UC college essay help please!!! THANKS!

<p>Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>This draft is in its very initial stages. All criticism welcomed. Suggestions on last paragraph please. Its kind of contreversial THANKS!!!!!</p>

<p>“Don’t judge me!” has become so common it’s only a matter of time before it’s added into the urban dictionary. I hear it all the time at school, either from my friends’ mouths or random adults’. Please don’t judge me. I used to say it because I felt the urge to fit in and I only felt the need to conform to society because projected image is way over-emphasized in the society I live in.
I grew up with atopic dermatitis, also known as eczema, a skin condition characterized by unpredictable flares of itchy patches that damage skin cells. Because of its sporadic nature, some days, seasons, and years are better than others. During my 8th grade year, my middle school of one score acquired the funds to remodel the campus to fit in with the surrounding neighborhoods. To me, it was pretty clear the campus was functioning perfectly but I guess the school board didn’t want the old-school flavor to detract rich Irvinian parents from enrolling their kids in the school. It’s funny to see the school indirectly scream “Don’t judge me.”
That year, dust blew like it did during the Great Dust Bowl only to a much lesser degree. The construction triggered my eczema to flare up unprecedented. Soon enough, it became clear the environment harmed me more physically than it benefited me academically. Left with no other choice, my Mom enrolled me in Irvine homeschool. Don’t judge me. I was homeschooled but I’m neither a pariah nor an Amish. I only opened up this life experience to certain close friends. Why? Because I feared the consequences of being labeled stereotypical names by friends who judge.
Initially, homeschool turned my world upside down. I moaned in self-pity, one of my less-desirable traits. Over time, I ascended above my groaning by making friends with other home school kids. Alana Walker, a figure skater, Agnes Hsu, a ballerina who applied for a German ballet school, and I became close friends. They were these normal girls who were homeschooled their whole lives. Going to Starbucks at ten in the morning only to face questions like “shouldn’t you be at school” didn’t stop them from living their lives. They didn’t fear the “don’t judge me” as the rest of society did.
Recently, I caught up with Agnes on Facebook. The internet really works wonders but also is part of the reason society has become so judgmental. I told her about my struggles of finding an essay topic for the personal statements since I don’t have any extra-curricular activities due to my unstable health condition. I also made it clear I didn’t want to open up a can of worms by writing about my homeschool experience. She joked at my pain and I laughed back. But then she said something quite striking. She told me to “Just be honest and yourself”. In other words, she was saying don’t let the colleges judge you.<br>
So here I am, writing my homeschooling experiences—the honest truth. Everything I have experienced up until now contributed to my making. I don’t have to cover up the scars on my skin or hide the details of my 8th grade year; they are a symbol of my past and lesson learned.
As for my future, I am giving it completely to God. My Christian faith is part of me. There’s no need to hide this fact just as there’s no need to hide my 8th grade year. There’s also no need to hide my aspiration described by my favorite song: “Precious lives and heart treasures too/ Positions and golden futures/ Have been “wasted” on You Lord/ Your sweetness a fragrance so sure.” Let society think what it wants to. I’m not letting society judge me.</p>

<p>There is a separate section of this forum for Essay questions and requests for feedback. You should post there. It is not a good idea to post your essay online for many reasons. In the essay forum, you will see that kids solicit readers and Private Message to those who volunteer. I don’t think you have quite enough posts to PM people yet, so you will maybe ask other questions or comment in other threads first.</p>

<p>thanks for the info. i’m obviously new at this</p>

<p>Also, don’t post your essays on the forum. It can easily be plagiarized.</p>

<p>So, don’t post your next draft online. You need to work on streamlining and tightening this up and focusing on the couple of points you want to make, making the whole thing more cohesive. </p>

<p>I don’t think you should discuss asking for advice about your essay within the essay, you can get rid of that whole paragraph. What she says is normal advice that is written in any college essay tip sheet online. You say you are writing about your home school experience, but I don’t see one thing about it. I didn’t learn anything about it. There’s a lot of background information but not much analysis or bringing us up to date.</p>

<p>I’d remove extraneous asides:
To me, it was pretty clear the campus was functioning perfectly but I guess the school board didn’t want the old-school flavor to detract rich Irvinian parents from enrolling their kids in the school. It’s funny to see the school indirectly scream “Don’t judge me.”</p>

<p>This also sounds judgmental and maybe ill informed. Talk about judgmental!</p>

<p>I agree with everything BrownParent said above, but if you want to keep what’s there, here’s just a few suggestions:</p>

<p>I would change your friend’s message: “don’t let the colleges judge you” to “don’t be afraid of the colleges judging you.” It makes more sense. Evidently the adcom will judge you, whether it be good or bad, so that’s why I’d go with that. </p>

<p>Also I would completely scrap the entire part about your religion. I understand your faith is very important to you, but it hardly belongs in a college essay IMO. As a non-religious reader, I find it rather incongruous. Good luck :)</p>

<p>Yeah, good point. To say you give yourself to God is said in such a passive way as if you have no personal goals or plans because of that. It is non-specifc and it doesn’t address the prompt which is asking you about dreams and aspirations. I don’t see the quote as relating to any aspirations, it just seems like a sentiment that you like.</p>

<p>Good luck with your work in progress.</p>