@Periwinkle, thank you for the very through analysis. I agree with you 100%
I think some competitive boarding schools would be difficult places to be in the bottom 20%. When you take intense and smart kids and put them together and select for kids who care a lot about academics, academic success becomes a focus of many conversations. Even without any intent to cause focus on academics, questions about which math a kid is in or what science is coming next, etc., highlight academic differences and those questions are quite common. When your peers care greatly about such things, it brings a certain status to level and academic success that would be less likely at schools where academics don’t have such currency.
On the other hand, different kids choose different things. I think that many kids at elite boarding schools like to be challenged and are the kind of kid who would rather be learning a lot in a very difficult class than coasting in an easier class. Each kid is different. My BS kid wants to be stretched and finds anything he can easily master to be boring. So he’s at a competitive school and taking the hardest things possible. Often, he doesn’t find that stretches him enough but when it does, he’s happy. His brother likes to have the highest average and be on top of everything – he did not want BS and finds an excellent local PS to be challenging enough but not enough to ever make him uncomfortable. He would be miserable at BS.
I’ve heard others say about reach type schools that you shouldn’t go there if your identity if wrapped up in being the “best” at something. If you are the best local math student and that is how you define yourself, your identity will take a hit at some boarding schools – similarly for best lacrosse player, best violinist, etc. This can be quite challenging for a teenager. However, if you are someone who loves math or violin or lacrosse, and when you see someone better than you, you think “cool – I can learn something from this kid!”, then a big elite school where you might be the 10th best violinist might be ideal for you. You’d have lots of room for growth. And since BS forces many different kinds of activities, that growth would be likely in sports, and music, and ECs, and academics.
@gungablue, some kids would even wish to meet better peers. Being the best at something can be lonely at times. I used to tell D that there are millions of kids like her. She said she knows it but they seem to be a bucket of sand grains scattered in a large garden. Hopefully she will find a pile of unscattered grains at a boarding school.
I really appreciate the comments of gungablue and periwinkle. You go beyond the point that there is no right answer and make more explicit what it might feel like for some students . . We are challenged as well with the reality that we may not know our child and our child may not know him/herself as well as we hope . . and neither of us can be expected to project into the future too accurately. I also agree that we can’t minimize the impact of the culture of the school itself and of the peers. My overall sense is that it takes an outlier to not feel frustrated with being a minnow in the ocean. However, to make the analogy more dramatic, the transition my daughter made from her elementary school to high school was like jumping from the aquarium to the shark tank. And, not surprisingly, some fish were up for that leap. . . (just not her). We miscalculated that move and I know that is influencing how (as a family) we look to figure out (with my son) what schools should be on his list . . .
I completely agree with you that the notion of a kid going to the most rigorous/toughest/competitive school possible is ridiculous. And horribly unfair to the kid. You’re starting your journey, we’re starting to look back at ours. It sounds like you’re off to a great start, much better than we were. When we began, we knew nothing about BS and had never considered it. Then our son started pushing, we pushed back, much drama ensued, and, years later, he’s at a BS he loves and is thriving at.
He’s at one of those very tough places, but he’s not a prodigy or a genius or a hyperactive workhorse. He’s a bright kid who works hard. He loves acing a test and hates blowing a test. When class is over, he loves hanging out with his friends, loves the camaraderie, loves his school (even when he’s complaining about it), the pace, the dorm. He’s happy there. The place works for him. It gets him going. If he hated it, he’d be struggling and miserable. His classes have ranged from “easy” to “ok” to “hard” to “ridiculous” to “I hate this class.” If he loves the teacher, suddenly the hardest class is his favorite. Or vice versa. You never know.
Looking back, as clueless as we were at the time, it’s so obvious now: BS is a home with a high school inside. What’s important isn’t whether or not a kid can or can’t get in somewhere, it’s whether or not the kid will thrive once he/she is in. The “right” school is also the “right” home. A happy kid enjoying life and excelling in class will always be better off than a miserable kid struggling to get by, no matter where she/he goes to school. And there is no shortage of academically outstanding schools. The hard part is finding the school that’s also a home for your kid.
Since you’re just starting out, FWIW, our experience -
Shock: When he told us he wanted to go, our reaction was - WHAT?
