Transfer essays?

<p>Hey everybody.</p>

<p>I think that the essays of a transfer applicant are going to be looked at much more closely than that of a freshman -- you really need to give them a compelling reason to transfer. </p>

<p>So, I thought I'd start an essay thread. I'll post up my essay that I just sent out to Harvard, hopefully some of you can give me some feedback on it. I'm going to be sending these out to other school, also. So it wont be too late to make any changes. </p>

<p>Also, what are you guys going to be writing about? </p>

<p>Here it is:</p>

<p>"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."</p>

<pre><code> Teddy Roosevelt
</code></pre>

<p>I survived missiles launched at me and exploding within 10 yards as I discussed the intricate tribal politics of Kunar, a volatile border province of Afghanistan, with an official from the State Department; I laughed and recorded calmly for NPR through an ambush in which gunmen shot at me with Kalashnikovs and RPGs (they had caught us on our way back from a remote area in the sometimes – but not always, an important distinction in this region – hostile Pech valley); I smuggled myself through the porous borderlands between Afghanistan and Pakistan, retracing Al Qaeda’s footsteps over mountain passes above 10,000 feet; I roughed it out in 130 degree heat while suffering from dysentery to trek through the hills and valleys of Tora Bora (the cave complex from which the US attempted to flush out remaining members of Al Qaeda, including Bin Laden), so that I could investigate for myself why the Arabs had so much popular support while the Americans struggled to win “hearts and minds.” All of this I managed to experience before my 20th birthday, on my, as I like to jokingly refer to them, “summer vacations.”</p>

<p>I took my first vacation in Afghanistan after graduating from high school in 2002, several weeks before the actual school year ended. The reason was that I wanted to make it to the Loya Jirga, or Grand Assembly, that was suppose to elect a new leader for war-ravaged Afghanistan. After going over it with school officials, I took my finals early, skipped out on prom and asked my principal to mail me the diploma. The ending of my high school career was unceremonial, a fitting end to period of my life that was also uninspiring. My mind was somewhere else – on Afghanistan, a place that my family had given so much to but now seemed to be without hope. </p>

<p>But all of that changed with September 11th. Afghanistan seemed to have hope again, my father was reinvigorated and I finally had something in my life to work for, a purpose which I had lacked previously. When a reporter from the New York Times, who also happened to be a producer on This American Life, offered me a tape recorder to take on my trip, I saw my opportunity and ran with it. Three years later, I have made two acclaimed hour-long documentaries for This American Life. I received several broadcasting awards, like an Overseas Press Club citation, and I was profiled in national newspapers like The New York Times. I co-authored an article for The New York Times Magazine, and at the age of 19, signed with Bloomsbury to co-author a book for the Fall 2005 season, a travel memoir based on my experiences in Afghanistan.</p>

<p>A particular experience that captures what I wanted to achieve during my time in Afghanistan is a visit I made this summer to a remote village. The village, Shulton, had unlucky geography: it was in a remote valley right along the border with Pakistan, in mountainous and volatile Kunar province. This was a security concern for UN election officials, and they refused to “go up there.” The villagers were being left out Afghanistan’s historical “introduction” to democracy and they were not happy about it. </p>

<p>I had done a lot of background reading on the subject of democratization; it was, to say the least, an important topic of discussion for Afghanistan. I had studied arguments that proposed that all men and women yearn to be free, that democracy is not something you earn, but something that everyone deserved. There were, however, more cautious ideas. That, to use Fareed Zakaria’s term, the “inner stuffing” of democracies – the rule of law, strong institutions, a certain level of economic development – were just as important, if not more, in creating stable democratic governments. I had listened to both sides of the argument, but I wanted to form opinions of my own, based on my own experiences and knowledge. Concluding that it was an acceptable amount of risk in comparison to what I would get out of it, I went up to the village to talk to the tribesmen and get their views on democracy and elections.</p>

<p>After driving – so slowly that the speedometer would not even move past 0 – along a narrow and bumpy road against the side of a mountain, we finally reached the village. Once there, I was surprised and taken aback by the tribesmen and their articulate answers. They had not read Fareed Zakaria, nor had they been tracking President Bush’s foreign policy speeches, but they had first-hand experience – with war, chaos, bad government, occupations and tyranny. They gave me insights that no book or article or seminar could have given me. They showed me the problems with democracy in such a fragmented society, by launching into complaints about their rival tribe cheating with the registration. They showed me the problems with establishing the rule of law; this nation is so destroyed that it is helpless when it comes to foreign interference. They also seemed to express genuine optimism about the election, believing that it would bring peace and that a government that had the support of the majority was necessary. I came back down from the village – on a road on the other side of the valley, of course, because of the dangers of someone planting a mine – with the feeling that I had learned something.</p>

