Torn and Frayed: what do you think of this essay?

<p>Here is an essay a student submitted to universities across the US last year:</p>

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<p>I’ve always told stories, but it took me a long time to tell them the way I meant to tell them. An early stab of mine at this art form was fraught with a clash of cultural norms: my kindergarten teacher, Miss Callin, didn’t approve of my fairytale. I was fresh out of the realism of The Paper Bag Princess, in which a princess saves her prince from a dragon, only for the feckless suitor to spurn her because the dragon burned her clothes and all she’s got to wear is a paper bag. Scorning the superficial romanticism of the Cinderella and Snow White (oh, those cute anthropomorphized animals!), I’d had my princess leave her kingdom and spend her money on a trip to see the world. </p>

<p>That version of the story never saw the light of day. My teacher exercised her right of censorship, and suddenly the princess was giving her money to the poor and marrying a prince. I found the new ending dissatisfying, lacking somehow in the qualities I prized—whatever those were, but it had something to do with truth, and with avoiding oversimplification. I may be projecting my current opinions onto my former self here, but it seems to me I didn’t want to do things the same way that Charles Perrault had done them. </p>

<p>Considering I was fighting against conformity, it’s odd that in my preteen years I stopped trying to beat them and joined what I now call the “full of crap” school of thought, which prized elevated sentiments and left any moral uncertainty out of the picture. Sure, I was in good company: most of the Baroque and Romantic poets could have backed up these high ideals and unrealizable aspirations. I came to this way of thinking through a trap that has snared older and wiser than I: I fell for the falsely heroic, truly violent “chivalric” ideals of Pierre Corneille’s El Cid, a heavily pro-dying-for-honor 17th-century French play, studied by French eighth-graders for admittedly breathtaking verse and its, shall we say, rather accessible level of psychological complexity. I read rather too much of Corneille’s work, which always portrays the world as it should be, and I then started seeing the world as it should be.</p>

<p>For me, goodness became adherence to moral beliefs. Doubt basically came from the devil. To a child, there was something seductive about the certainty of never being wrong. I was intellectually walking around with blinkers, a perfect example of how reactionary children can be, but this is the kind of world where everyone loses their delusions eventually.</p>

<p>Right on cue, my teenage years helped shake things up. When I was sixteen, my influences expanded once and for all into the twentieth century. It was the century of Albert Camus, who proclaimed it was absurd to search for a meaning to life. His philosophy, at first glance, looks like a “life has no meaning” brand of nihilism. But the meaninglessness of life gives you a blank slate. Life doesn’t acquire a meaning on its own; you have to find meaning in it, to live with passion, in a way that means something, and refuse absurd rules that impede your search for a free, meaningful existence. For Camus, no ideal could possibly be worth giving up a day in this world. It was a philosophy far more beautiful than dying for a belief.</p>

<p>The chaotic twentieth was also the century of Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones, who have nothing to envy the laconic poetry of Hemingway. Whoever thinks the Beatles are so much deeper than the Stones should listen to “Torn and Frayed,” off Exile on Main St: a love letter from Mick Jagger to Keith Richards that tells along the way of how violently outsiders are rejected by “main street,” the world of normal people in which they live. In the song, the drummer is a codeine addict: “doctor prescribes, drugstore supplies; who’s going to help him to kick it?” Society feeds the junkie’s habit while it prosecutes him for possession, and never lets him return to normality. Exile took me down into the “barrooms and smoky bordellos” that the music portrayed, and I found that beyond my insignificant sphere, there was more than one real world. Doing “the right thing” was a hopeless aspiration. The hero of the story is a man who is perceived as immoral, and the villain resides in the normal society of doctors and drugstores. </p>

<p>To break the lesson I’ve learned down into a maxim would be both to dumb it down and coat it in sap, but basically, life isn’t simple and no belief is a sufficient guide to life. When I realized that, I had wholly broken from the “full of crap” tradition and recovered my artistic roots. But I am glad the journey was necessary because it was worth more than just returning to my starting point. I’ve learned to be lucid and honest, seeing things clearly and telling the truth about them. </p>

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<p>In a recent book, The College Application Essay, Sarah Myers McGinty, a former instructor at Harvard, has this advice to say about writing the college essay.
"The structure of formal writing has been described in this way:
tell em what you're gonna ell 'em
Tell 'em
Tell em what you told 'em."
She then goes on to say: "No matter what your writing background you have worked with this common structural pattern". And she summarizes her point in this way: "You have been taught his structure, and it is just what you need for the college essay." P. 25</p>