Looking back, the - ahem - ongoing family discussions forced him to think about why he wanted to go, what he wanted to find, and where he thought he’d find it. It made made him “own” this and stand up for what he wanted, not backing down. For all of us, the more we understood “why,” the more it helped us with “where.”
Suspicion: what’s so great about boarding school?
This was the high water mark for academics/rigor/etc. We were sure he was going though a phase, so we checked out the basics: SSAT/ISEE scores, rankings, etc. And yes, it takes about five minutes to realize a. bs have massive resources; b. bs have amazing faculty; c. there are many great schools, all different and none of them “easy.”
Fear: do we think he can handle being away? are we bad parents?
This began with a trusted family member saying, “shut this down. Now.” Followed by other comments like, “how can you let your son go?” and, “has he seen a therapist about this?” asked by our friend, the therapist (you will get these). Meanwhile, our son had become a mule with four hoofs planted in the ground. Not a fun time.
Reality, from actual bs parents,
The upshot was: your kid wants more, he can handle it. Just remember, they grow up there. It’s their home. You both have be ok with that. That was the single best piece of advice we got and, if I could pass one along, that would be it. School is one thing, but home, that’s something very different. Where is he going to grow - as a person and a student? We talked to a lot of bs parents about this. What kind of life do they have? Big school/small school, athletics/arts/ecs, near a big city/in the countryside, drugs/alcohol/hook ups, the “feel,” personality, dorms, etc. And academics? How much/what kind of homework/tests/papers they have from class to class; class size, class hours during the week, Saturday classes, how much pressure the kids feel, and how they deal with it. We got into all of this with our son, who had very specific opinions. At least for him, campus visits were important so he could see these places first hand and get his own feel for them.
Applications
He told us where he wanted to apply. We made a deal to write the check if he got in to one of them. If he didn’t… He knew where he wanted to apply, but we had no idea whether or not he would get in anywhere. Then, both of us drank heavily (not him, his parents, and it was Xmas vacation).
Moral of the story: he ended up getting into almost all of them. I think it has as much to do with how much he wanted to go, and how much effort he put into it on his own, than anything else. He loved every place he applied and would have gone to any one of them. He’s had good days and bad ones, but he tells us he could never imagine being anywhere else. His academics are great - but the life he has is very special and much more important.
I think that’s the best answer I can give to the academics question. Of course, none of us want to pay 40/50K++ a year for our kids to be miserable or bored out of their skulls (they can do that at home for free).
No matter where they go, the academics will be hard. But if they love where they are (even when they say they don’t), they’ve got a support group, friends, and a sense of belonging that goes a long way towards keeping them going.
Thank you for sharing viewfromhere. Glad to hear DS is thriving.
was a first, I think, among what other people think of us.
My observations from having 2 boys in far-reach BSs.
Both boys looked great on paper, but as a parent I knew that one child was type-A and the other child was a bit of a slacker despite his ease at acing standardized tests. To make a long story short, the sweet slacker child is struggling at his school.
It would have been a better fit for him to be in a less uber intense environment. Now I have concerns about his college options as his unexceptional grades will put him at a comparative disadvantage.
I have a friend who decided to enroll S in less intense BS for better academic/life balance. How I envy that decision…
You know your child. Listen to your heart.
D wants bs so that she can make cherishable memories. Academic/life balance matters a lot.
GMTplus7 I appreciate your candor. This is really just the issue I am struggling with at this point in terms of where to apply and only theoretically in the future. Viewfromhere you also have shared your thoughts in a way that is very helpful. Because of our experience with my daughter our initial intention was to look at yellow light schools (target) and green light schools (likely). My son asked me what we thought about including a “reach” or red-light school that is close to our home and is appealing in all ways other than our concern that it may be too intense for his personality academically. My daughter who is home from college chimed in with her opinion. She stated that by adding this school we potentially set up in the future an internal or external pressure not to say no to that school should he get in due to its appeal including name-recognition, etc. Essentially, that is exactly what happened to us in her high school process. I think we “drank the Kool-Aid”.We projected (inaccurately) that the big pond/shark-tank would be fine for her come sophomore year. His personality is very different. He is confident and self-assured. So–to get down to more specifics–if you are a boarding school or bust family: How many “reaches” , how many “targets” and how many “green light” schools make sense? (As always I know this is a matter of opinion not fact. I just appreciate the opinions and musings of this highly intelligent detail-oriented community of peer families).
