<p>Im in a bit of a conundrum and Im confused as to what to do and I wanted the advice of the well-meaning folks at CC.
Before I explain my situation, I think its necessary to give insight into my background. My parents emigrated from the same third world country before my sisters and I were born. My Mom came here when she was 16, received a degree from the Brooklyn College and is now an accountant. My Dad came here after he received a medical degree in Europe and is now an anesthesiologist. I would classify myself as lower-upper class and Im from a suburb of NYC.
When I was a high school senior a lot of colleges were fighting over me. I got several likely letters from ivies and full rides from top 20 schools. I narrowed down my choices to Yale with no financial aid and a full ride to Wash U. I ended up picking Yale because I liked it more and I didnt think my parents would be any more inclined to help me out with grad school just because they werent paying for undergradthey have definite ideas about the responsibilities of a parent, and paying for grad school when Im a male is not one of them. This was a cause of resentment in my family, as my twin sisters were forced to go to SUNYs when they applied to college (that said, there are two of them and the cost of two children at the same time at a public college is the same as one at a private one). That said, they didnt have the same aptitude for school as I did so I dont think they could have gotten into an Ivy even if they applied.
Anyway, flash forward to my first semester at Yale. Academically it was a struggle (I had no idea how to pick a class or how to study), which was made worse by my parents lack of emotional support. Like I said before, theyre immigrants: when my Dad was in medical school, he was on his own in a foreign country so now he expects the same from me. And my Mom is VERY religious so she spent more time going to Church then calling me or visiting me. I ended up finishing my first semester with two classes and a W, which is the bare minimum course load that a Yale College student can hold. My advisor told me I had to take summer classes in order to reasonably make up the credits I lost and move on to sophomore year, but because my parents werent supporting me (and I still felt guilty about turning down a full ride) I overloaded by taking six classes the next semester. It was very difficult but I did it and I finished with a cumulative GPA of a 3.0 though I missed out on the social/extracurricular aspect of Yale in the process.
Now Ive just finished my sophomore fall and Im beginning to realize how dissatisfied I am with my life. Like high school, I feel ignored by my parents and am lacking a social life. But unlike high school, I dont have the haven that school became for me I used to love high school because I felt like I had teachers who inspired me and encouraged the best in me. They became my surrogate parents but at Yale, Ive come to dislike my professors and work has become a job for me. I dont want to go in to the details, but Ive found my professors at Yale to be a lot less caring and too busy/prestigious (being a Sterling Professor does not make you a better person!) to help me learn how to do college which makes me feel ignored from the only dynamic of my life that supported me.
I feel like I should take time off or transfer, but my parents dont agree with both ideas at all theyre acting like this is coming out of nowhere, but its not they just werent supporting me as it was happening. I also dont think they would support me financially either if I were to go to a foreign country/do something gap year-like. In terms of transferring, I really like Hunter College because its cheap, good school and in NYC (I like cities and the resources they provide). I also like the idea of starting anew with anonymity one of the things that I hate about Yale is how small the school is and how I feel like I cant do anything without other people in my residential college gossiping about me. I also want to go back to math/science (if I were to stay at Yale, I would either major in English or American Studies), but I dont think thats a smart thing to do at Yale because I never took AP science classes in high school and the high quality of the student body would make it too difficult for me to catch up. What do you guys think? Should I stick it out at Yale and graduate in four years? Take time off? Transfer to a CUNY? AND PLEASE DONT THINK IM A TROLL!!</p>
<p>You say that your parents weren’t supporting you. What kind of support do you need from your parents? What could they do to help you be more successful at school at this point?</p>
<p>I think you should talk to your advisor about majoring in math/science. I don’t think that the courses are any easier in the English department than in the sciences. Yale is known for being the best in English and humanities, so the best students from all over the world go there to study. Math and science are good at Yale, but they compete with MIT, CAl Tech, Harvard and Princeton for the best math students, so in some ways you may find the competition less daunting in those fields. In any case, your academic advisor will help you find a way to stay and be comfortable with your academic choices.
I think you also need to find other friends and quit worrying about what you think people in your college are saying about you. Chances are good that they really aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are. Find one or two good friends and get involved with one of the hundreds of activities you can participate in at Yale. There truly is something for every kind of person at this school. Yale may feel small to you because you’re not branching out, but 5,000 students really isn’t that small. </p>
<p>So yes, I think you should stay at Yale. Your professors are not there to help you learn to “do” college. You need to work that out yourself. Don’t pull 6 courses again. Four is plenty, with one or two semesters of five. Find a subject you are interested in and immerse yourself in it. Find a few friends who have similar interests, and make the effort to do things with them. Hang in there. Sophomore year is notoriously hard for many students at all colleges. Ever heard of the “sophomore slump?” You’re in it.</p>
<p>Are you serious about Grad school? if so, in what area?
