<p>Thanks for the additional info - I had no idea that there were now five year undergrad MArch programs - though I did know about the MArch2 and 3 variations which did not exist in my day - at least not officially. At Columbia, for example in my day, students with a BA in Architecture (say from Yale) had to do all three years of the MArch program while a few students (one from UVA and one from USC my year), got to skip the first year. There was another UVA student who had to do all three years though. Programs and exam and internship requirements change regularly and it’s hard to keep up! </p>
<p>As a Harvard undergrad I was given the opportunity to start the MArch program at Harvard Design my senior year at Harvard, but chose not to do it, as I had other plans.</p>
<p>Maybe other CC’rs can help me here. I am trying to strike a balance between being helpful and standing back. S’s application is due Monday (EA) for his “dream” school. This is not a common app school. App has a few short essay type questions. He’s not done. I give reminders and point out times when it might be a good idea to work on writing for a while, I point out other time conflicts that have to be taken into consideration, that kind of thing. But I don’t want to beat him over the head – that backfires of course. </p>
<p>He has no trouble academically, but on a personal level he is having trouble writing about himself. He sits at the computer. He wants me to sit there with him while he writes, but I feel like he needs to tackle this more on his own. Sometimes I feel that I should let go entirely, belieiving that if he is meant to go to the dream school he has to be able to do it on his own. Complicating matters, Dad doesn’t agree with that philosophy at all.</p>
<p>I am expecting there’s going to be meltdown today or tomorrow when he realizes how far he still has to go to get this done. Any suggestions to help me get him through the next two days would be much appreciated.</p>
<p>I guess I would nicely but firmly say, you are down to the wire. You have no chance of going to the school if this isn’t in the mail monday. All that you have worked for will vanish without you giving it your best shot.</p>
<p>If he is not awake, go wake him. Tell him today he will write his draft today, tommorrow he will revise it and send it. Then he will be done. I have an expression I use in similar situations. </p>
<p>“Don’t bother to ask yourself if you WANT to do (fill in the blank) It doesn’t matter what you feel like, certain things in life must simply be done. It is a luxury to act like there is a choice when there really isn’t one. Just do it and move ahead.”</p>
<p>Sit down with your son since he seems to need your support and help him think of adjectives to describe himself, situations he can use in the essay, deeper thoughts that show the college who he is. He must finish the draft tonite. Sleep on it and finish tomm. Support him, tell him you know he can do it but the clock has run out and you as a parent cannot sit by and let this opportunity slip through his fingers. </p>
<p>I endorse Lake mom’s approach. He needs some active prompting to get beyond his anxiety. And letting him talk about loud about how he want to present himself may be what he needs to think it through. But be sure he does it in his way. I found that it helped me to focus on what I could provide food-wise as a reward/support. Wake him up, tell him you are going to the store for “marathon” food incentives and what does he want to get through to the finish line. Tell him you are available but don’t want to be a nag. Give your version of Lake mom’s speech about not missing the opportunity. And maybe also mention that you are okay with him not going to that school or not getting in too–but that you worry he will regret it if he just gives up on applying…?</p>
<p>My son was (still is…hopefully growing out of it now in his Fresh. year at college) one who simply “freezes” when he doesn’t know exactly what to do. I agree with the above mom’s…sit down with him and makes some notes, tell him when he gets a first draft, you will let him know if he is getting his important points across, and will help with a final edit. (Love the favorite food incentive.)</p>
<p>Also, I find that the hardest thing to do is to talk about myself. I can give you a million word essay on any of my nearest and dearest and what I admire about them and their accomplishments, but when you are talking about yourself, you really tend to downplay your achievements and don’t see yourself as anything special. It is also hard to strike a balance between being proud of what you have done, and feeling like you are bragging and picturing people rolling their eyes because you have overstated. If you help him by telling him what you most admire, and how he can state it with the right “spin”, it may be the springboard he needs to get inspired.</p>
<p>Also, as a kid, it is hard to really “visualize” what was important about some of the things you have done. “Oh, you didn’t organize a sock drive for Haitian orphans? What will you write about.” Kids start to feel like their little clubs and activites didn’t amount to much after all. An adult can give them a good perspective in what qualities, lessons, and acheivements are gained in just being on the intermural flag football team…to a kid, that seems like “nothing” to write about.</p>
<p>Good luck! I would be like you in that you would hate for him to lose an opportunity because he needs more help than some getting started…we don’t always have to read that as a character flaw. Sometimes the most insightful and thoughtful kids are very aware of subtleties, and that can make them gun-shy about talking about themselves.</p>
<p>I just finished sending my # 4 kid off to college-out of 4 kids I only visited 2 schools ,and never helped with the process .My feeling is that by senior year of high school ,children should be able to do all this independently .There are many great colleges and they will get in somewhere This whole application to college process is out of control ! OP has probably been over involved for too long, and this is a hard habit to kick .It’s like all the Hillicopter Parents who are over involved .Obviously, OP must enjoy this activity .I am not trying to be mean ,I am just pointing out a variety of parenting styles. I think it would be hard to stop at this point .</p>
<p>Completely disagree with the criticisms of OP. Not every child is the same. What works for one family may not work for another, and I find such judgmental attitudes so unpleasant. We are all doing the best we can. If someone is proud to have a hands off approach to helping with the college application process, that is fine. But I wish they would refrain from criticizing those who choose a different approach. Please trust that others might know what is right for their children and families.</p>
<p>fauxmaven, I am going to present a different but similar concept to demonstrate the differences in families and kids.</p>
<p>My son washes his hand before every meal. I have never,ever had to tell him to do this even as a young child. He is the son of a nurse and GETs how totally gross and disgusting it is to not wash them before allowing them to touch food that will go in his mouth. It is pretty unusual for a boy to do this so independently. I would expect by Sr year after taking bio and chem in HS all Seniors should know what bacteria is. </p>
<p>However, I am willing to bet your kids didn’t as seniors and may not now always wash their hands. Since handwashing is a much easier activity than filling out college applications there really is no reason why everyone shouldn’t be able to accomplish this independently.</p>
<p>People are more independent in certain activities than others, it is why we are different. I’m sure there are areas you are not so laid back or maybe shouldn’t be.</p>
<p>To 4getit:
Do you think it would be easier for him to sit down and make a list of ideas for the essays? Just to break the writing ice… brainstorm and list anything he might possibly want to mention in any of the essays.
