Transfer Essay for Yale

<p>Any comments/feedback would be appreciated.
Names have been changed for anonymity.</p>

<p>There are limitations to what grades, scores and recommendations can tell us about a candidate. Write a personal essay on a topic of your choice that will help the Admissions Committee to know you better.</p>

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<p>Let me be brutally honest; I am probably not ‘Yale material.’ In high school I studied hard not because I was passionate about learning, but because I craved the praise from family and friends. I was in myriad orchestral groups not because I was enthusiastic about playing the violin, but because it was one of the conditions of my music scholarship. I engaged in volunteer work not because I wanted to help the community, but because every student was expected to. I floated through high school, getting a few academic and musical awards here and there, generally being known as the ‘smart kid.’ My friends told me that they envied me because I would have so many options and opportunities upon graduation with my ENTER (A ranking score derived from state-administered examinations that is assigned to each graduating student in Australia to determine entrance into various courses at different universities) – that I could get into any course I wanted. I envied, and still envy, those friends who know exactly what they want to do in their lives: Andy – one of my oldest friends – who, despite getting too low of an ENTER to get into law, is studying hard in his first year to transfer into law from an arts degree; Brian, who is completing an Actuarial Studies degree to combine his two passions – mathematics and economics; Tass who, despite the recent loss of his father, is moving far away from home to Canberra to pursue his dreams of becoming a diplomat. Of course, some of my friends have been like me, unsure of what their dreams are, and they’ve invariably chosen the ‘safe’ courses (such as Commerce or Arts) hoping that a vocational road will be unveiled in the coming years.</p>

<p>What about me? A person with a half-filled glass would say that I have many interests. A person with a half-empty glass would say that I have no interests. My lack of depth in any area (or too much width depending on how you look at it) is reflected in my high school subjects, which range from Literature to Japanese to Chemistry. You’d think that my choice in choosing these subjects was due to my academic stimulation in those areas, but sadly this was not the case. The only time I have been academically stimulated was during a brief moment in the middle of my junior year, after watching the documentary of Brian Greene’s “The Elegant Universe” – a brief explanation of modern strings theory in laymen’s terms. There was something infinitely romantic about devoting a lifetime to get a glimpse of, as Einstein put it, “how God created this world.” I want to say that this encounter started my passion for physics, but alas, I convinced myself then that it was far too late in my high school career to venture into this area, for which I had next-to-none experience (in some sense, this was a valid excuse because I needed to have done physics in my junior year to continue with it in the senior year). </p>

<p>I entered college just as I had graduated high school – no idea of my future and with parental pressure to go into business. I was fortunate enough to have an opportunity to engage in a Liberal Arts education in the U.S. (unlike in Australia where you commit to a degree when you decide on a university), and in my first semester I took a course called “Einstein’s Universe,” hoping that it would rekindle my previous interest in theoretical physics. After a semester of relativity and quantum mechanics – grappling with the seemingly ridiculous notions, such as the idea that time does not flow, or that the past depends on the future – a “rekindle” would be an understatement. Yet I was not totally satisfied, because this course was mainly conceptual and not mathematical, and thus it felt somehow ‘fake.’ I talked to the professor and he said that I would need solid background in physics before going into the mathematical aspects of these topics – and he was right; I borrowed some books he recommended from the library but could barely understand them without the necessary background. What was more unfortunate for me was that Physics 101 was only available in the fall semester (as it was an year-long course), and thus I could not start in spring. </p>

<p>So where does that leave me? Am I now certain of my future? Can I now confidently say, “I am going to become a theoretical physicist”? Maybe. When I mention the possibility of majoring in physics to my parents, they reply, “We are not paying for your expensive education in America so you can become some scientist who won’t make a good money.” And knowing how much my parents have sacrificed, and sacrifice daily, to keep me here, I know that their wishes – demands – for me to major in more lucrative fields aren’t unreasonable or unfair. I am still unsure of my future, but I know one thing is certain. I will take Physics 101 next fall semester. Maybe I will end up becoming a businessman, who knows. But I am not going to become a person who questions in ten years, “What if…?”</p>

<p>Great essay :D</p>

<p>I think it's too honest. You must be passionate about SOMETHING.... write about that.</p>

<p>Sorry, When i said great essay, I only read first 5 lines, i read the whole essay just now, and sorry, but i don't think it's very YALE worthy(not that i know what Yale worthy is). But this essay gives a really bad impression of yourself. I hope you have enough time to rewrite another essay. I agree with Shaganov, this essay doesn't really show much of your good qualities. Good LUCK :D</p>

<p>this essay just tells me mostly about other people and nothing really about yourself, and it lacks focus.</p>

<p>ok so tell me about urself.</p>

<p>adreps want to know what's good about you.
the first half of your essay, you essentially told them what's wrong about you. remember, they only have your essay and application (and possibly recs and other supplementary info) to look at. make it count. don't waste it on things that put you in bad light</p>

<p>thanks for the advice.
i wrote this mainly because it was something on my mind.. i had to get it off.</p>

<p>i don't like the fact that you allude to respecting your parents wishes yet might change your major based on your passions. It seems too indecisive for admissions.</p>

<p>its fine to list maybe one thing that is bad - but it seems like it becomes the focus of the essay. shift the focus to what used to be bad - lack of passion - to how you've changed for the better</p>

<p>now i want to get this out of the way first...the essay is BEAUTIFLY WRITTEN. with that said, i'm going to have to be brutally honest and say that this essay was terribly boring to me. if i was an adcom and i had just previously read about 40 essays, i would not be fully engaged in what seems to be an elegant and great story. </p>

<p>i dont know what it is, it just is so boring to read. maybe i'm wrong and i'm the only person in the universe that sees this and that could be the truth. disregard everything i say if thats the case. but in my humble oppinion, it is very bland and unenergetic.</p>

<p>I agree with mr_sanguine. Although you focus a lot oin negative stuff, maybe if you end the essaay with some profound interests or where your academic career might go because of some stuff (rather than your parents will), this essay will have potential. </p>

<p>But all in all, I don't know ANYTHING positive about you at all. GSIS man (good stuff is good).</p>

<p>If I was an AdCom member reading your essay and trying to decide if this person has "the right stuff" to succeed in the Ivies, I would've stopped reading your essay after the first sentence.
You want to sell yourself. I worked as a software salesman previously. If I went to each client and said, "I'll be brutally honest - this software is crap and you shouldn't waste your money on it.", I doubt that anything I could've said after that would help me close the deal!!!!</p>

<p>I hate sales people. Schools are nothing like sales. They are not like applying for jobs either. Nice simile though: Yale prospects - a bunch of code that needs annoyingly aggressive advertizing. Wow.</p>

<p>Disagree. Grab a book on writing college applications. There will always be a chapter on "How to market yourself".
Read his first few sentences again. He needs to open with a strong lead-in. Something that makes an AdCom say "I want to read more of this".
Yale places a strong emphasis on personal statements. This essay doesn't cut it. I'm not an AdCom, but he did ask for constructive criticism.
BTW, I hate salespeople too.</p>

<p>Do you get off ridiculing people? Schools wouldn't be like sales, that just doesn’t make sense, and he wasn't saying that. w/e</p>

<p>I agree with him. If you don't believe in yourself (corny, I know) or believe that you are worth Yale, you shouldn't say that and instead try to sell yourself like deserthillsguy said and highlight your accomplishments.</p>

<p>***, college applications are almost exactly like getting jobs/selling. Your app = resume. Gpa/extracurriculars etc... Essays = interview - you're telling the school why they want you, what you will add to their school etc...</p>

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