Trying to convince parents to let me attend a college out-of-state...

College Search & Selection
1

Despite my doubts, I got accepted to Carnegie Mellon University, which was my dream college, and after financial aid, I have to pay about $28,000 per year (versus the full price tag of about $60,000).

However, my parents want me to stay in-state.

As in, they’re literally bribing me with cash.

From the town I live, it would take at least fourteen hours by car for me to get to CMU, which is much further than what my parents are comfortable with. My heart is dead-set on Carnegie, and although I have a full scholarship for the state college that I got accepted to, I don’t want to stay in-state longer than I have to. Of course, I would miss my parents and my sister, but I think that a degree of independence is what is best for my parents, my sister, and me.

Carnegie has been my dream college since I was in middle school, and although I love my family, again, I think what’s best for all of us is for me to attend college out of state and develop my craft. I know, after touring the in-state school that I got accepted to, I am not cut out for the conservative, religious, and bucolic environment, and no amount of negotiation seems to be able to change that.

With all that said, any tips on how to convince my parents to let me attend out-of-state are greatly appreciated. I convinced them to at least consider touring the campus as well as the other schools that I got accepted to (although Carnegie was the most generous scholarship and grant-wise). Additionally, I had promised that I would contribute in paying for my education.

2

Are your parents’ preferences based on price, distance, or some other criteria?

Did they tell you before applications that there was a price limit that you needed to meet (with scholarships and/or financial aid), and (if so) is $28,000 within that price limit?

3

I’m pretty sure it’s because of distance and because they’ve always been very protective of me.
Considering the fact that they’re bribing me with a…sizable amount of money, I highly doubt that financial reasons are the reasons why they don’t want me to move.

4

Have you actually asked them why, and did they give you an answer?

5

Is it that they would prefer that you stay in state, or is it that they won’t let you go out of state? Bribing you seems to imply that they would simply prefer that you stay in-state.

6

Probably the former. I’ve generally been the child who would always do everything as told and hardly complain, so saying “no” is kind of tough for me, especially in a situation like this one. :frowning:

7

What, exactly, are they worried about at CMU (congratulations!) that they don’t think is an issue in-state? Do they think you’ll live at home if you stay in-state? Do they just think they’ll see less of you if you go far away and they’ll miss you too much? Do they think you’ll mess up and not be able to handle it and it will be harder to come save you if you’re far away? Were they born, raised and educated in the state you live in now and just can’t imagine wanting something new and different?

I’d urge you to drill down (nicely, politely) and get them to be very clear and specific about their worries and concerns. Then you’ll have specific items to address, which will make it easier to work on persuading them.

If you can get them to articulate exactly what their objections are, I bet we can help you figure out to address them.

8

<<< I have to pay about $28,000 per year >>>

fixed it for you…

Your parents have to pay about $28,000 per year

9

“From the town I live, it would take at least fourteen hours by car for me to get to CMU, which is much further than what my parents are comfortable with.”

Yup. I don’t blame them at all for that. 14 hours by car almost certainly means two days travel in each direction, which can work out to being a full week off work for anyone who is schlepping you there and back if the drop-off/pick-up is midweek. If CMU is affordable for your family at $28k/yr, you need to present a plan for how you will get there and back multiple times each year without a) breaking the bank, or b) forcing a big road-trip on your family.

Did your parents know you were applying to CMU?

10

@ucbalumnus Yes, and they just tell me things like “we just don’t want you to be far away from us,” but I’m sure that there’s more contributing factors.
@millie210 Thank you! If I do stay in-state, the university is about ~10 minutes’ drive away, and they wouldn’t let me live in a dorm (since housing doesn’t come cheap and I’m so close), so I would stay in my parents’ house. I’m actually a first-generation Asian, so we haven’t grown up in the town that I’m in; I don’t understand the strong connection that my parents have with it :stuck_out_tongue:
@mom2collegekids I realize that college is very expensive, hence why I have offered to contribute. I have applied to any outside scholarship that I could find were applicable to me, and I am currently considering tutoring as a part-time job in order to take care of my college expenses. However, my parents abhor the thought of me having a job, claiming it will “divert” my attention from my studies.
@happymomof1 I definitely understand why a parent would be concerned; when I put myself in my parents’ shoes, I fully understand where their worries come from. I have, again, offered to pay for my own transportation and regularly keep in touch through means such as FaceTime, texts, phone calls, etc. My parents were fully aware of the fact I applied to fourteen colleges (about half of them being Ivy League/similarly competitive schools) and the fact that I have, thus far, been accepted to three of those schools.

