Uc berkeley personal statement

Applying to College
1

<p>can you guys tell me what you think of my essay. i need to cut stuff out. what do you think i can cut out. and i hate the beginning. does anyone have any ideas? anything would be great thank you!!</p>

<p>Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>Culture. We are nothing without it. It is nothing. We can’t hold it, touch it, feel it. Yet, it is the fabric that holds our lives together (sounds cliche again). The beliefs, values, and even languages I speak have all been shaped by my culture. I am part of the first generation of my family that was born in America (clearer way with staying first generation). When I was younger, my grandparents and my uncles’ families had recently migrated to America after being sponsored by my parents. In a house that was 1/2 (change) the size of my house now, we had 6 times the people that are currently living in my house right now. Considering that none of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins knew English, it is understandable that I was brought up speaking Gujarati. Both my mom and dad worked, so from 9-5 my Ba (grandma in gujarati) took care of me. My Ba taught everything there was to know about Hinduism and Gujarati culture, social etiquette, and even tying knots. This was perfectly suitable for my lifestyle, until it came to kindergarten.
I was a relatively intelligent child; my only problem was that I didn’t know English. I had one friend, named Victor, who also struggled with English because his family was Hispanic and he spoke Spanish at home. I became a sort of outcast and therefore any motivation I had to learn English disappeared. One day my class was going on a field trip to the zoo. I was looking forward to this trip; looking at animals didn’t require knowing English. But, as we were boarding the freshly-painted yellow schoolbus I realized I had to go to the bathroom. It was an emergency. But, I had no way to communicate this. I didn’t even enough time to run back into the school. Along with the rays of the brilliant sun, I felt my bladder about to burst, like an overfilled water balloon. I called out for my teacher and tried to make hand gestures. That failed. I couldn’t do it anymore, the water balloon had popped. I went right there. Good thing I only had one friend and he wasn’t coming on the trip, because I would’ve lost the ones I did have.
Looking back, I regret not wanting to adjust to American school life, I feel stupid, for not realizing I had to go to the bathroom earlier, but surprisingly I feel a strong sense of pride. My family came to America with no understanding of the language and with very little means and made it possible for me to have a typical, suburban upbringing. They struggled so that I would never have to. I am proud to have been raised by my grandmother who instilled many cultural values in me and has made me a better person, if not a popular kindergartner. I am proud to have a culture that I can go back to, as a way to identify myself. I am proud that I can speak another language that will keep me connected to my ancestors and especially my grandparents. Now when my Ba tells the story of me peeing in my pants in kindergarten, neither the wet feeling I had nor the embarrassment, I recall my childhood as a whole and remember that I’ve had modest upbringings. I hope to achieve a lot throughout my career and have a “big,happy family” but most of my goal is to remain modest throughout my entire journey and even once I’ve reach my potential. My parents have, and I plan on doing the same.</p>

2

<p>You shouldn’t post your essays blatantly on the forum. It will be at risk of getting plagiarized. As for the essay, I didn’t like the starting…it was stuttery, draggy and tiresome to read. </p>

<p>As for your story, well I guess it is pretty much a cookie cutter cultural essay that I have seen around the internet. My suggestion would be to keep the anecdotes shorter and more concise and quickly jump into the discussions of your dreams and aspirations. </p>

<p>Now when my Ba tells the story of me peeing in my pants in kindergarten, neither the wet feeling I had nor the embarrassment, I recall my childhood as a whole and remember that I’ve had modest upbringings. I hope to achieve a lot throughout my career and have a “big,happy family” but most of my goal is to remain modest throughout my entire journey and even once I’ve reach my potential. My parents have, and I plan on doing the same…</p>

<ul>
<li><p>this doesn’t scream ambition to me. At the end of your essay, I don’t have a rough idea what your true interests are. Talk about how your culture made you want to study anthropology or something (example). Or how it made you learn to value your family -> inspired you to help people -> become a doctor. </p></li>
<li><p>probably there are gonna be another 100 students exactly with the same essay as the one you just wrote. The whole essay is almost a cliche really. ( Family from china/india/3rd world country -> moves to america -> finds it hard to adapt -> learns something from it ) I’m not hating on it, but you really need to DIFFERENTIATE YOURSELF from the integrated pack of students churning out these dozens of trite and lazy essays. </p></li>
<li><p>I know it has sentimental value you want 2 keep, but let that be in your dreams and aspirations.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>“I felt my bladder about to burst, like an overfilled water balloon.”

  • i facepalmed at this haha. Nah just kidding…</p>

<p>But seriously, try to tone down on the immature figurative comparisons. It is a story about your dreams, not your ballistic bladder.</p>

<p>Good luck and all the best bro!</p>

3

<p>thanks for the essay i was definitely not looking forward to writing this one.</p>

4

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-admissions/1466-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-admissions/1466-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

5

<p>thanks for the help!</p>

6

<p>yeah i should’ve realized posting it was pretty stupid. i cant remove it now though :(.</p>

7

<p>This is pretty incoherent… you try to connect the topic of your culture and a trip to the zoo - Nobody wants to hear about how you “went right there.” The essay is supposed to reveal who you are, but I don’t think this essay does it well at all.</p>

<p>There are multiple grammar errors.</p>

8

<p>I’m just going to pick out a couple things…</p>

<p>Try to streamline your thoughts more - as in make an outline of what you want them to see from this essay, and make sure every thing you say is relevant. As someone noted, your comparison with the water balloon was completely unnecessary and shows nothing about you. The fault could lie on teachers who say to “show not tell,” so people just show everything they can, when in reality , they should only be “showing” the important details. You seem to be floundering around with an idea that isn’t coming off as strong as it should/could. </p>

<p>If you REALLY must use the opening, consider shifting things around…ex:
Culture. We cannot hold it, touch it, feel it. It is nothing, yet we are nothing without it - it is the fabric that holds our lives together. </p>

<p>On the whole, it’s a bit too…colloquial? Just my opinion though…It starts with a tone that doesn’t really flow through the whole way ex:</p>

<p>“I became a ** sort of ** outcast and therefore any motivation I had to learn English disappeared.” grammar seems off here as well btw…but notice how it doesn’t match the tone of the opening? </p>

<p>Really work on rewording…while we could do it for you, that wouldn’t be you, you know?</p>

<p>First generation means you were born in America, so that sentence is redundant.<br>
“part of the first generation of my family that was born in America (clearer way with staying first generation).” </p>

<p>Using passive voice in long sentences makes them convoluted if there is too much going on. Cut out things that don’t matter. Do we really need to know who came? Or that they were sponsored? </p>

<p>You could easily turn “I am part of the first generation of my family that was born in America (clearer way with staying first generation). When I was younger, my grandparents and my uncles’ families had recently migrated to America after being sponsored by my parents. In a house that was 1/2 (change) the size of my house now, we had 6 times the people that are currently living in my house right now. Considering that none of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins knew English, it is understandable that I was brought up speaking Gujarati. Both my mom and dad worked, so from 9-5 my Ba (grandma in gujarati) took care of me. My Ba taught everything there was to know about Hinduism and Gujarati culture, social etiquette, and even tying knots.” </p>

<p>Into something like this:
As a first generation American, I found myself constantly surrounded by my lively Gujarati family, all of whom had recently migrated to America. In the environment I grew up in, it was only natural that I was brought up speaking Gujarati. Since my parents both worked full-time, I was under the constant care of my Ba - who taught me everything there was to know about Hinduism, Gujarati culture, social etiquette, and even tying knots.</p>

<p>See if you can go back and cut out things that aren’t relevant, no matter how much you like them. That way you can put more about YOU.</p>