<p>A number of years ago, I wrote an essay on essay writing for the US News College Edition: Sound Advice From An Expert. I put this particular link to this essay that has been used by schools all over the world, as it contains some discussion of other issues pertinent to college admission. In it, I tell students the following:</p>

<p>Any student who has already learned the basics of showing should think about taking a risk on the college essay. What kind of risk? "The woman wanted breasts.” ....
A risky essay can border on the offensive. That is the danger of taking a risk. People wonder if they will be penalized if they do take a risk in an application. They want to know, in other words, if there is any risk in taking a risk. Yes, there is. I can say, however, that my experience in the admissions field has led me to conclude the great majority of admissions officers are an open-minded lot and that to err on the side of the baroque might not be as bad as to stay in the comfort of the boring.</p>

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<p>Quiz:</p>

<p>If you used the Harvard criteria what grade would you give this essay?
If you used my criteria what grade would you give this essay?
Justify your grade. No points off for spelling errors.
Extra Credit: what kind of essay are you planning to write based on the two pieces of advice you have been given?
For those of you interested in the Stones' song referred to, Spotify has it.</p>

<p>I am sorry that my comments are not as clear as they should be. I refer to an essay published in the US News entitled “Sound Advice From An Expert”. If you google me you can find it, but it may take a while as it has been removed from some sites it used to be on. Again I apologize as the test and text are not clear without this essay being available.</p>

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<p>Unless this is a rhetorical question, the answer is rather simple and takes the form of “thank you!” Indeed, thank you for posting the perfect example of what not to do in a college application. Given the nature of this site, I will assume that the essay is supposed to have been part of a college application. </p>

<p>For what it is worth, only a masochist would read a single word after this gem of a sentence "Scorning the superficial romanticism of the Cinderella and Snow White (oh, those cute anthropomorphized animals!) </p>

<p>Overwrought by a half and pedantic to the extreme, this essay is almost impossible to finish. I could add punctilious, donnish, and priggish … after a quick search into the next thesaurus, but then I would simply sound like this person. </p>

<p>Keeping it short, this person obviously received horrible advice. Reproducing this drivel with or without authorization just compounds the problem, as one might think this hopeless hodgepodge of words might be worth emulating.</p>

<p>Probably not the answer you expected, but here you have it!</p>

<p>PS As far as “tell em what you’re gonna ell 'em. Tell 'em. Tell em what you told 'em.” that is only part of the equation. Although it has become a CC clich</p>

<p>Hi siggi,</p>

<p>I want to thank you so much for your response. I have said in another thread recently I am so impressed at how much time and effort senior members have given to my posts. It is a great tribute to your willingness to help me learn about this community.</p>

<p>I have read behind admission officers either directly or during visits, at Brown, Duke, UNC, Georgetown, Princeton and a lot more.</p>

<p>Your response is actually much more detailed than most readers from the schools themselves, or at least of those applications I have read. In other words, the world of admission needs more people who are willing to give detailed support for their decisions. You do exactly what a reader should do: site text and verse and then give your analysis succinctly. Given the time constraints on readers this is not an easy task but you seem to have put this together based in part on your extended knowledge. </p>

<p>I am not sure who is at the top of posts on CC but your staggering number intimidates me. So I guess I am surprised you have the form of an admission officer down pat. You let the reader behind you know just where you stand and this is very helpful when second readers have staggeringly large numbers of applicants to sift through each day. I think strong opinions are much more helpful generally as sitting on the fence on issues just makes it more guesswork. Others may well disagree with me on this but that is my experience.</p>

<p>I would ask for one more favor. I think you would say that Sarah’s advice to students is more succinct and cogent than mine perhaps as long as your show don’t tell advice is added. I have a big ego and I can take it, but am I putting words in your mouth or is this in any way accurate?
Thank you again for your time and insight. </p>

<p>I do wonder if there are any defenders of this essay out there?</p>

<p>Since some time has gone by and no one has defended the essay, let me just say that this student was accepted at one of the top 5 most selective schools in the US. </p>

<p>The student was not a ‘special’ in any way. A special: athlete, underrepresented minority, development case, etc. In other words, this student was offered admission at a school that has an under 10% acceptance rate overall and close to a 3% acceptance rate for a non-special admit.
It would appear, then, that at least this particular admission committee felt this essay to be an addition to the applicant’s overall credentials. Or at the very least, it did not detract enough to hurt the student’s chances.</p>