11

What are the other colleges that you were admitted to, their net prices, and what your parents think of them? Also, intended major(s)?

Seems like you and they did not have an honest talk about college choices before applications, and are having difficulty having that honest talk even now.

12

http://www.finaid.org/calculators/awardletteradvanced.phtml

When you have all the aid packages, run the numbers here. This calculator also as sections for other factors (distance, etc.) that you and your family might find useful.

13

Asian parents who immigrated find it very difficult, as a rule, to let their children go to college far away from them. They fear the unknown, they want to visit you to be sure you safe, happy, well fed, etc. You need to contact CMU and ask if they have some Asian students like yourself, not international students, whose children are attending CMU and can help them see that there is a family at CMU which will take care of you. Best if the students you talk to have parents who speak the same language as you. CMU Admissions and International Student offices are very familiar with these kinds of cultural issues that come between the university and the parents’ fears.

14

PS You don’t say where you are from but I looked on Travelocity and a flight from Minneapolis to Pittsbugh RT, leaving August 5th and returning Nov 18th for Thanksgiving is $450. Cheaper than gas and tolls I bet but your parents want to drop you off, I’m sure! Family can take turns to drive, you, mom and dad for 5 hours each. Leave at 7 AM and get in at 9-10 PM. Maybe stay overnight on the way back with only 2 drivers.

15

If his family can truly afford $28,000/yr in tuition, a 14 hour drive is only an issue on Fall move-in and Spring move-out. Another travel is a flight. When you aren’t multiplying the ticket by four, it’s much more affordable than driving without even counting lost work days. I would not want my 18 year old driving 14 hours alone.

16

They’re right that it’ll be a distraction. The question is if that distraction is worthwhile.

If you’re studying a humanities discipline that’ll mean a fairly low entry-level salary, maybe you do want to minimize debt. If you’re studying engineering or computer science, I’d advise against working in college. With your degree in hand, you’ll earn more in a year than in 4 years of part-time work as a student - if you have a good GPA. Working during college may well sabotage your GPA, costing you far more in the long term than you’ll earn from the work. That’s why many work-study positions are sinecures - e.g. sitting in a library and answering a question every 10 minutes or so - that allow a student to spend 90% of his shift studying.

17

It would help to know your major. If in a STEM field, there is high probability that you will have well paying summer internships.

18

I appreciate your dilemma. I do agree with the person who suggested that you ask your parents to articulate their specific concerns so that you can try to assuage them. For instance, they may be worried that you’ll eventually find a partner in that region and end up relocating permanently. For parents, separation can be really hard.

Here are a few strategies that might help your parents become comfortable with your preference:

  1. See if you can arrange for a meeting or contact between your parents and your school guidance counselor or another adult (maybe a teacher, a relative, a friend’s parent, or one of your parents’ friends who is also a 1st-generation immigrant?) who can help your parents to understand the benefits of going away to school and also assuage their concerns. The more your parents can identify with this person, the more it will help to “normalize” the idea for them.

  2. Let your parents know why it is important that you have an independent “American style” college experience. Possible arguments you might not have mentioned yet are: Developing professional networks outside of your home city, getting broader exposure to diverse people is key to your future career success, learning to be resourceful and resilient.

  3. Point out that you are following their own example by leaving the familiar for expanded horizons. Let them know how much you admire their example and what you learned from it that you are ready to apply in your life.

Good luck!

19

FWIW, I went to college in CT. My best friend at college was from Houston. Her mother saw the school when they did a trip east to look at colleges. Both her parents came for graduation. Those are the only times she had a parent step foot on campus. I’m sure they would have loved to drop her off freshman year, etc, etc, but it wasn’t practical. She flew, got rides with other people also doing the drive and eventually bought a car so she could drive back and forth. And she didn’t go home for short breaks. Now whether you could convince your parents that such an arrangement might be ok is a whole other story, but if you only go home for Christmas break and summers and spend shorter breaks on campus or going home with friends who live closer to school you will not be the only one.

I like the idea of you getting someone your parents can identify with to talk to them. That may help more than anything.

I’m assuming your in-state school isn’t of the caliber of CMU. Can they be persuaded at all with an emphasis on the superior education you can get at CMU?

20

I agree with millie210 - spend some time showing your parents just how good CMU is. Find articles, ratings, big-name alums. Show them opportunities that will come from attending CMU (internships, potential employers) and the courses offered and the breadth of their highly-ranked programs. (For example, CMU has a very good writing program and drama, in addition to STEM subjects.) Show them how many students apply, and how few get in. They may start melting if they see how much research you’ve done on CMU, and what an accomplishment it is to have gotten in.