@sadieshadow You are spot on in noting that how many 'reaches"/“matches”/“safety” (these are the CC terms, btw. 
) is a very personal decision. Back in our time, we applied pretty much only “reaches” because a substantially different option than our local options is what we wanted to explore. In your case, IMHO, I’d save the “reaches” all together. And I think your daughter made a very good point. It’s hard to say no to a high reach and you’d set yourself up for a dilemma where there was no right decision because either way you’d wonder what if down the road.
viewfromhere, your words have been resonating with me all day:
BS is a home with a high school inside. What’s important isn’t whether or not a kid can or can’t get in somewhere, it’s whether or not the kid will thrive once he/she is in. The “right” school is also the “right” home. A happy kid enjoying life and excelling in class will always be better off than a miserable kid struggling to get by, no matter where she/he goes to school. And there is no shortage of academically outstanding schools. The hard part is finding the school that’s also a home for your kid.
Thank you for putting this so well.
^This.
@sadieshadow From your experience with DD, you have obviously figured this out already! We were BS newbies last admissions cycle for our DD who is a new Junior this year. She applied to only “reach” schools and was fortunate to have choices on M10. She chose her current school based largely on its culture as evidenced by her interactions with faculty/students on revisit days. We really made an effort to get an authentic picture of the prevailing culture at each of the schools we visited. DD is strong academically (well rounded but not a super star in any subject) and likes to be challenged but definitely needs downtime and a collaborative environment. Knowing this about her, the choice had much more to do with overall fit than where she might rank within the school or the school’s rank on any list. The pressure to make the correct decision was especially acute coming into a challenging academic year with little time to acclimate. In our experience, there is a difference in culture/attitudes even among the “reach” schools so I would not rule out a school solely because it may be an academic stretch. Our family felt some pressure to choose a school with more brand name recognition and perceived “prestige”, but we tried hard to ignore it and focus on fit.
DD chose Cate and I believe she chose wisely. Just a few months in and she is thriving socially and academically. She is challenged but able to maintain a healthy balance between school/fun. BS has become a second home with her advisor and his wife a second set of parents. She has an extended family of friends and faculty. Her BS experience has exceeded all expectations and we are thrilled. Trust your instincts!
payn4ward,
He’s a good friend who meant well, but…
sadieshadow,
For your son, the “reach” school closer to home that’s more rigorous academically might be easier for him knowing you’re close by? Since you live near some schools, being closer to home might make a difference to him. If he loves sports but isn’t an A+ athlete, he’s more likely to get on JV and V teams at a school that needs players than one that heavily recruits athletes. In academics, if he has a love for English and writing, or really enjoys science, he’ll probably do better surrounded by kindred spirits.
Also, if you haven’t noticed already, the insights and experience on these boards is incredible. We (my husband and I) found this after our “application” phase was over, and I wish I’d found them sooner. Many here could write books (Sevendad and Choatiemom come to mind) on what they know and are incredibly generous in sharing their thoughts. If you haven’t done this already, browse the last few years of what’s been discussed.
Good luck!
Unless the parent is in the next room, I really don’t see the difference in daily academic dynamics for a boarding student being 60 minutes away vs 6 hours away.
@GMTplus7 I am interested to know your opinions based on your research on the rigor of different schools. Take your s2, what schools as examples do you see him thrive in? Are there meaningful differences in rigor among GLADCHEMMS? And Outside the top 10 where do you draw the line for a second tier in rigor?
It’s hard to know for certain how your kids will react to high school and how they will evolve during their teen years. When we started this process, at the behest of my son, it seemed as though he needed and wanted the most academically intense environment available and that our daughter would be more comfortable in a kinder, gentler place. The reality is quite the opposite. Our daughter turned into a “beast” in high school, while our son, although he works hard and does well, needs more downtime. Anyway, I think the most important factor, as others have said, is that the school be a good HOME.