Given the opportunity to go to a top/competitive BS appeals to many kids, esp those who are high achievers. But, what happens when they realize that they aren’t so much the ‘top dog’ anymore? Stories, advice, insight?
Do schools help kids emotionally or prepare them somehow?
Well, almost all applicants that actually get into a very competitive school WILL be emotionally prepared for this situation. The admission committee will unlikely admit someone that mentally cannot handle pressure and competition.
And I’m pretty sure a lot of students that will soon matriculate into the most competitive schools are aware that they may not be at the top of the class anymore. It’s fine though, because colleges are also aware that a top-tier school will have a very competitive student body, and not being at the top of the class is understandable.
As a result, I don’t think any of the competitive schools will help prepare every single student for the competitive environment ahead. However, if any student ever develops depression, the faculty will definitely help the student emotionally.
^^ I have personally known several kids who struggled with mental health issues after this happened. Everyone says they’re prepared to not be the top but it seems most believe they won’t be in the bottom half. Yet half will.
Some kids will find something at which they excel and will protect their self esteem this way. Some will care about social status.
At some level, your kid has to be happy being who they are and realizing they do that better than anyone else. As a parent, you can support your kid best by celebrating that, rather than achievements and prizes. It’s tough because you are genuinely proud of the achievement and want to share in that excitement with your kid but you don’t want that to become the currency of your love.
Make sure your kid knows that you just want them to do their best, that you know BS will bring new challenges, and that you are available to listen. You’re wise to have these discussions up front!
Oh yeah, and from what I heard, most competitive schools do NOT rank their students, because it looks very bad on your highschool transcript.
For instance, you might have a 3.8 GPA but still be at the bottom half at your school, due to the competitiveness of the student body. Schools do not want to hurt the ego of half the students nor their college chances.
They don’t rank but they provide a school profile that lists GPAs by quartile (or some segmentation), so it will be evident approximately where in the class the student stands.
Mental health is a huge issue in boarding schools- these kids are stressed. I am not even talking about covid. It is how perilous their futures are, economically, politically, environmentally, in every way. Then add social media, FOMA, and these self-selective kids are competitive achievers by nature. They are thrown into a bs bubble together and feed off of each other’s anxiety.
It is a big topic of concern for school admins, and my impression was pre-covid, the schools were turning their attention in a big way to how to address the student stress. Now the stress is even worse.
It is a great question to talk to the schools about post M10. What are they doing about it.
From a parent standpoint, stay connected to your kid and pay attention for warning signs. I agree that reinforcing with your child that their health comes first, and that you will love them no matter what their grades are or what school they go to, is super important. Kiddo has described the terror some of his friends have over telling their parents about a “bad” grade - it is very upsetting.
Personally, I believe a lot of the pressure regarding class rank comes from the parents. We know a family with a daughter at BS. They sent that kid off freshmen year by telling her that she needed to get 4.0 or they would withdraw her to public school.
BS does eliminate many/most of the helicopter parents but I’d bet a lot of conversation goes on.
IMO: To be at the top of your BS class you need to be focused, organized, creative and smart ( in that order). Most kids are “smart” It’s the ones who have all the tools who are at the top.
BSs don’t report rank but they will quote quartiles. So if you are applying to a scholarship or program they might put in something like top 10% or similar.
Many kids in the middle get into great schools. So kids really land where they should IMO.
Start then conversation well before applying to boarding schools. The boarding schools with which I am most familiar do not give out A’s like candy as they do in the local public school. In fact, at most of the schools discussed on this site, 95% of the seniors (and I was part of that 95%) will graduate with < a 4.0 GPA, yet the School Profile will show more than 5% of graduates going to top universities.
As shocking as it seems, 50% will be in the bottom half of the class. For almost all of them, assuming their expectations are realistic from the beginning, they will gain acceptance to one of their top choices - perhaps not their dream school, but there are few guarantees there.
Parents Being supportive is very important. Lots of time the stress for kids come from the parents.
This thread is reminding me of a topic discussed on the big board a while back, “What Straight-A Students Get Wrong” and my response on how Choate tries to address this.
I’m not a believer in BS for teenagers. Our teenage daughter even excitedly brought-up the idea to us last night. Yes, we could probably afford it, but we enjoy parenting too much. Sometimes the best gift we can give our teenager is letting her know that she’s stuck with Mom and Dad and our rules 
There’s more to life than being top in your class.
For some of us, the rules at BS were more stringent than those set by Mom & Dad. 
Sure, that is no doubt true.
I enjoy nothing more than parenting, myself. And for my particular kid, that led to the undeniable conclusion that bs was the best possible thing we could do for him as parents. Cried for days when we figured it out.
Eta: not that I feel like I have to convince anyone (though it does come up when people don’t understand the decision our family made), I have gotten enough feedback from people who know us before and after, that bs has been great for kiddo. Kiddo himself, most importantly, believes without a doubt that he is better off having gone. Ymmv. It has never been about us and what we enjoy. Or being top of the class - heck, he was more likely to get that at home.
That’s weird…I don’t recall giving up parenting responsibilities when I signed the BS contract. What page number was that?
I don’t chase them out of bed every morning, or shuttle them to practice, or make sure they brushed their teeth, etc. But I’m no less their parent because they attend BS. I’d assert that I’m more involved in their lives than many parents who live under the same roof as their kids.
Yep. Love the kids. Love education. Love having options. BS was the only way my kids were going to get what they needed.
@coolguy40 I think you expressed previously that you were not on board philosophically with the idea of BS. This IS the BS thread so most people might have given it a different look. Or they might have different needs.
I really loved that Exeter does not give grades first semester in ninth. That seems like a real gift to incoming students.
What are the other schools who follow that no grade in the first semester?Choate, Hotchkiss etc?
Andover for English and history is P/F in Fall for 9th grade
Whether it is BS, college, that first AP course or something else, most kids will reach a moment in their schooling when they are no longer the best. As parents our job is to make our kids resilient so that they learn to love themselves for who they are and to teach them not to base their self worth on how they compare to others.
I feel like I understand the spirit of what you are saying, @coolguy40. (I tend to put the phrase “not judging others” frequently in posts.) But yeah, my kid went through the application process. Potentially poor experiences can happen either at boarding school or the local public school. So long as families make the best decision for themselves, no harm, no foul.
FWIW, boarding school would absolutely be a better academic fit for my kid right now, over the current public school. But it’s not in the cards for a variety of reasons - and trying to address the curriculum shortfalls for an accelerated pupil is never-ending.
The biggest issue for boarding school students is the grading system vis-a-vis their college aspirations. Some kids would have better stats at a LPS, and can possibly impacted in the application process due to this situation. And yet, many are generally better prepared for college. Many adcoms know what caliber of student a particular institution graduates, as well.