<p>Anyone now want to comment?</p>

<p>I will add some comments later on but I would prefer to see if someone might agree or disagree with siggi on this one. If so, why? If not, why? It would help the research I am doing on this topic and would then help subsequent readers who are looking for help in writing a great essay.</p>

<p>I will venture to disagree with xiggi on this essay. I am reading it from the position of a former admission officer at a highly selective university (1993 - 2000) and now as a college counselor at an international high school (2 schools overseas and one in the US where I now work). That’s all I’ll say for now about who I am.</p>

<p>Pedantic, sure. This writer sounds incredibly authoritative and confident about what she has read and what she likes to do (tell stories her own way). Donnish, okay, for the same reason. I’ll stop with those two adjectives. When I was being taught to read applications, a couple of colleagues senior to me, including our dean of admission, would sometimes have to remind us (if one of us had a strong reaction to a student’s braggadochio about what he knew, or–somewhat at the other extreme–if we read an applicant with perfect test scores/grades/program, evidence in the recs that the applicant was a reader far beyond her peers, and evidence in activities/recs/other essays that the applicant loves ideas or books and writing about them) . . .we’d be reminded that, despite thinking this student’s display of intellectual skill and love of learning might not be appealing, we were admitting students to COLLEGE. We didn’t have faculty readers for most of our applications, but our dean and senior staff would occasionally, gently chide us that “We’re admitting kids to college. To classrooms. The faculty would think we were CRAZY if we didn’t admit this kid.” </p>

<p>I could say more, but let me leave it there for now. In eight years of selective-college admission work (an applicant pool of 18,000-plus) and nine years of college counseling, I have read maybe ten essays that show me this clearly that the applicant is going to read what’s in the libraries, engage vigorously with professors and classmates, and think about what he reads. Maybe change her mind; at least, reflect (which is what all kinds of application-essay advice says to do: reflect on your growth/change). This essay is all about reflection. It’s about reading and writing and thinking and wanting to create. When an applicant tells me and shows me that she wants to find the truth and tell it to me: isn’t this what college education, at its core and at its best, is all about?</p>

<p>One other quick comment I forgot: I don’t really see what the “risk” is in this essay, unless it’s the phrase “full of crap.” And to me–wearing my admissions hat, reading many thousands of essays a year–the phrase “full of crap” when applied to Pierre Corneille, read by a pre-teen in French, just makes me more interested in him. </p>

<p>I’m not trying to be snide here; I just honestly don’t see what is the risk, in an essay in which the writer clearly knows how to create and control tone.</p>

<p>Dear Sopranotraveler</p>

<p>Thank you so much for your insightful and useful comments. Once again, I am grateful to you and to siggi, two very experienced people, for sharing your comments. Both of you have wonderful things to say that I think any student or parent should read. And admission people too. I think it would be educational for all these groups.</p>

<p>Both of your comments have led me to believe I need to reassess my understanding of what the current climate is right now for people who write essays and for those who read them.</p>

<p>I hope there will be more feedback on this thread. I am not sure why there has not been much interest. My last thread on Emory got lots of people very passionate and, as a result, there were lots of great exchanges and information shared.</p>

<p>The essay in question is not typical and that is why I wanted to post it. I have done this previously in another thread with another atypical essay and there too not many added comments but the ones who did were all over the map on whether it was good or not. Clearly you and siggi come to quite different conclusions on this one.</p>

<p>This is not about right and wrong. I am trying to collect data (votes) to see where on the scale this essay falls with the CC community. The more votes up or down, the better the data. I think that having something concrete to base a radical proposal I am going to make in the coming days (or weeks, it depends on responses and my schedule) will help people to understand why I am going to encourage a paradigm shift for students who begin to write essays. I know time is of the essence as ED is just around the corner so I will not hold off too much longer if I can get some more feedback first.</p>

<p>Thank you again for your time and expertise. I have learned so much from you and siggi.</p>

<p>Since so few people have added comments on this, I feel I need to do more individual research in order to come up with some data that may prove useful if not scientific. I am asking approximately 100 people around the world, either in person or or facebook what they think. I hope to report the results here soon. </p>

<p>It will help me to have data when I propose a radical approach to essays that will replace the advice I once gave to US News.</p>