<p>Learn. To put it simply, that is why I want to attend Harvard University. I have had to live through certain circumstances -- for instance, one semester, two assassination attempts on my father combined with a death in the family forced me to take 4 weeks off and go back to Afghanistan. This aspect of my life will show on my college record. But I hope that you can see that I am a young man who entered the arena.</p>

<p>Overall, you have the makings of a great essay here. However, certain technical details and the overall style make me wonder if you spent a great deal of time writing -- I don't think you did.</p>

<p>It's too bad you sent this off already as it could have used some cleanup; especially the mistakes of leaving out various words. Oh well. Maybe they won't notice -- it is only Harvard after all. ;)</p>

<p>Mistakes:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>p2: "...a fitting end to (the/a?) period of my life..."</p></li>
<li><p>p4: "...villagers were being left out (of?) Afghanistan’s historical..."</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Word choice:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>p2: "The ending of my high school career was unceremonial, a fitting end to period of my life that was also uninspiring." (Perhaps lose 'also', it seems awkward. Replace it with an adverb that underscores uninspiring...like sadly, disappointingly etc)</p></li>
<li><p>p5: "That, to use Fareed Zakaria’s term..." This is a very awkward way to start off the sentence, especially since the previous sentence was incomplete.</p></li>
<li><p>p5: "...were just as important, if not more (kill more and use: moreso), in creating..."</p></li>
<li><p>p6: "...that no book or (kill 'or' and use: comma) article or seminar could..."</p></li>
<li><p>p6: You start off five sentences with "They...". Try to come up with better ways to write a complete sentence and always keep the reader informed as to whom "they" is referring to. </p></li>
</ul>

<p>Transitions:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>p2~3: Don't start off p3 with "But...". Take the first sentence from p3 and add it to the end of p2.</p></li>
<li><p>p4: Don't start with "A..", perhaps use "One...".</p></li>
<li><p>p5~6: "After driving – so slowly that the..." (The reader doesn't know you started driving...you should clean this up with a transition from p5 or change how p6 starts)</p></li>
<li><p>p6~7: "Learn. To put it..." (This is very awkward as it is a command, when you are looking to make a statement. Develop an opening that that is could the form, "to learn". However, since this is you concluding paragraph it should be inspiring and pop, leaving the reader satisfied with the story.)</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Misc:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>p3: When you write: "I received several broadcasting awards, like an Overseas Press Club citation, and I was profiled in national newspapers like The New York Times." It would be a good idea to mention at least one other newspaper with NYT.</p></li>
<li><p>Throughout the essay, your tense conflicts. You use past tense and then go into using current tense. Consistency is the key.</p></li>
<li><p>You write in p7: "...certain circumstances -- for instance..." (What kind of circumstances? Kill the em dash and slap a period there or attach "for instance" and use a colon).</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Thanks for the suggestions. I just noticed the words that were left out too and I realized that I had posted my first draft up, those mistakes were taken out in the second draft that I had someone else look over with me. It is saved under a different file.<br>
Thanks for the notes on the transitions and other suggestions, I will definitely look into them.</p>

<p>Hakbar, your essay is nuts. Where are you applying?</p>

<p>The last paragraph is terrible...sounds to, oh I don't know, pathetic...sounds like you just had given up at that point, you lost your voice. I'm going to say somewhere between 500 and 1000 people finished their essay in the same manner...you really need to find a way to cap off what you have said rather than just recycling a talking point from some uninspired essay or book you read years ago. "I hope you can see that I entered 'the arena'"? That line made me squirm in my seat.</p>

<p>Re-do the final paragraph and you'll have a pretty good essay...I would change alot of other things but that up to you. Your lucky though, you've been in the New York Times...that is excellent! And you have actual experience in the real world which is going to seperate you from 98% of the students applying to Harvard</p>

<p>"This aspect of my life will show on my college record. But I hope that you can see that I am a young man who entered the arena."</p>

<p>just out of curiosity, are ur stats low or something? cuz if theyre not that line doesnt really make much sense.</p>

<p>and yeah the concept is really good it just needs work on the structure a bit, especially the closing, which is a bit awkward.</p>