Once he has the list, he can check off which ideas he wants to use, and gradually create the structure for the answers.
If he is anxious, I see nothing wrong with sitting next to him, as long as he is doing the writing. Once he gets going, he’ll probably be fine.</p>
<p>I told DD that I was available to help her if needed. She asked me to read her essay once. I made one comment, which she appreciated. She did everything else herself. She applied to 10 schools and handled the entire process herself without any prodding from me. </p>
<p>I was only nervous to the extent that I knew that chances were she would not get into all the schools to which she applied and I didn’t want her to be rejected by her favorite. Turns out she liked all the schools, had 3 “favorites,” and got accepted to all three of those. She was rejected by her two reach schools, but in the end, it worked out great for her.</p>
<p>I just got tothe point where I withheld $$ and car until she got her act together - it didn’t take long once she realized I was serious…we did sit with her for about 15 minutes to help her get “unstuck” re: her essay - we spent the time talking about her, her passions, and the stuff she didn’t like. She did engage because here was a fun event she wanted to go to and she didn’t have the means to attend unless she played the game.</p>
<p>I have to say that I totally disagree with fauxmaven. Although it is nice to say that by now they should be totally independent, the fact that is that since I am paying the college bills, I will do everything I can to help with a positive outcome. That included nagging her to take the SAT’s “one more time”, houndimg her to get her applications in early, proofreading and making suggestions. And it paid off! Today she received her first acceptance to one of her top choices with a hefty merit scholarship! So no matter how much I butted in, I think it was well worth it and I will do the same with my next kid!</p>
<p>I was over-involved - but it was our first kid going to college and we were unsure of so many things, including how we were going to pay for it! I typed her basic info into the computer - birthdate, school, address, etc. while she wrote the essays, and while she rewrote one essay after the computer died and she lost everything she had written. The application for the school she attended was finished while we were attending a funeral for her great-grandmother in another state. If I hadn’t been there nudging and assisting, that application would not have gone in on time, and she would not have had an option to attend that school and receive the wonderful opportunities and scholarships she received. She’s now two years out of college, living overseas, working a challenging, interesting and world-improving job. Nah… it didn’t hurt her any to have me helping out. With DS, it was much easier and the process was more automated (think all online apps) and he was gunning for fewer schools, so I helped less. He’s fixin’ to graduate in May. Different strokes… ;)</p>
<p>Options. That was the word that I used over and over. Variety of options. Maintaining options. And so on. That was how I presented the reasoning behind opting for the most rigorous course of study at our son’s pretty laid back high school. He would have more options. That is how we discussed his list of colleges (though, that become less important once he had an early admit to the excellent state flagship).</p>
<p>So, for Forgetit’s son, the conversation would have been about keeping that “dream school” option open for now. Which means doing whatever it takes to complete the ap as well as possible and on time. But because it is a possible option (among several) and not the be-all and end-all, that helps–a little–to keep things in perspective during this angst-ridden time.</p>
<p>I hope this is helpful. I don’t want to be or sound preachy.</p>
<p>If I even mention anything to my son about his applications I get the look which say, “mom do you think I am incapable of doing this myself?” But, that being said he is in a small private school and starting in January of their junior year have a class in all things college. Also, every single application, supplement, essay gets read and proofed by the guidance counselor and every application must be finished and in the GO by December 1st. </p>
<p>I’m not even going to read any of his apps, much less his essay(s) although we have told him we would if he wants us to - but he has made it quite clear he does not.</p>
<p>It is because many of our students do not go to schools that have the the kind of support that emilybee describes, above, that parents can and sometimes should be involved.</p>
<p>4getit - It is often difficult for talented, modest kids to talk about themselves. </p>
<p>For my younger kid, I actually did hire somebody who knows more about college expectations than I do to consult on drafts and be a sounding board. I know it would be too late for you to do so… just wanted to show an example of how the essays can be a stumbling block. We had been willing to hire a college counselor to cover the whole process (select colleges, keep on track on apps, optimize scholarship opportunities). The essay was the only area he accepted help - just needed to get some traction. </p>
<p>In your case, my suggestion would be to gather some ideas with your kid. Then set a timer for 20 or 30 minutes like it was an SAT essay (I bet your kid did fine on that). At some colleges essay is a minor part of the decision… but completing it by deadline is critical. Good luck!!</p>
Different strokes… ;)</p>