Transfer Essay for GWU

<p>Hey everyone! </p>

<p>You guys have been so helpful and generous with your answers that I really felt ashamed to ask more questions, but I seriously need an evaluation for my essay as I am an ESL student, and my command of the English language is terrible compared to my fellow classmates.</p>

<p>The question is, as with any university application for transfer students, is "why [insert school name] at this point of your academic career?" </p>

<p>Any input or opinion you may have will be greatly appreciated! </p>

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<p>When you first step out of Vari Hall, you'll find a tangle of fliers and leafs and swaying trees. The verdant scene in the distance will unfold against the soaring national flag, and bells and whistles will filter through the din of the crowd as the glass doors of the building open and close intermittently. Of course, as the months strolled by, I had reluctantly conformed to this repetitive scenery of my university until one day, as I stood there with a cup of coffee in one hand and my binder in another, pulled by the wind and jostled by anonymous elbows, I looked in the distance and thought: “there is a better opportunity beyond this campus waiting for me to grasp it.” It seemed that my university, with its excessively large student body, unrealistic academic conduct and lack of sense of community did not exude the perfect setting for me to thrive in.</p>

<p>My search for the perfect school to pursue an international relations degree yielded no fruitful result, until I found out about George Washington University's Elliott School of International Affairs. The School, as did my university, seemed tailor-made to my interests, with relevant, intellectually rigorous courses and challenging program requirements. But what intrigued me most about George Washington University was its reputation and history; heralded as one of the most politically active schools, located but a few streets away from the most politically powerful households in the world, and surrounded by embassies from almost every country, it came as no surprise that the George Washington University was celebrated as one of the greatest post-secondary institutions to study International Affairs. Of the myriad of universities which I investigated, George Washington University was the only one that truly grasped my attention. </p>

<p>Apart from its being a renowned university, there were personal reasons that played in my choice of this school. Ever since I was fifteen years old, I’ve always dreamed of working for the United Nations, and of the plethora of universities, mine included, that offered an international relations program, it seemed that George Washington University, with the quality of its International Affairs degree program, would bring me closest to my goal. Moreover, coming from Saudi Arabia, having studied at an international school in Switzerland, and speaking five of the six official UN languages (Arabic, English, French, Spanish and Russian), apart from the two other languages that I am studying at my university (German and modern Greek), I was able to interact with people from various parts of the world throughout the recent years, and I have come to appreciate George Washington University’s diverse student body and multicultural atmosphere; an atmosphere I felt was lacking at my school.</p>

<p>In final words, I hope that the admission officer would bestow upon me the honor of studying at George Washington University, so when I do realize my dream of attaining a prominent rank at the UN, I will carry the name of my Alma Mater with eternal pride, gratitude and honor.</p>

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<p>Thanks again you guys!</p>

<p>Is my essay really that bad? :S</p>

<p>I think your essay is very good considering English is not your first language. One bit of advice I would give you is to un-thesaurus some of it. You use a lot of big "intellegent" words in too small of a space and it makes it difficult to read through without stopping to take it all in. Also, I would maybe talk a little bit more about why your current school wont help you persue your goals as much as GW will. Right now it almost reads like "I really want to go to GW but my school is absolutely fine and I'll be fine here." I think a little bit more passion couldn't hurt. Other than that, I think its a really solid base. :-)</p>

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You use a lot of big "intellegent" words in too

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<p>Huh? He/she does not.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

<p>You're absolutely right. It does sound as thought I want to stay here. I'll definitely put in more passion. </p>

<p>I never even looked in the thesaurus to begin with - I just happened to be passionate about vocabulary. Besides, most of the words I've used, such as "verdant," were based off my knowledge of Latin.</p>

<p>But thanks again! I'm definitely taking your response into consideration! :)</p>

<p>I agree that going a little further about why you are disappointed in your current school (without bashing it - it's a fine line; just why it is not the best <em>for you</em>, why it didn't fulfill your expectations) would be good. You hint at it, but take it a little further. Also, one of your "hints" is unclear and confusing, "unrealistic academic conduct." Reword and possibly expand on this.</p>

<p>Break up that last sentence in your second-to-last paragraph, beginnning "Moreover...." It's way too long and rambling.</p>

<p>Otherwise, I think you have a good start.</p>

<p>okay maybe big/intellegent isnt what i mean. i just mean it sounds too much like he/she is trying to make is excessively "writer-ey"</p>