and stay on track.
When you are on your own time not studying, what are the subjects you read about? If you pick up a newspaper or magazine or surf the web, what type of articles do you gravitate towards? (You don’t have to tell us the answer, just use it to try to match your natural interests to a course offering.) Since you are thinking about therapy, maybe you would enjoy an intro psych course, if you haven’t already taken one.
Another thing that might help would be to find a fun activity on campus so that you associate being there with fun and not just classes.
Know that with each course you pass you are accomplishing something important. As the posters above said, getting a degree is extremely useful even if you end up working in a completely different area than your major. Sometimes the degree is just your ticket to get hired, and you learn your trade on the job. Also some people use their undergrad degree to be eligible to enter a masters or professional degree program in a different subject area, once they finally realize what they want to do. For example, the people I know who got MBAs or went to law school did not study business or law as undergraduates. Some people use their degree to get into a service organization for a few years, and then take up studies in a new area afterwards.
I can’t tell you that it will be okay if you stop going to college because it probably won’t. There are thousands of people who have degrees that are baristas or some other minimum wage job that will have an advantage over you.
Not everyone uses the degree that they were granted from their university directly. I simply started working at my company even though I didn’t know how to program because they thought I was smart enough to learn - I got a math degree. Heck, I haven’t used any university math at my work… But every single time I was considered for a promotion they always asked – "does this person have a degree? It’s a gatekeeper and not having one will limit you down the road.