Would you be paying your own college expenses if you transferred out? If by transferring out you would be on your own financially, then stay at Yale.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you don’t like Yale, but I think you’re blaming everyone else for your struggles when you should be accepting at least some, if not all, of the responsibility yourself.
This may sound “rude,” but sometimes you need “tough love”–even from a stranger on a message board. </p>
<p>You’re engaging in the “adolescent fable.” This fable, which is part of American adolescence, is that everyone else is thinking and talking about you. Being somewhat–but not wholly facetious–an example is when you get a pimple and think that all your classmates and other people are focusing on is that horrible zit. In reality, most people focus on their own problems and their own lives, not those of other people.Part of growing out of adolescence is figuring that out. It’s extremely unlikely that the other residents of your residential college are sitting around and gossiping about you. If you think they are, there’s a 99.9% chance that you are a bit immature. That’s not the worst crime for a college sophomore, but you do need a reality check. </p>
<p>You are a sophomore in college. You mom SHOULD be spending very little time visiting and calling you. Maybe you got a roommate or friend who has “helicopter parents” and you wish yours were like that, but, in a couple of years, you’ll be glad yours aren’t. </p>
<p>Profs aren’t there to help you "do " college or to be your surrogate parents. You’re looking for something that doesn’t exist, except perhaps at small religiously-affiliated colleges. If you don’t think your Yale profs support you, you don’t have a clue what Hunter is like. There are good profs at Hunter and many really care about their students. Most of those students work full time while going to college and many have young children as well. When Hunter students have problems they are often serious problems–like being deported, losing a job just before tuition is due, getting evicted from an apartment,etc. There is virtually no hand holding at Hunter. If you think profs at Hunter are going to help you learn "how to do college " you have very little sense of what Hunter is like. </p>
<p>At Yale, you have a master and a dean, as I understand it. Go talk to both immediately. They are there to help you. They aren’t your “surrogate parents” either but their roles are closer to that. They are there to listen. If you’re at all religious, talk to one of the chaplains too. And, I’m sure Yale has some sort of counseling program too. If you need help, get it. </p>
<p>Keep in mind though that, while others can help, YOU have to solve YOUR problems. Transferring colleges isn’t going to solve your problems for you—not the kind of problems you have. If you need to take a year off, you need to figure out how you are going to support yourself that year. Your parents, who are apparently paying sticker price for your education are NOT obligated to pay for you to take a gap year too.</p>
<p>Good luck. I mean that sincerely.</p>
<p>^Agree with the good advice above. I don’t see how changing colleges will change any of your perceived problems. Change your outlook and enjoy the opportunities that are available to you at Yale.</p>
<p>Hello,
I am going to add to the comments of Jonri just a bit.</p>
<p>The first thing you need to work on, IMHO, is writing a cohesive essay that defines your issue. Your posting is convoluted and so it is hard to know the hierarchy of your concerns and how they relate and what the solutions are you have thought of to each. </p>
<p>Beyond that, I agree with Jonri. You are obviously capable but maybe you do not want to work very hard or you seem to want lots of affirmation for what you are doing. When you got to Yale you were suddenly among a lot of high flyers and kids who had received recognition. You are not as special as you thought you were, sorry. Sure, it is nice to have parents who make you feel like you are precious (and maybe this is not your parents’ style), but in the real world, that is not how it works. </p>
<p>You don’t have to love Yale, and you might be able to find a place to transfer to where the style of learning or the peer group or the ambiance suits you better. But, I would not look for a change in school to change all your issues.</p>
<p>Transferring from Yale is not going to make your parents more supportive. Likely, the opposite. It sounds to me like your issues with them could be something to work on with a counselor. Ditto your academic concerns (not same counselor, obviously.) Yale has some of the best resources in the country for undergraduates: explore them. Just because your Famous Professor is busy doesn’t mean the school won’t have an abundance of help and support for you. Yale may also have summer programs abroad and funding for them. Check it out. Meantime, join clubs. Make a point to make new friends: strike up conversations in class, suggest coffee get togethers. Work on changes within - and you might find yourself a whole lot happier at school. As they say - where ever you go, there you are. A changes of scenery may not change what’s really troubling you.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Wow, a bit harsh! Many students need emotional support from their parents. Just because they magically turn 18 and go off to college doesn’t mean the need for parental support ends. Heck, I still need that at 53.</p>
<p>OP, I don’t know what the answer is for your predicament. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>I can relate to some of the things you’ve said about your parents. It’s clear they have been through a lot to become successful professionals in this country, and I suspect they believe that they have made things much easier for you than they had it. My mom suffered greatly during the Depression, and I grew up hearing how “lucky” I was that I didn’t have to overcome the same privations. What some parents fail to acknowledge is that every generation has its own set of challenges and painful obstacles. When parents have had a rough life they view the fact that they have opened doors for you as the most support they can possibly offer. Your problems will always seem trivial to them, and any complaints will be perceived as ingratitude for the sacrifices they have made. I have found the best way to maintain a good relationship is to accept that they will not change, that they are unable to change, and look elsewhere for the support you need.</p>
<p>Here’s what I’m not understanding: why were all of these colleges fighting over you yet you seem somewhat insecure about academics? These colleges fight over superstars. Why don’t you see yourself as one? What were the accomplishments that made you so attractive?</p>
<p>Even though both of your parents have college degrees, you are essentially a first generation student. Unfortunately, institutions like Yale really aren’t set up well to help first gens adapt to college life in general or to their own culture in particular. I would suggest that you investigate the counseling center, and ask specifically for advice on how to make this adaptation. All you really need is one person who you can share your issues with.</p>
<p>As for transferring out of Yale to an institution where you can pursue a program that is more interesting to you, well there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with taking a year off of college, or doing a year abroad or at another institution. You just have to sort out where the money for those options could come from. If you do take time off, I’d suggest a leave of absence from Yale. That way if you decide that you do want to return to Yale at some future point, it will be easier to do that.</p>
<p>Wishing you all the best.</p>
<p>I get the immigrant super-achiever parents issue, the “I bootstrapped my way into success/so now you do as I say but w/o my help” control thing too. It can be very stressful. I also get the Ivy fatigue: overly-entitled sometimes pompous professors, self-absorbed overachiever students from pampered backgrounds, emotionally immature neurotic people, etc. </p>
<p>Christmas Break is here; spend time to compose a life plan: what you want to do, where you want to be ten years from now. Write it down in detail. Plan for YOUR FUTURE, set workplan, and prepare for immediate fall-out. Expect pushback from parents, threats of withdrawal of fianancial support, etc. That you need to face bravely. Either you follow path of least resistance (stay at Yale, major in humanities, etc) or transfer to a more compatible major and/or school alligned with your future plan.</p>
<p>It’s not easy. But your life isn’t your parents’ lives’ redo. First-generation (American college) high-achiever college students often deal w/complicated parental control/demand issues which their prestigious universities are ill-equipped to counsel. Schools w/TRIO programs do address issue; “first-generation college student” is one of their three targets.</p>
<p>If you transferred to Washington U. or Hunter, would you get a full ride? If so, that would save more than $100,000 so if you are not happy, that is one argument. But if the cost will be the same, I would think you would stay at Yale.</p>
<p>Do you think you are depressed? If so, changing schools may not help, and you could see a therapist (or even possibly try meds).</p>
<p>If you try to access help while at Yale, there should be a lot of it. As someone said, the house has a dean, and a community, and there are services for counseling and advising that can be helpful. My daughter is at a similar school with serious chronic illnesses and gets a lot of help and support.</p>
<p>Majoring in math does not sound like a good idea, anywhere, since you are already half-way through college.</p>
<p>What are your grades like now? And courseload? Can you afford the time to volunteer or get involved in activities that might make you feel better there?</p>
<p>I would try to make Yale work for the rest of the year. Then, if, after trying to finish the year with access to whatever resources could help you like it better there, consider going somewhere else, either with a gap semester or not.</p>
<p>Having Yale on your resume would help in your life, I suppose, but it may be more important to finish somewhere and be happier. But I hope you can stay and make the best of it, as long as your family can still afford it.</p>
<p>p.s. I was a little concerned that you seem to count your twin sisters as one person, and imply that each of their tuitions should therefore be half of yours!</p>
<p>Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I would strongly encourage you to see a therapist to help you sort this out. You can most likely receive free counseling on campus.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>I’m with maggiedog. Seek out counseling at Yale first. Your emotional life and your academic life will overlap, of course, but yours seem especially intertwined. A therapist can be very helpful in sorting out all kinds of issues and setting priorities.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>Wait, why are you expecting your parents to visit you at college?</p>
<p>You have received much good advice, especially to seek counseling from your university. </p>
<p>One thing I’m noticing is that it seems you’re allowing the “Yale” name to psych you out on whether you’re capable of tackling the STEM courses at your school. </p>
<p>DON’T SELL YOURSELF SHORT HERE…especially considering you pulled a 3.0 in one semester despite taking 6 full-credit classes.* IMHO, you have proven you can not only do the work…but excel at Yale by taking the more normal 4-5 course workload. Take a bow. :)</p>
<p>Go to counseling, try making some friends, see if you can switch majors, and tackle the courses as best as you can. In the process, make it a point to seek out tutoring as early as possible…even if you feel you are doing fine. </p>
<p>Better to be proactive about addressing any potential misunderstandings/weaknesses at the beginning of the semester than to have it come all crashing down on you in the middle-end of the semester. </p>
<ul>
<li>I’ve only known a handful of people who did 6+ classes in one semester. Only one did as well/better than you did.</li>
</ul>